I feared that the Panacea and Cure-Everything trick had been played too often, but I determined to make one big try, and I think that at last my fortune is made.
Congratulate me--I am immortalized, and I"ve done it myself. My name will be handed down to posterity as that of a universal benefactor. The hand which hereafter writes upon the record of Fame, the names of Ayer, Sands, Townsend, Moffat, Morrison, and Brandreth, must also inscribe, side by side with these distinguished appellations, the no less brilliant cognomen of the undying Doesticks.
Emulous of the deathly notoriety which has been acquired by the medicinal worthies just mentioned, _I_ also resolved to achieve a name and a fortune in the same reputable and honest manner.
Bought a gallon of tar, a cake of beeswax, and a firkin of lard, and in twenty-one hours I presented to the world the first batch of "_Doesticks" Patent, Self-Acting, Four-Horse Power Balsam_," designed to cure all diseases of mind, body, or estate, to give strength to the weak, money to the poor, bread and b.u.t.ter to the hungry, boots to the barefoot, decency to blackguards, and common sense to the Know-Nothings.
It acts physically, morally, mentally, psychologically, physiologically, and geologically, and it is intended to make our sublunary sphere a blissful paradise, to which Heaven itself shall be but a side-show.
I have not yet brought it to absolute perfection, but even now it acts with immense force, as you will perceive by the accompanying testimonials and records of my own individual experience. You will observe that I have not resorted to the usual manner of preparing certificates: which is, to be certain that all those intended for Eastern circulation shall seem to come from some formerly unheard-of place in the West, while those sent to the West shall be dated at some place forty miles east of sun-rise. But I send to _you_, as representing the western country, a certificate from an Oregon farmer.
"DEAR SIR: The land composing my farm has. .h.i.therto been so poor that a Scotchman couldn"t get his living off it; and so stony that we had to slice our potatoes and plant them edgeways; but, hearing of your balsam, I put some on the corner of a ten-acre lot, surrounded by a rail-fence, and in the morning I found the rocks had entirely disappeared--a neat stone wall encircled the field, and the rails were split into ovenwood and piled up symmetrically in my back yard.
Put half an ounce into the middle of a huckleberry swamp--in two days it was cleared off, planted with corn and pumpkins, and had a row of peach trees in full bloom through the middle.
As an evidence of its tremendous strength, I would state that it drew a striking likeness of my eldest daughter--drew my youngest boy out of the mill-pond--drew a blister all over his stomach--drew a load of potatoes four miles to market, and eventually drew a prize of ninety-seven dollars in the State Lottery.
And the effect upon the inhabitants hereabout has been so wonderful, that they have opened their eyes to the good of the country, and are determined to vote for a Governor who is opposed to frosts in the middle of June, and who will make a positive law against freshets, hail-storms, and the seventeen-year locusts."
There, isn"t that _some_?
But I give one more from a member of the senior cla.s.s in a western college, who, although misguided, neglected, and ignorant, is, undoubtedly, as honest and sincere as his Prussianized education will admit of.
I have corrected the orthography, and revised some grammatical inaccuracies; but, besides attending to these trifles, inserting marks of punctuation, and putting the capitals in the right places, I a.s.sure you I have made no alteration.
"SALL HARBOR, June 31, 1854.
MY DEAR DOCTOR. [You know I attended medical lectures half a winter, and once a.s.sisted in getting a crooked needle out of a baby"s leg; so I understand perfectly well the theory and practice of medicine, and the _Doctor_ is perfectly legitimate under the Prussian system.]
By the incessant study required in this establishment, I had become worn down so thin that I was obliged to put on an overcoat to cast a shadow--but accidentally hearing of your Balsam, I obtained a quant.i.ty, and, in obedience to the Hom[oe]opathic principles of this Inst.i.tution, took an_infinitesimal_ dose only; in four days I measured one hundred and eighty-two inches round the waist; could chop eleven cords of hickory wood in two hours and a half; and, on a bet, carried a yoke of oxen two miles and a quarter in my left hand, my right being tied behind me, and if any one doubts the fact, the oxen are still to be seen.
About two weeks after this, I had the pleasure of partic.i.p.ating in a gunpowder explosion, on which occasion my arms and legs were scattered over the village, and my mangled remains pretty equally distributed throughout the entire county.
Under these circ.u.mstances my life was despaired of, and my cla.s.smates had bought a pine coffin, and borrowed whole shirts to attend the funeral in; when the invincible power of your four horse-power balsam (which I happened to have in my vest pocket) suddenly brought together the scattered pieces of my body--collected my limbs from the rural districts--put new life into my shattered frame, and I was restored, uninjured to my friends, with a new set of double teeth.
I have preserved the label which enveloped the bottle, and have sewed it into the seat of my pantaloons, and I now bid grim death defiance, for I feel that I am henceforth unkillable, and in fact I am even now generally designated the "_Great Western Achilles_."
Yours entirely
SKI HY."
I feel that after this, I need give you no more reports of third persons, but will detail some of my own personal experience of the article.
I caused some to be applied to the Washtenaw Bank after its failure, and while the Balsam lasted the Bank redeemed its notes with specie.
The cork of one of the bottles dropped upon the head of a childless widow, and in six weeks she had a young and blooming husband.
Administered some to a hack-driver in a gla.s.s of gin and sugar, and that day he swindled but seven people, and only gave two of them bad money in change.
Gave a few drops gratis to a poor woman who was earning a precarious subsistence by making calico shirts with a one-eyed needle, and the next day she was discovered to be heir to a large fortune.
Gave some to an up-town actor, and that night he said "d.a.m.ned" only twenty-one times.
