CHAPTER VIII
IDEALS AND ASPIRATIONS
A sudden rigidity seemed to affect Mrs. Raymore from the waist upwards.
Her back grew stiff, her head rose very straight from the neck, her eyes looked fixedly in front of her, her lips were tight shut. These symptoms were due to the fact that she saw Tom Courtland approaching, in company with a woman who was certainly not Lady Harriet. Thanks to the gossip about among Tom"s friends, Kate Raymore guessed who she was; the woman"s gorgeous attire, her flamboyant manner, the air of good-natured rowdyism which she carried with her, all confirmed the guess. Yet Tom was walking with her in the broad light of day--not in the street, it is true; it was in a rather retired part of the Park. Still, people came there and drove by there, and to many his companion was known by sight and by repute. His conduct betrayed increasing recklessness. There was nothing to do but to pa.s.s him by without notice; he himself would wish nothing else and would expect nothing else. Still Mrs. Raymore was sorry to have to do it; for Tom had been kind and helpful in obtaining that position in a railway company"s office in Buenos Ayres which had covered the disastrous retreat of her well-beloved son.
This lamentable affair had been hushed up so far as the outer world was concerned; but their friends knew the truth. In the first terrible days, when there had been imminent risk of a criminal prosecution, Raymore had rather lost his head and had gone round to Grantley Imason, to Tom Courtland, to John Fanshaw, making lament and imploring advice. So they all knew--they and their wives; and the poor boy"s sister Eva had been told, perforce. There the public shame stopped, but the private shame was very bitter to the Raymores. Raymore was driven to accuse himself of all kinds of faults in his bringing-up of the boy--of having been too indulgent here or too strict there--most of all, of having been so engrossed in business as not to see enough of the boy or to keep proper watch on his disposition and companions, and the way he spent his time.
Kate Raymore, who even now could not get it out of her head that her boy was a paragon, was possessed by a more primitive feeling. To her the thing was a nemesis. She had been too content, too sure all was well with their household, too uplifted in her kindly but rather scornful judgment of the difficulties and follies which the Courtland family, and the Fanshaw family, and other families of her acquaintance had brought before her eyes. She had fallen too much into the pose of the judge, the critic, and the censor. Well, she had trouble enough of her own now; and that, to say nothing of Tom"s kindness about Buenos Ayres, made her sorrier to have to cut him in the Park.
She was a religious woman, of a type now often considered old-fashioned.
The nemesis which she instinctively acknowledged she accepted as a just and direct chastis.e.m.e.nt of Heaven. Her husband was impatient with this view, but he had more sympathy with the merciful alleviation of her sorrow which Heaven had sent. In the hour of affliction her son"s heart, which had wandered from her in the waywardness of his heady youth, had come back to her. They could share holy memories of hours spent before Charley went, after forgiveness had been offered and received, and they were all drawn very close together. With these memories in their hearts they could endure, and with a confident hope look forward to, their son"s future. Meanwhile they who remained were nearer in heart too. Eva, who had been inclined to flightiness, was frightened and sobered into a greater tenderness and a more willing obedience; and Edgar Raymore himself, when once he had pulled himself together, had behaved so well and been such a help to his wife in the trial that their old relations of mellow friendship took on a more intimate and affectionate character.
It was Sibylla Imason whom Mrs. Raymore chose to pour out these feelings to. Who could better share them than the young wife still in the first pride and glory of her motherhood?
"Children bring you together and keep you together, whether in trouble or in joy. That"s one reason why everybody ought to have children," Kate Raymore said with a rather tremulous smile. "If there are none, there"s such a danger of the whole thing getting old and cold, and--and worn-out, you know."
Sibylla was in wonderful health now, and at the best of her looks. Her manner too had grown more composed and less impulsive, although she kept her old graciousness. To Kate Raymore she seemed very fair and good to gaze on. She listened with a thoughtful gravity and the wonted hint of questioning or seeking in her eyes. There was a hint of pain in them also, and of this Mrs. Raymore presently became aware.
"That"s how it ought to be," said Sibylla. "But--well, the Courtlands have children too."
The remark struck Kate Raymore as rather odd, coming from Sibylla, and a.s.sociated with the hint of pain in Sibylla"s eyes; but she was just now engrossed in her own feelings. She went on describing family life on the true lines--she wouldn"t have it that they were unreal or merely ideal--and was quite content that Sibylla should listen.
