Dug expected her to be smoky, but she was completely solid. He realized belatedly that she was not half demon, the way Threnody was, but full demon. She could change instantly.
Metria squeezed against him. Not only was she nude, she was voluptuous. She reached up and drew his head down for a kiss. "You should have chosen me to be your Companion," she murmured. "I could have made your life deliriously exciting."
He realized that it was true. He had taken one look at beautiful Nada and chosen her, but now he saw that the demoness could make herself just as shapely, and she had no princessly att.i.tude to counter it. He probably should have chosen her. He might not have gotten far in the game, but he would have enjoyed the distraction. He was now appreciating first-hand (first-mouth) what Sherlock had when he had gotten kissed by a demoness.
"Still could," she added, sliding her bare front across his clothed front as she inhaled. He realized that it was no bluff. Innocent was not a term anyone would ever apply to this creature.
However, at the moment he had a different mission. He had to catch up to Kim and warn her about her False Companion. So he steeled himself to ward off the demoness" allure. "Forget it," he said. "Maybe some other time, you infernal creature."
Right away he realized that he had blundered. Metria"s mouth curled into a frown, and then on into a fanged, tusked muzzle. It snapped at his nose, but was insubstantial as it closed. Dug was startled but unhurt.
Then the demoness faded into air. "I"ll be back," her words came.
"Oh, mice!" Jenny swore. "I told you to ignore her, not to insult her. Now she"ll be seriously mischievous."
"She was getting hard to ignore," Dug said defensively.
"All she was doing was getting in your way."
"She was hard to ignore," Sherlock said. "A child wouldn"t understand."
Jenny shrugged, obviously not understanding what appeal there could be in a lusciously shaped bare demoness who wasn"t wearing panties. Dug was glad for Sherlock"s support.
They set off south. But soon they encountered a huge gray donkey. "Well, now," the creature said. "Are you the three folk the demoness said are looking for trouble?"
Already the mischief of a demoness scorned was manifesting. This was obviously no ordinary equine. In fact, he saw that it had a whole bundle of tails. Dug thought fast. This was really just another kind of challenge: how to turn mischief into something positive. "No, we are the three folk who are in trouble," he said. "We"re looking for a way out of trouble. She must have misunderstood."
"Hee haw haw!" the donkey brayed. "That"s for sure."
"In fact, what we need to get out of trouble is a ride," Dug said. "A fine animal like you could do us a big favor."
"Hee haw! I"m the a.s.s O" Nine Tails. I can give you a ride anywhere. But you"ll have to listen to my tales."
Dug glanced at the other two. "Seems fair to me. Can you take us to the Good Magician"s castle?"
"Hee haw! That I can. Hop on."
Dug congratulated himself, internally. He had succeeded in converting a menace into an a.s.set. A genuine a.s.s-et.
Jenny looked doubtful, but didn"t protest. That meant that she had concluded that the giant a.s.s was not dangerous to ride. So he helped her mount, and then climbed on behind her, and Sherlock climbed on behind him. There was generous room for all three, as well as Sammy Cat in front of Jenny.
The a.s.s started off. "Hee haw! I have nine tales, of course," he said. He flicked up the first of his tails. "First I will tell you about the Deadly Night Shade and the Kith of Death. It seemed that a certain shade of the night was lonely, having no kithing kin. So he decided that n.o.body else should have kithing cousins either. He became the deadliest night shade of all."
At first Dug found the tale interesting. But after a while it palled, because the a.s.s was great on de-tail but not on plot. He told how the shade killed one cousin after another, using his deadly kiss, until all the kith were dead. There it ended. There was no resolution and no justice, just continuous killing. Dug realized that the a.s.s"s memory was a good deal better than his originality. Yet he realized that he had seen many similar stories on TV back in Mundania.
"Then there is the tale of Rubella and the Fool Moon," the a.s.s continued as soon as the first story expired in dullness. He told how Rubella kept fooling the moon, adding a measly pockmark on the moon"s face each time. After an hour or so of the narration, the moon"s whole face was pocked and cratered, but the moon was too foolish to learn how to stop Rubella. Again, there was no point; it was just one pock after another.
Then there was the tale of the Fait Accompli and the DeOgreant. Fait set out to weaken the ogres by eliminating their powerful smell. She used a special roll-on gunk to deogreize each ogre in turn, until no ogre had a strong smell. Unfortunately she accomplished nothing, because the ogres remained horribly strong and still crunched bones at a great rate. The bulk of the tale was concerned with a description of each of a hundred or so ogres Fait dealt with.
Then there was the tale of Michael Velli and the Crow Bar. Michael set out with devious cunning and no ethics to ruin the crows" favorite hangout: a bar where they could drink themselves silly on com squeezings. He did this by informing each crow separately that the bar was closed. When, after another hour of narration, he had told each of about three hundred crows this, the bar was indeed closed for lack of patronage. Michael was very pleased with his connivance.
