CHAPTER XXI
AN UNCOMPROMISING EXPRESSION
On the morrow of her attempted flight and enforced return a leaden heaviness had clogged Sibylla"s brain and limbs. Her body was quick to recover; her thoughts were for long drowsy and numb. She seemed to have died to an old life without finding a new one. Blake was to her as a dead friend; she would see and hear of him no more; she harboured no idea of meeting him again. The bonds between them were finally rent.
This att.i.tude towards him saved his character from criticism and his weakness from too close an examination, while it left her free to brood in the security of despair on all that she had thought to find in him and on the desolation his loss had made. The instinctive love for her child, which had a.s.serted itself while her intellect was dormant, could not prevail against the sullen preoccupation of re-awaking thoughts, or, if it could penetrate into them, came no more fresh and pure, but tainted with the sorrow and the anger which circled round that innocent head. She was tender, but in pity, not in pride; she loved, but without joy. The shadows hung so dark about the child"s cot. They hid from her eyes still the sin of her own desertion, and hindered the remorse which might best lead her back to love unalloyed. Still she arraigned not herself but only Grantley and the inevitable. Grantley was the inevitable; there stood the truth of it; she bowed her head to the knowledge, but did not incline her heart to the lesson it had to teach.
Yet the knowledge counted; she looked on Grantley with different eyes.
The revelation of himself, wrung from him by overpowering necessity, did its work. The resolve he had then announced, presumptuous beyond the right of mortal man, less than human in its cruelty, almost more than human in its audacity of successful revolt against destiny, might leave him hateful still, but showed him not negligible. He could not be put on one side, discarded, eliminated from her life. He was too big for that.
Against her will he attracted her attention and constrained her interest. The thought of what lay beneath his suave demeanour sometimes appalled, sometimes amused, and always fascinated her now. She saw that her old conception had erred; it had been too negative in character; what he could not do or be or give had seemed the whole of the matter to her. In the light of the revelation that was wrong. The positive--a very considerable positive--must be taken into account. The pride she had loathed was not a barren self-conceit, nor merely a sterile self-engrossment. It had issue in an a.s.surance almost supernatural and a courage above morality. Sibylla"s first relief came in the reflection that though she might have married a monster, at least she had not given herself to a stick or a stone; she was clear as to her preference when the choice was reduced to that alternative.
His behaviour appealed to her humour too--that humour which could not save her from running away with Blake under the spell of her ideas, but would certainly have made her want to run away from him when the glamour of the ideas had worn off. The old perfection of manner found a new ornament in his easy ignoring of the whole affair. He referred to it once only, then indirectly and because he had a reason. He suggested apologetically that it would be well for them to exchange remarks more freely when the servants were waiting on them at meals.
"It will prevent comment on recent events," he added, as though that were his only reason.
Sibylla was deceived at first, but presently detected another and more important motive. The suggestion marked the beginning of a new campaign on which his inexhaustible perseverance engaged. He understood that his wife accused him of not taking her into his confidence, and of not making her a partner in his life. He was no more minded than before that she should have even plausible grounds for complaint. Starting, then, from general topics and subjects arising out of the journals of the day, he slid placidly and dexterously into frequent discussions of his own plans and doings, his business, his work on the County Council, his Parliamentary ambitions, his schemes for improving the property at Milldean. Sibylla acknowledged the cleverness of these tactics with a rueful smile. She had claimed to share his life; yet most of these topics happened to seem to her rather tedious. But she was debarred from saying that to Grantley; his retort was so obvious. She was often bored, but she was amused that boredom should be the first result of the new method.
"I hope all this interests you?" Grantley would inquire politely.
"Of course, since it concerns you," equal politeness obliged her to reply--and not politeness only. She had to be interested; it had been her theory that she would be, her grievance that she had been denied the opportunity of being. Nor could she make out whether Grantley had any inkling of her suppressed indifference to the County Council and so forth. Was he exercising his humour too? She could not tell, but curiosity and amus.e.m.e.nt tempered the coldness of her courtesy. They got on really very well at dinner, and especially while the servants were in the room; there was sometimes an awkward pause just after they were left alone. But on the whole the trifling daily intercourse went better than before Sibylla"s flight--went indeed fairly well, as it can generally be made to if people are well bred and moderately humorous.
