There is only one thing which is said to be worse than being called upon unexpectedly to make an after dinner speech--that is to prepare an after dinner speech and not be asked to deliver it.
Over the teacups: "Do you believe that awful story they are telling about Miss Prim?"
Ladies in Chorus--"Yes. What is it?"
"Say, mister," said the little fresh air child as she watched the cattle enjoying their cud, "do you have to buy gum for all of them cows to chew?"
I remember the Colonel from Missouri who forgot the name of the suburb he wanted to go to near Boston. "It runs in my head," said he to the hotel clerk, "its name is something like whisky straight, though that is not it exactly." "Oh," said the clerk, "I know; you mean Jamaica Plain."
"Yes, yes, that"s it," said the Colonel, and he immediately ordered two whisky straights.--Henry C. Caldwell.
"These Americanos," cries the affrighted Tagal, "are cannibals."
"What ever gave you such an idea?" asks the Moro.
"I just heard one of those soldiers ask that pretty school teacher to come and eat a Filipino with him!"
Lady--"Little boy, are you sure this b.u.t.ter is clean?"
Boy from the Country--"I low as how it ought to be. Ma and Sis set up half the night picking the specks out of it."
Squire"s daughter--"Do you think it is quite healthy to keep your pigs so close to the cottage?"
Hodge--"I dunno, Miss. Noan of ther pigs ain"t ever been ill."
Emaciated Invalid (just arrived at the springs)--"Is it true that drinking these waters produces fat?"
Native (weight 250)--"Produces fat? Why, stranger, when I came here I only weighed eight pounds, and look at me now!"
At a "literary dinner" in London, Mr. Zangwell told a story of a fat lady of his acquaintance. Her corpulence had so grown upon her that she resolved to consult a physician about it. She had had no previous experience with "banting" of any sort.
The doctor drew up a careful dietary for her. She must eat dry toast, plain boiled beef, and a few other things of the same lean sort, and in a month return and report the result to the doctor.
At the end of the time the lady came, and was so stout that she could hardly get through the door. The doctor was aghast.
"Did you eat what I told you?" he asked.
"Religiously," she answered.
His brow wrinkled in perplexity. Suddenly he had a flash of inspiration.
"Did you eat anything else?" he asked.
"Why, I ate my ordinary meals," said the lady.
Considerate Little Girl--"Please, Mr. Keeper, will it hurt the elephant if I give him a currant out of my bun?"--Leisure Hours.
Howard Paul is responsible for this anecdote of Lillian Russell. The fair vocalist was lunching at a restaurant and ordered "floating island"--a popular _entremet_. In due course it arrived, and on its snowy surface three little red ants were having a cheap picnic and wriggling about in ecstatic contortions on the banquet they were enjoying. "Waiter," said Miss Russell, "I asked you for an island, but I expressed no desire to have it inhabited--take it away and bring me a _dessert_ island."
A lank, awkward countryman presented himself at the clerk"s desk in an American hotel, and, after having a room a.s.signed to him, inquired at what hours meals were served.
"Breakfast from seven to eleven, luncheon from eleven to three, dinner from three to eight, supper from eight to twelve," recited the hotel clerk glibly.
"Jerushy!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the country man, with bulging eyes, "When am I going to get time to see the town?"
A waiter in a restaurant once entered the room where a lady and gentleman were dining--they were just finishing their soup--without any preliminary knock. What he saw led him to stammer: "A thousand pardons, Monsieur; I was too precipitate." "Why, you idiot," said the gentleman, "what are you standing there for, with your head under the tray? Did you never see a gentleman kiss a lady before in this restaurant?" "Oui, Monsieur, but nevaire before ze feesh--nevaire!"
"It ain"t any trouble to get along in Europe, whether you know the language or not," said the man who had been on a "personally conducted."
"Take Germany, for instance. One day I wanted a drink, and I went into one of the gardens and said to the waiter: "Look here, old man, I"m dry; do you understand? Dry!" and the next minute he came back with three beers."
Mrs. Smith--"I"m afraid you"ll have to look for a new place the first of the month, Bridget." Fat Bridget--"What fur, Ma"am?" Mrs. Smith--"Mr.
Smith objects to so much waste in the kitchen." Fat Bridget--"Lor, Ma"am, if that"s all, I"ll lace mesilf widin an inch of my life."
"I want you to come and dine with me," said John to Pat, "though I can only offer you a nice piece of beef and boiled potatoes." "Don"t make the laist apology about the dinner," said Pat, "it"s the very same I should have had at home, barrin" the bafe."
"You must find that impediment in your speech rather inconvenient at times, Mr. Brown."
"Oh, n-o--everyb-body has his little p-peculiarity. Stammering is m-m-mine; what is y-yours?"