Instantly my arms and legs unfreeze. I stumble backward, bile pushing itself up into my mouth. I careen in a full circle, feeling like I did the day I got drunk with Hana, totally out of control of my own body. Anger and disgust are shredding through me, making me want to scream.
I find a flattened cardboard box sitting behind a Dumpster and drag it over to Riley"s body, covering him completely. I try not to think of the insects that will tear into him by morning. I"m surprised to feel tears p.r.i.c.k at my eyes. I wipe them away with the back of my arm. But as I start off toward Deering all I can think is, I"m sorry, I"m sorry, I"m sorry I"m sorry, I"m sorry, I"m sorry, like a mantra, or a prayer.
One good thing about raids: They"re loud. All I have to do is pause in the shadows and listen for the footsteps, the static, the bullhorn voices. I switch directions, choose the side streets, the ones that have been skipped over or raided already. Evidence of the raids is everywhere: overturned garbage cans and Dumpsters, trash picked through and spilled out onto the street, mountains of old receipts and shredded letters and rotting vegetables and foul-smelling goop I don"t even want to identify, red notices coating everything like a dust. My shoes get slick from clomping over it, and in the worst places I have to keep my arms out like a tightrope walker just to stay on my feet. I pa.s.s a few houses marked with a big X X, black paint splashed across their walls and windows like a black gash, and my stomach sinks. The people who live in these houses have been identified as troublemakers or resisters. The hot wind whistling through the streets carries sounds of yelling and crying, dogs barking. I do my best not to think about Riley.
I stick to the shadows, slipping in and out of alleys and darting from one Dumpster to the next. Sweat is pooling at the base of my neck and under my arms, and it"s not just from the heat. Everything looks strange and grotesque and distorted, certain streets glittering with gla.s.s from smashed windows, the smell of burning in the air.
At one point, I come around a corner onto Forest Avenue just as a group of regulators turns onto it from the other end. I whip back around, pressing flat against the wall of a hardware store and inching back in the direction I"ve come. The chances any of the regulators saw me are slim-I was a block away and it"s pitch-black-but still, my heart never goes back to its normal pace. I feel like I"m playing some giant video game, or trying to solve a really complicated math equation. One girl is trying to avoid forty raiding parties of between fifteen to twenty people each, spread out across a radius of seven miles. If she has to make it 2.7 miles through the center, what is the probability she will wake up tomorrow morning in a jail cell? Please feel free to round pi to 3.14. One girl is trying to avoid forty raiding parties of between fifteen to twenty people each, spread out across a radius of seven miles. If she has to make it 2.7 miles through the center, what is the probability she will wake up tomorrow morning in a jail cell? Please feel free to round pi to 3.14.
Before the shakedown, Deering Highlands was a nicer part of Portland. The houses were big and new-at least for Maine, which means they were built within the past hundred years-and set back behind gates and hedges, on streets with names like Lilac Way and Timber Road. There are a few families still clinging on in some of the houses, dirt-poor ones who can"t afford to move anywhere else, or haven"t gotten permission for a new residence, but for the most part it"s totally empty. n.o.body wanted to stay on; n.o.body wanted to be a.s.sociated with the resistance.
The weirdest thing about Deering Highlands is how quickly it was abandoned. There are still rusting toys scattered among the gra.s.s and cars parked in some of the driveways, though most of them have been picked apart, cleaned of metal and plastic like corpses scavenged by enormous buzzards. The whole area has the forlorn look of an abandoned animal: houses drooping slowly into the overgrown lawns.
Normally I get freaked out just being in the vicinity of the Highlands. A lot of people say it"s bad luck, like pa.s.sing a graveyard without holding your breath. But tonight, when I finally make it there, I feel like I could dance a jig on the sidewalk. Everything is dark and quiet and undisturbed, not a single raider"s notice to be seen, not a whisper of conversation or the brush of a heel on a sidewalk. The raiders haven"t come yet. Maybe they won"t come at all.
