Your antics kept us young.
Through more tears, I laugh out loud. No one"s around to hear me, so the sound of my voice echoes in my chest. "You were just as crazy, Bean." I swallow hard and whisper what I hope she already knew. "You were my best friend, too."
As you started to become a woman, you weren"t given the chance to thrive as you should have. My body became old and tired as it inevitably would have. With great regret, I knew I was holding you back.
It"s time you finish what you"ve started so you can become who you"re supposed to be.
Stay off your phone, Sarah. Talk to the people in your life as you know you should. Rather than hiding behind a screen, share pieces of yourself you"ve always been afraid for others to see. Trust them to love you and they will.
Watch your mouth. Beautiful girls don"t need to get the kind of attention dirty words bring with them.
Turn the television off. You don"t need characters on a television set to give you what you"ll miss if you don"t, which is your own happily ever after.
I just got lectured and she"s not even here to let me respond. Shaking my head at her, I frown. "I did spend too much time on my phone when you were here, Bean. I"m sorry." My frown doesn"t stick around long. "But, you watched as much TV as I did," I accuse.
Be nice to Ace. He"s tried so hard to love you and he has, but it was always when you weren"t looking. Until you make your own, he"s what"s left of your family.
"If he"d quit being an a.s.s, I"d be nicer."
Speaking of family. . . .
"f.u.c.k."
Make sweet little ones so I can watch them grow up from wherever I"m headed. Shower them with the love you once had for me. The pain of me leaving will pa.s.s soon enough and you"ll have all that much extra to give away. There"s nothing more rewarding than receiving the unconditional love a child can give.
I should know, it"s what you always gave to me.
The tears are coming down again. It"s a lost effort to try and remove them. Grabbing a Kleenex from the nightstand, I reply to her as if she"s still here. "The pain from you leaving hasn"t pa.s.sed yet, Bean. It"s gotten easier, but it"s not gone. I miss you so f.u.c.king much."
Above all, Sarah, follow your heart. The mind creates doubt and insecurities and when it does it causes us to question who and what we"re truly meant to see. Oftentimes it makes us blind to what"s been right in front of us the entire time.
And he"s been in front of you this entire time. Don"t let him wander lost for too much longer, honey. Find him. He needs you, too.
My eyes close tightly. Travis told me Bean gave him her blessing. She was up to something before she died and I missed it. "s.h.i.t, Bean. Are you enjoying this? I bet you are."
I love you so much and I"m sorry I"m not there to help you through your devastation, but maybe knowing I"m still with you in spirit will ease your grief and help you get through it a little easier.
I"m never far away.
All my love, Bean My thumb circles her signature at the bottom. My chest, although feeling heavy, doesn"t ache with the desperation it once did. "I love you so so much. Thank you for everything."
The one-sided conversation I"ve been having with Bean is interrupted by a soft knock at the door. Travis doesn"t wait for me to answer, but cracks the door and sticks his head through.
His eyebrows rise before he asks, "You good?"
"Yes."
"Just checkin,"" he informs before withdrawing and closing the door quietly behind him.
"He"s impossible, Bean. I can"t believe you were plotting! From your hospital bed too, for goodness" sake!"
Folding the letter and putting it back in the envelope, my eyes look at my name written with her shaky little hand. "I"ll give you babies if you want "em, but I"ll warn you now-these little babies are going to be part Travis and part me. I don"t think Ace will survive them."
I laugh as I get off the bed. I grab the door handle but it"s pushed open before I have a chance to open it.
Travis stands on the other side. He never moved. When he looks up from the floor, he smiles-a full smile that he rarely lets others see. "You look better than I thought you would."
"I feel better than I thought I would," I tell him. I smacking the envelope to his chest and he catches it as I explain, "Ya know, if I"d picked Devon over you, this letter would be a little awkward to read."
Grabbing my wrist, pinning it against his chest, he answers, "If you"d just read the f.u.c.kin" letter it would"ve saved me a f.u.c.k load of headaches. Her too, probably, considering you know she"s watchin.""
"Didn"t think that through, did I?"
"Do you ever?"
Shaking my head, I agree with him. "So, you and Bean conspired before she died? When and where was I?"
"Correction, Bean conspired. I was just dragged into it. I don"t know where you were but she trapped me. I couldn"t tell her no; I never could."
"Do you think she"s happy right now?"
He grabs me around the shoulders; my hands grab his waist and hold on tight. "Yes, Sarah. I think she"s over the f.u.c.kin" moon right now. All her kids are grown up and happy."
"She wants babies for her to watch."
"Christ."
"I imagine she probably wants a few."
"Jesus."
"Yeah. I gotta find the right guy," I jest.
"You probably should."
"Wonder how long Hayden and Lacey plan to be married."
"Wonder how long it"ll take you to figure out when to stop sayin" s.h.i.t like that."
"I"ll stop now."
