Lacey moved toward me after looking back at Hayden standing near the front door, holding Liv in his arms. "Travis," she called out. "I"m here if you need to talk."
I hugged her, pulled away, and looked down into her shining eyes. Her expression mirrored the others." She hadn"t known Bean as long as the rest of us, but she knew how her death was going to affect us all, namely Sarah.
"Go on and get out of here. I"ll call you later."
She nodded, walked to Hayden, and looked back at me standing in my living room alone. Hayden"s eyes looked reflective, thoughtful, but also worried. He nodded once before turning around and walking out with his family.
Understandably, Sarah hadn"t been the same since Bean died just days before. She"d been distant, quiet, and hadn"t wanted anything to do with any of us. Rae"s son, Decklan, even tried but couldn"t cheer her up.
After the funeral, while we were accepting sympathy from Bean"s friends, Pastor Sheldon pulled Ace aside and handed him two white envelopes. One was marked for Ace and the other for Sarah. When Sarah saw what Ace was holding, the realization hit again and I held her next to me without saying a word. It was the support she needed at the time to keep herself together.
It was as though Bean"s letters to each of them were the final pieces to the sad puzzle Sarah was still struggling to put together.
Bean wasn"t ever going to make her way back.
When I got the news of Bean"s pa.s.sing, I dropped the phone and fell to my knees in my own solitary anguish. Luckily, I had been home alone that morning. It was the first time since my father had been killed that I allowed myself to succ.u.mb to a sadness I had hoped to never feel again.
Bean was a mother to me. She was a nurturer by nature, but further, her interfering presence was what had held our group together since we met as kids. She was a strong, all-knowing, ever-present force in our lives and I knew without her guidance and understanding everything was about to change.
In many ways, it already had.
On the way home from the church, Sarah had clutched the envelope to her chest and stared blankly out the window to the road ahead. She said nothing as we pulled into my apartment complex; also saying nothing as we made our way inside. She walked into my bedroom, not waiting for the others to get there, and hadn"t been out to say goodbye. Ace and Rae tried to talk to her, but they were quickly dismissed. Sarah"s devastation was evident; she was drowning in a sea of grief that no one could rescue her from.
The matriarch of our family was gone. Her spirit remained, but none of us could feel its presence yet.
Locking the front door after the others filed out, I turned back into the apartment and exhaled a sad breath. Our friends all shared their lives with someone and had an anchor to help shoulder their grief; someone they could lean on for support. Sarah and I were lucky to have each other.
I walked aimlessly through my apartment until I heard Sarah"s heavy sobs coming from my room. After taking a few pulls of a much-needed beer, I removed my tie, carelessly tossing it on the kitchen counter, and made my way to her.
Once there, I found Sarah sitting on my bed, still clutching Bean"s letter to her chest. From the doorway I could see her face was red and her makeup was smudged. She hadn"t changed out of the black dress she"d worn to the service, but her shoes were lying on the floor next to her.
"Sarah?" I called her name, hoping she"d respond.
She didn"t.
After approaching her, I took a seat on the edge of the bed and draped my arm across her legs, leaning toward her. Her long hair had been taken out of the braid she"d worn it in and it hung over her shoulders. Her legs were crossed and she was staring down at the pillow she had placed on her lap. I pulled it away and her face turned to mine; her cornflower-blue eyes were drowning in sadness.
"Sarah," I said her name again and immediately, more tears filled her eyes.
"I want her back," she stated robotically, as though asking me to pick Bean up from wherever she was and bring her back to her.
In that moment, I"d have given my own life to make that happen.
"I know," I answered, moving the hair that had fallen into her eyes. She blinked at the contact, but then quickly looked away.
Never allowing her to hide from me, I used my fingers to force her head up so she"d concentrate on my words. "Tell me how to help you. Tell me what I can do to make this easier."
My gesture held no meaning at the time, but it was all I could think to offer.
"I want her back," she whispered again and grabbed my wrist, holding so tightly her fingertips turned white. "It"s not fair, Travis!" she sobbed. "She was getting better."
She hadn"t been, but I didn"t have the heart to tell Sarah that. I felt my throat start to close and my eyes began to burn. Seeing Sarah in such emotional torment was heartbreaking enough, but knowing I couldn"t take away any of her pain was emotionally devastating.
I had accepted, during Bean"s illness, the role of helping Sarah through it. Many days were spent holding her as she felt the burden of possibly living a life without her best friend in it. I already knew the devastating loss of a loved one, and I wanted so badly to ease Sarah through the loss of hers.
When Sarah wasn"t with me, which was rare, I ached to be near her to ensure she was okay. She was only a phone call away, but unless she was in my presence, I felt a mix of anxiety and concern. I wanted to be by her side every waking moment.
