Emphasis on the wordalways, which buzzes his ears like a cloying mosquito. Has she really known him long enough to applyalways to anything about him?
I called here, she goes on. I wanted to let you know I was coming early, just in case you might be planning to surprise me at the airport.
I was planning to, he says as smoothly as the saxophone gliding along in the background. In fact, I was just stopping home before heading over there.
Stopping home to drop off your bag? she asks, eyeing his duffel.
Right.Here we go Where have you been? Because, obviously, you havent been here the last few days. Your toothbrush and shaving stuff arent in the bathroom. Smoochys water dish was empty, and so was his dry food. His milk bowl was sour, and there were no empty Purina cans in the garbage. She pauses for effect, then bookends that detective work with, Where have you been?
Kylah has every right to investigate and ask questions, he reminds himself, after coming home to an empty apartment. She has every right to stand there looking at him with that disillusioned look on her face.
Lindsey wore that same expression, perpetually, when she began to suspect there was another woman.
Im sorry, babe. He drops the duffel and crosses the room to hug her.
Shes stiff in his arms, but she lets him do it.
Still, she persists, Where were you?
He cant tell her the truth. Kylah doesnt know about Rachel. If he has his way, she never will. Look what happened when he told Lindsey.
One of our clients up in Boston had a system crash yesterday and I had to drop everything and go. She knows as little about his businesscomputersas he does about hers: pharmaceuticals.
Why didnt you tell me you were leaving?
I couldnt reach you, he says simply.
She shrugs, looking thoughtful. Looking as though she thinks it could actually be true After all, she spends little time in her room during conferences, and she always turns off her cell phone when shes giving seminars.
Of course, hecould have left her a voice mail But she doesnt even bring that up.
Maybe because she desperately wants to believe him, regardless of how credible she actually finds his story.
Im going to go finish unpacking, she says, slipping from his grasp and heading back toward the bedroom. Why dont you do the same thing, and then well go over to Dojo and get some dinner?
Dojo. Her favorite. Shes a vegetarian.
Not Isaac. h.e.l.l take a steakcold-b.l.o.o.d.y-rare, Rachels preference as wellover hummus, sprouts, and tofu any day.
But Rachel isnt here with him now.
Kylah is, and shes waiting for him to respond.
That sounds good. He forces a smile.
Good. She returns an equally strained version.
Ill be right there. He waits until shes disappeared into the next room before quietly unzipping his duffel bag and feeling around inside.
Locating the packet of photos, he quickly crosses to the desk in the far corner. They both use it, but she wont look inside the file drawer anytime soon.
The moment he has a chance, h.e.l.l return the photos to their usual spot: safely tucked into his own locked drawer in his own apartment near Gramercy Park.
She doesnt know about that, either.
The apartment. Sheknew about it, of coursepast tense. She thinks he let it go when he moved in with her. She believes he gave all the furniture to a new entry-level guy at work, and she a.s.sumes that Isaac stopped paying rent on that supposedly vacated apartment the month he started paying half of hers.
Kylah doesnt know he has no intention of letting the apartment gothat he cant possibly let it go.
Kylah doesnt know about a lot of things.
And what she doesnt know, Isaac reminds himself, ignoring the guilty twist in his gut, cant possibly hurt her.
Isaac ignores the mocking voice in his head.
You know, sometimes, things turn out quite differently from what you had in mind.
Sometimes, you wind up hurting people.
People you hate.
And, yes, even people you love.
PART II.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR TILDY.
CHAPTER 7.
Do we go trick-or-treating tonight, Mommy? Caleb asks over breakfast, same as he has every morning this week, thanks to the wide world of kindergarten and his new Halloween-obsessed friend, Tyler Carmichael.
Not tonight, sweetie.
Tomorrow?
No, not tomorrow. Brynn sets a bowl of dry Cheerios in front of Jeremy, sitting in his plastic booster seat, and returns to the cupboard for a sippy cup.
Then when? Caleb dips his spoon into his bowl, shoves some milky Frosted Flakes into his mouth, and continues around a still-crunchy mouthful, The day after tomorrow? Or Wednesday?
Todayis Wednesday.
He mutters under his breath, Monday, Thursday, Wednesday Then he announces, Youre right, Mommy! Today is Wednesday. And tomorrow is Tuesday!
Her back to him as she pours milk into the sippy cup, Brynn smiles and opts not to correct him again. Hes so pleased with himself, learning the days of the week. He just hasnt mastered the order yet.
Theres a lot for a first-time elementary school student to absorb, and Caleb has had his eyes opened to all sorts of new concepts in the past month.
Hes definitely developed a growing awareness of organized time, even beyond a daily cla.s.sroom schedule that includes his favorite, snack time, and quiet time, the probable favorite of his teacher, Mrs. Shimp.
