"Do they know we sent out for hookers?" asked Corporal Williams, uneasily. "What if my girlfriend finds out?"
"Your girlfriend watches Arthropodan Cable TV News?" asked Private Wayne.
"Probably," said Corporal Williams. "I think she does. She is going to kill me."
"Why is it taking so long for room service?" asked Private Wayne. "You are right. This place is a real dump."
"What do we do now?" asked Corporal Williams. "What if the spider commander or the police show up?"
"I know what I am going to do," said Private Wayne, picking up the phone. "I am going to complain to the manager about their slow room service."
"After we blow a hole in the roof and rescue Spot, we will immediately get out of here," said Guido. "It"s a simple plan, but it will work."
"Leave before the hookers and vodka arrive?" asked Private Wayne. "No way! I want my money"s worth."
"We should just dig through the ceiling with our combat knives," suggested Corporal Williams, poking at the ceiling. "It will make less noise."
A short time later, the bellhop arrived with duct tape and vodka. Guido taped three grenades to the ceiling. Corporal Williams turned the volume up on the TV, hoping to cover up the sound of the explosions. Guido pulled the pins, and they took cover in the shower. The explosions punched a hole in the ceiling and started a small fire. Smoke and dust filled the air as debris dropped down. Corporal Williams called room service, requesting a fire extinguisher be brought up with the hookers.
Guido raised himself up through the hole and onto the roof. Spot was gone. Guido looked over the ledge down to the swimming pool. Spot was swimming circles in the water. He had a spider leg in his mouth that trailed blood as he swam.
"Spot!" Guido called out. "Up here!"
Spot looked up. He dropped the leg and raced straight up the side of the hotel facade and into Guido"s arms. In his exuberance, the happy dragon knocked Guido over, licking his face with his forked tongue. Guido led Spot down through the hole to their suite. The phone was ringing and someone was knocking at the door.
"Who is it?" asked Guido, peeking through the door eyehole. "Do you have our steaks yet?"
"Room service," said the bellhop. "I have your fire extinguisher. Is everything all right? We heard an explosion."
"Where are the hookers?" shouted Private Wayne.
"Who else is with you?" asked Guido.
"The hotel manager. Is everything satisfactory for His Excellency?" asked the hotel manager.
"No!" said Private Wayne as he opened the door and grabbed the fire extinguisher. "We want a new room. This one is a dump! It is totally unacceptable for the amba.s.sador to stay in a dump like this. Are you purposely trying to provoke an intergalactic incident by putting us in the worst room in your hotel?"
"I am very sorry your room is unsatisfactory," said the manager. "I will personally see to it you get a new suite."
"I want two joined suites on the first floor," said Guido.
"I am sorry, sir, but our suites do not interconnect," said the manager.
"Just make sure the rooms are next to each other," said Guido. "I"ll connect the suites myself. Seems like I have to do everything myself these days. Where are my steaks?"
"And where are the hookers and vodka?" asked Private Wayne, losing his patience. "How does the Plaza expect to stay in business with service this slow?"
The smoke detector went off. The fire was getting larger, and the smoke thicker. Guido slammed the door and sprayed the fire with powder from the fire extinguisher. The hotel manager knocked on the door again. Spot let out a growl. Guido opened the door again, this time keeping the chain hooked.
"What now?" asked Guido.
"Sir, I have to add a damage deposit to your bill for the dragon," said the manager. "Normally we do not allow dragons on the hotel premises. I a.s.sume your dragon is here as part of security arrangements for the amba.s.sador?"
"You a.s.sume right," said Guido, slamming the door again.
The sprinkler system activated because the fire was still spreading. When the bellhop knocked on the door again to announce that their new suites were ready, the nervous legionnaires left quickly. The bellhop glanced inside as the legionnaires streamed out.
"The place is falling apart," explained Guido. "I blame it on poor construction workmanship and your lax spider building codes."
"Yes, sir," said the bellhop, accepting a large tip and leading them downstairs to their new suites. He opened the doors. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"Yes," said Guido, handing the bellhop more cash. "The amba.s.sador likes to swim late at night, but has privacy concerns. Close the pool and make sure it gets a good cleaning first. Earlier when I inspected your pool, I saw some nasty floaters in the water."
"Yes, sir," said the bellhop, pocketing another tip. "I will personally look into it and close the pool. Anything else, sir?"
"Send some marijuana up with the vodka," said Private Wayne. "Make sure it"s good stuff. I do not want stems and seeds like I got last time."
"Sir, marijuana is illegal throughout the Empire," said the bellhop. "We execute drug dealers. I believe marijuana is even illegal among your human pestilence a.s.sociates."
"Quite right," said Private Wayne. "Sorry, I forgot. This conversation never happened. Are you wearing a wire? Give the fool another tip."
