Delirium

Lord Keep our hearts fixed; As you fixed the planets in their orbits And cooled the chaos of emerging- As the gravity of your will keeps star and star from collapsing Keeps ocean from turning to dust and dust from turning to water Keeps planets from colliding And suns from exploding- So, Lord, keep our hearts fixed In steady orbit And help them stay the path.

-Psalm 21 (From "Prayer and Study," The Book of Shhh The Book of Shhh) That night, even after I"m in bed, Hana"s words replay themselves endlessly in my head. You won"t end up like her. You don"t have it in you. You won"t end up like her. You don"t have it in you. She only said it to comfort me, I know-it should be rea.s.suring-but for some reason it isn"t. For some reason it makes me upset; there"s a deep aching in my chest, as though something large and cold and sharp is lodged there. She only said it to comfort me, I know-it should be rea.s.suring-but for some reason it isn"t. For some reason it makes me upset; there"s a deep aching in my chest, as though something large and cold and sharp is lodged there.

Here"s another thing Hana doesn"t understand: Thinking about the disease, and worrying about it, and stressing about whether I"ve inherited some predisposition for it-that"s all I have of my mom. The disease is what I know about her. It is the link.

Otherwise, I have nothing.

It"s not that I don"t have memories of her. I do-lots of them, considering how young I was when she died. I remember that when there was fresh snow she would send me outside to pack pans with handfuls of it. Once inside we would drizzle maple syrup into the snow-filled pans, watching it harden into amber candy almost instantly, all loops and fragile, sugared filigree, like edible lace. I remember how much she loved to sing to us as she bounced me in the water at the beach off Eastern Prom. I didn"t know how strange this was at the time. Other mothers teach their children to swim. Other mothers bounce their babies in the water, and apply sunscreen to make sure their babies don"t burn, and do all the things that a mother is supposed to do, as outlined in the Parenting section of The The Book of Shhh Book of Shhh.

But they don"t sing.

I remember that she brought me trays of b.u.t.tered toast when I was sick and kissed my bruises when I fell, and I remember once when she lifted me to my feet after I fell off my bike and began to rock me in her arms, a woman gasped and said to her, "You should be ashamed of yourself," and I didn"t understand why, which made me cry harder. After that she comforted me only in private. In public she would just frown and say, "You"re okay, Lena. Get up."

We used to have dance parties too. My mother called them "sock jams," because we would roll up the carpets in the living room and put on our thickest socks, and slip and slide along the wooden hallways. Even Rachel joined in, though she always claimed to be too old for baby games. My mom would draw the curtains and wedge pillows under the front and back doors and turn up the music. We laughed so hard I always went to bed with a stomachache.

Eventually, I understood that on our sock-jam nights she"d closed the curtains to prevent us from being seen by pa.s.sing patrols, that she"d stopped up the doors with pillows so that the neighbors would not report us for playing music and laughing too much, both potential warning signs of the deliria deliria. I understood that she used to tuck my father"s military pin-a silver dagger he had inherited from his own father, which she wore every day on a chain around her neck-beneath the collar of her shirt whenever we left the house, so no one would see it and become suspicious. I understood that all the happiest moments of my childhood were a lie. They were wrong and unsafe and illegal. They were freakish. My mother mother was freakish, and I"d probably inherited the freakishness from her. was freakish, and I"d probably inherited the freakishness from her.

For the first time, really, I wonder what she must have been feeling, thinking, the night she walked out to the cliffs and kept walking, feet pedaling the air. I wonder whether she was scared. I wonder whether she thought of me or Rachel. I wonder whether she was sorry for leaving us behind.

I start thinking about my father, too. I don"t remember him at all, though I have some dim, ancient impression of two warm, rough hands and a large looming face floating above mine, but I think that"s just because my mother kept a framed portrait in her bedroom of my father and me. I was only a few months old and he was holding me, smiling, looking at the camera. But there"s no way I"m remembering for real real real. I wasn"t even a year old when he died. Cancer. real. I wasn"t even a year old when he died. Cancer.

The heat is horrible, thick, clotting on the walls. Jenny is rolled over on her back, arms and legs flung open on top of her comforter, breathing silently with her mouth gaping open. Even Grace is fast asleep, murmuring soundlessly into her pillow. The whole room smells like a wet exhalation, skin and tongues and warm milk.