Sarah stared at me, her mouth forming a frown, and grabbed the hand I had let drop from her face. She studied my palm and ran her fingers carefully over the lines there.
"She loved you," she told me.
"I loved her."
"She hated that I drove you crazy. She used to tell me that I abused you."
"You do," I answered, then watched hopefully as a spark of life lit up her eyes.
She smiled without sentiment and focused on my hand, held in both of hers.
"Are you going to read her letter?" I asked.
"No." It was painfully evident her mind was made up.
I released my hand from hers and grabbed the envelope, placing it on her lap. "Read it, Sarah. She has something to say." She looked at me hesitantly, so I kept trying to convince her. "It hurts. I get that, but do it for her. You need her now and she"s right here. Let her help the only way she can."
Sarah played with the opening at the top of the envelope and her thumb hesitantly inched underneath its corner.
She stopped, looked up at me with eyes swimming in tears, and released the letter. She grabbed me around the neck and pulled me to her. Her sobs weren"t going to be denied; she couldn"t hold them in any longer.
"I"ll help you through this. You"ve got to let me do that," I said, not knowing what else to say.
What did you say to a person who was so overwhelmed and enveloped in grief? How did you comfort their spirit when yours was broken?
She sobbed into my neck and held me tighter. "I miss her, Travis."
Grabbing her shoulders and pulling her from me, I looked into her eyes, determined not to let sadness reflect in my own.
She saw through me as she always did. "You miss her too," she noted.
"Yes," I answered, looking down and holding her hand in mine. "I"ll always miss her." I brought her hand to my lips and kissed her palm gently. "She meant a lot to me. She helped me when I lost my dad, remember? She told me life was movin" on whether I wanted it to or not, and if I didn"t pay attention I was going to miss too much of it."
Giving a small smile, Sarah returned, "G.o.d, she would say that."
"She was her own person, that"s for sure. You"re a lot like her," I voiced quietly. "She"d wait for you to read it, Sarah, but don"t make her wait long."
After studying me for a few seconds, Sarah grabbed the envelope and opened it. She pulled the paper out and unfolded Bean"s words, meant only for her. Drops of tears. .h.i.t the note before she began reading the words to me.
Sarah, How do I say goodbye to my best friend?
Sarah dropped the letter and quickly moved herself into my lap, burying her face in my neck. I repositioned us so I was able to bear her weight. I leaned against my headboard and rocked her softly, as I had done countless times in the days before.
Once her sobs subsided, she sat up in my lap and stared into my eyes. The look she gave me was unrecognizable. I couldn"t place it. I"d known Sarah for so long, but I wasn"t looking into a part of her I"d ever truly seen before.
The last few years, when I wasn"t looking, and while I was protecting her body and caring for her heart, Sarah had grown into her own beautiful woman.
The same woman, months before, Bean had given me her blessing to have.
The Sarah I remembered from her childhood was gone. Her face, although still beautiful, no longer held the same marks of adolescence. Her body, now having curves in places a woman"s body should, had forgotten its once awkward posture. Her hair, although still blonde in color, had darkened with age. Even her voice had changed.
Sarah was still every bit of who she used to be, but now, to me, she was so much more.
Leaning in, Sarah kissed my lips gently. I froze in place and felt her hand make its way into my hair; the other moved to my face to hold me still. It was a pointless gesture; I wasn"t moving. She continued softly kissing my lips, moving to my chin, then my neck. I still couldn"t move. The moment was fragile; it was also tense and wary.
When her face came back to mine, all evidence of her tears and sadness were gone. Her mouth was open slightly as she searched my eyes and licked her lips before leaning into me again. I felt her tongue against my own and before I was able to stop myself, I was holding the back of her head in my hand and kissing her with a desperation I didn"t want to consider.
This is Sarah.
She"s always been mine, my heart acknowledged.
I already loved her. She was familiar to me in a way no other woman was.
Once the kiss became breathless, Sarah pulled away and looked up at me. Her eyes were shining, but not in sadness. She was contemplating something, calculating odds and carefully deliberating her next move. I"d known her long enough to recognize when she was up to something.
Sarah released me and stood. Her body was trembling, and fighting to stay still. As Sarah moved her hands behind her back, I heard the zipper of her short, black dress being taken down. I blinked once, then twice, as she continued.
I positioned myself on the edge of the bed, never breaking eye contact, and rested my feet to the floor. I watched as the dress fell and pooled at her ankles, leaving her in a black lace bra and matching thong.
After a few seconds of contemplation, I stood and rested my hands on her bare shoulders. Her skin, so soft and warm, churned my insides with the dawning knowledge of what I wanted.
I wanted Sarah, this woman who knew and understood me so well. She knew my heart because I had spent years trying to protect hers. She understood my love for her without needing any reminders of it.
My war, the war I"d been waging inside since I kissed her the night of Hayden"s wedding, was over in that second.
