"The whole underworld knows you"ve been estranged from your family for years, that you spend your days in the pathetic pursuit of ingratiating yourself into the mortal world. That, in fact, your greatest heart"s desire is to be mortal mortal yourself." He said the last sentence with a derisive snort. "What kind of recommendation is that for the job?" yourself." He said the last sentence with a derisive snort. "What kind of recommendation is that for the job?"
"What"s wrong with being a mortal?" I parried. "I mean, if you"re gonna be Death, Mr. Smarty Pants, don"t you have to have an interest in the mortal world? Since you"re the one who"s kind of in charge of all those silly mortals mortals after they die?" after they die?"
"Couldn"t have said it better myself, sister," Kali said from behind the table.
Wodin gave Daniel a shrug.
"The girl does seem to have a point. And she is a blood member of-"
"I don"t care," Daniel said. "It"s my my job, and I want it! The Devil promised it to me!" job, and I want it! The Devil promised it to me!"
"Look," I said to the Board, ignoring him. "I don"t know if I"m the best person in the world for this job, but I do know that I owe it to my father and my family to give it a try. Please, just tell me what you want me to do, and I"ll do it."
Jarvis shot me a surprised smile.
"Please?" I added. I wasn"t above kissing a little a.s.s. I did it every day at House and Yard, for G.o.d"s sake.
"I"m just giving her the frickin" parchment, Wodin," Kali said, reaching into her sari and pulling out what looked like a faded piece of leather, but upon closer inspection turned out to be papyrus. I nodded to Jarvis, who reached out to take it from Kali.
"No!" Daniel said, going for the parchment himself.
Lucky for me, Jarvis was not only my father"s Executive a.s.sistant, but his bodyguard as well. My little goat-at-arms gave Daniel"s shin a fierce kick with one of his hooves. I heard a loud cracking sound, saw Daniel"s teeth clench, and knew from experience how unpleasant the pain he was gonna be in felt.
"Ow!" Daniel squealed, grabbing his shin and starting to hop around the front of the table like an idiot. The two women behind the table each wore a satisfied smile, and I guessed Jarvis had just eternally endeared himself to them.
"G.o.d, can you be more of a baby?" Kali said to Daniel mischievously, before giving me a quick thumbs-up gesture.
Daniel glared at me, his face red with rage. I tried to stay out of his way while Jarvis rolled up the parchment and put it neatly into his front coat pocket.
"You"re toast-" Daniel said as he hobbled in my direction.
"Let"s blow this joint, Jarvi," I said, grabbing my protector"s arm. Daniel had a mean look in his eye, and I didn"t want to be on the receiving end of whatever he was thinking of doing in retaliation.
"As you wish," Jarvis said rakishly, snapping his fingers and transporting us away.
jarvis looked a little perturbed to be sitting in a Starbucks in the middle of downtown Peoria. I had suggested Peoria for two reasons. One, because I"d never been there before, and two, because I figured it was one of the last places in the world anyone would think to look for us.
"But a Starbucks . . . ?" Jarvis whined. "Could we not just find a pleasant little cafe that serves fair trade coffee and loose leaf tea? Maybe an organic scone or two for good measure?"
I rolled my eyes.
"Precisely why we"re here," I said, taking an exploratory sip of my nonfat double latte with no foam. "The place you just described is exactly where they"d think think we would go." we would go."
"Rrrrreally . . . ?" Jarvis said, rolling his r r"s with this sarcastic little lilt that I found extremely annoying. "You think so, do you?"
"I know so," I said, pulling the lid off my cup to add three packets of sugar to the brew.
The corner we were in was small with only two other tables in the quasinear vicinity and a large plate-gla.s.s window behind us. Jarvis had chosen it precisely for this reason: We would be able to see everyone who came in or out of the place, and no one could sneak up on us from the back.
After I had finished incorporating the sugar into my coffee mixture, I leaned forward in my seat, gently resting my elbows on the slightly sticky surface of our two-seater table. I was ready to start figuring this crazy mess out.
"So, hit me. What do we have to do to wrap this whole Death thing up?"
Jarvis pulled the parchment out of his jacket.
"I"m not putting this on a sticky tabletop," he said, pointing to a stack of napkins someone had left on the table nearest to ours. Begrudgingly, I grabbed them and mopped up the table as best I could.
"There. All happy now?"
Jarvis nodded, then pulled a handkerchief from another pocket and draped it over the table.
"Why"d you make me clean it, if you were only gonna do that?" I glared.
"Because it made me happy, and that is always always reason enough." reason enough."
I sighed as I watched Jarvis spread the parchment out on the handkerchief. No matter what we went through, Jarvis and I were always going to have a testy relationship, I decided.
"What"s it say?" I said, craning my neck to get a better look. Trying to read it upside down, all I could make out was the word "pup" before Jarvis suddenly tsked to himself and quickly rolled the parchment back up.