Dug wasn"t. He was lulled to sleep by the dullness of the tales, while the huge a.s.s plodded on.
He woke amidst the tale of Mother Hen and her sons Vim and Vigor. Exactly what kind of a trial these c.o.c.ky youngsters were to Ms. Hen he was never to learn, because he realized that they were approaching a castle. The party had arrived, thank goodness.
"The Good Magician"s castle!" he exclaimed, waking Jenny, Sammy, and Sherlock, who it seemed had been just as bored as he with the endless tales. They slid down to the ground, flexing the dullness out of their legs.
"No, this is Castle Roogna," the a.s.s said, surprised, flicking several tails.
"So it is!" Jenny said, recognizing it. "There"s the orchard and the zombie graveyard."
"But we were supposed to go to the Good Magician"s castle," Dug protested.
"By no means," the a.s.s demurred. "I was going to Castle Roogna."
"But you agreed to take us to the Good Magician"s castle!" Dug was adding annoyance to his confusion.
"Hee haw! You asked could I take you there, and I agreed I could. I did not say I would, and you did not ask me to. So I came here."
Dug realized that he had been had by the a.s.s. There had been no definite commitment. It had been, as it were, a handshake agreement, not worth the paper it was written on. And the a.s.s had told them such continuously dull tales that all three of them had fallen asleep and been unable to correct the route when it went wrong. Jenny Elf would have recognized the wrong direction, and acted to correct it. Certainly Sammy Cat could have found the way to the right castle, had he too not been lulled into sleep. But n.o.body could have remained awake for the whole of that barrage of asinine tales. Dug felt like a fool moon, and a real country rubella, being the victim of this fait accompli.
The Demoness Metria appeared. "Oh, too bad," she said silkily. "I see that your Companion has let you down, and allowed you to be delivered to the wrong castle. How unfortunate, when you could so readily have had a more competent Companion." She inhaled again, allowing her full blouse to turn translucent, not far from Dug"s face.
"Hee haw haw!" the a.s.s brayed gustily.
Jenny looked as if she were about to speak a word not properly in the Juvenile Lexicon. Dug saved her the trouble by taking action he knew he would regret. He swung a fist at the demoness" face.
Naturally his hand pa.s.sed right through Metria"s head without resistance. Then she stepped into him and planted a too, too solid kiss on his mouth. Then she faded into smoke and drifted away on the nearest vagrant breeze. She had had her revenge.
Dug realized that he had lost this challenge. Fortunately it had not been a game challenge, just the mischief of a jealous fantasy female. There was no point in belaboring it; he"d just have to get back on track and get where he was going. And hope he wasn"t too late.
"What"s the fastest way to the Good Magician"s castle?" he asked.
"Be sensible, man," Sherlock said. "She"s there already. You need to figure out where she"s going from there."
"He"s right," Jenny said. "And the best place to ask is Castle Roogna."
"You figure the king will know?"
"Oh, we shouldn"t bother King Dor about this," Jenny said. "I was thinking-well, I can"t say right now, but maybe it will work out."
Dug looked at her curiously. "You can"t say what you expect to happen?"
She fidgeted. "It"s a special situation. I"m doing my best, really I am."
Dug looked at Sherlock, who shrugged. There was no question that Jenny meant well, but was she competent? Dug couldn"t see how this could concern the dread Adult Conspiracy she was so concerned about, and couldn"t think of any other reason for her to be evasive. But if she did have a worthwhile notion, he needed it. "Okay. Lead the way."
Jenny gladly obliged. She led them by a.s.sorted fruit trees to the moat, where the huge horrendous moat monster eyed them. "Souffle!" Jenny exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
The monster hissed.
"Oh, you"re here to baby-sit the twins? Where"s Electra?"
The monster hissed again.
"Oh, she and Dolph are off visiting the Isle of View? What would they be doing there?"
"You know he can"t tell you that!" Sherlock said.
Jenny was abashed. "That"s right, he can"t!" She faced the monster again. "This is Dug, who is a Player in the game, and this is Sherlock, of the Black Wave. They"re friends."
Souffle Serpent nodded and swam back across the moat. Jenny led the way over the drawbridge. Dug wondered whether she had made up the dialogue with the monster, who had perhaps recognized her by smell and accepted her.
Then he saw two little children, hardly more than babies, in pink ba.s.sinets at the edge of the moat. The monster was indeed watching them.
"But is that safe?" he asked. "That monster could gulp them down in an instant."
"As safe as anywhere," Jenny said. "n.o.body will bother them with Souffle on guard. They like him, and he likes them. He hasn"t had much chance to play with royal children recently."
Dug could appreciate why not. "I gather that Electra is their mother? Who is she? I seem to remember you saying something about blue jeans on a princess."