I speed quickly through the streets, picking up the pace now that I don"t have to worry so much about sticking to the shadows and moving soundlessly. Deering Highlands is pretty big, a maze of winding streets that all look weirdly similar, houses looming out of the darkness like ships run aground. The lawns have all gone wild over the years, trees stretching their gnarled branches to the sky and casting crazy zigzag shadows on the moonlit pavement. I get lost on Lilac Way-somehow I manage to make a complete circle and wind up hitting the same intersection twice-but when I turn onto Tanglewild Lane I see a dull light burning dimly in the distance, behind a knotted ma.s.s of trees, and I know I"ve found the place.
An old mailbox is staked crookedly in the ground next to the driveway. A black X is still faintly visible on one of its sides. 42 Tanglewild Lane.
I can see why they"ve chosen this house for the party. It"s set back pretty far from the road, and surrounded on all sides by trees so dense I can"t help but think of the dark and whispering woods on the far side of the border. Walking up the driveway is creepy. I keep my eyes focused on the fuzzy pale light of the house, which expands and brightens slowly as I get closer, eventually resolving into two lit windows. The windows have been covered with some kind of fabric, maybe to hide the fact that there are people inside. It isn"t working. I can see shadow-people moving back and forth inside the house. The music is very quiet. It"s not until I make it onto the porch that I hear it at all-faint, m.u.f.fled strains that seem to vibrate up from the floorboards. There must be a bas.e.m.e.nt.
I"ve been rushing to arrive, but I hesitate with my hand on the front door, my palm slick with sweat. I haven"t given much thought to how I"ll get everyone out. If I just start screaming about a raid it will cause a panic. Everyone will stream into the streets at once, and then the chances of getting home undetected go to zero. Someone Someone will hear something; the raiders will catch on, and then we"ll all be screwed. will hear something; the raiders will catch on, and then we"ll all be screwed.
I do a mental correction. They"ll They"ll be screwed. I am not like these people on the other side of the door. I"m not them. be screwed. I am not like these people on the other side of the door. I"m not them.
But then I think of Riley shuddering, going limp. I am not those people either, the ones who did that, the ones who watched. Even the Richardsons didn"t bother trying to save him, their own dog. They didn"t even cover him up as he was dying.
I would never do that. Never ever ever. Not even if I had a million procedures. He was alive. He had a heartbeat and blood and breath, and they left him there like trash.
They. Me. Us. Them. The words ricochet in my head. I palm my hands on the back of my pants and open the door.
Hana said this party would be smaller, but to me it seems even more crowded than the last one, maybe because the rooms are tiny and totally packed. They are filled with a choking curtain of cigarette smoke, which shimmers over everything and makes it look as though everyone is swimming underwater. It"s deathly hot in here, at least ten degrees hotter than it was outside-people move slowly and have rolled up their short sleeves above the shoulders, tugged their jeans to their knees, and wherever there is skin, there is a glistening sheen on it. For a moment I can only stand there and watch. I think, I wish I had a camera I wish I had a camera. If I ignore the fact that there are hands touching hands and bodies b.u.mping together and a thousand things that are terrible and wrong, I can see that it"s kind of beautiful.
Then I realize I"m wasting time.
There"s a girl standing directly in front of me, blocking my way. She has her back to me. I reach out and put a hand on her arm. Her skin is so hot it burns. She turns to me, face red and flushed, craning her head backward to hear.
"It"s a raid night," I say to her, surprised that my voice comes out so steady.
The music is soft but insistent-it"s definitely coming up from a bas.e.m.e.nt of some kind-not as crazy as the last time but just as strange and just as gorgeous. It reminds me of warm, dripping things, honey and sunlight and red leaves swirling down on the wind. But the layers of conversation, the creakings of footsteps and floorboards, make it difficult to hear.
"What?" She sweeps her hair away from her ear.
I open my mouth to say raid raid but instead of my voice it"s someone else"s that comes out: an enormous, mechanical voice bellowing from outside, a voice that seems to shake and rattle from all sides at once, a voice that cuts through the warmth and the music like a cold razor edge through skin. At the same time the room starts spinning, a swirling ma.s.s of red and white lights revolving over terrified, stunned faces. but instead of my voice it"s someone else"s that comes out: an enormous, mechanical voice bellowing from outside, a voice that seems to shake and rattle from all sides at once, a voice that cuts through the warmth and the music like a cold razor edge through skin. At the same time the room starts spinning, a swirling ma.s.s of red and white lights revolving over terrified, stunned faces.