"Why"d you do that?" I demanded.
Jarvis motioned to the left with his eyes.
Oh my G.o.d, we"ve been found, I thought to myself as I looked in the direction he"d just indicated. I thought to myself as I looked in the direction he"d just indicated.
"Don"t look now now," he started to say through clenched teeth, but he was way too late. I had already turned my head.
I realized that at some point in our conversation the table farthest to our left had become occupied. Jarvis had noticed, but I guess I was just too new to the whole cloak-and-dagger thing and had missed it.
d.a.m.n it, I thought to myself, I thought to myself, one more thing for Jarvis to feel superior about. one more thing for Jarvis to feel superior about.
"Sorry," I offered to Jarvis, who didn"t seem in the least bit excited about accepting my apology. Instead, he kept the sour expression on his face, while I took the opportunity I"d bungled into to appraise our enemy.
A harried-looking woman with frizzy brown hair and a cell phone glued to her ear was busy overstirring her Americano while a small child sat in the chair across from her. The woman was completely engrossed in her phone conversation, but the kid was openly staring at Jarvis and me with wide, curious eyes.
When the kid saw that I had caught him in the act, he didn"t look away with the practiced nonchalance of adulthood, but instead stared at us even harder. He was probably no more than seven, but there was a stark intelligence behind his pretty blue eyes.
I did the only thing I could think to do in the situation.
I waved.
"Oh, Lord, I told you not not to look!" Jarvis hissed. "And now you"re to look!" Jarvis hissed. "And now you"re waving waving? Cavorting with the enemy? What would your father say?!"
I rolled my eyes.
"The kid"s not a spy, Jarvi. I just don"t think he"s ever seen a man with hooves hooves before." before."
Jarvis quickly shoved his hooves under his chair, but it was too late. The kid was already entranced. He ignored the chocolate milk box in front of him in favor of something more entertaining . . . us.
"I told you we shouldn"t have come here," Jarvis said miserably.
"Well, if you"d put some shoes shoes on, maybe no one would be staring at you," I spat back. on, maybe no one would be staring at you," I spat back.
We"d made a quick stop off at Sea Verge to gather some supplies, and get Jarvis a pair of pants, but he"d drawn the line at shoes. He said human beings were so oblivious that if the hem of his pants were long enough, no one would even notice his hooves.
I, on the other hand, had done a full outfit change, borrowing a pair of black, white, and gray camouflage pants and the cutest little white tank from Clio that had BE MY b.i.t.c.h emblazoned across the front of it. I"d also traded the sensible shoes for a pair of black Converse All Stars.
Jarvis had almost almost been right about the shoes. It was just too bad we had to run into a minor. I decided kids were just like that: smarter than the rest of us oblivious adults. Here we sat in the hustle and bustle of a popular Midwest Starbucks, and no adult had even paid the least bit of attention to Jarvis and me. Yet, within the s.p.a.ce of about two seconds, we"d been completely been right about the shoes. It was just too bad we had to run into a minor. I decided kids were just like that: smarter than the rest of us oblivious adults. Here we sat in the hustle and bustle of a popular Midwest Starbucks, and no adult had even paid the least bit of attention to Jarvis and me. Yet, within the s.p.a.ce of about two seconds, we"d been completely made made by a seven-year-old. by a seven-year-old.
"I think we should leave now," Jarvis said tensely.
"What if he sounds the alarm?" I replied.
Jarvis looked pale.
"Oh my G.o.d, you"re right." He looked around the room, quickly trying to detail our options.
"Stop that," I said. "I was totally kidding. That little guy"s not gonna say a word. He"s not stupid. He knows no one would believe him anyway."
Jarvis took a moment to digest what I"d said, then nodded. He scowled at the kid-who was no dummy-and the boy quickly turned back to his superexciting box of chocolate milk. Satisfied, Jarvis turned back to me.
"I suppose you"re right. Besides, I know what your first task is."
I sat up straighter in my chair.
"You do?"
He smiled weakly.
"You have to go to Hades and get one of Cerberus"s pups."
Silence.
Jarvis just stared at me like I was supposed to know what the h.e.l.l he was talking about. I was at a total loss. I mean, I"m a fashionista, for G.o.d"s sake. Ask me about Hermes and I could tell you a thing or two, but Hades? I knew it was Greek for h.e.l.l h.e.l.l, but otherwise, I had absolutely no idea.
"Okay, I know what Hades is, but what the heck"s a Cerberus?" I asked.
Jarvis rolled his eyes. I could tell by the look on his face that he thought I was an idiot. Well, like I said before, there were some things I knew well-like what designer"s bags were more popular with the celebrity set: Prada or Kate Spade. Prada, like, no duh like, no duh-and then there were things I was completely oblivious to-like what the h.e.l.l a Cerberus Cerberus was. was.
