“I’ll wait for you to come to me,” I say.
But after all the lies and the bulls.h.i.t, the regrets, I still feel like the world has been ripped from beneath me when she turns away.
Because I’m a monster.
Chapter 21
Sienna
After Lucas and Kylie leave, I finally ask for those pain meds the medical staff has been trying to force down my throat since I was admitted here. Hot tears are running down my cheeks, scalding me as I take the tiny plastic cup from my nurse, and by the time I’ve downed the swig of water she’s given me, my shoulders are shaking.
The nurse stands at the bottom of my bed, her face wrinkled into a mask of concern. “Do you need me to call someone for you, Ms. Jensen?”
Whom would I have her call? Gram, who’s already worried sick over all of this? Seth, who has spent every moment of the last 24 hours blasting Lucas for failing to protect me.
Or Lucas? Lucas, the beautiful, tattooed man who makes my chest seize up every time I picture him, every time he comes into a room. The beautiful man whose ex-wife probably orchestrated my attack. The man who, not even half an hour ago, admitted to me that he had murdered a man protecting someone else four years ago.
My throat suddenly feels dry, and I swallow hard, wanting to get rid of some of the bitterness before I answer nurse. “No—” I squint at her nametag. “Thanks, Nora. But I’m just tired.”
She puckers her lips sympathetically and pats the bottom of my blanket right next to where my toes are curled into the sheets. “You’ve been through a lot. Get some rest, Ms. Jensen.”
Once she’s gone, I flip on the television. Ironically, the newest episode of Echo Falls, the paranormal TV show I used to work on the set of, is on, and I let the sounds of unrequited love and s.e.xual frustration serenade me until the tears are gone and my eyes feel so heavy they hurt.
I sleep like s.h.i.t.
I filter in and out of consciousness—my hazy, waking thoughts focusing on everything from my mother to my own insecurities.
But mostly, it’s Lucas that I think about.
And by the time I’m able to force myself into a decent and consistent sleep, there are fresh tears drying on the outside corners of my eyes.
The banging of my door closing wakes me up the next morning, and I shoot up straight, drawing in a deep breath that sets my lungs on fire. My chest is heaving up and down as I look around the room and then my eyes land on my younger brother.
“You scared the s.h.i.t out of me.”
His mouth sets in a hard line as he walks further into my room and sinks down in the armchair beside my bed. Placing his forearms on thighs, he leans forward, pressing his lips to his balled up fists. After a few moments of silence, he looks me over, starting at the top of my head and ending at my hands, which are folded up in my lap. “I’ve never seen you look like that.”
Self-consciously, I run my hand through my hair, grimacing at how tangled the red locks are. “Of course, you’d state the—”
He shakes his head. “Not the bruises, Sienna, or the messed up hair. The look of absolute terror when I walked in.”
“You woke me up,” I point out.
“You’ve never woken up like that before.”
“How the h.e.l.l do you know that?”
Giving me the closest that he’s come to a smile since I was admitted here, he pushes himself back. “I heard Wolfe was here last night.”
“You called him, didn’t you?” I cross my arms over my chest. “Did you not expect him to come?”
And deep inside of me, I’m ashamed to admit that I hate that Lucas had come. I hate myself for pushing once again to find out what it is he was keeping from me. And I hate that right now, knowing everything there is to know about Lucas and realizing just how much I love him, I’m conflicted.
“Are you going back on tour with him?” Seth asks quietly, and I stare down at my hands. There’s a purplish bruise on the inside of my left wrist, and I ma.s.sage my right thumb over it carefully.
“I’ve got a lot of work to do here.”
Seth seems to consider this for a long time before he nods once. He looks down at his watch. Groaning, he comes over to the bed and sits down on the edge. “I hate school.”
I know what he’s doing. And coming from Seth, I appreciate the distraction because he has no clue what’s going on. All he knows is that I’m hurting.
“Don’t skip. It’s too d.a.m.n early in the year for you to beg off so save your days for the ones where you . . . do whatever the h.e.l.l it is you do when you refuse to go to cla.s.s.” When his mouth flares into a smile and he parts his lips to say something, I press my hand flat against his chest. “Ugh, I wasn’t asking for you to give me an explanation of your extracurricular activities. Go to cla.s.s, Seth.”
His bottom lip moves slightly as he bites the inside of it. Finally, he slides off of my bed. “Fine.” Bending down, he kisses me on my cheek, his scruffy chin scratching my face. “But you better call me if anything happens.”
When he pulls away, both of my eyebrows are raised. “Are you telling me that you—Seth Jensen—will actually answer my phone call?”
He rolls his brown eyes as he walks to the door. “You don’t give me enough credit, big sister.”
True to his word, Lucas doesn’t return to the hospital, so I have all morning to try to begin the process of sorting out my thoughts. After one of the physicians comes around a little after noon, and a nurse issues my discharge paperwork shortly thereafter, I’m stunned to find that the person who arrives to pick me up at the hospital is Kylie.