"Well, we"re totally out of painkillers back here. Didn"t you notice?"
He stares at me for several long seconds. I keep my hands clasped tightly behind my back. Otherwise I"m sure their trembling would give me away. Finally he shakes his head.
"I"m going to see if I can dig some up in the supply room. Grab the register, okay?" I slip out from behind the counter slowly, so I don"t rattle, keeping my body angled slightly away from him. Hopefully he won"t notice the bulge in my ap.r.o.n. This is one symptom of the deliria deliria no one ever tells you about: Apparently the disease turns you into a world-cla.s.s liar. no one ever tells you about: Apparently the disease turns you into a world-cla.s.s liar.
I slip around a teetering pile of sagging cardboard boxes stacked at the back of the store and shoulder my way into the supply room, shutting the door behind me. Unfortunately it doesn"t lock, so I drag a crate of applesauce in front of the door, just in case Jed decides to come investigate when my search for the ibuprofen takes longer than usual.
A moment later there"s a quiet tap on the door that leads out into the alley. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
The door feels heavier than usual. It takes all my strength just to yank it open.
"I said to knock four four times-" I"m saying, as the sun cuts into the room, temporarily dazzling me. And then the words dry up in my throat and I nearly choke. times-" I"m saying, as the sun cuts into the room, temporarily dazzling me. And then the words dry up in my throat and I nearly choke.
"Hey," Hana says. She"s standing in the alley, shifting from foot to foot, looking pale and worried. "I was hoping you"d be here."
For a second I can"t even answer her. I"m overwhelmed with relief-Hana is here, intact, whole, fine-and at the same time anxiety starts drumming through me. I scan the alley quickly: no sign of Alex. Maybe he saw Hana and got scared off.
"Um." Hana wrinkles her forehead. "Are you going to let me in, or what?"
"Oh, sorry. Yeah, come in." She scoots past me, and I shoot one last look up and down the alley before closing the door behind me. I"m happy to see Hana but nervous, too. If Alex shows up while she"s here...
But he won"t, I tell myself. I tell myself. He must have seen her. He must know it"s not safe to come now. He must have seen her. He must know it"s not safe to come now. Not that I"m worried that Hana would tell on me, but still. After all the lectures I gave her about safety and being reckless, I wouldn"t Not that I"m worried that Hana would tell on me, but still. After all the lectures I gave her about safety and being reckless, I wouldn"t blame blame her for wanting to bust me. her for wanting to bust me.
"Hot in here," Hana says, lifting her shirt away from her back. She"s wearing a white billowy shirt and loose-fitting jeans with a thin gold belt that picks up the color of her hair. But she looks worried, and tired, and thin. As she turns a circle, checking out the storeroom, I notice tiny scratches crisscrossing the backs of her arms. "Remember when I used to come and hang out with you here? I"d bring magazines and that stupid old radio I used to have? And you"d steal-"
"Chips and soda from the cooler," I finish. "Yeah, I remember." That was how we got through summers in middle school, when I first started logging time at the store. I used to fabricate reasons to come back here all the time, and Hana would show up at some point in the early afternoon and knock on the door five times, really soft. Five times. I should have known.
"I got your message this morning," Hana says, turning toward me. Her eyes look even bigger than usual. Maybe it"s that the rest of her face looks smaller, drawn inward somehow. "I walked by and didn"t see you at the register, so I figured I"d come around this way. I wasn"t in the mood to deal with your uncle."
"He"s not here today." I"m beginning to relax. Alex would have been here already if he was planning on coming. "It"s just me and Jed."
I"m not sure if Hana hears me. She"s chewing on her thumbnail-a nervous habit I thought she"d kicked years ago-and staring down at the floor like it"s the most fascinating bit of linoleum she"s ever seen.
"Hana?" I say. "Are you okay?"
An enormous shudder goes through her all at once, and her shoulders cave forward and she starts to sob. I"ve seen Hana cry only twice in my life-once when someone pegged her directly in the stomach during dodgeball in second grade, and once last year, after we saw a diseased girl getting wrestled to the street by police in front of the labs, and they accidentally cracked her head so hard against the pavement we heard it all the way up where we were standing, two hundred feet away-and for a moment I"m totally frozen and unsure of what to do. She doesn"t bring her hands to her face or try to wipe her tears or anything. She just stands there, shaking so hard I"m worried she"ll fall over, her hands clenched at her sides.