"You know who Cerberus is!" Jarvis said testily. "You"re not brain-dead . . . are you are you?" This last bit was said hopefully.
"Oh, it"s it"s a a who. who. That"s helpful, Jarvi." I glared. "Please, just tell me who this Cerberus character is before I That"s helpful, Jarvi." I glared. "Please, just tell me who this Cerberus character is before I die die of curiosity." of curiosity."
Jarvis sighed heavily, then shook his head.
"Are you really your father"s daughter, or just some changeling child someone stuck in the family ba.s.sinet?"
From Jarvis"s tone, I could tell he was only half half joking, which made me snort. joking, which made me snort.
"Was that a joke at my expense, Jarvi? I think I"m rubbing off on you."
"If only I were were joking," Jarvis said wistfully. "You seriously haven"t a clue who Cerberus is . . . ?" joking," Jarvis said wistfully. "You seriously haven"t a clue who Cerberus is . . . ?"
I shook my head.
"All right, then," he said, clearing his throat. "Well, Cerberus is the three-headed dog who stands guard at the gates of h.e.l.l. Originally, there were-"
I could tell he was gearing up for a hard-core "ways of the underworld" lesson, so I decided to nip it in the bud by interrupting him.
"And I have to get one of whateveritis"s puppies?" I said. "Why?" "Why?"
"Because that that is what the parchment says," Jarvis shot back. He was getting annoyed with me, with my bad att.i.tude, my whining. "And if you want to help your family and keep the balance between Heaven and h.e.l.l equal for all mankind"s sake, then you will just have to . . . is what the parchment says," Jarvis shot back. He was getting annoyed with me, with my bad att.i.tude, my whining. "And if you want to help your family and keep the balance between Heaven and h.e.l.l equal for all mankind"s sake, then you will just have to . . . endure. endure."
"Look, I don"t mean to be a total b.i.t.c.h, but I don"t understand why all of this has to be so hard hard," I said. "Why can"t I just sign a piece of paper or something, and voila! I"m Death?"
Jarvis let out a long sigh, then wouldn"t meet my gaze as he spoke, the words soft and whispery so that at first I wasn"t sure he was speaking to me.
"I don"t know, Mistress Calliope."
For a moment, I thought I detected a note of pity in his tone, but it was gone before I could get a handle on it. Well, the one thing I did not want from Jarvis was pity. I would accept annoyance, hatred even, but I was not gonna let him feel sorry for me. I was not not Paris Hilton, d.a.m.n it. I could take a little heat, a little purgatorial jail time. I wasn"t some wilting flower who fainted at the first sign of trouble. Paris Hilton, d.a.m.n it. I could take a little heat, a little purgatorial jail time. I wasn"t some wilting flower who fainted at the first sign of trouble.
Slowly, it dawned on me that against my better judgment I was going to see this thing through. And if that were were the case, then there would be no more whining-well, at least not the case, then there would be no more whining-well, at least not much much whining-because I was going to have to take Jarvis at his word. I was going to have to suck it up. whining-because I was going to have to take Jarvis at his word. I was going to have to suck it up.
I was going to have to-Lord, help me-endure.
ten.
h.e.l.l is hot.
That was the first thing I discovered when I got there. The second thing I discovered was that h.e.l.l was bound and determined to turn me into lunchmeat.
We had left the temperate environment of the Starbucks through a wormhole Jarvis opened up in the one-stall bathroom. We"d had to wait for at least twenty minutes for it to be empty, but once we were inside, Jarvis was a quick hand with the wormhole summoning.
Jarvis worked it so we didn"t come out in h.e.l.l proper, but on the outskirts, near the River Styx. It turned out this wasn"t far from where Cerberus spent most of the time, guarding the North Gates of h.e.l.l. As we took a well-worn path that ran in tandem with the river, Jarvis explained h.e.l.l"s inner workings.
Jarvis wasn"t a bad teacher at all. In fact, he seemed to really enjoy the topic of h.e.l.l, so it was only kinda kinda mind-numbing to listen to him. His voice rose and fell with such metered rhythm that after a while the tension was sort of lulled out of my being, and I began to enjoy myself for the first time since the whole crazy hero quest had begun. mind-numbing to listen to him. His voice rose and fell with such metered rhythm that after a while the tension was sort of lulled out of my being, and I began to enjoy myself for the first time since the whole crazy hero quest had begun.
What I gathered from Jarvis"s minilecture was that h.e.l.l had been set up as a collection point for evil souls when they departed from Earth-or in plain English, it"s the place where the bad guys go when they die. Depending upon what part of the world you came from, and what your belief system was while you were alive, you were sent to whatever part of h.e.l.l had been especially created for you and your kind.