Maggie came to him.
h.e.l.lo, I"ve been traveling a long time.
"Who are you?" Kostner asked, wonderingly. He was standing on a chilly plain, or was it a plateau? The wind curled around them both, or was it only around him? She was exquisite, and he saw her clearly, or was it through a mist? Her voice was deep and resonant, or was it light and warm as night-blooming jasmine?
I"m Maggie. I love you. I"ve waited for you.
"You have blue eyes."
Yes. With love. "You"re very beautiful."
Thank you. With female amus.e.m.e.nt.
"But why me? Why let it happen to me? Are you the girl who--are you the one that was sick--the one who--?"
I"m Maggie. And you, I picked you, because you need me. You"ve needed someone for a long long time.
Then it unrolled for Kostner. The past unrolled and he saw who he was. He saw himself alone. Always alone. As a child, born to kind and warm parents who hadn"t the vaguest notion of who he was, what he wanted to be, where his talents lay. So he had run off, when he was in his teens, and alone always alone on the road. For years and months and days and hours, with no one. Casual friendships, based on food, or s.e.x, or artificial similarities. But no one to whom he could cleave, and cling, and belong. It was that way till Susie, and with her he had found light. He had discovered the scents and aromas of a spring that was eternally one day away. He had laughed, really laughed, and known with her it would at last be all right. So he had poured all of himself into her, giving her everything; all his hopes, his secret thoughts, his tender dreams; and she had taken them, taken him, all of him, and he had known for the first time what it was to have a place to live, to have a home in someone"s heart. It was all the silly and gentle things he laughed at in other people, but for him it was breathing deeply of wonder.
He had stayed with her for a long time, and had supported her, supported her son from the first marriage,. the marriage Susie never talked about. And then one day, he had come back, as Susie had always known he would. He was a dark creature of ruthless habits and vicious nature, but she had been his woman, all along, and Kostner realized he had been used as a stop-gap, as a bill-payer till her wandering terror came home to nest. Then she had asked him to leave. Broke, and tapped out in all the silent inner ways a man can be drained, he had left, without even a fight, for all the fight had been leached out of him He had left, and wandered west, and finally come to Las Vegas, where he had hit bottom. And found Maggie. In a dream, with blue eyes, he had found Maggie.
I want you to belong to me. I love you. Her truth was vibrant in Kostner"s mind.
She was his, at last someone who was special. was his.
"Can I trust you? I"ve never been able to trust anyone before. Women, never. But I need someone. I really need someone. "
It"s me, always. Forever. You can trust me.
And she came to him, fully. Her body was a declaration of truth and trust such as no other Kostner had ever known before. She met him on a windswept plain of thought, and he made love to her more completely than he had known any pa.s.sion before. She joined with him, entered him, mingled with his blood and his thought and his frustration, and he came away clean, filled with glory.
"Yes. I can trust you. I want you. I"m yours." he whispered to her, when they lay side by side in a dream nowhere of mist and soundlessness. "I"m yours. "
She smiled, a woman "s smile of belief in her man; a smile of trust and deliverance. And Kostner woke up.
The Chief was back on its stand. and the crowd had been penned back by velvet ropes. Several people had played the machine, but there had been no jackpots.
Now Kostner came into the casino, and the "spotters" got themselves ready. While Kostner had slept, they had gone through his clothes, searching for wires, for gaffs, for spoons or boomerangs. Nothing.
Now he walked straight to the Chief. and stared at it.
Hartshorn was there. "You look tired," he said gently to Kostner, studying the man"s weary brown eyes.
"I am, a little." Kostner tried a smile; it didn"t work. "I had a funny dream."
"Oh?"
"Yeah...about a girl..." He let it die off.
Hartshorn"s smile was understanding. Pitying, empathic and understanding.
"There are lots of girls in this town. You shouldn"t have any trouble finding one with your winnings."
Kostner nodded, and slipped his first silver dollar into the slot. He pulled the handle. The reels spun with a ferocity Kostner had not heard before and suddenly everything went whipping slantwise as he felt a wrenching of pure flame in his stomach, as his head was snapped on its spindly neck, as the lining behind his eyes was burned out.
There was a terrible shriek, of tortured metal, of an express train ripping the air with its pa.s.sage, of a hundred small animals being gutted and torn to shreds, of incredible pain, of night winds that tore the tops off mountains of lava. And a keening whine of a voice that wailed and wailed and wailed as it went away from there in blinding light Free! Free! Heaven or h.e.l.l it doesn"t matter! Free!