"Attention. This is a raid. Do not try to run. Do not try to resist. This is a raid."
A few seconds later, the door explodes inward and a spotlight as bright as the sun turns everything white and motionless, turns everything to dust and statue.
Then they let the dogs loose.
Chapter Fourteen.
Human beings, in their natural state, are unpredictable, erratic, and unhappy. It is only once their animal instincts are controlled that they can be responsible, dependable, and content.
-The Book of Shhh, p. 31 I once saw a news report about a brown bear that had accidentally been punctured by its trainer at the Portland circus during routine training. I was really young, but I"ll never forget the way the bear looked, an enormous dark blob, tearing around its circle with a ridiculous red paper hat still flopping crazily from its head, ripping into whatever it could get its jaws around: paper streamers, folding chairs, balloons. Its trainer, too: The bear mauled him, turned his face into hamburger meat. once saw a news report about a brown bear that had accidentally been punctured by its trainer at the Portland circus during routine training. I was really young, but I"ll never forget the way the bear looked, an enormous dark blob, tearing around its circle with a ridiculous red paper hat still flopping crazily from its head, ripping into whatever it could get its jaws around: paper streamers, folding chairs, balloons. Its trainer, too: The bear mauled him, turned his face into hamburger meat.
The worst part-the part I"ve never forgotten-was its panicked roaring: a horrible, continuous, enraged bellow that sounded somehow human.
That"s what I remember as the raiders start flooding the house, pouring in through the shattered door, battering on the windows. That"s what I think of as the music cuts off suddenly and instead the air is full of barking and screaming and shattering gla.s.s, as hot hands push me from the front and from the side and I catch an elbow under my chin and another one in my ribs. I remember the bear.
Somehow I"ve surged forward in the panicked crowd that is flowing and scrabbling toward the back of the house. Behind me I hear dogs snapping their jaws and regulators swinging heavy clubs. People are screaming-so many people it sounds like a single voice. A girl falls behind me, stumbling forward and reaching for me as one of the regulator"s batons catches her on the back of the head with a sickening crack. I feel her fingers tighten momentarily on the cotton of my shirt, and I shake her off and keep running, pushing, squeezing forward. I have no time to be sorry, and no time to be scared. I have no time to do anything but move, push, go go, can"t think of anything but escape, escape, escape escape, escape, escape.
The strange thing is that for a minute in the middle of all that noise and confusion, I see things super clearly, in slow motion, like I"m watching a film from a distance: I see a guard dog make a leap for a guy to my left; I see his knees buckle as he topples forward with the barest, tiniest noise, like a breath or a sigh, a crescent of blood spattering up from his neck, where the dog"s teeth tear into him. A girl with flashing blond hair goes down under the raiders" clubs, and as I see the arc of her hair, for a second my heart goes totally still and I think I"ve died; I think it"s all over. Then she twists her head my way, shouting, as the regulators get her with pepper spray, and I see that she isn"t Hana, and relief rushes through me, a wave.
More snapshots. A movie-only a movie. Not happening, could never really happen. A boy and a girl, fighting to make it into one of the side rooms, maybe thinking there"s an exit that way. The door is too small for both of them to enter at once. He is wearing a blue shirt that reads PORTLAND NAVAL CONSERVATORY PORTLAND NAVAL CONSERVATORY, and she has long red hair, bright as a flame. Only five minutes ago they were talking and laughing together, standing so close that if one of them had even tipped forward accidentally they might have kissed. Now they wrestle, but she is too small. She locks her teeth on his arm like a dog, like a wild thing; he roars, rages, grabs her by the shoulders, and slams her back against the wall, out of the way. She stumbles, falls, slipping, trying to stand up; one of the raiders, an enormous man with the reddest face I"ve ever seen, reaches down, knots his fingers around her ponytail, and hauls her to her feet. Naval Conservatory doesn"t get away either. Two raiders follow him, and as I run by I hear the thud of their clubs, the mangled sound of screaming.
Animals, I think. I think. We"re animals We"re animals.