I reach out and skim her shoulder with one hand. "Shhh, Hana. It"s okay."
She jerks away from me. "It"s not okay." She draws a long, shaky breath and starts speaking in a rush: "You were right, Lena. You were right about everything. Last night-it was horrible. There was a raid.... The party got broken up. Oh G.o.d. There were people screaming, and dogs-Lena, there was blood. They were beating people, just cracking them over the head with their nightsticks like nothing. People were dropping right and left and it was-oh, Lena. It was so awful, so awful." Hana wraps her arms around her stomach and doubles forward like she"s about to be sick.
She starts to say something else, but the rest of her words get lost: Huge, shuddering sobs run through her whole body. I step forward and wrap her in a hug. For a second she tenses up-it"s very rare for us to hug, since it has always been discouraged-but then she relaxes and presses her face into my shoulder and lets herself cry. It"s kind of awkward, since she"s so much taller than I am; she has to hunch over. It would be funny if it weren"t so awful.
"Shhh," I say. "Shhh. It"s going to be okay." But the words seem stupid even as I say them. I think of holding Grace in my arms and rocking her to sleep, saying the same thing, as she screamed silently into my pillow. It"s going to be okay. It"s going to be okay. Words that mean nothing, really, just sounds intoned into vastness and darkness, little scrabbling attempts to latch on to something when we"re falling. Words that mean nothing, really, just sounds intoned into vastness and darkness, little scrabbling attempts to latch on to something when we"re falling.
Hana says something else I don"t understand. Her face is mashed into my shoulder blade and her words are garbled.
And then the knocking begins. Four soft but deliberate knocks, one right after the other.
Hana and I step away from each other immediately. She draws an arm across her face, leaving a slick of tears from wrist to elbow.
"What"s that?" she says. Her voice is trembling.
"What?" My first thought is to pretend I haven"t heard anything-and pray to G.o.d that Alex goes away.
Knock, knock, knock. Pause. Pause. Knock. Knock. Again. Again.
"That." Irritation creeps into Hana"s voice. I guess I should be happy she"s not crying anymore. "The knocking." She narrows her eyes, staring at me suspiciously. "I thought n.o.body comes in this way." Irritation creeps into Hana"s voice. I guess I should be happy she"s not crying anymore. "The knocking." She narrows her eyes, staring at me suspiciously. "I thought n.o.body comes in this way."
"They don"t. I mean-sometimes-I mean, the delivery guys-" I"m stumbling over my words, praying for Alex to go away, grasping for a lie that isn"t coming. So much for my newfound skills.
Then Alex pokes his head in the door and calls out, "Lena?" He catches sight of Hana first and freezes, half-in and half-out of the alley.
For a minute n.o.body speaks. Hana"s mouth literally falls open. She whips around from Alex to me and then back to Alex, so quickly it looks like her head is going to fly off her neck. Alex doesn"t know what to do either. He just stands completely still, like he can go invisible if he doesn"t move.
And it"s the stupidest thing in the world, but all I can blurt out is, "You"re late."
Hana and Alex both speak at once. "You told him to meet you?" she says, as he says, "I got stopped by patrol. Had to show my cards."
Hana gets businesslike all at once. This is why I admire her: One second she"s sobbing hysterically, the next second she"s completely in control.
"Come inside," she says, "and shut the door."
He does. Then he stands there awkwardly, shuffling his feet. His hair is sticking up all weirdly, and in that second he looks so young and cute and nervous I have a crazy urge to walk right up to him, in front of Hana, and kiss him.
But she quashes that urge really quickly. She turns to me and folds her arms and gives me a look I swear she stole from Mrs. McIntosh, the princ.i.p.al of St. Anne"s.
"Lena Ella Haloway Tiddle," she says. "You have some explaining to do."
"Your middle name is Ella?" Alex blurts.
Hana and I both shoot him a death stare, and he takes a step backward and ducks his head.
"Um." Words still aren"t coming very easily. "Hana, you remember Alex."
She keeps her arms locked in place and narrows her eyes. "Oh, I remember remember Alex. What I don"t remember is why Alex is Alex. What I don"t remember is why Alex is here here."