"Thank f.u.c.k," he breathes, pulling me tighter to him. "Everyone"s on the other side of the door waiting. You need a minute or are you good?"
"I"m good."
Following Travis out the door and into the living room, the first person I lock eyes with is Ace. He looks nervous as he takes in my face. I"m sure I look like h.e.l.l from crying, but they aren"t tears of anger or grief.
"Ace," I start, as the others listen and wait.
"Yeah, squirt?"
"I read it."
"I know," he replies and looks around at our friends for support.
Rae is standing next to Toby and Marlee. Hayden has Lacey wrapped around his middle and I feel Travis standing behind me.
"Are you okay?" Ace asks quietly.
I shake my head and will the tears not to pour, but in the presence of all Bean"s ever given me in the form of those she loved the most, I can"t help but let them fall.
Looking down, I tell everyone who"s listening, "She"s not coming back."
The room stays quiet, but I hear Ace"s boots on the carpet, heading toward me. Grabbing me around the shoulders, I let my forehead hit his strong chest for comfort. "I know she"s not, but I think she"s still here."
I let out a heart-wrenching sob that Ace catches. "I think so, too."
Exhaling a sigh of relief, Ace explains it. "I"m so f.u.c.kin" glad you read it."
"She wants me to have babies," I tell him.
"f.u.c.k," he mumbles against my hair.
"Are you going to be able to handle that?"
I hear Rae laugh and Marlee giggle quietly. Lacey exhales and says, "Let"s talk about Sarah having babies another time."
Trying to regroup, I look up at Ace and offer a heartfelt smile. "I"m really glad she never suffered. She didn"t deserve that."
"No, squirt, she didn"t."
Ace nods at Travis behind me, and then pushes on my shoulders to get me to move. I feel Travis"s arms around my waist, pulling him to me. Ace"s eyes are watery, but they look the same as mine. He"s no longer lost in sadness or grief. He"s basking in relief.
"Let"s go!" Marlee exclaims, clapping her hands. "Brian ordered fireworks and they"re about to start."
"Fireworks," Ace repeats with an eye roll as he grabs Rae against his side and starts to usher the others out.
"Ready?" Trav asks in my ear.
"Yep."
"You need a few minutes?"
"Nope."
"Then let"s go."
Hours later, we"re all lying on our backs on the beach, looking at the sky, each of us under light blankets. The night wind is cool as it brings in the mist from the ocean.
"He kissed me," I explain to the others, remembering the night of my drunken stupor after I got arrested for public intoxication. "I called Hayden to come get me, but he sent Travis."
"f.u.c.k yeah, I did," I hear Hayden return. "I wasn"t about to bail your a.s.s out."
Lacey, settled in Hayden"s arms on their own blanket beside ours, jumps to my defense. "I was p.i.s.sed about that, Sarah."
"Very," Hayden adds.
Travis squeezes me against him before telling the others, "I did not kiss her that night. She was so G.o.d d.a.m.n drunk, I wanted to drown her crazy a.s.s."
"Whatever. We kissed."
"It was sloppy," he replies and the others laugh.
Ace pipes in from the other end of our crowd. He and Rae are on the opposite end of the row of blankets. Rae set up the sleeping arrangements to keep Ace and me at a distance. "I don"t want to hear this s.h.i.t. Sarah"s still a virgin."
Travis coughs to control his laughter and I bury my head against his chest to control mine.
"Travis and I made out at Hayden"s wedding, too. It wasn"t sloppy. It was hot as f.u.c.k," I confess. "We were both drunk that night."
I hear Ace"s voice more clearly than before so I peek my head up above the others lying between us in silence. "You did what?"
Hayden turns his head to me and whispers, "Sarah, I hadn"t told him the particulars, so maybe you should stop talking."
"No," Ace corrects Hayden. "I"d like to hear what I missed."
Travis puts in next, "No, man. You don"t. Let it go."
I hear Ace"s heavy sigh then Rae"s voice trying to soothe him. She"s using his name to calm his nerves and I smile, knowing her efforts are pointless. It doesn"t work when Trav does it to me and I"m sure Ace feels the same.
"What do you think Bean"s doing?" Toby asks.
"Playin" cards," Ace says in unison with Travis.
"I don"t believe that," Hayden adds. "I bet she"s cooking."
"I miss her chicken parm," Toby says. "She never forgot to invite me over for that."
"I miss her cookies," Lacey adds. "That woman was h.e.l.l on those chocolate chips."
"I miss her," I whisper to Travis.
"I know," he whispers back.
Sitting up, I lean my elbows on his chest. "Thank you for listening to her. Whatever she had to say the day she gave you her blessing was important to her."
Travis"s fingers run through my hair and in the light of the first firework exploding above us I see all the love I"ll ever need in those big green eyes. "She knew I loved you, Sarah. She was just trying to tell me how much I loved you."