And he talked so often about the cla.s.srooms monthly wall calendar adorned with seasonal icons that Brynn created a duplicate here at home. To Calebs delight, it now hangs on the wall in the kitchen, decorated with stickers she bought at the crafts store.
ForOct-oh-boh, as Caleb calls it, there are autumn leaves and pumpkins, Christopher Columbus and his three ships, candy corn, and costumed children carrying plastic jack-o-lantern buckets.
We still havent even figured out what youre going to be for Halloween yet, Brynn reminds her son.
He thinks about it. Can I be Gary?
Whos Gary?
Hes SpongeBobs pet snail.
Oh Well, isnt there somebody else you can be?As in, somebody who comes in a package at Target with a vinyl jumpsuit and plastic mask?
No, I want to be Gary. Tyler is going to be SpongeBobs friend Squidward.
Well then, why dont you be SpongeBob?
Tyler says thats boring.
I think SpongeBob is anything but boring.I also think we need to limit your time with Tyler, Brynn decides as she hands Jeremy the cup.
Well, I want to be Gary. You can make me a Gary costume, right, Mommy?
She sighs. Sure, why not?
Good. Ill go get some tape. You need tape, right? He pushes back his chair.
Brynn pushes it back in promptly with a hip check. Whoa, hang on there, Gar, weve got plenty of time before Halloween. Eat your breakfast.
How many days do I have?
Till Halloween? She does quick mental math as she sets the sippy cup on Jeremys plastic placemat. About twenty five. Which means only twenty-three days until her thirtieth birthday. Yikes.
Cool beans.
Cool beans?
She suppresses a smile. Thats a new one, and yet another reminder that her firstborn is now living a whole life that doesnt involve her.
Lately, Calebs vocabulary has been sprinkled with unfamiliar phrases like crisscross-applesauce, Line Leader, and morning message. He takes as much pleasure in his parents exaggerated confusion whenever he drops one of those phrases into conversation as he does in patiently defining them.
How many days, he asks now, munching Frosted Flakes, till we get to go visit Grandpa and Grandma?
Now theres a word she doesnt like to hear.Grandma . She tries not to cringe when her boys use it, though. Her father insists that they refer to his wife that way, just as the other grandkidsBrynns brothers childrendo.
For some reason, it doesnt seem to bother anyone but Brynn.
Sue shouldnt get to be Grandma.
Brynns mother should beGrandma even if she never got to see any of her grandchildren.Angel Grandma in heaven, Brynn calls her with the kids, to differentiateand she makes sure that she talks to them about her mother a whole lot more than she does about Sue.
Or about her mother-in-law, for that matter.
Garths mother is a good personnot as warm as Brynns family, but she does love the boys. Shes seen them an average of once a year, though and shes old. Really old. Snow-white-hair, deep-wrinkles, and-a-walker old.
Mommy? How many days till we go? Caleb prods.
To see Grandpa? Thats next weekend.
Grandma, too?
Grandma, too, she says reluctantly, and tries to smile cheerfully.
Caleb and Jeremy adore Sue. According to Caleb, shes laughymeaning, she tells the boys silly jokes that crack them up. She always has a purse full of Hersheys Kisses and Bazooka Bubblegum. She takes them bowling whenever they visit, and she lets them beat her.
Mom, on the other hand, never let anyone win a game in her life. Always compet.i.tivenot to mention realisticshe thought kids should learn from an early age that loss was a part of life.
Maybe she was subconsciously trying to prepare her own children to face the world without her someday.
Or consciously, even. Sue told Brynn right after the funeraland right before she got her claws into Brynns fatherthat Mom had a feeling, long before her diagnosis, that something was going to happen to her.
She had this thing where sometimes, she just knew things, Sue said. It was a sixth sense kind of thing. She didnt like to talk about it, though. Especially not this past year, when she started thinking she might not be around forever.
Gazing at her two young sons over the rim of her coffee mug, Brynn cant imagine ever having to say good-bye to them forever.
What if ?
Stop thinking about that right now!she chides herself as a chill creeps over her.Youre not going to kick the bucket anytime soon, so why worry about it?
Well, maybe thats what she gets for being married to someone obsessed by death.
All right, obsessed isnt the right word.
The sociology of dying just happens to be Garths chosen field of study.
Is it any wonder morbid thoughts sometimes creep into his wifes consciousness?
These days, she has no qualms about telling him to change the subject whenever he steers a conversation to a particularly ghoulish topic, particularly when othersparticularly their sonsare in earshot.
But back when they were first married and she was still a little in awe of him, she feigned fascination whenever he went off on a tangent about Iroquois burial customs or ritual suicide. She dutifully read nonfiction books he recommended, with t.i.tles likeViolent Death andPoint of No Return . And she regularly wore the first piece of jewelry he ever bought for hereven after she discovered what it really was.