Sibylla did listen; it was easier to do that than to talk on the subject herself. But she listened without much interest. It was old ground to her, broken by imagination, if not by experience--very familiar to her thoughts some months before. She had lived with--nay, seemed to live on--such ideas in the early days of her marriage, before the accident and all that had come from it. The things Kate Raymore said were no doubt true sometimes; but they were not true for her. That was the upshot of the matter. They were not true for Grantley Imason"s wife, nor for the mother of his child. Her reason, dominated by emotion and almost as impulsive as its ruler, had brought her to that conclusion before ever her child was born. It dated from the night when she battled with Grantley, and she had never wavered in it since. She had abandoned hope of the ideal.
What of that? Do not most people have to abandon the ideal? Many of them do it readily enough, even with a secret sense of relief, since there is always something of a strain about an ideal: it is, in famous phrase, so categorically imperative. But Sibylla was a stickler for ideals; they were what she dealt in, what she proposed to barter and to bargain with; she had no place in her stock for humbler wares. Ideals or nothing! And, in the ideal, wifehood and motherhood were so indissolubly united that the failure of one soured her joy in the other. She loved the little child, but loved him with bitterness. He had become the symbol of her lost ideal.
But she did not say this to Kate Raymore, for with the loss of the ideal comes a certain shame of it. We see it then as we did not before, as we know now that others--so many others--see it; and we veil the broken image. The heart, once its throne, becomes its hiding-place.
All this was not for Kate Raymore. She must be left to wonder that Sibylla said so little about the baby--left to be amazed at an apparent coldness in the young mother--left to miss gracious extravagances of maternal joy and pride. For if Sibylla could not be open, neither would she play the hypocrite by parading a light-hearted enjoyment and exultation in the child. How should she display the boy and her proud pleasure in him to the world outside, when her pleasure was not shared at home, and her pride made her love covert there?
Christine Fanshaw, sharply guessing, had cried once:
"But surely Grantley"s manner is irreproachable?"
Even now Sibylla"s humour rose at the challenge.
"Yes, irreproachable. Of course it would be. All through, his solicitude for both of us was--beautiful! Even Mumples was shaken!"
"Shaken? Why, I thought----"
"Shaken in her bad opinion, I mean, Christine dear. Yes, if ever a man did his duty, did and said all the proper things, Grantley did. And he wasn"t the least angry with me; he was only annoyed with Adam and Eve, you know. Of course he was awfully busy just then: County Council elections and what not. But you"d never have guessed it. He never seemed hurried, and he was always very--very solicitous."
"And now, Sibylla?"
"Just the same--and quite pleased. Only I think he wishes babies were like kittens--more animated and growing up quicker, you know. We happen to have a kitten, and I think he"s more at his ease with that."
"Nonsense! Men are men, you know."
"Most of them seem to be," admitted Sibylla.
"It would be becoming," Christine observed, "if you recollected that you"d been in the wrong all through. You believed in the wrong doctor, you wanted the wrong thing, you were quite unreasonable. Hadn"t you better remember that?"
"I do remember it. And if you want another admission--well, Grantley never reminds me of it by a look or a word."
"He"s very much of a gentleman, Sibylla."
"He"s never the least ungentlemanlike, Christine."
Christine enjoyed a distinction; she laughed gently.
"And you"re a very lucky woman," she went on.
"Don"t I say so in my prayers?"
"In a very dangerous state of mind."
Christine"s eyes were set on her friend. Sibylla met them full and square. Her mirth, real or affected, vanished. She looked hard at Christine, and made no answer for a moment.
"Yes, I suppose I know what you mean by that," she said at last.
"It"s so much easier to despair of your husband than of anybody else in the world--except your wife."
"I try to consider him a type."
"Well, don"t find an exception. Oh, I"m not talking at random. I know!"
She paused a moment and then went on: "There"s a question I should like to ask you, but I suppose it"s a question n.o.body ought to ask; it"s too impertinent, even for me, I"m afraid."
Sibylla looked at her, and a faint touch of colour rose on her cheeks.
There was a little defiance about her manner, as though she were accused, and stood on her defence rather uneasily. She understood what question it was that even Christine could not ask.
"Grantley and I are--perfectly good friends," she said.
Christine"s next question was drawled out in a lazy murmur, and was never completed, apparently from mere indolence.
"It"s you who----?"
Sibylla nodded in an abrupt decisive fashion.
"And who do you see most of?" asked Christine.
The colour deepened a little on Sibylla"s face.
"That doesn"t follow. Don"t talk like that."
"I"ve gone a great deal too far?"