Between two firing armies.
I reconsidered the phone call in the middle of the night. The pair of women at the Bristol Lounge. The man on the train. I had thought myself the observer in all of this but found now that I had been the one being observed and that this conflict had come to include me.
A war, Lucian called it. A satanic grudge match against an omniscient G.o.d who loved his human creation. A G.o.d I did not know. Lucian called it. A satanic grudge match against an omniscient G.o.d who loved his human creation. A G.o.d I did not know.
I wanted to rail as he had railed, to accuse him, but I knew without checking that my calendar remained untouched.
The demon had left me.
He had accomplished his purpose. He had put up his story like so much window dressing, spinning his tale as deftly as a spider, and it had been a distraction to me, as solid and real as the stately houses in Belmont. And just as the mansions were that day before my eyes-crumbled to the ground, ruined-I now stood stripped of all things I once was: husband, editor, would-be writer. An honest man. A "good man."
Worst of all, I was alone. Who could I talk to? Who could I tell who would not consider me a madman? I had lost Aubrey and alienated Sheila. I had not seen any of my supposed friends for months. I could call my sister, but where would I start, and if I did, how would she ever believe me?
I thought of Mrs. Russo, the kind, praying warrior who kept even the brash Lucian at bay. How could I tell even her?
I cancelled my doctor"s appointment. I vacillated between desperation and fear. I could not spend my life like this, but if I had inadvertently wandered into a battlefield of opposing spiritual forces, neither did I want to become yet another piece of collateral damage.
I returned to the online Bible, compared it again with my account-and I saw now that it was truly my account-of our every interaction. But while Lucian had finished his tale of jealousy, revenge, and his probable end, I knew-with the sense of one who has spent his entire life reading stories-that mine was not finished.
TWO DAYS LATER, I knocked on Mrs. Russo"s door. I had no idea what I would say, what to even ask for. But I knew she could help me find it.
When she pulled it open, she did not greet me with her characteristic smile and "h.e.l.lo, dear!" but told me to come in even as she hurried into the kitchen.
She was breathing quickly, her hands hesitating in the air before her as though they had forgotten what they were about.
I had expected to come in, to search for words, to be afraid to look into those aging hazel eyes. That she seemed fl.u.s.tered was even more unsettling.
"Open that refrigerator, Clay, and take out the perishables. You need to take them."
"Mrs. Russo, you"ve given me enough food to last for days. Is everything all right?"
She went into the bedroom and came back, a sweater over one arm, a book in another. A homemade sandwich was wrapped on her kitchen counter next to an apple, a bottle of water. She packed them into a carry-on bag on her kitchen table.
"Clay, would you set those flowering pots in the sink and run some water into them? Run it good, dear, until it comes out the bottom."
"Are you leaving town?" I asked with growing alarm.
"My son had an accident this morning on his way to work. I need to go help take care of my grandchildren."
"I"m so sorry. Is he all right?"
"He"s in the hospital, and I need to get to their house so Beth, my daughter-in-law, can be with him. On second thought, can you just take those plants with you? And will it be much trouble for you to collect the paper and mail for me while I"m gone? I don"t know how long it will be, but I"ll let you know if I"ll be more than a few weeks. I might have to trouble you to send me my bills."
I a.s.sured her that it was no problem, that I was glad to help. And while I tried to be as helpful as possible, I felt desperately alone at the thought of her impending departure.
"Why don"t you just call me when you know more? And if you think of anything else, I have my key."
"Thank you, dear. I meant to knock on your door earlier, but then I realized if I hurried, I could catch a train tonight, and I got distracted." She looked around, lost, but then fixed her eyes on something-a worn Bible on her coffee table, which she added to her bag.
I loitered, like a child watching a parent pack for a business trip. "I meant to ask if you"d been to that little church down the street, the Gospel Room."
"No, I haven"t, which is a shame since it"s so close." She looked around as though searching for anything she might have forgotten.
"Maybe," I said awkwardly, "we could go there together after you get back."
She paused to give me a wondering smile. "Why, I"d like that very much, Clay. I would like very much to visit that little church."
Somehow, in that moment, I knew that what I"d thought was true, that within her lay wisdom to counter Lucian"s knowledge and answers I had been afraid to ask for.
"I"ll enjoy our Sunday outing when I"m back. Especially if those grandkids of mine don"t do me in before then." She chuckled.
THAT NIGHT I ATE a sandwich with some of the lettuce and tomato from Mrs. Russo"s stash of "perishables."
I found myself thinking of Aubrey more and more, practically by the hour, as I once had. And I felt inexplicably guilty for the days I had forgotten her, for my mental absence, as if I had been taken in by someone new, like an interesting new friend in school who makes our old loyal standbys fade in comparison. Or a new fling, next to whom old relationships seem stale, familiarity having bred its inevitable contempt-only to discover that the l.u.s.ter of the new face had grown thin or, worse, that I had become the one pa.s.sed over in favor of a new infatuation.
Never mind that she had been the one to leave. When I was truthful about it, when I was honest with myself, I could admit that I had left her first-in spirit if not in deed.