Outside, a fire alarm claxon sounded, and the sirens of fire trucks could be heard getting closer. Soon there was a loud knock at the door.
"Who is it?" asked Guido.
"It had better be room service with hookers and booze," warned Private Wayne.
"Intelligentsia State Security," announced the team leader outside. "Open this door at once. I want to talk to the amba.s.sador."
"It"s the cops," said Corporal Williams. "Don"t open the door! Act normal!"
"It"s about time you got here," said Guido, speaking through the door. "I want around-the-clock security posted outside this suite, and armed roving patrols on the grounds."
"Open the door!" ordered the Intelligentsia.
"Don"t let the pigs in!" warned Private Wayne.
"Make them read us our rights," suggested Corporal Williams.
"The amba.s.sador has retired for the evening," advised Guido through the door. "Go away! He will talk to you tomorrow!"
"Open this door, or I will break it down!" threatened the Intelligentsia.
Private Wayne opened the door and shoved the Intelligentsia team leader back into the other officers. "How dare you attempt to interrupt the much-needed sleep of the amba.s.sador! Others have been executed for less. What makes you so special?"
"Who are you?" asked the Intelligentsia team leader, eyeing the big spider suspiciously. "I thought only traitorous Green spiders joined the human pestilence Foreign Legion."
"I am a special liaison to the amba.s.sador," said Private Wayne. "You will keep a civil tone to your hiss, or I will report you to the Governor of the North Territory. The governor is a personal friend of mine."
"No harm was intended," said the Intelligentsia team leader. "May I see your diplomatic credentials?"
"Credentials? We don"t need no stinking credentials," said Private Wayne, slamming the door shut. He turned to the others and mumbled, "We might have a problem."
"I am authorized to use force if you refuse to open this door and cooperate fully with my investigation," said the Intelligentsia team leader, pounding on the door louder. "You will explain yourselves and the damage upstairs."
"Your threats are not conducive to our diplomatic efforts," said Guido, as he opened the door again. "As long as the amba.s.sador is staying in this suite, these premises are elevated to emba.s.sy status. That means an invasion of this suite is considered the same as any other invasion of the MDL. The amba.s.sador is not required to explain to the likes of you or any other spider flatfoot what occurs on United States Galactic Federation territory. Do I make myself clear?"
"No," said the Intelligentsia team leader. "You blew a hole in the roof, the top of the hotel is on fire, and your dragon is suspected of eating tourists in the pool."
"Tourists? What do I care of tourists?" asked Guido. "Do not bother us with your tedious local problems, again. The amba.s.sador is here to negotiate a peace treaty and to avert an intergalactic nuclear war. Does the governor know you are here hara.s.sing us and disturbing the peace? Get the governor on the phone right now!"
"This is highly irregular," said the Intelligentsia team leader meekly. "But in the interests of intergalactic peace, I guess some leeway can be given."
Room service arrived with carts of booze, followed by a gaggle of hookers. Guido handed each officer a bottle of booze in appreciation of their cooperation. The paparazzi snapped off pictures as Guido waved and smiled for the press, and the entire diplomatic coup was filmed for Arthropodan Cable TV World News Tonight. Guido announced that Amba.s.sador Williams would be available for a formal press conference in the morning.
The spider commander arrived with the press at noon the next day to meet with Amba.s.sador Williams. Corporal Williams, wearing only a complimentary hotel bathrobe, greeted them at the door. The spider commander and his bodyguards barged into the suite, followed by the Intelligentsia Security Police, and a cable TV news crew.
"I am here to begin negotiations," announced the spider commander. "You are His Excellency?"
"Yes," said Corporal Williams, extending a hand to shake. "Please excuse my informal attire. I sent my laundry out, and my suits have not been returned. The service at this hotel is awful."
"Finding good help in New Gobi is always difficult," commiserated the spider commander. He vigorously shook Williams" hand. "How shall we resolve our differences and avert another war?"
"The Legion will stop shooting if you stop shooting," suggested Corporal Williams.
"Agreed," said the spider commander, turning to face a cable TV camera. "See? It is not that hard to find common ground once you start talking face-to-face."
"Great!" said Corporal Williams, rising from his chair. "Our work is done. I"m going home."
"Wait!" said the spider commander. "There are other issues to be discussed."
"There always are," said Corporal Williams. "Minor details can be negotiated by our aides. They can write up a formal agreement for us to sign later."
"No," said the spider commander. "Some details cannot wait. Colonel Czerinski has repeatedly tried to a.s.sa.s.sinate me. I want something done about Czerinski."
"Czerinski? That a.s.shole?" asked Corporal Williams. "Don"t worry about Czerinski. With just a phone call I"ll transfer Czerinski to guard duty at the South Pole. He"ll be counting penguins all day. Can we go home now?"