I ease out of bed, already dressed in black jeans and a T-shirt. I didn"t even bother to change into my pajamas. I knew I would never be able to sleep tonight. And earlier in the evening, I"d come to a decision. I was sitting at the dinner table with Carol and Uncle William and Jenny and Grace, while everyone chewed and swallowed in silence, staring blankly at one another, feeling as though the air was weighing down on me, constricting my breath, like two fists squeezing tighter and tighter around a water balloon, when I realized something.

Hana said I didn"t have it in me, but she was wrong.

My heart is beating so loudly I can hear it, and I"m positive that everyone else will too-that it will make my aunt sit bolt upright in her bed, ready to catch me and accuse me of trying to sneak out. Which is, of course, exactly what I am am trying to do. I didn"t even know a heart could beat so loudly, and it reminds me of an Edgar Allan Poe story we had to read in one of our social studies cla.s.ses, about this guy who kills this other guy and then gives himself up to the police because he"s convinced he can hear the dead guy"s heart beating up from beneath his floorboards. It"s supposed to be a story about guilt and the dangers of civil disobedience, but when I first read it I thought it seemed kind of lame and melodramatic. Now I get it, though. Poe must have snuck out a lot when he was young. trying to do. I didn"t even know a heart could beat so loudly, and it reminds me of an Edgar Allan Poe story we had to read in one of our social studies cla.s.ses, about this guy who kills this other guy and then gives himself up to the police because he"s convinced he can hear the dead guy"s heart beating up from beneath his floorboards. It"s supposed to be a story about guilt and the dangers of civil disobedience, but when I first read it I thought it seemed kind of lame and melodramatic. Now I get it, though. Poe must have snuck out a lot when he was young.

I ease open the bedroom door, holding my breath, praying it doesn"t squeak. At one point Jenny lets out a shout and my heart freezes. But then she rolls over, flinging one arm across her pillow, and I exhale slowly, realizing she"s just fussing in her sleep.

The hall is totally dark. The room my aunt and uncle share is dark too, and the only sound comes from the whispering of the trees outside and the low ticks and groans from the walls, the usual old-house arthritic noises. I finally work up the courage to slip out into the hall and slide the bedroom door shut behind me. I go so slowly that it almost feels like I"m not moving at all, feeling my way by the b.u.mps and ripples in the wallpaper over to the stairs, then sliding my hand inch by inch over the banister, walking on my very tiptoes. Even so, it seems like the house is fighting me, like it"s just screaming for me to be caught. Every step seems to creak, or shriek, or moan. Every single floorboard quivers and shudders under my feet, and I start mentally bargaining with the house: If I make it to the front door without waking up Aunt Carol, I swear to G.o.d I"ll never slam another door. I"ll never call you "an old piece of t.u.r.d" again, not even in my head, and I"ll never curse the bas.e.m.e.nt when it floods, and I will never, ever, ever kick the bedroom wall when I"m annoyed at Jenny. If I make it to the front door without waking up Aunt Carol, I swear to G.o.d I"ll never slam another door. I"ll never call you "an old piece of t.u.r.d" again, not even in my head, and I"ll never curse the bas.e.m.e.nt when it floods, and I will never, ever, ever kick the bedroom wall when I"m annoyed at Jenny.

Maybe the house hears me, because, miraculously, I do do make it to the front door. I pause for a second longer, listening for the sounds of footsteps upstairs, whispered voices, anything-but other than my heart, which is still going strong and loud, it"s silent. Even the house seems to hesitate and take a breath, because the front door swings open with barely a whisper, and in the last second before I slip out into the night the rooms behind me are as dark and still as a grave. make it to the front door. I pause for a second longer, listening for the sounds of footsteps upstairs, whispered voices, anything-but other than my heart, which is still going strong and loud, it"s silent. Even the house seems to hesitate and take a breath, because the front door swings open with barely a whisper, and in the last second before I slip out into the night the rooms behind me are as dark and still as a grave.

Outside, I hesitate on the front stoop. The fireworks stopped an hour ago-I heard the last stuttering explosions, like distant gunfire, just as I was getting ready for bed-and now the streets are strangely silent, and totally empty. It"s a little after eleven o"clock. Some cureds must be lingering at the Eastern Prom. Everyone else is home by now. Not a single light is burning on the street. All the streetlamps were disabled years ago, except in the richest parts of Portland, and they look to me like blinded eyes. Thank G.o.d the moon is so bright.

