Then the ogre suggested a name, trying to force a win for his side: "Dum."
Kim considered carefully. "Then you are Dum-Gent, and the elf is Dum-Belle."
Again the slow reaction. "Dum-Belle! Dumbbell! Dumbbell! She Dumbbell!"
Kim"s mouth opened in seeming dismay. "Oh, you have named her! She"s a real dumbbell, all right!"
But Jenny remained smart enough to keep her mouth shut.
The ogres agreed. But the game wasn"t over, because the ogre still had to be named. Kim suggested Intelli. And to the amazement of all, they got a good name out of mat: not Intelli-Belle, but Intelli-Gent Intelligent!
After some further consideration, the ogres realized that they had been had again. They had to let Jenny Elf go, too.
The two hastened to depart Kim had evidently seen more than enough of real live ogres for the day. But Jenny had to admit that she had done a very nice job of getting them out of their picklement. She might make a good Player after all.
However, there was a lot more of the game to go, and not all the other creatures they encountered would be stupid.
Chapter 3: ISTHMUS.
Nada hoped for the best but expected to settle for less. She had indeed been chosen to be the Companion of a teenage Mundane male, which was her worst-case scenario. He had already tried to get fresh, and male freshness was really stale for her. Almost as bad, he knew nothing about Xanth, and did not believe in magic. This was bound to be a real ch.o.r.e.
It had seemed considerably more romantic when the Demon Professor Grossclout had first broached the notion. He had explained that Clio, the Muse of History, was getting ready to write up another volume in her ongoing History of Xanth. She had a.s.signed the production ch.o.r.e to the demons. They expected it to be a good story, and there were openings for major characters therein. "Provided their heads are not full of mush," he said.
Nada wasn"t interested. She had little concern for the business of the Muses, and less for demons, and none for the role of a major character. "I just barely escaped having to marry a child, last time I was a major character," she reminded him. Now she hoped to remain comfortably retired, and let others carry the burden of notoriety.
"Ah, yes," the Professor said knowledgeably. "You needed to marry a prince, and only two were convenient. One was underage, and the other was your brother Naldo Naga. Now both are securely married, and you are Xanth"s most eligible princess." He gazed at her through his impressive spectacles. "Have you considered that such an episode may be excellent for introducing you to new prospects?"
Nada"s sleeping interest began to stir. "Prospects?"
"If a new eligible prince of sufficient age is to show up anywhere, it will be in such a volume. I should think you would want to be on hand for the occasion,"
The demon was beginning to get to her. Nada was now in her thoroughly marriageable decade, and time was pa.s.sing. It would be disheartening if a suitable prospect escaped because she wasn"t keeping an eye on the scene.
"But why are the demons involved in this?" she inquired. "Demons are never major characters. They care nothing about human events, unless they wish to interfere with them."
"Will you make a princessly oath of secrecy?" the Professor asked. "The question has an answer, but it is not given for mere humans to know."
"I am only half human," Nada said. "No one ever called me mere." She inhaled. It was an action that normally had a peculiar effect on any adult human males in the vicinity, making them become more reasonable and attentive, especially if she happened to be leaning forward at the time.
"Precisely," Grossclout said, yawning. In this manner he demonstrated his immunity to this particular magic.
Now her female curiosity was stirring too. Something phenomenally significant might be in the works. "Very well. So oathed."
"It is truly demon business," Grossclout confided. "The Demon E(A/R)th is attempting to take over Xanth. Naturally the Demon X(A/N)th objects to this. So the two are settling it in the Demon Way: by a contest of innocents in a dream."
"But demons don"t dream," Nada protested.
"Because they don"t sleep," he agreed. "Except for confused ones such as Metria. They merely go into stasis and think. However, mortals do sleep, and do dream, which is what keeps the realm of the gourd in business. Mortals also have waking dreams. Thus they will dream for the demons. The Game of the Companions of Xanth is intended to be an animation of such a dream, wherein mortals can partic.i.p.ate as if it is reality. One of them will win the prize, and one will not. This entire volume of the Muse"s history is to be devoted to this decision. Thus it falls to the lesser demons to make the arrangements, and to the mortal folk to play it out. We do not know what will const.i.tute a win for the Demon X(A/N)th, but we are certain that this matter affects us most intimately."
Nada was horrified. "If the Demon X(A/N)th loses, magic will disappear from Xanth!"
"This, too. So it does behoove us all to cooperate, hoping that our efforts will facilitate his success."
"But suppose we unwittingly make him lose?"
The Professor grimaced. He was very good at it, having terrified generations of hapless students at the Demon University of Magic. "That would be unfortunate," he remarked, his tone making Nada feel exactly like a student.