"Princess Electra is Prince Dolph"s wife. She was caught by a curse meant for a princess and slept for much of a thousand years until Prince Dolph kissed her awake. Now she is a princess, so maybe the curse knew what it was doing. The twins are Dawn and Eve. When they get old enough to talk, Dawn will be able to tell anything about any living thing, and Eve will be able to tell anything about any inanimate thing."
"Those are good talents," Dug said.
"Yes, they are Magician-cla.s.s talents. Such magic runs in the royal line."
They came to the main door. It was open. Dug wondered at this easy access to the leading castle of the land. But with a moat monster on guard, maybe it made sense.
A young woman appeared. She had jade-green hair and aqua-green eyes. "Hi, Ivy," Jenny said.
"I"m Ida," the woman said.
"Oh, I keep confusing you two!" Jenny turned to the others. "This is Dug, who is in the game; I"m his Companion. This is Sherlock, who is a member of the Black Wave." Then, after a pause: "This is Princess Ida, Ivy"s twin sister."
Dug was taken aback. He didn"t know what to say to a princess. Fortunately Sherlock did. "Nice to meet you, Princess. We met Princess Nada Naga before."
Dug realized that he hadn"t thought of Nada that way, despite being frustrated by her princessly liabilities. Why should he be abashed here, when he hadn"t been with Nada?
"Oh, yes, she and Ivy are best friends," Ida said brightly. "I am here to learn the ways of princesses, because I didn"t know I was one, until recently. What are you here for, Sherlock?"
"I"m looking for a place for my people to settle. I figure there"s bound to be somewhere where we"re needed."
"Oh, I"m sure there is," Ida agreed brightly. She turned to Dug. "I did not know that Castle Roogna was partic.i.p.ating in the game. Why did you come here?"
"I was an a.s.s," Dug said. "I mean, I let an a.s.s fool me into going to the wrong place. Now I just have to believe that there is some way to do what I have to do."
"Oh, I"m sure there is," Ida said, exactly as she had with Sherlock. She seemed to be a very positive person.
"That"s wonderful!" Jenny exclaimed.
Dug and Sherlock looked at her. "It"s wonderful that the Princess is being polite to us?" Dug asked.
"Oh, princesses are always polite," Ida said. "She means that she"s glad that both of you will succeed in your quests."
"No offense. Princess, but how can you know that?" Sherlock inquired.
"It is my talent," Ida explained. "The Idea. When I have an idea, it comes true. But it has to originate with someone who doesn"t know my talent. Neither of you knew."
"You mean that just our telling you our hopes will make them come true?" Dug asked doubtfully.
"That"s the way I hoped it would be," Jenny said. "Now we"ll just have to see how these things happen."
Sherlock glanced at Dug. "This as weird to you as it is to me?"
"At least," Dug said. "I didn"t even say what it is I have to do. It"s not winning the game, it"s warning Kim in time. And I still don"t know how to reach her. But I guess there"s a way."
"There is; I"m sure of it," Ida said. "But come in; I didn"t mean to keep you standing here." She turned and led the way into the interior.
Dug wondered whether things were really as positive as others chose to believe. But this was a magic land, so maybe things were magically positive.
They came to a central chamber where a man was sitting. He stood as they entered. "Ah, these must be the folk I am looking for," he said, smiling.
"I"m sure they are," Princess Ida agreed.
Sherlock seized the moment. "If you"re looking for neighbors-"
"As a matter of fact, we are," the man said. "We would like several hundred men, women, and children to colonize the fringe of Lake Ogre-Chobee and keep it civilized. We are too busy with our plays to take proper time with it. But most other Xanthians are too busy with their own pursuits to tackle a ch.o.r.e like that." He paused. "I"m Curtis Curse Friend, here on a recruiting mission."
"The Curse Fiends-uh, Friends are all right," Jenny murmured. "They have a long history."
The man glanced at her. "So do the elves. But I never before saw one your size."
"Do you care about the color of those men, women, and children?" Sherlock inquired cautiously.
"Of course. We prefer that they not be green, because they would get lost in the vegetation as well as getting confused with the chobees swimming in the lake."
"Well, we have several hundred black people up in the isthmus who are looking for a home. But it"s quite a journey this far, what with the Gap Chasm and all, and I believe Lake Ogre-Chobee is farther south. It could take some time for them to get there."
"Do you care about cursing?"
Sherlock looked at him sidelong. "Do you curse without cause?"
"Only to protect ourselves, or to clear rubbish." Curtis paused. "I trust you realize that we are talking about explosive magical curses, not harpy talk."
"Right. No fowl language. We feel about curses the way we do about arrows: we don"t want them hurled at us from ambush. We just want to mind our business and get along with our neighbors."
"We have a way for you to travel," Curtis said. "We have some magic bubble jars we traded for. Each bubble will hold one large person, or two small ones, and will float safely to the destination named for it. It would take about one day for a string of bubbles to cross Xanth."