I strain to detect the sounds of pa.s.sing patrols or groups of regulators-I almost hope I do, because then I"ll have to go back inside, to my bed, to safety, and already the panic is starting to drill through me again. But everything is perfectly still and quiet, almost like it"s frozen. Everything rational, right, and good is screaming for me to turn around and go upstairs, but some stubborn inner center keeps me moving forward.

I go down the walk and unchain my bike from the gate.

My bike rattles a little bit, particularly when you first start pedaling, so I walk it a ways down the street. The wheels tick rea.s.suringly over the pavement. I"ve never been out this late on my own in my life. I"ve never never broken curfew. But alongside the fear-which is always there, of course, that constant crushing weight-is a small, flickering feeling of excitement that works its way up and underneath the fear, pushing it back some. Like, broken curfew. But alongside the fear-which is always there, of course, that constant crushing weight-is a small, flickering feeling of excitement that works its way up and underneath the fear, pushing it back some. Like, It"s okay, I"m all right, I can do this It"s okay, I"m all right, I can do this. I"m just a girl-an in-between girl, five-two, nothing special-but I can do this, and all the curfews and the patrols in the world aren"t stopping me. It"s amazing how much comfort this thought gives me. It"s amazing how it breaks up the fear, like a tiny candle lit in the middle of the night, lighting up the shapes of things, burning away the dark.

When I reach the end of my street I hop up on my bike, feeling the gears shudder into place. The breeze feels good as I start pedaling, careful not to go too quickly, staying alert in case there are regulators nearby. Fortunately, Stroudwater, and Roaring Brook Farms, are in the exact opposite direction from the Fourth of July celebrations at Eastern Prom. Once I get to the broad swath of farmland that surrounds Portland like a belt, I should be okay. The farms and slaughterhouses rarely get patrolled. But first I have to make it through the West End, where rich people like Hana live, through Libbytown, and over the Fore River at the Congress Street Bridge. Thankfully, each street I turn down is empty.

Stroudwater is a good thirty minutes away, even if I"m biking quickly. As I get off-peninsula-moving away from the buildings and businesses of downtown Portland and onto the more suburban mainland-the houses get smaller and farther apart, set back on weedy, patchy yards. This isn"t rural Portland yet, but there are signs of the countryside creeping in: plants poking up through half-rotted porches, an owl hooting mournfully in the dark, a black scythe of bats cutting suddenly across the sky. Almost all these houses have cars in front of them-just like the richer houses in West End-but these have obviously been salvaged from the junkyards. They"re mounted on cinder blocks and covered in rust. I pa.s.s one that has a tree growing straight through its sunroof, like the car has just dropped out of the sky and been impaled there, and another one, hood open, missing its engine. As I go past, a cat startles up out of its black cavity, meowing, blinking at me.

After I cross the Fore River the houses fall away altogether, and it"s just field after field and farm after farm, with names like MeadowLane and Sheepsbay and Willow Creek, which make them sound all homey and nice: places where someone might be baking m.u.f.fins and skimming fresh cream for b.u.t.ter. But most of the farms are owned by big corporations, packed with livestock and often staffed by orphans.

I"ve always liked it out here, but it"s kind of freaky in the dark, open and totally empty, and I can"t help but think that if I did come across a patrol there would be no place to hide, no alley to turn down. Across the fields I see the low, dark silhouettes of barns and silos, some of them brand-new, some of them barely standing, clinging to the earth like teeth digging into something. The air smells slightly sweet, like growing things and manure.

Roaring Brook Farms is right next to the southwestern border. It"s been abandoned for years, since half the main building and both grain silos were destroyed in a fire. About five minutes before I get there, I think I can make out a rhythm drumming almost imperceptibly under the throaty song of the crickets, but for a while I"m not sure if I"m just imagining it or only hearing my heart, which has started pounding again. Farther on, though, and I"m sure. Even before I reach the little dirt road that leads down to the barn-or at least, the portion of the barn that"s still standing-strains of music spring up, crystallizing in the night air like rain turning suddenly to snow, drifting to earth.

Now I"m scared again. All I can think is: wrong, wrong, wrong wrong, wrong, wrong, a word that drums in my head. Aunt Carol would kill me if she knew what I was doing. Kill me, or have me thrown into the Crypts or taken to the labs for an early procedure, Willow Marksstyle.