She did not dare question the matter further. She agreed to partic.i.p.ate in the volume. Thereafter she attended rehearsals diligently, because the Professor a.s.sured her that she would be chosen to be the Companion to a Mundane Player.
"A Mundane!" she shrieked, horrified. "I don"t want to a.s.sociate with any Mundane!"
The Professor could be amazingly reasonable when he had to. "Grey Murphy was a Mundane."
And Grey Murphy was Good Magician Humfrey"s a.s.sistant, and a Magician in his own right. If Nada didn"t marry a prince, she could marry a Magician; they were of similar status. Princess Ivy had already sewn up Grey Murphy, of course, but it did ill.u.s.trate the point. It was theoretically possible for a Mundane to be worthwhile.
"Particularly if the Demon X(A/N)th should lose," Grossclout said, as if reading her thought. He had had generations of practice in that sort of thing too, reading the guilty faces of students. "Mundania would then be much more important, and you would do well to have an a.s.sociation with a Mundane."
So Nada acceded to the notion of being a Companion to a Mundane. "But I won"t let him touch me in any Adult Conspirational way," she said firmly.
The demon glanced at her torso, which was among the firmest in Xanth. "Naturally not," he agreed. "He will probably be underage anyway."
"Underage!" she shrieked, echoing her horror of two moments before. "I have had it with underage males!"
"This is simply the nature of Mundanes who are interested in fantasy games," he explained soothingly. "They are all rebellious teenagers. It is in the Big Book of Rules."
She allowed herself to be soothed. "But how do you know that I will be selected to be a Companion? Aren"t there any other prospects?"
"Certainly. There will be six or seven. But suppose one of them were your brother Naldo, and the Mundane Player were female? Whom would she choose, regardless?"
"Naldo," she said immediately. "He is Xanth"s handsomest and most accomplished prince, until recently Xanth"s most eligible bachelor."
"And if the Mundane is male?"
Nada opened her mouth, and closed it again. He had made his point, in his irrefutable professorish manner.
Thus the rehearsals, which included male demons playing the parts of uncouth teenage Mundane males with grabby hands. Nada had to learn how to discourage these without biting their heads off. Because in her large serpent form she could readily do that, and the Professor made clear that this was a no-no. Players were not to be harmed in any way by their Companions. In fact, it was the Companion"s task to ensure that their Players were not hurt at all, and to help them proceed through the game and win the prize.
"But suppose he"s really obnoxious?" Nada demanded. "Then may I chomp him?"
"No. You must find some innocuous way to avoid his unwarranted attentions."
"But Mundane males are famous for their oafish persistence in the face of polite demurrals."
"True. Consider it a challenge."
"I shall do no such thing! I resign my position in this stupid game!"
The Professor looked pained. "Please do not force me to exert disciplinary persuasion."
"Forget it! I"m not one of your demon students! I"m a princess! I am departing these premises forthwith."
"I can not allow you to do that"
"Who cares what you allow! You have no authority over me."
"Unfortunately for you, I do have authority."
"Oh? Give me one indifferent reason why I should remain here against my princessly preference."
Grossclout sighed a small cloud of smoke. "Do you remember when you and Electra toured the realm of the gourd? You tasted some red whine."
"So I tasted some red whine!" she agreed. "I wanted to identify it So what?"
"So any creature who partakes of the food of the realm of the gourd thereafter remains bound to the gourd. Had you forgotten that?"
Nada"s hands flew to her face to cover up her unprincessly gape of horror. "Oh, my! I had forgotten."
"Therefore you have an obligation to the realm of the gourd. The demons have acquired the option on that obligation. You must partic.i.p.ate in our project. That will acquit you."
Nada realized that she was stuck for it The Demon Professor was notorious for leaving nothing to chance. Wearily she returned to the rehearsal.
Now she was glad of those tedious rehearsals, because she was well versed in turning aside obnoxious male moves without in any way diminishing her princessly status or maidenly appeal. She could handle herself. That of course did not make the situation fun, but at least it was tolerable.
This Dug promised to be exactly the type she had rehea.r.s.ed against. He was tall, handsome, halfway smart, and oafishly ignorant of magic. Furthermore, his hands were just twitching to put a move on her. He had spied her in the lineup, and his...o...b.. had spun into twin WOW position. What a job this was going to be!
But once it was done, she would be free of her obligation to the gourd. Possibly it might even be worth it.
They came to Isthmus Village. Because Dug had exercised his prerogative to Make Decisions, and naturally had made a bad one. He was from Mundania, where food evidently did not grow on trees. He thought they had to get supplies. Even weapons. How could he use a weapon from the other side of his screen? He needed neither food nor weapon here, as long as he refused to believe in magic. As long as he thought it was just a game.