"He... well, he was going to drop off..." I"m still searching for a convincing explanation but, as usual, my brain picks that second to conveniently die on me. I look at Alex helplessly.
He gives a minute shrug of his shoulders, and for a moment we just stare at each other. I"m still not used to seeing him, to being around him, and again I have the sensation of falling into his eyes. But this time it"s not dizzying. It"s the opposite-grounding, like he"s whispering to me wordlessly, saying he"s there and he"s with me and we"re fine.
"Tell her," he says.
Hana leans up against the shelves stocked with toilet paper and canned beans, relaxing her arms just enough so I know she isn"t mad, and gives me a look like, You You better better tell me tell me.
So I do. I"m not sure how long we have until Jed gets tired of manning the register by himself, so I try to keep it short. I tell her about running into Alex at Roaring Brook Farms; I tell her about swimming out to the buoys with him at East End Beach and what he told me when we were there. I choke a little bit on the word Invalid Invalid and Hana"s eyes widen-just for a second I see a look of alarm flash across her face-but she keeps it together pretty well. I finish by telling her about last night, and going to find her to warn her about the raids, and the dog and how Alex saved me. When I describe hiding out in the shed I get nervous again-I don"t tell her about the kissing, but I can"t help but think about it-but Hana is openmouthed again at that point, and obviously in shock, so I don"t think she notices. and Hana"s eyes widen-just for a second I see a look of alarm flash across her face-but she keeps it together pretty well. I finish by telling her about last night, and going to find her to warn her about the raids, and the dog and how Alex saved me. When I describe hiding out in the shed I get nervous again-I don"t tell her about the kissing, but I can"t help but think about it-but Hana is openmouthed again at that point, and obviously in shock, so I don"t think she notices.
The only thing she says at the end of my story is: "So you were there? You were there last night?" Her voice is weird and trembly, and I"m worried she"s going to start crying again. At the same time I feel a tremendous rush of relief. She"s not going to freak out about Alex, or be mad that I didn"t tell her.
I nod.
She shakes her head, staring at me like she"s never seen me before. "I can"t believe that. I can"t believe you snuck out during a raid-for me."
"Yeah, well." I shift uncomfortably. It feels like I"ve been talking for ages, and Hana and Alex have both been staring at me the whole time. My cheeks are flaming hot.
Just then there"s a sharp knock on the door that opens to the store, and Jed calls out, "Lena? Are you in there?"
I gesture frantically to Alex. Hana shoves him behind the door just as Jed starts pushing at it from the other side. He manages to get the door open only a few inches before it collides with the crate of applesauce.
In those few inches of s.p.a.ce, I can see one of Jed"s eyes blinking at me disapprovingly.
"What are you doing in there?"
Hana pops her head around the door and waves. "Hi, Jed," she says cheerfully, once again switching effortlessly into cheerful public mode. "I just came by to give Lena something. And we started gossiping."
"We have customers," Jed says sullenly.
"I"ll be out in a second," I say, trying to match Hana"s tone. The fact that Jed and Alex are separated by only a few inches of plywood is terrifying.
Jed grunts and retreats, closing the door again. Hana, Alex, and I look at one another in silence. All three of us exhale at the same time, a collective sigh of relief.
When Alex speaks again, he keeps his voice to a whisper. "I brought some things for your leg," he says. He takes the backpack off and sets it on the ground, then starts pulling out peroxide, Bacitracin, bandages, adhesive tape, cotton b.a.l.l.s. He kneels in front of me. "Can I?" he says. I roll up my jeans, and he starts unwinding the strips of T-shirt. I can"t believe Hana is standing there watching a boy-an Invalid-touch my skin. I know she would never in a million years have expected it, and I look away, embarra.s.sed and proud at the same time.
Hana inhales sharply once the makeshift bandages come off my leg. Without meaning to I"ve been squeezing my eyes shut.
"d.a.m.n, Lena," she says. "That dog got you good."
"She"ll be fine," Alex says, and the quiet confidence in his voice makes warmth spread through my whole body. I crack open an eye and sneak a look at the back of my calf. My stomach does a flop. It looks like an enormous chunk has been torn out of my leg. A few square inches of skin are just plain missing.
"Maybe you should go to the hospital," Hana says doubtfully.