I hop off my bike when I see the turnoff to Roaring Brook, and the big metal sign staked in the ground that reads PROPERTY OF PORTLAND, NO TRESPa.s.sING PROPERTY OF PORTLAND, NO TRESPa.s.sING. I wheel my bike a little ways into the woods at the side of the road. The actual farmhouse and the old barn are still five or six hundred feet down the road, but I don"t want to bring my bike any farther. I don"t lock it up, though. I don"t even want to think about what would happen if there was a raid, but if there is, I"m not going to want to be fumbling with a lock in the half dark. I"ll need speed speed.

I step around the NO TRESPa.s.sING NO TRESPa.s.sING sign. I"m getting to be quite the expert at ignoring them, I realize, remembering how Hana and I hopped the gate at the labs. It"s the first time I"ve thought about that afternoon in a while, and right then a vision of Alex rises up in front of me, a memory of seeing him on the observation deck, head tilted back and laughing. sign. I"m getting to be quite the expert at ignoring them, I realize, remembering how Hana and I hopped the gate at the labs. It"s the first time I"ve thought about that afternoon in a while, and right then a vision of Alex rises up in front of me, a memory of seeing him on the observation deck, head tilted back and laughing.

I have to focus on the land around me, the brightness of the moon, the wildflowers on the road. It helps me beat back the feeling that I"m going to be sick at any second. I don"t really know what compelled me out of the house, why I felt like I had to prove Hana wrong about something, and I"m trying to ignore the idea-way more disturbing than anything else-that my argument with Hana was just an excuse.

That maybe, deep down, I was just curious.

I"m not feeling curious now. I"m feeling scared. And very, very stupid.

The farmhouse and the old barn are positioned in a dip of land between two hills, a mini valley, like the buildings are sitting right in the middle of somebody"s pursed lips. Because of the way the land slopes I can"t see the farmhouse yet, but as I get closer to the top of the hill the music gets clearer, louder. It"s like nothing I"ve ever heard before. It"s definitely not like the authorized music you can download off LAMM, prim and harmonious and structured, the kind of music that gets played in the band sh.e.l.l in Deering Oaks Park during official summer concerts.

Someone is singing: a beautiful voice as thick and heavy as warm honey, spilling up and down a scale so quickly I feel dizzy just listening. The music that"s playing underneath the voice is strange and clashing and wild-but nothing like the wailing and scratching that I heard Hana playing on her computer earlier today, though I recognize certain similarities, certain patterns of melody and rhythm. That music was metallic and awful, fuzzy through the speakers. This music ebbs and flows, irregular, sad. It reminds me, weirdly, of watching the ocean during a bad storm, the lashing, crashing waves and the spray of sea foam against the docks; the way it takes your breath away, the power and the hugeness of it.

That"s exactly what happens as I listen to the music, as I come up over the final crest of hill, and the half-ruined barn and collapsing farmhouse fan out in front of me, just as the music swells, a wave about to break: The breath leaves my body all at once, and I"m struck dumb by the beauty of it. For a second it seems to me like I really am looking down at the ocean-a sea of people, writhing and dancing in the light spilling down from the barn like shadows twisting up around a flame.

The barn is completely gutted: split open and blackened by the fire, exposed to the elements. Only half of it is left standing-fragments of three walls, a portion of the roof, part of an elevated platform that must once have been used to store hay. That"s where the band is playing. Thin, stalky trees have begun pushing up in the fields. Older trees, seared completely white from the fire and totally bald of branches and leaves, point like ghostly fingers to the sky.

Fifty feet beyond the barn, I see the low fringe of blackness where the unregulated land begins. The Wilds. I can"t make out the border fence from this distance, but I imagine I can feel it, can sense the electricity buzzing through the air. I"ve only been close to the border fence a few times. Once with my mother years ago, when she made me listen to the zipping of the electricity-a current so strong the air seems to hum with it; you can get a shock just from standing four feet away-and promise never, ever, ever to touch it. She told me that when the cure was first made mandatory, some people tried to escape over the border. They never put more than a hand on the fence before being fried like bacon-I remember that"s exactly what she said, like bacon. Since then I"ve run alongside it with Hana a few times, always careful to stay a good ten feet away.