At least that gave her some respite. As long as he did not believe, he could not truly enter the scene, and thus could not annoy her with anything other than verbal hara.s.sment. Of course she would have to handle the reaction of the villagers when they saw the screen traipsing about.
It did not take long for the villagers to notice them. A gruff village headman approached. "What are a beautiful Nada princess and a weird magic screen doing in our desolate village?" he demanded. Gruffly, of course.
"We wish to obtain supplies and weapons," Nada said dutifully. "We are traveling to see the Good Magician, and fear privation along the way."
"Why don"t you just use the magic path?"
"We can"t. It"s supposed to be a challenge, so the protection of the enchanted paths are denied us."
"Well, you won"t get any help here. We are angry folk who don"t like outsiders. Were you not so beautiful, we would be inclined to chastise you."
"Listen, twerp, you can"t talk to her like that!" Dug exclaimed from the screen.
Sure enough, he was getting them into trouble. "It"s all right, Dug," Nada murmured. "They can"t hurt us."
"Yeah, I"d like to see them try," he said aggressively.
The headman grimaced. "We may oblige you, apparition. Come out of that wandering screen and we shall enjoy giving you a decent thumping."
"Boy, I"d sure see about that, you old goat"
Nada moved to cover the screen as well as she could with her body, blocking Dug off from the scene. "We shall be going immediately, thank you kindly, sir," she said to the headman.
"Oh no we won"t!" Dug cried, as the screen circled around to recover its view of the proceedings. "Much as I like the sight of your backside." There was a slight fuzziness about the last word that indicated that the magical translation had had a problem; evidently he had used a different word that might or might not mean the same thing. Nada had the distinct impression that had it been possible for him to reach through the screen, he would have done something that required her to wham him across his insolent face.
"Oh, do you think so, you seclusive wretch," the headman said, as other villagers closed in around them, each looking more surly than the others. "Just because you can hide behind a lovely woman, you think you can insult us."
"No, no!" Nada said desperately. "He"s not trying to insult you. He just doesn"t understand." She tried to cover the screen again, this time being careful not to show her backside to it Unfortunately this was worse. Not only did she have the impression that Dug was peering down the front of her dress, the village men were inspecting her posterior. What a mess!
"The bleep I don"t understand!" Dug shouted. The word "bleep" was strongly fuzzed, showing that the Adult Conspiracy had blocked out the original word. Which was odd; she had never heard of it operating that way before. For one thing, there were no children close by, and Dug, at sixteen, was eligible to join the Conspiracy. There should have been no suppression of speech. "Much as I like looking at your bleeps up close."
Angry herself, Nada stepped away from the screen, folding her arms across her bosom. She would let Dug and the villagers exchange their own words; she had done all she could to avert trouble, but since both parties seemed to want it, that was that.
"Get out of the village!" the headman shouted back. "We don"t want your kind here! We have trouble enough already."
"Not without our supplies," Dug said.
A canny look crossed the headman"s face. "And how will you pay for supplies?"
That evidently made Dug pause. He didn"t have anything he could pa.s.s through the screen. But in a moment he bounced back. "With information, you bleep. What would you like to know? How ugly your puss is? How big your feet are?"
"We don"t need information, we need to be rid of the censorship," the headman said. "What can you do about that?"
"Censorship!" Dug exclaimed. "You mean you have that here?"
"We certainly do! And it"s a horror. Its power is increasing all the time, too. Soon it will totally enslave us, making us wholly miserable instead of merely frustrated."
This was new to Nada. But perhaps it offered an avenue for resolution of the crisis. "What is a censor-ship?" she asked.
"It"s a ship, of course. It sails into our port every day, and its censers send their incense smoke through our village, ruining our dialogue and incensing us. That is why we are so angry all the time."
"Censorship!" Dug exclaimed, laughing. "So that"s what it is! I had thought it was something more serious."
"We find nothing humorous about it," the headman said. "We just wish to be rid of it."
"But it"s just a pun. Where I come from, it"s a serious matter. They take books out of the libraries, and they stop the people from knowing the truth about government, and next t.i.tling, in countries where it"s really strong, they get into thought control."
"Exactly. At first it seemed mild, even beneficial. To protect our children. But it kept protecting more things and more people, until now we are almost slaves to it But we are powerless to throw it off."
Dug reconsidered. "Okay, I guess maybe you do have a real problem. I don"t like censorship. I want to make up my own mind what I should read or hear. I guess you do too."
"That is the truth," the headman said dourly.