The sound of a soul released from an eternal prison, a genie freed from a dark bottle. And in that instant of damp soundless nothingness, Kostner saw the reels snap and clock down for the final time: One, two, three. Blue eyes.
But he would never cash his checks.
The crowd screamed through one voice as he fell sidewise and lay on his face.
The final loneliness...
The Chief was pulled. Bad luck. Too many gamblers resented its very presence in the casino. So it was pulled. And returned to the company, with explicit instructions it was to be melted down to slag. And not till it was in the hands of the ladle foreman, who was ready to dump it into the slag furnace, did anyone remark on the final tally the Chief had clocked.
"Look at that. ain"t that weird." said the ladle foreman to his bucket man. He pointed to the three gla.s.s windows.
"Never saw jackpot bars like that before," the bucket man agreed. "Three eyes.
Must be an old machine. "
"Yeah, some of these old games go way back," the foreman said. hoisting the slot machine onto the conveyor track leading to the slag furnace.
"Three eyes. huh. How about that. Three brown eyes...And he threw the knife- switch that sent the Chief down the track. to puddle in the roaring inferno of the furnace.
Three brown eyes.
Three brown eyes that looked very very weary. That looked very very trapped.
That looked very very betrayed. Some of these old games go way back.
It"s not enough merely to worship a G.o.d.
You"ve got to know which one"s in charge. And Heaven help you if you mess around on the wrong turf.
Corpse
Walking uptown against traffic on Lexington Avenue, I was already in the Seventies when I saw three young vandals ruthlessly stripping the hulk of a 1959 Pontiac someone had deserted beside a curb in front of a condemned church building. They had pried up the hood of the car with a crowbar; apparently it had rusted or been wired closed before being abandoned. And as I paced past on the opposite side of the street, they began using mallets and spikes to shatter the engine mounts. Their teeth were very white, and they appeared extraordinarily healthy, as they smiled while they worked. I presumed they would eventually sell the engine to a junk dealer.
I am a religious man. I have always been a religious man--and one would think that should count for something. Apparently it does not. I"ve learned to my dismay that worship is like the stock market. {Though G.o.d knows an a.s.sistant professor in Latin American literature makes hardly enough to dabble with any degree of verve.) There are winning issues and there are, of course, losers. Placing one"s faith on a failing stock can be no less disastrous then placing one"s faith on a downtrending deity.
Mona Sundberg frequently invites me to her buffet dinners. Why, I have no idea; we are under no illusions about each other. We are just barely friends. Tolerators is more like it.
She had promised, nonetheless, that I would meet Carlos D" Agostino. My excitement at the prospect can hardly be described. Not merely because he is certainly one of the half dozen finest prose stylists in the world today but also because the position as his translator was still open, and the chance of his taking me on, of living in Venice, of finally being swept out of the backwash eddy of academic ennui into the mainstream of literature, made me--quite frankly--weak in the stomach.
I had stopped at a Marboro and picked up a lovely Orlando Furioso with Dore engravings, remaindered at only $3.89, which I intended to present to Mona as a congratulatory gift on the occasion of her divorce, her fourth.
There was a battered hubcap lying in the middle of 71st Street, halfway down the block. It had been pressed flat by the pa.s.sage of trucks, and a thin pool of water had collected in the shallow center depression. It reminded me of an Incan ceremonial saucer from the burial caves at Machu Picchu, a saucer stained dark, perhaps from blood.
Franklin Xavier (I never for a moment believed that was actually his name) was a disastrous man, and it was clear to all of us that Mona had married him solely for his connections with the Academy and its social whirl. Having tired of all three, Mona had left him and flown --G.o.d only knows why--from Basle to Minneapolis, of all places, to get her divorce. I have no idea how long one must reside in a place like Minneapolis to obtain a divorce, but at last she was back and had reopened the town house.
D"Agostino never put in an appearance. However, he did call from the Bra.s.serie tendering his apologies. I stood quite clearly in Mona"s line of sight as she spoke to him but she never mentioned my name. The buffet was good, as usual. Excellent, really: Mona employs a marvelous caterer. I was, of course, monumentally disappointed. But I left the Orlando; there is, after all, a form to these gestures.
I spent the following Sunday correcting term papers. It was infinitely depressing.
The suspicion has been growing in me of late that Columbia University is registering not human beings, but chacma baboons. And they all seem to have cars. One cannot walk the streets of New York without feeling their monoxide breath filling one"s lungs. The suspicion has also been growing in me that there are more cars than people in the city.
