"Yes," his lordship went on, "I taught myself hardship in my boyhood, and I reap the fruits of it in my prime!--Come up here: I will show you a prospect unequalled."
He stopped in front of a large picture, and began to talk as if expatiating on the points of a landscape outspread before him. His remarks belonged to something magnificent; but whether they were applicable to the picture Donal could not tell; there was light enough only to give a faint gleam to its gilded frame.
"Reach beyond reach!" said his lordship; "endless! infinite! How would not poor Maldon, with his ever fresh ambition after the unattainable, have gloated on such a scene! In Nature alone you front success! She does what she means! She alone does what she means!"
"If," said Donal, more for the sake of confirming the earl"s impression that he had a listener, than from any idea that he would listen--"if you mean the object of Nature is to present us with perfection, I cannot allow she does what she intends: you rarely see her produce anything she would herself call perfect. But if her object be to make us behold perfection with the inner eye, this object she certainly does gain, and that just by stopping short of--"
He did not finish the sentence. A sudden change was upon him, absorbing him so that he did not even try to account for it: something seemed to give way in his head--as if a bubble burst in his brain; and from that moment whatever the earl said, and whatever arose in his own mind, seemed to have outward existence as well. He heard and knew the voice of his host, but seemed also in some inexplicable way, which at the time occasioned him no surprise, to see the things which had their origin in the brain of the earl. Whether he went in very deed out with him into the night, he did not know--he felt as if he had gone, and thought he had not--but when he woke the next morning in his bed at the top of the tower, which he had no recollection of climbing, he was as weary as if he had been walking the night through.
CHAPTER x.x.xI.
BEWILDERMENT.
His first thought was of a long and delightful journey he had made on horseback with the earl--through scenes of entrancing interest and variety,--with the present result of a strange weariness, almost misery. What had befallen him? Was the thing a fact or a fancy? If a fancy, how was he so weary? If a fact, how could it have been? Had he in any way been the earl"s companion through such a long night as it seemed? Could they have visited all the places whose remembrance lingered in his brain? He was so confused, so bewildered, so haunted with a shadowy uneasiness almost like remorse, that he even dreaded the discovery of the cause of it all. Might a man so lose hold of himself as to be no more certain he had ever possessed or could ever possess himself again?
He bethought himself at last that he might perhaps have taken more wine than his head could stand. Yet he remembered leaving his gla.s.s unemptied to follow the earl; and it was some time after that before the change came! Could it have been drunkenness? Had it been slowly coming without his knowing it? He could hardly believe it? But whatever it was, it had left him unhappy, almost ashamed. What would the earl think of him? He must have concluded him unfit any longer to keep charge of his son! For his own part he did not feel he was to blame, but rather that an accident had befallen him. Whence then this sense of something akin to shame? Why should he be ashamed of anything coming upon him from without? Of that shame he had to be ashamed, as of a lack of faith in G.o.d! Would G.o.d leave his creature who trusted in him at the mercy of a chance--of a gla.s.s of wine taken in ignorance? There was a thing to be ashamed of, and with good cause!
He got up, found to his dismay that it was almost ten o"clock--his hour for rising in winter being six--dressed in haste, and went down, wondering that Davie had not come to see after him.
In the schoolroom he found him waiting for him. The boy sprang up, and darted to meet him.
"I hope you are better, Mr. Grant!" he said. "I am so glad you are able to be down!"
"I am quite well," answered Donal. "I can"t think what made me sleep so long? Why didn"t you come and wake me, Davie, my boy?"
"Because Simmons told me you were ill, and I must not disturb you if you were ever so late in coming down."
"I hardly deserve any breakfast!" said Donal, turning to the table; "but if you will stand by me, and read while I take my coffee, we shall save a little time so."
"Yes, sir.--But your coffee must be quite cold! I will ring."
"No, no; I must not waste any more time. A man who cannot drink cold coffee ought to come down while it is hot."
"Forgue won"t drink cold coffee!" said Davie: "I don"t see why you should!"
"Because I prefer to do with my coffee as I please; I will not have hot coffee for my master. I won"t have it anything to me what humour the coffee may be in. I will be Donal Grant, whether the coffee be cold or hot. A bit of practical philosophy for you, Davie!"
"I think I understand you, sir: you would not have a man make a fuss about a trifle."
"Not about a real trifle. The co-relative of a trifle, Davie, is a smile. But I would take heed whether the thing that is called a trifle be really a trifle. Besides, there may be a point in a trifle that is the egg of an ought. It is a trifle whether this or that is nice; it is a point that I should not care. With us highlanders it is a point of breeding not to mind what sort of dinner we have, but to eat as heartily of bread and cheese as of roast beef. At least so my father and mother used to teach me, though I fear that refinement of good manners is going out of fashion even with highlanders."