"Amba.s.sador Williams, you are my kind of diplomat," replied the spider commander. "If you had been sent here a long time ago, we could have avoided all this trouble from the start."
"Call me Your Excellency," insisted Corporal Williams.
"I sincerely believe we can do business, Your Excellency," said the spider commander. "Can I count on you as a friend? You would be my first human pestilence friend."
"All this talk of doing business reminds me," said Corporal Williams. "You are manufacturing moonshine and selling it to the Angry Onion Tavern at too high a price. If you want to continue your monopoly, you will have to be more reasonable about what you charge."
"I see you have been well briefed on local issues," replied the spider commander, turning to the TV camera and putting a claw over the lens. "I want that edited out! We are not broadcasting live are we?"
"Of course we are," replied the camera spider. "You ordered this be broadcast live, planet-wide."
"Well?" asked Corporal Williams. "Are you willing to be reasonable? If we expect others to find common ground, we must be willing to do the same in our personal dealings."
"Your Excellency, you are a hard bargainer," groused the spider commander. "Fine! I will lower prices."
"And, we need the New Mississippi River stocked with more catfish," said Corporal Williams. "Lately the fishing sucks."
"The New Mississippi River is outside of my sector of responsibility, but I will look into the matter for you," said the spider commander. What are catfish? What are catfish? he thought to himself. "We need to establish firm borders across the New Gobi Desert to reduce confrontations between colonists and our military." he thought to himself. "We need to establish firm borders across the New Gobi Desert to reduce confrontations between colonists and our military."
"Good idea," said Corporal Williams. "Do it. String lots of fence wire. Next issue?"
"Terrorists are becoming a problem again," said the spider commander. "Someone is supplying them landmines."
"Kill the terrorists. That"s what the Legion does," suggested Corporal Williams. "And reduce your indiscriminate use of landmines. Poor security allows the terrorists to dig up or steal landmines and use them against us."
"Kill the terrorists! That is exactly what I told the governor needed to be done," commented the spider commander. "I like your att.i.tude. Moving on, can you give me an update on our extradition request for most-wanted fugitive Raul Miranda?"
"We had him in custody," said Corporal Williams. "Czerinski ordered Miranda delivered to you, but the terrorist escaped. A legionnaire was seriously injured. We are hunting for Miranda and will shoot him on sight."
"That about resolves the major issues for now," announced the spider commander, speaking to the cameras. "I appreciate General Kalipetsis finally sending a reasonable amba.s.sador I can work with. Someone who can get things done."
"What about the expansion of cable TV across the MDL into United States Galactic Federation territory?" asked one of the reporters. "Cable is so superior to satellite TV."
"First of all, I reject your premise of superiority," said Corporal Williams, visibly upset. "Everyone knows friends do not let friends watch cable. We will go to war before allowing your cable rot to extend its tentacles across the MDL."
"We can table that issue," suggested the spider commander, wanting to calm down Amba.s.sador Williams. "Let us agree to disagree."
"But your stubborn boneheaded position is so irrational," argued the reporter. "And Fox News Network is neither fair nor impartial."
"What?" said Corporal Williams, reaching for his pistol but only finding the pockets of his bathrobe. "You are lucky to be on this side of the MDL. The Legion throws obnoxious reporters like you out airlocks."
"That is more common ground we need to establish between our two great cultures," agreed the spider commander, as he nodded to the Intelligentsia team leader. The police grabbed the reporter and dragged him from the room, yelling and thrashing about. As they got to the doorway, the reporter threw his shoe at Amba.s.sador Williams. Williams ducked and gave the reporter the one-fingered salute in return.
"Too bad you don"t have airlocks on the planet"s surface," commented Corporal Williams.
"I agree," said the spider commander. "Negotiations have gone so well, I would like to invite you to a banquet in your honor tonight to celebrate the historic agreements reached today."
"I don"t know," said Corporal Williams. "I just want to get out of town alive."
"We all want to leave the New Gobi," said the spider commander. "But we are stuck here. Our sense of duty requires us to sacrifice and endure this G.o.dforsaken place. Besides, it will be good press. The photo ops will be invaluable."
"Will there be more vodka and hookers?" asked Private Wayne.
"Please excuse my spider liaison officer," said Corporal Williams. "I"m putting him into s.e.x and alcohol rehab as soon as we cross the MDL."
"No apology is needed," said the spider commander. "As I said, good help is hard to find in the Gobi. To further the spirit of cooperation and co-existence exemplified here today, I will accommodate your cultural preferences and personally provide lots of alcohol and hookers for the banquet."
"We will be there!" said Amba.s.sador Williams.