People are shoving, pulling, using one another as shields as the raiders keep gaining, surging forward, swinging at us, dogs at our heels, batons whirling so close to my head I can feel the air whooshing on my neck as the wood twirls, twirls near the back of my skull. I think of searing pain, I think of red. The crowd is thinning around me as the raiders advance. One by one people are screaming next to me-crack!-and dropping, getting wrestled to the ground by three, four, five dogs. Screaming, screaming. Everyone screaming.
Somehow I"ve managed to avoid being caught, and I"m still rocketing through the narrow, creaking hallways, pa.s.sing a blur of rooms, a blur of people and raiders, more lights, more shattered windows, the sound of engines. They"ve got the place surrounded. And then the open back door rises up in front of me-and beyond it dark trees, the cool and whispering woods behind the house. If I can make it outside... if I can hide from the lights for long enough...
I hear a dog barking behind me, and behind that, a raider"s pounding footsteps, gaining, gaining, a sharp voice yelling, "Stop!" and I suddenly realize I"m alone in the hallway. Fifteen more steps... then ten. If I can make it into the darkness...
Five feet from the door and sudden, shooting pain rips through my leg. The dog has got its jaws around my calf, and I turn and that"s when I see him, the regulator with the ma.s.sive red face, eyes glittering, smiling-oh, G.o.d, he"s smiling, he actually enjoys this-club raised, ready to swing. I close my eyes, think of pain as big as the ocean, think of a blood-red sea. Think of my mother.
Then I"m being jerked to the side, and I hear a crack and a yelp, the regulator saying, "s.h.i.t." The fire in my leg stops and the weight of the dog falls off, and there"s an arm around my waist and a voice in my ear-a voice so familiar in that moment it"s like I"ve been waiting for it all along, like I"ve been hearing it forever in my dreams-breathing out: "This way."
Alex keeps one arm around my waist, half carrying me. We"re in a different hallway now, this one smaller and totally empty. Every time I put weight on my right leg the pain flares up again, searing all the way into my head. The raider is still behind us and p.i.s.sed- p.i.s.sed-Alex must have pulled me to safety at just the right second, so the raider cracked down on his dog instead of my skull-and I know I must be slowing Alex down, but he doesn"t let me go, not for a second.
"In here," he says, and then we"re ducking into another room. We must be in a part of the house that wasn"t being used for the party. This room is pitch-black, although Alex doesn"t slow down at all, just keeps going through the dark. I let the pressure of his fingertips guide me-left, right, left, right. It smells like mold in here, and something else-fresh paint, almost, and something smoky, like someone"s been cooking here. But that"s impossible. These houses have been empty for years.
Behind us the raider is struggling in the dark. He b.u.mps up against something and curses. A second later something crashes to the ground; gla.s.s shatters; more cursing. From the sound of his voice I can tell that he"s falling behind.
"Up," Alex whispers, so quiet and so close it"s like I"ve only imagined it, and just like that he is lifting me and I realize I"m going out a window, feel the rough wood of the windowsill grate against my back, land on my good foot on the soft, damp gra.s.s outside.
A second later Alex follows soundlessly, materializing beside me in the dark. Though the air is hot, a breeze has picked up, and as it sweeps across my skin I could cry from grat.i.tude and relief.
But we"re not safe yet-far from it. The darkness is mobile, twisting, alive with paths of light: Flashlights cut through the woods to our right and left, and in their glare I see fleeing figures, lit up like ghosts, frozen for a moment in the beams. The screams continue, some only a few feet away, some so distant and forlorn you could mistake them for something else-for owls, maybe, hooting peacefully in their trees. Then Alex has taken my hand and we"re running again. Every step on my right foot is a fire, a blade. I bite the inside of my cheeks to keep from crying out, and taste blood.
Chaos. Scenes from h.e.l.l: floodlights from the road, shadows falling, bone cracking, voices shattering apart, dissolving into silence.
"In here."
I do what he says without hesitating. A tiny wooden shed has appeared miraculously in the dark. It"s falling apart, and so overgrown with moss and climbing vines that even from a distance of only a few feet it appeared to be a tangle of bushes and trees. I have to stoop to get inside, and when I do the smell of animal urine and wet dog is so strong I almost gag. Alex comes in behind me and shuts the door. I hear a rustling and see him kneeling, stuffing a blanket in the gap between the door and the ground. The blanket must be the source of the smell. It absolutely reeks.