Looking out across the burnished fields of parked vehicles that clog every empty s.p.a.ce between buildings, one can hardly think otherwise. Segal came in from Connecticut to take me to the Midsummer Night"s Dream everyone has been raving about, and afterward we picked up his car from an indoor lot: nine floors of chrome and steel, packed fender to fender, a building to house automobiles. One can hardly think otherwise.
Monday, late in the afternoon, Ophelia called me into his office and closed the door very carefully and stood with his left palm pressed against it as if expecting a sudden seismic rippling to ease it open. It was an unpleasant conversation. The quality of my work is down. My interest is flagging. Questionnaires returned by my students indicate the level of my teaching is low. The Evaluation Committee is deeply concerned.
The Appraisal Committee has sent through a reminder that my last publication was four years ago.
He never mentioned the word tenure, or the words lack of it. My contract is up for renewal in May.
He used the word mediocrity frequently.
I stared past his balding, liver-spotted head and watched cars on the street outside, going other places. I imagined myself a Toltec, suddenly appearing on this street of thousands of years hence, seeing for the first time these terrible shining creatures with the great gla.s.s eyes and the sleek, many-colored hides, their mouths holding grille fangs all symmetrical and burnished; and I felt my lungs fill with air as I saw the unfortunate men and women who had been swallowed by these creatures, being swept past at incredible speeds.
And I wondered why they did not seem distressed at having been swallowed whole.
When he let me go, with vague ominous remarks about other tomorrows and other faces, I was shaking. I went back to my apartment and sat in the dark, trying not to think, only the sounds of automobile horns drifting up from the West Side Highway impinging.
On the sere gra.s.s center divider of the Grand Central Parkway, just beyond Flushing Meadow Park, where the sumptuous skeletal remains of the World Fair lie stunned and useless, I saw an entire family--mother, father and three children--stripping an abandoned Chrysler Imperial. They had the seats out, leaning against the body of the car, and the oldest son was liberating the radio from the dashboard. As the father jacked up the rear end, the two little girls placed bricks under the frame, enabling the mother to remove the tires. I read the word polyglas in an advertis.e.m.e.nt. One can say that word several times without causing it to discharge its informational content.
They reminded me of grave robbers defiling corpses.
When I mentioned it to several of my students after the morning cla.s.s, one of them handed me an ecological newspaper in which the following was noted: "In 1967 Chicago, New York and Philadelphia reported finding thirty thousand abandoned cars annually."
I felt a certain glee. So cars die as well. And are abandoned, and lie unburied; and the ghouls come like predatory birds and pick them to pieces. It helped get me through the day, that bit of information. I repeated it to Emil Kane and his wife at dinner that weekend, and they laughed politely. I"ve found myself thinking about cars a great deal lately. That is peculiar for me.
His wife--a woman whose cooking depresses me--particularly since she and Kane are two of my last remaining invitations to dine--where has everyone gone--is it my imagination or is there a ma.s.s exodus from this city--ah, his wife, she reads a great deal.
Ba.n.a.l left-wing publications. She added to the conversation the dull information that more American lives (she phrases it in that manner) have been taken by the automobile than by all the wars the nation has fought. I questioned the statistic. She went to a wicker flower basket where magazines were stacked, and she rummaged.
She opened one and leafed through it and pounced on a heavyline block at the top of a page, and showed it to me. It said about 1,750,000 persons have died as a result of automobile accidents since the vehicle was introduced. In the first nine years of the war in Indochina 40,000 Americans were killed in combat; during that same period 437,000 were killed in auto accidents--eleven times as many.
"How interesting," I said. If one is unable to buy Courvoisier, one should forcibly restrain oneself from serving strawberries Romanoff for dessert.
Seven million automobiles are discarded annually in the United States. How interesting.
I must confess to a certain contentiousness of nature. Over coffee I turned Kane"s wife"s liberal nature against her. "Consider," I said. She looked up from crumb-gathering with a tiny battery-powered silent butler, and smiled.
"Consider. We anguish over our maltreated minorities. The black people, those we used to feel guiltless in calling "Negroes," the Puerto Ricans, Amerinds (obviously the n.o.blest of us all), Mexican-Americans"
"We must call them "Chicanos," " Kane"s wife said, thinking she had made a joke.
I ignored the remark. Levity on such topics surges well into gaucherie "All the minorities," I persisted. "Yet we treat with utter contempt the largest minority in our society."
"Women," she said.
"Hardly, " I replied. "Women have the best of all possible worlds today."