"And tell them what?" Alex uncaps the tube of peroxide and begins wetting cotton b.a.l.l.s. "That she got hurt during a raid on an underground party?"
Hana doesn"t answer. She knows I can"t actually go to the doctor. I"d be strapped down in the labs, or thrown in the Crypts, before I could finish giving my name.
"It doesn"t hurt that bad," I say, which is a lie. Hana again gives me that look, like we"ve never met before, and I realize that she"s actually-and possibly for the first time in our lives-impressed with me. In awe of me, even.
Alex dabs on a thick coat of antibacterial cream and then starts wrestling with the gauze and the adhesive tape. I don"t have to ask where he got so many supplies. Another benefit to having security access in the labs, I a.s.sume.
Hana drops to her knees. "You"re doing it wrong," she says, and it"s a relief to hear her normal, bossy tone. I almost laugh. "My cousin"s a nurse. Let me."
She practically elbows him out of the way. Alex shuffles over and raises his hands in surrender. "Yes, ma"am," he says, and then winks at me.
Then I do start laughing. Fits of giggling overtake me, and I have to clamp my hands over my mouth to keep from shrieking and gasping and totally blowing our cover. For a second Hana and Alex just stare at me, amazed, but then they look at each other and start grinning stupidly.
I know we"re all thinking the same thing.
It"s crazy. It"s stupid. It"s dangerous. But somehow, standing in the sweltering storeroom surrounded by boxes of mac "n" cheese and canned beets and baby powder, the three of us have become a team.
It"s us against them, three against countless thousands. But for some reason, and even though it"s absurd, at that moment I feel pretty d.a.m.n good about our odds.
Chapter Sixteen.
Unhappiness is bondage; therefore, happiness is freedom.
The way to find happiness is through the cure.
Therefore, it is only through the cure that one finds freedom.
-From Will It Hurt? Common Questions and Answers About the Procedure, Will It Hurt? Common Questions and Answers About the Procedure, 9th edition, a.s.sociation of American Scientists, Official USA Government Agency Pamphlet 9th edition, a.s.sociation of American Scientists, Official USA Government Agency Pamphlet After that I find a way to see Alex almost every day, even on days I have to work at the store. Sometimes Hana comes along with us. We spend a lot of time at Back Cove, mostly in the evenings after everyone has left. Since Alex is on the books as cured, it"s not technically illegal for us to spend time together, but if anyone knew how much much time we spent together-or saw us laughing and dunking and having water fights or racing down by the marshes-they"d definitely get suspicious. So when we walk through the city we"re careful to stand apart, Hana and I on one sidewalk, Alex on the other. Plus, we look for the emptiest streets, the run-down parks, the abandoned houses-places where we won"t be seen. time we spent together-or saw us laughing and dunking and having water fights or racing down by the marshes-they"d definitely get suspicious. So when we walk through the city we"re careful to stand apart, Hana and I on one sidewalk, Alex on the other. Plus, we look for the emptiest streets, the run-down parks, the abandoned houses-places where we won"t be seen.
We return to the houses in Deering Highlands. I finally understand how Alex knew how to find the toolshed during the raid night, and how he navigated the halls so perfectly in the pitch-dark. For years he has spent a few nights a month squatting in the abandoned houses; he likes to take a break from the noise and the bustle of Portland. He doesn"t say so, but I know squatting must remind him of the Wilds.
One house in particular becomes our favorite: 37 Brooks Street, an old colonial that used to be home to a family of sympathizers. Like many of the other houses in Deering Highlands, the property has been boarded up and fenced off ever since the great rout that emptied the area, but Alex shows us a way to sneak in through a loosened plank covering one of the first-floor windows. It"s strange: Even though the place has been looted, some of the bigger furniture and the books are still there, and if it weren"t for the smoke stains creeping up the walls and ceilings, you might expect the owners to come home any moment.
The first time we go, Hana walks ahead of us calling, "h.e.l.lo! h.e.l.lo!" into the darkened rooms. I shiver in the sudden dark and coolness. After the blinding sunshine outside, it comes as a shock. Alex pulls me closer to him. I"m finally getting used to letting him touch me, and I don"t flinch or whip around to look over my shoulder every time he leans in for a kiss.
"Want to dance?" he teases.