"G.o.d," I whisper, the first thing I"ve said to him, cupping my hand over my mouth and nose.
"This way the dogs won"t pick up our scent," he whispers back matter-of-factly.
I"ve never met someone so calm in my life. I think fleetingly that maybe the stories I heard when I was little were true-maybe Invalids really are monsters, freaks.
Then I feel ashamed. He just saved my life.
He saved saved my my life life-from the raiders. From the people who are supposed to protect us and keep us safe. From the people who are supposed to keep us safe from the people like Alex.
Nothing makes sense anymore. My head is spinning, and I feel dizzy. I stumble, b.u.mping against the wall behind me, and Alex reaches up to steady me.
"Sit down," he says, in that same commanding voice he has been using all along. It"s comforting to listen to his low, forceful directives, to let myself go. I lower myself to the ground. The floor is damp and rough underneath me. The moon must have broken through the clouds; gaps in the walls and roof let in little spots of silvery light. I can just make out some shelves beyond Alex"s head, a set of cans-paint, maybe?-piled in one corner. Now that Alex and I are both sitting there"s hardly any room left to maneuver-the whole structure is only a few feet wide.
"I"m going to take a look at your leg now, okay?" He"s still whispering. I nod okay. Even when I"m sitting down, the dizziness doesn"t subside.
He sits up on his knees and draws my leg into his lap. It"s not until he begins rolling up my pant leg that I feel how wet the fabric is against my skin. I must be bleeding. I bite my lip and press my back up hard against the wall, expecting it to hurt, but the feeling of his hands against my skin-cool and strong-somehow dampens everything, sliding across the pain like an eclipse blotting the moon dark.
Once he has my pants rolled up to the knee he tilts me gently, so he can see the back of my calf. I lean one elbow on the floor, feeling the room sway. I must be bleeding a lot a lot.
He exhales sharply, a quick sound between his teeth.
"Is it bad?" I say, too afraid to look.
"Hold still," he says. And I know that it is bad, but he won"t tell me so, and in that moment I"m so flooded with grat.i.tude for him and hatred for the people outside-hunters, primitives, with their sharp teeth and heavy sticks-the air goes out of me and I have to struggle to breathe.
Alex reaches into a corner of the shed without removing my leg from his lap. He fiddles with a box of some kind and metal latches creak open. A second later he"s hovering over my leg with a bottle.
"This is going to burn for a second," he says. Liquid splatters my skin, and the astringent smell of alcohol makes my nostrils flare. Flames lick up my leg and I nearly scream. Alex reaches out a hand, and without thinking I take it and squeeze.
"What is that?" I force out through gritted teeth.
"Rubbing alcohol," he says. "Prevents infection."
"How did you know it was here?" I ask, but he doesn"t answer.
He draws his hand away from mine and I realize I"ve been grabbing on to him, hard. But I don"t have the energy to be embarra.s.sed or afraid: The room seems to be pulsing, the half darkness growing fuzzier.
"s.h.i.t," Alex mutters. "You"re really bleeding."
"It doesn"t hurt that much," I whisper, which is a lie. But he"s so calm, so together, it makes me want to act brave too.
Everything has taken on a strange, distant quality-the sounds of running and shouting outside get warped and weird like they"re being filtered through water, and Alex looks miles away. I start to think I might be dreaming, or about to pa.s.s out.
And then I decide I"m definitely definitely dreaming, because as I"m watching, Alex starts peeling his shirt off over his head. dreaming, because as I"m watching, Alex starts peeling his shirt off over his head.
What are you doing? I almost scream. Alex finishes shaking loose the shirt and begins tearing the fabric into long strips, shooting a nervous glance at the door and pausing to listen every time the cloth goes I almost scream. Alex finishes shaking loose the shirt and begins tearing the fabric into long strips, shooting a nervous glance at the door and pausing to listen every time the cloth goes rippp rippp.
I"ve never in my whole life seen a guy without a shirt on, except for really little kids or from a distance on the beach, when I"ve been too afraid to look for fear of getting in trouble.