Now, abandoned by Lucian, I found my thoughts returning to her in lieu of any other crutch on which to lean. My selfishness filled me with self-contempt, even as I wondered if she was happy or if she might be tiring even now of Richard, of his habit of playing the radio too loud, of chasing his food around on his plate with his fork as if it were a hockey puck, of predictably retreating from certain topics or conversations, of repeating the catchphrases that had once seemed funny but had grown as tedious as a pull toy. For the first time since the day in the museum, I considered calling her.
But I returned to my ma.n.u.script instead, adding to it my conversation with Mrs. Russo, my thoughts of Aubrey, my dread of the monster at the end of the book.
30.
With Mrs. Russo gone, I felt exposed, vulnerable, fearful. And hopeful.
Would Lucian come back to me now that she was gone and the "spiritual static" was no longer present? And if he did, would I welcome him? I could not shake the memory of our last encounter-hearing that screaming, even in my mind, sent chilly spikes through my gut.
I told myself I should get back to my life. There was still a life waiting for me as far as I knew, and I needed, if nothing else, to find a job.
One night I lay in bed trying to picture my future. It was filled with insomnia and demons. I stared at the ceiling and thought of Mrs. Russo.
"El?" I spoke, softly, feeling foolish. And then, "Elohim?" The night answered with silence.
I missed Mrs. Russo. I hoped for selfish reasons that her son would recover quickly. Lucian was right: I was not such a good man.
I WAS GATHERING MAIL-mine and Mrs. Russo"s-the next day when I saw it, peeking out from between a bill and her Cooking Light Cooking Light magazine. I knew the letterhead by the large magazine. I knew the letterhead by the large B B showing on the corner. I pulled it out of the stack and, by the feel of the single page inside it, knew I didn"t even need to read it. showing on the corner. I pulled it out of the stack and, by the feel of the single page inside it, knew I didn"t even need to read it.
But I did anyway.
Dear Clay:
In light of our recent separation, we feel it best to pa.s.s on Demon: A Memoir at this time. Please feel free to pursue publication with another house.
Best of luck,Helen GennaroEditorial DirectorBrooks and Hanover
My ma.n.u.script, my story-and now I knew that it was indeed my story-was my truth broadcast to the world. It was my voice.
But now that, too, was gone.
THE NEXT MORNING CAME upon me in a panic. I dressed in the same clothes I had worn the day before, hurried to my computer, and slammed my fist down on the keyboard when my calendar yielded, as I knew it would, nothing.
Outside on the street I turned away from Ma.s.sachusetts Avenue and walked toward Saint Mary"s. But I wasn"t going to Saint Mary"s. I stopped half a block shy of the cathedral, in front of the diminutive Gospel Room, a converted house that could not hold more than fifty people, if that. I stood there for a long moment before opening the tiny chain-link front gate and trying the door.
Locked.
Why were houses of G.o.d always locked?
As I turned away, I caught sight of someone standing on the corner of Inman, watching me. It frightened me at first, and then I became indignant.
"What? Who are you with?" Who are you with?"
The figure, a man in a short jacket, just stood there.
"Is that you?" I asked it with a spark of I knew not what-hope, anger, desperation, recklessness. I started across the street, but the figure turned and sauntered away. Something about that posture-the man leaning against the post of the house! Could it be him? Willing the glowing spots from my vision, I started after him again, but when I gained the corner, he was gone.
I SCROLLED THROUGH THE directory on my phone and dialed a number I had not called in months-had only saved, in fact, in order to identify the caller and avoid answering if I didn"t feel up to talking to her.
After five rings of waiting, for once, to actually get her on the phone, I resigned myself to leaving a message. But then someone picked up, and I thought I must have had the wrong number; the voice sounded nothing like the woman I knew.
"Is Katrina there?" Perhaps she had changed her number.
"This is she."
"Katrina," I said, caught off guard. And I knew why I had not recognized her at first: She sounded tired. tired.
"Clay?"
"Yes, sorry. This is Clay." I said, fumbling.
"I heard you left Brooks and Hanover."
"I guess you could say that. Did I wake you up?"
"No, no. I"m just worn out."
Katrina Dunn Lampe? Worn out? I was speechless. "You sound so different."
"Yeah, well, I"m going through treatment for a small tumor."
I hesitated, having never considered that Katrina might be subject to the same whims of nature as other mortals. "I had no idea. I"m so sorry." And I meant it. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do bad things happen to good people?
There are no good people.
"I"m glad you called. I"m sorry I haven"t been in touch. I"ve cut back to just a few days here and there." A dog barked in the background. After someone shushed it, she added, "I"m considering leaving the business, actually."
I stared, unsure what to say, what to ask. This was the most I"d ever known about her beyond the artifice of name-brand purses and manicured nails. And there was something remarkably attractive about the moment, and about her in it, despite the circ.u.mstances. Something remarkably human.
We talked for the better part of a half hour. I listened as she said she had gone to Connecticut for a few months to stay with her sister during treatment, that she had taken some time off to heal, to reevaluate.
"You"ll think it"s wild, Clay, but this experience has really made me think about things like spirituality."
She was the last person from whom I ever expected to hear anything of this sort.
Of course, anyone might have said the same of me.
I almost said something. I almost told her. But instead I said, lamely, "That"s really great, Katrina."
"My friends call me Kat."