In the barn, someone has set up speakers and amps and even two enormous, industrial-sized lamps, which make everyone close to the stage look starkly white and hyper-real, and everyone else dark and indistinct, blurry. A song ends and the crowd roars together, an ocean sound. I think, They must be mooching power from a grid on one of the other farms They must be mooching power from a grid on one of the other farms. I think, This is stupid, I"ll never find Hana, there are too many people This is stupid, I"ll never find Hana, there are too many people-and then a new song starts, this one just as wild and beautiful, and it"s like the music reaches across all that black s.p.a.ce and pulls at something at the very heart and root of me, plucking me like a string. I head down the hill toward the barn. The weird thing is I don"t choose to do it. My feet just go on their own, as though they"ve happened on some invisible track and it"s all just slide, slide, slide.

For a moment I forget that I"m supposed to be looking for Hana. I feel as though I"m in a dream, where strange things are happening but they don"t feel strange. Everything is cloudy-everything is wrapped in a fog-and I"m filled from head to toe with the single, burning desire to get closer to the music, to hear the music better, for the music to go on and on and on.

"Lena! Oh my G.o.d, Lena!"

Hearing my name snaps me out of my daze, and I"m suddenly aware that I"m standing in a huge crush of people.

No. Not just people. Boys. And girls. Uncureds, all of them, without a hint of a blemish on their necks-at least the ones standing close enough for me to scope out. Boys and girls talking. Boys and girls laughing. Boys and girls sharing sips from the same cup. All of a sudden, I think I might faint.

Hana is barreling toward me, elbowing people out of the way, and before I can even open my mouth she"s jumping on top of me like she did at graduation, squeezing me in a hug. I"m so startled I stumble backward, nearly falling over.

"You"re here." She pulls away and stares at me, keeping her hands on my shoulders. "You"re actually here here."

Another song ends and the lead singer-a tiny girl with long black hair-calls out something about a break. As my brain slowly reboots, I have the dumbest thought: She"s even shorter than I am, and she"s singing in front of five hundred people. She"s even shorter than I am, and she"s singing in front of five hundred people.

Then I think, Five hundred people, five hundred people, what am I doing here with five hundred people? Five hundred people, five hundred people, what am I doing here with five hundred people?

"I can"t stay," I say quickly. The moment the words are out of my mouth I feel relieved. Whatever I came here to prove has been proven; now I can go. I need to get out of this crowd, the babble of voices, a shifting wall of chests and shoulders all around me. I was too wrapped up in the music earlier to look around, but now I have the sensation of colors and perfumes and hands twisting and turning around us.

Hana opens her mouth-maybe to object-but at that second we"re interrupted. A boy with dirty blond hair falling into his eyes pushes his way over to us, carrying two big plastic cups.

The dirty-blond-hair boy pa.s.ses a cup to Hana. She takes it, thanks him, and then turns back to me.

"Lena," she says, "this is my friend Drew." I think she looks guilty for just a second, but then the smile is back on her face, as wide as ever, like we"re standing in the middle of St. Anne"s talking about a bio quiz.

I open my mouth but no words come out, which is probably a good thing, considering that there"s a giant fire alarm going off in my head. It may sound stupid and naive, but not once when I was heading to the farms did I even consider that the party would be coed. It didn"t even occur occur to me. to me.

Breaking curfew is one thing; listening to unapproved music is even worse. But breaking segregation laws is one of the worst offenses there is. Thus Willow Marks"s early procedure, and the graffiti scrawled on her house; thus the fact that Chelsea Bronson was kicked out of school after allegedly being found breaking curfew with a boy from Spencer, and her parents were mysteriously fired, and her whole family was forced to vacate their house. And-at least in Chelsea Bronson"s case-there wasn"t even any proof proof. Just a rumor going around.

Drew gives me a half wave. "Hey, Lena."

My mouth opens and closes. Still no sound. For a second we stand there in awkward silence. Then he extends a cup to me, a sudden, jerky gesture. "Whiskey?"

"Whiskey?" I squeak back. I"ve only had alcohol a few times. At Christmas, when Aunt Carol pours me a quarter gla.s.s of wine, and once at Hana"s house, when we stole some blackberry liqueur from her parents" liquor cabinet and drank until the ceiling started spinning overhead. Hana was laughing and giggling, but I didn"t like it, didn"t like the sweet sick taste in my mouth or the way my thoughts seemed to break apart like a mist in the sun. Out of control-that"s what it was, that"s what I hated.

Drew shrugs. "It"s all they had. Vodka always goes first at these things." At these things At these things-as in, these things happen these things happen, as in, more than once more than once.

"No." I try to shove the cup back at him. "Take it."