I"d been denying my thoughts, feelings, and body"s reaction to her when she was in my presence. I"d been telling myself this was Sarah. She was too young and too innocent to be with someone like me. Although Sarah was one of the strongest people I"d ever known, I"d convinced myself I"d eventually ruin her.
But there, in that moment, I watched as she gazed at me and we each sensed what was already bound to happen. Without being nervous of what the others would think, without caring about what tomorrow would bring, we were determined to share something we hadn"t before.
And we did.
Pulling her in to my body, I wrapped my arms around her and lifted her up carefully as I carried her toward to the bed. Her mouth found my lips and her tongue searched for mine. Laying her down and blanketing her with my body, I let my hands explore her with a desperation I couldn"t control. Her thighs, her waist, her lace-covered chest, all had a turn, and in reaction she bit my lower lip, signaling she felt what I did.
An all-consuming need; offered by chance and led by certainty.
"Is this what you want?" I asked, waiting to hear her refuse me.
She didn"t.
Instead, she nodded her head as it lay on the pillow. I reached down between us and my fingers tore through the center of her thong, giving me access to the only part of her I"d never had.
Sitting up slightly, Sarah unclasped her bra, removing it and exposing her bare chest to me. Her hands reached for my dress shirt and opened each b.u.t.ton, one after the other. Before removing it, she untucked the hem, tore it from my body, and tossed it haphazardly to the floor. Her fingers quickly released my belt, then the b.u.t.ton of my pants, but she didn"t move to take them off. Instead, she reached in and greedily grabbed my hard c.o.c.k.
Feeling her run her fingers over it, I closed my eyes. She gripped my shaft tightly. Her head bent to kiss my neck and I thrust myself into her palm, unable to keep control.
Bending down, I licked her nipple and pulled it into my mouth, forcing her to release me. She gasped as I trailed soft, subtle kisses down her stomach and to each of her hips.
"I"ve wanted you, Sarah. For so f.u.c.king long," I whispered, unsure if I was talking to her or myself. "You"re beautiful," I whispered again, running my finger through her core and letting it hover gently over her c.l.i.t.
Her hips lifted, searching for deeper contact.
"No, Sarah," I said kissing the center of her toned stomach. "Let me enjoy your body the way I"ve thought of doing for so long."
Looking up at her, I found her head raised and her eyes staring down at me. Her shy smile, exposing her inexperience, increased my urge to care for her. Knowing she"d only been with one man, and he"d treated her as a wh.o.r.e afterward, I wanted to show her what making love to someone you cared about could feel like.
I knew even then I wanted her to love me.
"Lie back," I told her.
She did what I asked and rested her head on the pillow while I caressed her inner thigh, her abdomen, and the swell underneath her breast. Finally close enough to study her features, I found her eyes ignited with l.u.s.t.
Sarah was giving herself to me.
Kissing her cheeks, one after the other, I whispered, "Trust me to take care of you."
As I continued to use my hands to explore her body, our breathing became labored, and I took her mouth with mine. The kiss became aggressive, so I reached above her and pulled her hair from her nape, inching my lips down to sink my teeth into the warm flesh below her ear.
I pulled up as my other hand sought her warmth, and before I pushed my fingers inside her, I whispered, "Finish undressing me."
She did what I told her. Bending her body under me slightly, I gave her enough s.p.a.ce so the clothes could be removed and added to the collection that lay on the floor. Before she was able to lie back down completely, I lifted her a.s.s and removed what was left of her thong, leaving her completely bare and exposed.
Once I had her settled back underneath me, my hands grabbed her thighs, spreading them open before I slid into her. She gasped, both from my invasion and the acceptance of my weight on top of her.
With great restraint, I waited for her body to accept mine before pulling out slowly and pushing back in.
"Travis," she whispered. Her hand came up and ran through my hair, before pulling at it carefully. "Help me forget how much I hurt."
Once those words were spoken, not only didn"t I slow, I pushed her further. As I pushed, she pulled. We allowed ourselves time to explore the pleasure we were giving each other.
"Christ, you feel good," I nearly hissed through my teeth while losing my breath. I felt her warmth grasp me as I continued thrusting into her. "So f.u.c.king good, Sarah."
She tensed under me, and I sensed her release was already close. My hands, which were bracing on either side of her head, moved to her a.s.s and tilted it, offering me deeper penetration. The sync of our movements, the sounds of our labored breathing, and desperation of our release acted as the catalyst to what we both felt coming.
"Don"t f.u.c.kin" finish without me. Take me with you."
To her credit, she tried to relax. Her eyes closed and she inhaled, holding it as long as she could before I felt her body tighten around mine from inside.
"When you"re ready, take it," I whispered harshly in her ear. "Let me feel you, baby."
"I can"t stop. . . ."