"s.h.i.t. s.h.i.t. I"m sorry!"
Lacey laughs. "Why are you sorry? She just turned two, Sarah. She gets into everything. Boxes, bags, purses, shoes. Whatever she can find."
"I"m headed now to put her down for the night anyway." Hayden squeezes Liv, causing her to giggle, and then bends to kiss Lacey"s head before turning to walk away from the table. When he reaches where Ace is sitting, he stops and whispers, "She"s an adult now, Ace. Calm down, friend."
Ace doesn"t answer; the disgusted look he has aimed at Devon could cut gla.s.s and already says what he"s not voicing.
Ellie, noticing my confusion, leans in and says, "Birth control pills."
f.u.c.k me. I internally agree with Ace.
I train my eyes at Ace as he continues staring at Devon, then at Hayden as he stands bouncing Liv in his arms. Hayden gives me a mild smirk, then turns around and walks away.
Devon takes Hayden"s chair next to Lacey, and Sarah ends up in the seat between Marlee and me.
Throughout the next hour, I can"t help but think about those pills and what they mean in reference to her current relationship.
Every few minutes, I allow myself to glance quickly over at Sarah, sitting at my side, and watch her face animate in excitement as she talks to any of us she"s known for so long. However, when Devon addresses her, in any way, she doesn"t show the same enthusiasm. Either he"s p.i.s.sed her off, bored her to death, or mistreated her in some way. If the latter applies, I"ll have no problem wading in and tearing him apart. I"ll always be that way with her, whether we"re together or not.
"Are you gonna play those cards, Trav? Or just keep drinking until the game"s over for you because you"re about to lose?" Sarah asks, smiling as she puts me on the spot.
"I"m gonna keep drinkin,"" I answer, setting my cards down and lifting my beer to my mouth. She watches carefully as I take a drink, my eyes never leaving hers.
"Are you in a mood?" she asks, loudly enough that the table quiets for my response.
"To drink, yes. To listen to you nag, no."
She turns in her chair, leaning closer to me, and I hear Lacey gasp in what I deem is nervousness. "I don"t nag."
"Guys?" Rae interrupts, waving her full hand of UNO cards in the air. "Are we still playing? It"s Trav"s turn."
"Just a minute." I hold my finger up and mimic Sarah"s position, leaning in to her as she backs up slightly. I feel Ace"s eyes on me, and then look to Rae whose face is blank, her mouth slightly open as if she wants to say something.
I don"t stop. Instead, I say, "You don"t always nag me, but when you do it makes me want to drink. So, there it is. I"m in the mood to drink."
"Jesus Christ, you two just f.u.c.kin" stop already." Ace"s voice hits the walls and causes me to pull back. If he understood why she truly bothered me, more than his voice would hit the walls.
"Whatever," Sarah adds as she turns in her seat and focuses on her hand of cards. She looks up quickly at Devon and doesn"t say anything else.
"Yeah. Whatever," I return, feeling Ellie"s hand on my thigh squeeze gently. I don"t need her to calm me. I"m frustrated, but she can"t do anything about my reasons for being so. My thoughts are scattered and I"d love nothing more than for Devon to get up and make his way out, possibly taking Ellie with him.
Sarah stands after the latest round of cards have been played. "I need to use the restroom."
Using his practiced and feigned manners, Devon stands as she does.
p.u.s.s.y.
Sarah moves to turn around, but looks down at me briefly and then at Ellie"s hand that I hadn"t noticed was still on my thigh. Her eyes narrow and she uses my shoulder to push off the chair behind her.
Once Sarah"s gone, I look at Raegan, whose eyes are questioning. Lacey"s staring at me in wonder as well. Marlee"s eyebrows are raised and Ace"s face is blank.
f.u.c.k.
"Anyone need another drink?" I ask, standing and clearing a few of the empty bottles. I don"t wait for a response before looking to my sister. "Lace, where"re Hayden and Liv?"
"Her room, why?"
"Need to use your other restroom. Your bedroom has one, right?"
"Yeah, it"s a mess "cause I"m not cleaning it "til Hayden helps, but ignore that and it"s yours."
"Thanks."
Sarah After dinner, Devon and I agreed to stop in and see what everyone was doing. I knew I was missing game night, which was fine, but I hadn"t expected Ellie to be in attendance. I definitely hadn"t expected her to be sitting so close to Trav and making herself comfortable with the group.
I"m not p.i.s.sed at her. It"s not her fault, and I won"t make s.h.i.t awkward. I don"t like it, though.
Pa.s.sing Liv"s room on the way out of the bathroom, I hear Hayden"s voice in a whispered lullaby. My skin pebbles in reaction to his raspy tone, recognizing once again the sweet love he has for his daughter. I head in that direction, not intending to intrude, but only listen.
The words from Billy Joel"s "Lullaby" force me to close my eyes and enjoy their meaning. I"ve never had a father who wanted to hold and sing to me. I never had a father. I had Ace and he certainly wasn"t soft and caring; sure as f.u.c.k nothing like Hayden.