"Come on." I slap him away. It feels weird to talk loudly in such a quiet place. Hana"s voice rolls back to us, sounding distant, and I wonder how big the house is, how many rooms there are, all covered in the same thick layer of dust, all draped in shadow.
"I"m serious," he says. He spreads his arms. "It"s the perfect place for it."
We"re standing in the middle of what must once have been a beautiful living room. It"s enormous-bigger than the whole ground floor of Carol and William"s apartment. The ceiling stretches up into darkness and a gigantic chandelier hangs above us, winking dully in the limited shafts of light that sneak through the boarded-up windows. If you listen hard, you can hear mice moving quietly in the walls. But somehow it"s not gross or frightening. Somehow it"s kind of nice, and it makes me think of woods and endless cycles of growth and death and regrowth-like what we"re really hearing is the house folding down around us, centimeter by centimeter.
"There"s no music," I say.
He shrugs, winks, holds out his hand. "Music is overrated," he says.
I let him draw me toward him so we"re standing chest to chest. He"s so much taller than I am, my head barely reaches his shoulder, and I can feel his heart drumming through his chest, and it gives us all the rhythm we need.
The best part of 37 Brooks is the garden in the back. An enormous overgrown lawn winds between ancient trees, so thick and gnarled and knotted their arms twist overhead and form a canopy. The sunlight filters through the trees and spots the gra.s.s a pale white. The whole garden feels as cool and quiet as the library at school. Alex brings a blanket and leaves it inside the house. Whenever we come we take it and shake it out on the gra.s.s, and all three of us lie there, sometimes for hours, talking and laughing about nothing in particular. Sometimes Hana or Alex buys some food for a picnic, and one time I manage to swipe three cans of soda and a whole carton of candy bars from my uncle"s store, and we get totally crazy on a sugar high and play games like we did when we were little-hide-and-seek and tag and leapfrog.
Some of the tree trunks are as wide as four garbage pails mashed together, and I take a picture of Hana, laughing, trying to fit her arms around one of them. Alex says the trees must have been here for hundreds of years, which makes Hana and me go silent. That means they were here before before-before the borders were shut down, before the walls were put up, before the disease was driven into the Wilds. When he says it, something aches in my throat. I wish I could know what it was like then.
Most of the time, though, Alex and I spend time alone and Hana covers for us. After weeks and weeks of not seeing her at all, suddenly I"m going to Hana"s every single day-and sometimes twice in one day (when I see Alex; and then when I actually actually see Hana). Fortunately, my aunt doesn"t pry. I think she a.s.sumes we had a fight and are making up for lost time now, which is kind of true anyway and suits me fine. I"m happier than I can ever remember being. I"m happier than I can ever remember even dreaming of being, and when I tell Hana I can never in a million years repay her for covering for me, she just crooks her mouth into a smile and says, "You"ve already repaid me." I"m not sure what she means by that, but I"m just glad to have her back on my side. see Hana). Fortunately, my aunt doesn"t pry. I think she a.s.sumes we had a fight and are making up for lost time now, which is kind of true anyway and suits me fine. I"m happier than I can ever remember being. I"m happier than I can ever remember even dreaming of being, and when I tell Hana I can never in a million years repay her for covering for me, she just crooks her mouth into a smile and says, "You"ve already repaid me." I"m not sure what she means by that, but I"m just glad to have her back on my side.
When Alex and I are alone we don"t do much-just sit and talk-but still time seems to shrivel away, fast as paper catching on fire. One minute it"s three o"clock in the afternoon. The next minute, I swear, the light is draining from the sky and it"s almost curfew.
Alex tells me stories about his life: about his "aunt" and "uncle," and some of the work they do, although he"s still pretty vague about what the sympathizers and the Invalids are aiming for and how they"re working to achieve it. That"s okay. I"m not sure I want to know. When he mentions the need for resistance, there is a tightness to his voice, and anger coiling underneath his words. At those times, and only for a few seconds, I"m still afraid of him, still hear the word Invalid Invalid drumming in my ear. drumming in my ear.
But mostly Alex tells me normal stuff, about his aunt"s Frito pie and how whenever they get together his uncle gets a little too tipsy and tells the same stories about the past over and over. They"re both cured, and when I ask him whether they aren"t happier now, he shrugs and says, "They miss the pain, too."