"It is good manners!" rejoined Davie with decision, "--and more than good manners! I should count it grand not to care what kind of dinner I had. But I am afraid it is more than I shall ever come to!"
"You will never come to it by trying because you think it grand. Only mind, I did not say we were not to enjoy our roast beef more than our bread and cheese; that would be not to discriminate, where there is a difference. If bread and cheese were just as good to us as roast beef, there would be no victory in our contentment."
"I see!" said Davie.--"Wouldn"t it be well," he asked, after a moment"s pause, "to put one"s self in training, Mr. Grant, to do without things--or at least to be able to do without them?"
"It is much better to do the lessons set you by one who knows how to teach, than to pick lessons for yourself out of your books. Davie, I have not that confidence in myself to think I should be a good teacher of myself."
"But you are a good teacher of me, sir!"
"I try--but then I"m set to teach you, and I am not set to teach myself: I am only set to make myself do what I am taught. When you are my teacher, Davie, I try--don"t I--to do everything you tell me?"
"Yes, indeed, sir!"
"But I am not set to obey myself!"
"No, nor anyone else, sir! You do not need to obey anyone, or have anyone teach you, sir!"
"Oh, don"t I, Davie! On the contrary, I could not get on for one solitary moment without somebody to teach me. Look you here, Davie: I have so many lessons given me, that I have no time or need to add to them any of my own. If you were to ask the cook to let you have a cold dinner, you would perhaps eat it with pride, and take credit for what your hunger yet made quite agreeable to you. But the boy who does not grumble when he is told not to go out because it is raining and he has a cold, will not perhaps grumble either should he happen to find his dinner not at all nice."
Davie hung his head. It had been a very small grumble, but there are no sins for which there is less reason or less excuse than small ones: in no sense are they worth committing. And we grown people commit many more such than little children, and have our reward in childishness instead of childlikeness.
"It is so easy," continued Donal, "to do the thing we ordain ourselves, for in holding to it we make ourselves out fine fellows!--and that is such a mean kind of thing! Then when another who has the right, lays a thing upon us, we grumble--though it be the truest and kindest thing, and the most reasonable and needful for us--even for our dignity--for our being worth anything! Depend upon it, Davie, to do what we are told is a far grander thing than to lay the severest rules upon ourselves--ay, and to stick to them, too!"
"But might there not be something good for us to do that we were not told of?"
"Whoever does the thing he is told to do--the thing, that is, that has a plain ought in it, will become satisfied that there is one who will not forget to tell him what must be done as soon as he is fit to do it."
The conversation lasted only while Donal ate his breakfast, with the little fellow standing beside him; it was soon over, but not soon to be forgotten. For the readiness of the boy to do what his master told him, was beautiful--and a great help and comfort, sometimes a rousing rebuke to his master, whose thoughts would yet occasionally tumble into one of the pitfalls of sorrow.
"What!" he would say to himself, "am I so believed in by this child, that he goes at once to do my words, and shall I for a moment doubt the heart of the Father, or his power or will to set right whatever may have seemed to go wrong with his child!--Go on, Davie! You are a good boy; I will be a better man!"
But naturally, as soon as lessons were over, he fell again to thinking what could have befallen him the night before. At what point did the aberration begin? The earl must have taken notice of it, for surely Simmons had not given Davie those injunctions of himself--except indeed he had exposed his condition even to him! If the earl had spoken to Simmons, kindness seemed intended him; but it might have been merely care over the boy! Anyhow, what was to be done?
He did not ponder the matter long. With that directness which was one of the most marked features of his nature, he resolved at once to request an interview with the earl, and make his apologies. He sought Simmons, therefore, and found him in the pantry rubbing up the forks and spoons.
"Ah, Mr. Grant," he said, before Donal could speak, "I was just coming to you with a message from his lordship! He wants to see you."
"And I came to you," replied Donal, "to say I wanted to see his lordship!"
"That"s well fitted, then, sir!" returned Simmons. "I will go and see when. His lordship is not up, nor likely to be for some hours yet; he is in one of his low fits this morning. He told me you were not quite yourself last night."
As he spoke his red nose seemed to examine Donal"s face with a kindly, but not altogether sympathetic scrutiny.
"The fact is, Simmons," answered Donal, "not being used to wine, I fear I drank more of his lordship"s than was good for me."
"His lordship"s wine," murmured Simmons, and there checked himself.
"--How much did you drink, sir--if I may make so bold?"
"I had one gla.s.s during dinner, and more than one, but not nearly two, after."
"Pooh! pooh, sir! That could never hurt a strong man like you! You ought to know better than that! Look at me!"
But he did not go on with his ill.u.s.tration.