She wanted to discuss it. I laid a hand against the air and stopped her. "No. Let me finish, Catherine. The automobile is the largest single minority in the country today. A larger group than males, or females, or Nisei, or under-thirty youth, or Republicans, or even the poor. In point of fact, they may even be the majority. Yet we use them as beasts of burden, we drive them into one another, wounding them, we abandon them by roadsides, unburied, unloved, we sell and trade them like Roman slave masters, we give them thought only insofar as they reflect our status. "
Kane was grinning. He sensed my argument was based more in a distaste for his wife than any genuine conviction on my part. "What"s your point?"
I spread my hands. "Simply, that I find it not at all inappropriate that they seek revenge against us. That they have only managed to kill 1,750,000 of us since 1896 when Ford first successfully tested the internal combustion engine on a horseless carriage...strikes me as a certain inept.i.tude on their part."
Kane laughed openly, then. "Thom, really!"
"Yes. Really." "You attribute to inanimate objects a sentience that is clearly not present. I"ve seen you rail at Walt Disney for a good deal less anthropomorphism. "
Orson Welles once performed (a bit flamboyantly, I"ve always felt) in a film called Black Magic. He a.s.sumed the role of Cagliostro and mesmerized everyone with whom he came into contact. In the film, Welles had a dark, piercing stare. He looked up from under heavy brows and spoke sepulchrally. Very affecting. This was the pose I now a.s.sumed with Kane and his wife. "No anthropomorphism at all. The group mind is hardly a new concept. It occurs in insects, in certain aquatic species, even in the plant world. If-- as we now believe, because of the discovery of quasars--the "big bang" theory of the conception of the universe is correct, that it all sprang full-blown into existence--and even Hoyle has given up on the "constantly regenerating" theory--then surely it isn"t such a quantum jump in logic to a.s.sume sentience can suddenly big-bang into existence."
They just looked at me. I believe they thought I was serious.
I made my final point. "Our Neanderthal ancestors. Does not a big bang of suddenly-sparked intelligence answer the question of how we came to be sitting here? I submit the same has happened with automobiles. A ma.s.s mind, a gestalt, if you prefer.
But a society within a society. The world of the wheeled."
When I was six years old my mother developed a nasty bronchial cough. It was most strongly advised by the family physician that she go to Arizona for several months.
She took me with her. I missed the keystone subjects of arithmetic during that school year, as a result. To this day, and surrept.i.tiously of course, I still have recourse to my fingers when subtracting bank balances. For this reason I have never been interested in science or the rather tedious rigors of mathematics. I have never been able to read a text on the physical or social sciences completely. What I had said to them was the sheerest gibberish, through which holes could be punched by any first-year physics major. But Kane was a Chaucerian scholar--and he was amused by it all--while his wife was merely a fraud.
I took my leave soon after, leaving them both amazed and perplexed. The conversation had stimulated me; it had been the first gloriously bizarre sequence I had played in many months.
I decided to walk home though the night was chill and my apartment quite a distance. I have always been a religious man.
Consider the similarities between the cultures of South America and the Mideast; similarities difficult to explain. The simultaneous presence in both cultures of the religious figure of the fish, the Gregorian calendar, which parallels the stone calendars of the early Americans, the pyramid, which exists in both but in no other primitive society.
Is it possible there was a link, two thousand years ago, between the land of, say, Judea and the land of the Aztecs? There is a story told--a fable only--of a white G.o.d who came upon the sh.o.r.es of the Aztecs during a period in history that would parallel the years from ages twelve to thirty during which nothing was heard of Jesus of Nazareth. They are known as the "lost" years of Jesus. The legend goes that this white man, whose like had never before been seen, went among the people and spoke of things that seemed wondrous and magical, of a kingdom of life after death. It was he, the story says, who introduced the symbol of the fish with its religious significance. Did he, as well, bring the pyramid structure and the calendar? We will never know, though historians have speculated that Jesus may well have taken pa.s.sage with Phoenician sailors and found his way to the new continent. We will never know, but the legend adds one more mystery: the white prophet promised to return. And the people waited, and beat from purest gold an infinitude of gifts for his return.
Abandoned automobiles brought to a wrecking yard are first pressed flat by a stamping press. They are then stacked for the crusher. The crusher runs them down a treadmill track to a cubicle with sliding walls. They are pressed horizontally. Then the endwalls move together and the compressed remains of the automobile are squashed into a block that weighs several tons. The blocks, the cubes, are lifted by an enormously powerful electromagnet and stacked for reuse or resale. Requiescat in pace.