He continues the song toward its end, so I peek around the door and find him sitting in a wooden rocking chair in the corner and staring down at Liv"s back as he adjusts her yellow pajama top. Her face is angelic as she continues to suck the pacifier in her sleep.
When Hayden looks up and finds me leaning against the door with my arms wrapped across my middle he smiles, and whispers, "She"s out."
"She should be," I whisper. "My purse takes a lot out of anyone, and she reached into its depths to embarra.s.s me."
"That"ll teach you."
"Rae would love to hear you sing Billy Joel to Liv."
"Yeah, she"d ask that I sing it to her."
"Yeah, and you so would."
His nose scrunches, but it"s a lie. He"d sing anything if asked enough times.
"Are you going to put her in her crib?" I ask. Liv"s sound asleep but he continues rocking her as if she"s not.
"Nope," he returns quickly. "This is our time."
"Hayden," I reply meaningfully, insinuating Lacey wouldn"t be happy about spoiling her in her sleep.
Hayden nods to the daybed set up across the room. It poses as a couch but I"m sure he"s spent many nights sleeping in here with her. "Sit."
"Are you sure? I don"t want to. . . ."
He sighs. "Sarah, you can sit."
I move from the door and take a seat across from him. Neither of us says anything as he continues to admire his daughter.
"I love being a dad," he admits with a smile, keeping his voice low so as to not wake her. "I love being a husband," he adds, still smirking.
"It looks good on you."
"Well, yeah. Of course it does."
"a.s.s," I say it before realizing I"m cursing in front of a small child. I move my hands to my mouth to cover my already-spoken offense.
Hayden smirks. "It"s fine. She"s not talking enough to repeat anything . . . yet."
"Sorry," I apologize anyway.
"So, Devon." He marks this as a statement, prodding for intel on my relationship.
I"ve always been able to talk to Hayden. He"s calm and collected, rarely ever displaying an angry or bitter emotion toward anyone. When Hayden accidentally found out his mother committed suicide and it was his own father who kept this from him, it could have changed who he was, but it didn"t. Hayden values all of us even more because of his life experiences and what those events did for him, not to him.
"Do you like him?" I ask, curiously.
"I don"t know him well enough. None of us do. He doesn"t come around a lot."
"He"s nice."
Hayden hesitates before replying, "That"s what matters."
"You don"t see me with him, do you?"
Hayden pauses, smiles, then answers with a knowing whisper, "No."
I roll my eyes and look at the ceiling, leaning back in the bed. "Travis doesn"t like him."
"Travis worries."
"He shouldn"t."
"We all worry," he returns quickly. "But, you seem to be doing well."
"Thank you."
"I know it"s hard and you still miss Bean," he starts, but I interrupt.
"I don"t know how to stop."
"You"ll figure it out," he tells me with care. "Things have a way of working out."
"Maybe," I answer then ask, "Are you coming back out there or are you staying in here with her?"
"I"m going to hang in here for a while," he states as he nods to the door.
I thought this was his way of asking me to leave, but when I turn and look at the door I see Travis"s large frame standing in it. He doesn"t say anything but his eyes stay on me as I get up and move toward him.
Turning around, I mention to Hayden, "I"ll tell Lacey you"re still trying to get her to sleep."
Hayden smiles and tells me, "You can tell her that, but she won"t believe you."
"I"ll keep her busy then. Enjoy your time with Liv while you can."
"Thank you," he whispers, kissing the crown of Liv"s small head.
Walking past Travis in the tight s.p.a.ce of the doorway, I turn around and he follows me. He catches a hold of my wrist, so I stop to face him. His eyes are angry, his stance is rigid, and his face is tight.
I move to release the hold on my wrist, but he doesn"t allow it. Instead, he opens a door and pulls me into the room next to Liv"s. He shuts the door quickly and walks into me, forcing my back against it. It"s dark except for the light from outside the window shining through the curtains. I can"t see his face in the shadows, but he can see mine.
"Trav?" I call his name to test his patience and mood.
He doesn"t answer; he only continues standing in front of me, unmoving. There"s no physical contact, but the room is thick with angry tension.
"Travis?" I prod again, this time louder.
"He doesn"t need to be here."
Knowing whom he"s talking about, I stall and pretend I"m trying to confirm. "Devon?"
"Yes."
"He hasn"t done anything to you."
He laughs s.a.d.i.s.tically. "If he"s been touching you, he"s done f.u.c.kin" plenty."
"You"re being ridiculous."
His hand comes up from his side and he uses it to frame my face. He holds my cheek and he uses his thumb to trace my bottom lip gently. I close my eyes to avoid his close proximity and to hear his question with undeniable certainty. "What do I have to do to make you want to be with me, Sarah?"
"Don"t start this here," I say, although I know he"s not listening.
"I can"t get you to talk about it anywhere."
"Travis-" I don"t get far before he"s back at me again.
"Tell me you don"t feel anything. Lie to me at least."
"You"re drinking," I accuse, but I know it doesn"t matter. He"d say the same thing if he were sober.
"Lie to me," he requests again.
"I"m sorry," I tell him, truly feeling a heavy regret for hurting him the way I apparently have. "I never wanted to hurt you."