He waves me away, obviously misunderstanding. "It"s cool. I"ll just get another."

Drew smiles quickly at Hana before disappearing into the crowd. I like his smile, the way it rises crookedly toward his left ear-but as I realize I"m thinking about liking his smile, I feel the panic winging its way through me, beating through my blood, a lifetime of whispers and accusations.

Control. It"s all about control.

"I have to go," I manage to say to Hana. Progress.

"Go?" She wrinkles her forehead. "You walk all the way out here-"

"I biked."

"Whatever. You bike all the way out here and then you"re just going to go?" Hana reaches for my hand, but I cross my arms quickly to avoid her. She looks momentarily hurt. I pretend to shiver so she doesn"t feel bad, wondering why it feels so awkward to talk to her. This is my best friend, the girl I"ve known since second grade, the girl who used to split her cookies with me at lunch, and once put her fist in Jillian Dawson"s face after Jillian said my family was diseased.

"I"m tired," I say. "And I shouldn"t be here." I want to say, You shouldn"t be here either You shouldn"t be here either, but I stop myself.

"Did you hear the band? They"re amazing, aren"t they?" Hana"s being way too nice, totally un-Hana, and I feel a deep, sharp pain under my ribs. She"s trying to be polite. She"s acting like we"re strangers. She feels the awkwardness too.

"I-I wasn"t listening." For some reason I don"t want Hana to know that yes, I heard, and yes, I thought they were amazing, better than amazing. It"s too private-embarra.s.sing even, something to be ashamed of, and despite the fact that I came all the way to Roaring Brook Farms and broke curfew and everything, just to see her and apologize, the feeling I had earlier today returns to me: I don"t know Hana anymore, and she doesn"t really know me.

I"m used to a feeling of doubleness, of thinking one thing and having to do another, a constant tug-of-war. But somehow Hana has fallen cleanly away into the double half, the other world, the world of unmentionable thoughts and things and people.

Is it possible that all this time I"ve been living my life, studying for tests, taking long runs with Hana-and this other world has just existed existed, running alongside and underneath mine, alive, ready to sneak out of the shadows and the alleyways as soon as the sun goes down? Illegal parties, unapproved music, people touching one another with no fear of the disease, with no fear for themselves.

A world without fear. Impossible.

And even though I"m standing in the middle of the biggest crowd I"ve ever seen in my life, I suddenly feel very alone.

"Stay," Hana says quietly. Even though it"s a command, there"s a hesitation in her voice, like she"s asking a question. "You can catch the second set."

I shake my head. I wish I hadn"t come. I wish I hadn"t seen this. I wish I didn"t know what I know now, could wake up tomorrow and ride over to Hana"s house, could lie out at Eastern Prom with her and complain about how boring summers are, like we always do. Could believe that nothing had changed. "I"m going to go," I say, wishing my voice didn"t come out shaky. "It"s all right, though. You can stay."

The second I say it, I realize she never offered to come back with me. She"s looking at me with the weirdest mixture of regret and pity.

"I can come back with you if you want," she says, but I can tell she"s only offering now to make me feel better.

"No, no. I"ll be fine." My cheeks are burning and I take a step back, desperate to get out of there. I b.u.mp against someone-a boy-who turns and smiles at me. I step quickly away from him.

"Lena, wait." Hana goes to grab me again. Even though she already has a drink, I shove my cup in her free hand so she has to pause, momentarily frowning as she tries to juggle both drinks into the crook of an elbow, and in that second I dance backward out of her reach.

"I"ll be fine, I promise. I"ll talk to you tomorrow." Then I"m slipping through a narrow s.p.a.ce between two people-that"s the only benefit of being five-two, you have a good vantage point on all the in-between s.p.a.ces-and before I know it, Hana has dropped behind me, swallowed up by the crowd. I weave a path away from the barn, keeping my eyes down, hoping my cheeks cool off fast.

Images swirl by, a blur, making me feel like I"m dreaming again. Boy. Girl. Boy. Girl. Laughing, shoving each other, touching each other"s hair. I"ve never, not once in my whole life, felt so different and out of place. There"s a high, mechanized shriek, and then the band starts playing again, but this time the music does nothing for me. I don"t even pause. I just keep walking, heading for the hill, imagining the cool silence of the starlit fields, the familiar dark streets of Portland, the regular rhythm of the patrols, marching quietly in sync, the feedback from the regulators" walkie-talkies-regular, normal, familiar, mine.