Now I can"t stop staring. The moonlight just touches his shoulder blades so they glow slightly, like wing tips, like pictures of angels I"ve seen in textbooks. He"s thin but muscular, too: When he moves I can make out the lines of his arms and chest, so strangely, incredibly, beautifully different from a girl"s, a body that makes me think of running and being outside, of warmth and sweating. Heat starts beating through me, a thrumming feeling like a thousand tiny birds have been released in my chest. I"m not sure if it"s from the bleeding, but the room feels like it"s spinning so fast we"re in danger of flying out of it, both of us, getting thrown out into the night. Before, Alex seemed far away. Now the room is full of him: He is so close I can"t breathe, can"t move or speak or think. Every time he brushes me with his fingers, time seems to teeter for a second, like it is in danger of dissolving. The whole world is dissolving, I decide, except for us. Us.
"Hey." He reaches out and touches my shoulder, just for a second, but in that second my body shrinks down to that single point of pressure under his hand, and glows with warmth. I"ve never felt like this, so calm and peaceful. Maybe I"m dying. The idea doesn"t really upset me, for some reason. In fact, it seems kind of funny. "You okay?"
"Fine." I start to giggle softly. "You"re naked."
"What?" Even in the dark I can tell he"s squinting at me.
"I"ve never seen a boy like-like that. With no shirt on. Not up close."
He begins wrapping the shredded T-shirt around my leg carefully, tying it tight. "The dog got you good," he says. "But this should stop the bleeding."
The phrase stop the bleeding stop the bleeding sounds so clinical and scary it snaps me awake and helps me to focus. Alex finishes tying off the makeshift bandage. Now the searing pain in my leg has been replaced by a dull, throbbing pressure. sounds so clinical and scary it snaps me awake and helps me to focus. Alex finishes tying off the makeshift bandage. Now the searing pain in my leg has been replaced by a dull, throbbing pressure.
Alex lifts my leg carefully out of his lap and rests it on the ground. "Okay?" he says, and I nod. Then he scoots around next to me, leaning back against the wall like I am so we"re sitting side by side, arms just touching at the elbows. I can feel the heat coming off his bare skin, and it makes me feel hot. I close my eyes and try not to think about how close we are, or what it would feel like to run my hands over his shoulders and chest.
Outside, the sounds of the raid grow more and more distant, the screams fewer, the voices fainter. The raiders must be pa.s.sing on. I say a silent prayer that Hana managed to escape; the possibility that she didn"t is too terrible to contemplate.
Still, Alex and I don"t move. I"m so tired I feel like I could sleep forever. Home seems impossibly, incomprehensibly far away, and I don"t see how I"ll ever make it back.
Alex starts speaking all at once, his voice a low, urgent rush: "Listen, Lena. What happened at the beach-I"m really sorry. I should have told you sooner, but I didn"t want to frighten you away."
"You don"t have to explain," I say.
"But I want to explain. I want you to know that I didn"t mean to-"
"Listen," I cut him off. "I"m not going to tell anyone, okay? I"m not going to get you in trouble or anything."
He pauses. I feel him turn to look at me, but I keep my eyes fixed on the darkness in front of us.
"I don"t care about that," he says, lower. Another pause, and then: "I just don"t want you to hate me."
Again the room seems to be shrinking, closing in around us. I can feel his eyes on me like the hot pressure of touch, but I"m too afraid to look at him. I"m afraid that if I do I"ll lose myself in his eyes, forget all the things I"m supposed to say. Outside, the woods have fallen silent. The raiders must have left. After a second the crickets begin singing all at once, warbling throatily, a great swelling of sound.
"Why do you care?" I say, barely a whisper.
"I told you," he whispers back. I can feel his breath just tickling the s.p.a.ce behind my ear, making the hair p.r.i.c.k up on my neck. "I like you."
"You don"t know me," I say quickly.
"I want to, though."
The room is spinning more and more quickly. I press up more firmly against the wall, trying to steady myself against the feeling of dizzying movement. It"s impossible: He has an answer for everything. It"s too quick. It must be a trick. I press my palms against the damp floor, taking comfort in the solidity of the rough wood.
"Why me?" I don"t mean to ask it, but the words slide out. "I"m n.o.body...." I want to say, I"m n.o.body special I"m n.o.body special, but the words dry up in my mouth. This is what I imagine it feels like to climb to the top of a mountain, where the air is so thin you can inhale and inhale and inhale and still feel like you can"t take a breath.