One of the daily papers got the next dose, and in the next edition but one there were but four editorial falsehoods, seven indecent advertis.e.m.e.nts, and two columns and a half of home-made "Foreign Correspondence."
Caused fifteen drops to be given to the low comedian of a Broadway Theatre, and that night he was positively dressed more like a man than a monkey, actually spoke some lines of the author, made only three inane attempts at puerile witticisms--only twice went out of his way to introduce some grossly indelicate line into his part, and for a wonder, lost so much of his self-conceit that for a full half-hour he did not believe himself the greatest comedian in the world.
Gave some to a news-boy, and he manufactured but three fires, a couple of murders, and one horrible rail-road accident in the next thirty minutes.
Put some on the outside of the Crystal Palace and the same day the stock went from 22 up to 44.
Our whole Empire City is entirely changed by the miraculous power of "Doesticks" Patent Self-Acting Four Horse Power Balsam." The gas is lighted on the dark nights, instead of on the moonlight evenings--there are no more highway robberies in the streets, or, if there are, the offenders, when arrested, are instantly discharged by the police magistrate. No more building materials on the sidewalks; no more midnight murders; no more Sunday rows; no more dirty streets; no more duels in Hoboken, and no more lies in the newspapers.
Broadway is swept and garnished: the M. P."s are civil, and the boys don"t steal any more dogs. In fact, so well content are we now with our City, that we feel, as the Hibernian poet so beautifully says:
"O, if there be an Elysium on earth, It is this--it is this."
Orders for my Balsam, _accompanied by the money_, will be immediately attended to; otherwise not, for my partner and I have resolved to sell for cash only feeling as did Dr. Young, who appropriately and feelingly remarks--
"We take no notes on Time."
Bull Dogge says I have piled it up too strong, and that no one will believe what he calls "that humbug about the newspapers, and the preposterous nonsense concerning the Broadway Actor." I am aware that in these instances my medicine has performed a modern miracle, but the facts remain "no less true than strange."
If I fail to acc.u.mulate a "pile" in this speculation, I shall start a Know-Nothing Newspaper, run it a month, and then fail and swindle the subscribers; get an overgrown woman or a whiskered lady, and exhibit her for twenty-five cents a head, or get up a Grand Gift Enterprise, with $20,000 prizes.
XII.
Running with the "Masheen."
Since the "_Grate old Squwirt_" made to go by steam, and imported from Cincinnati to put to the blush Metropolitan Redshirtdom, and which couldn"t raise steam enough to throw water to the top of the City Hall, has proved such a signal failure, the good old-fashioned "fire-annihilators" (not Barnum"s) have been more popular than ever.
The "boys" say they will take the oldest and most primitive engine in the city, man it with fourteen small-sized news-boys on a side, and, with this apparatus, will throw more water, throw it higher farther, and to more purpose than any or all the clumsy steam humbugs yet invented in Porkopolis.
Ninety-seven"s boys say they can run to a fire, get their water on, extinguish the conflagration, "take-up", get home, bunk in, and snooze half an hour before the "Squwirt" could get her kindling-wood ready.
[Ill.u.s.tration: Doesticks Running with the "Masheen."]
Now I am not known by the cognomen of "Mose," nor do I answer to the name of "Syskey"--neither as a general thing do I promenade the middle of Broadway with my pantaloons tucked into my boots. Still, by way of a new excitement, I lately joined the Fire Department, and connected myself with the company of Engine 97.
Bought my uniform, treated the company, took up my quarters in the bunkroom, where I slept by night in a bed occupied in the day-time by a big yellow dog. First night, went to bed with my boots on, ready for an alarm. At last it came--seized the rope with the rest of the boys; started on a run; tugged and toiled till we got her into the 11th district, four miles and a half from home; found the alarm had been caused by a barrel of shavings, and the conflagration had extinguished itself; had to drag her clear back; tired most to death; it wasn"t funny at all.
Turned in; half an hour, new alarm; started again--hose 80 laid in the same alley, got our apparatus jammed on the corner; fight; 97 victorious; got our machine out, and carried off the forewheel of 80"s carriage on our tongue; reached the fire; big n.i.g.g.e.r standing on the hydrant; elected myself appraiser and auctioneer; knocked him down without any bidder; took water; got our stream on the fire; fun; worked till my arms ached; let go to rest; foreman hit me over the head with a trumpet, and told me to go ahead; children in the garret; horrible situation; gallant fireman made a rush up the ladder; battled his way through the smoke--reappeared with a child in each arm, and his pocket full of teaspoons.
Old gentleman from the country; much excited; wanted to help, but didn"t exactly know how; he rushed into a fourth-story bedroom; threw the mirror out of the window; frantically endeavored to hurl the dressing-table after it; seized the coal-scuttle; hurriedly put in the poker, bootjack, and a pair of worn out slippers, carried them down stairs, and deposited them in a place of safety four blocks away; came back on a run, into the parlor; took up the door-mat, wrapped up an empty decanter in it, and transported it safely into the barn of the nearest neighbor; he kept at work; by dint of heroic exertions, he at various times deposited, by piece, the entire kitchen cooking-stove in the next street, uninjured; and at last, after knocking the piano to pieces with an axe, in order to save the lock, and filling his pocket with the sofa castors, he was seen to make his final exit from the back-yard, with a length of stovepipe in each hand, the toasting fork tucked behind his ear, and two dozen m.u.f.fin rings in his hat which was surmounted by a large-sized frying-pan.
During the next week there were several alarms--fire in a big block full of paupers--first man in the building; carried down stairs in my arms two helpless undressed children, thereby saving their valuable lives; on giving them to their mother, she, amid a whirlwind of thanks, imparted the gratifying intelligence that one was afflicted with the measles, and the other had the Michigan itch.