Finally the crowd starts thinning. It was hot, pressed up against so many people, and the breeze stings my skin, cools my cheeks. I"ve started to calm down a little, and at the edge of the crowd I allow myself one look back at the stage. The barn, open to the sky and the night and glowing white with light, reminds me of a palm cupping a small bit of fire.

"Lena!"

It"s strange how I instantly recognize the voice even though I"ve heard it only once before, for ten minutes, fifteen tops-it"s the laughter that runs underneath it, like someone leaning in to let you in on a really good secret in the middle of a really boring cla.s.s. Everything freezes. The blood stops flowing in my veins. My breath stops coming. For a second even the music falls away and all I hear is something steady and quiet and pretty, like the distant beat of a drum, and I think, I"m hearing my heart, I"m hearing my heart, except I know that"s impossible, because my heart has stopped too. My vision does its camera-zoom focus again and all I see is Alex, shouldering his way out of the crowd toward me. except I know that"s impossible, because my heart has stopped too. My vision does its camera-zoom focus again and all I see is Alex, shouldering his way out of the crowd toward me.

"Lena! Wait."

A brief flash of terror zips through me-for a wild second I think he must be here as part of a patrol, as a raiding group or something-but then I see he"s dressed normally, in jeans and his scuffed-up sneakers with the ink-blue laces and a faded T-shirt.

"What are you doing here?" I stammer out as he catches up to me.

He grins. "Nice to see you too."

He has left a few feet of distance between us, and I"m glad. In the half-light I can"t make out the color of his eyes and I don"t need to be distracted right now, don"t need to feel the way I did at the labs when he leaned in to whisper to me-the total awareness of the bare inch that separated his mouth from my ear, terror and guilt and excitement all at once.

"I"m serious." I do my best to scowl at him.

His smile falters, though it doesn"t disappear entirely. He blows air out of his lips. "I came to hear the music," he says. "Like everybody else."

"But you can"t-" I"m struggling to find words, not quite sure how to say what I want to say. "But this is-"

"Illegal?" He shrugs. One strand of hair curls down over his left eye, and when he turns to scan the party it catches the light from the stage and winks that crazy golden-brown color. "It"s okay," he says, quieter, so that I have to lean forward to hear him over the music. "n.o.body"s hurting anybody."

You don"t know that, I start to say, but the way his words are just edged with sadness stops me. Alex runs a hand through his hair and I make out the small, dark, three-p.r.o.nged scar behind his left ear, perfectly symmetrical. Maybe he"s only regretful for the things he lost after the cure. Music doesn"t move people the same way, for example, and while he should have been cured of feelings of regret, too, the procedure works differently for everybody, and it isn"t always perfect. That"s why my aunt and uncle sometimes still dream. That"s why my cousin Marcia used to find herself crying hysterically, with no warning or apparent cause. I start to say, but the way his words are just edged with sadness stops me. Alex runs a hand through his hair and I make out the small, dark, three-p.r.o.nged scar behind his left ear, perfectly symmetrical. Maybe he"s only regretful for the things he lost after the cure. Music doesn"t move people the same way, for example, and while he should have been cured of feelings of regret, too, the procedure works differently for everybody, and it isn"t always perfect. That"s why my aunt and uncle sometimes still dream. That"s why my cousin Marcia used to find herself crying hysterically, with no warning or apparent cause.

"So what about you?" He turns back to me and the smile is on again, and the teasing, winking quality of his voice. "What"s your excuse?"

"I didn"t want to come," I say quickly. "I had to-" I break off, realizing I"m not sure sure why I had to come. "I had to give something to someone," I say finally. why I had to come. "I had to give something to someone," I say finally.

He raises his eyebrows, clearly unimpressed. I rush on, "To Hana. My friend. You met her the other day."

"I remember," he says. I"ve never seen anyone maintain a smile for so long. It"s like his face is naturally molded that way. "You haven"t said you"re sorry yet, by the way."

"For what?" The crowd has continued to press closer to the stage, so Alex and I are no longer surrounded by people. Occasionally someone walks by, swinging a bottle of something or singing along, slightly off-key, but for the most part we"re alone.

"For standing me up." One corner of his mouth hitches higher, and again I have the feeling that he"s sharing some delicious secret with me, that he"s trying to tell me something. "You were a no-show at Back Cove that day."