The great quarrel remained untouched, no span bridged the great chasm.
Grantley might consent to talk about his County Council; that was merely a polite concession, involving no admission of guilt, and acknowledging no such wrong to his wife as could for a moment justify her action. When it came to deeper matters, he was afflicted with a shame and helplessness which seemed to paralyse him. To gloss over the absence of love, or even of friendship, was a task at which he was apt and tactful; to gain it back was work of the heart--and here he was as yet at a standstill. His instinct had told him to work through the child. But if he caressed the child in order to conciliate Sibylla, he would do a mean thing, and yet not succeed in his deception; he would admit a previous fault and gain no absolution by a calculated and interested confession.
He could not bring himself to it. His manner to the child was as carelessly kind as ever; and when Sibylla was there the carelessness was almost more apparent than the kindness. Grantley"s nature was against him; to do violence to it was a struggle. Ever ready to be kind, he disliked to show emotion. He felt it was being false to himself; being a sham and a hypocrite. To be gushing was abhorrent to him; to pretend to gush surely touched a more profound depth? His efforts achieved no success; and he did not let Sibylla perceive even the efforts themselves. For once his will, strong as it was, and his clear perception were both powerless before his temper and the instincts of his nature. The result was a deadlock. Matters could not move.
Such was the juncture of affairs when Christine Fanshaw came to Milldean. Her resolve to escape from the atmosphere of disgrace at home perhaps alone could have brought her; for she came in some trepidation, rather surprised that Sibylla had welcomed her, wondering whether the welcome was of Sibylla"s own free will. Had she not betrayed Sibylla?
Was she not responsible for the frustration of the great plan? Yet an acute curiosity mingled with and almost overpowered her apprehensions, and she was prepared to defend herself. The rumours about Walter Blake would be a weapon, if she needed one--a weapon effective, if cruel. As regards her own treachery, she made haste to throw herself on Sibylla"s mercy.
"Of course you must have known it was through me?" she ended.
"Oh, yes, I knew that, of course."
"Here"s your letter--the one you sent me to hand on to Grantley. He wired me not to send it."
"Oh, I thought he"d read it," said Sibylla thoughtfully.
She took it and put it in her pocket.
Christine looked at her with a smile.
"And yet you ask me to stay!" she remarked.
Sibylla smiled mockingly.
"Since this household owes all its happiness to you, it"s only fair that you should come and look on at it."
"That"s not at all a comfortable thing to say, Sibylla."
"No, it isn"t, and it departs from our principle, which is to say nothing."
"That"s not always very comfortable either."
Christine was giving a thought to her own affairs here.
"And we won"t say anything more about what you did," Sibylla went on.
"We won"t discuss whether you were right, or whether I"m grateful, or anything of that sort."
"You ought to be."
"Or even whether I ought to be--though, of course, you"d want to think that."
Christine was disappointed. In her heart she had rather hoped to be put on her defence just enough to ent.i.tle her to use her weapon, and to tell some of the truth about Walter Blake. Sibylla"s att.i.tude gave her no excuse.
Though she would say nothing more about what Christine had done, Sibylla was easily persuaded to break the principle of silence about the main affair. Christine"s curiosity lost the zest of difficult satisfaction; she had the whole history for the asking. She heard it, marvelling at the want of reticence her friend displayed, seeking how to reconcile this seeming immodesty with the rest of her impression of Sibylla. She recollected being very shy and ashamed (in the midst of her exultation) when she had let Harriet Courtland worm out the secret of her love for Caylesham. Sibylla was not ashamed--she was candid. Sometimes she was excited, sometimes she played the judge; but she was never abashed.
Christine"s wits sought hard for an explanation of this. Suddenly it came to her as she gazed on Sibylla"s pure face and far-away eyes.
"My dear, you were never in love with him!" she cried.
If she hoped to surprise, or even to win a compliment on her penetration, she was utterly deceived.
"Oh, no!" said Sibylla. "In the way you mean I"ve never been in love with anybody except Grantley."
"Then why did you? Oh, tell me about it!" Christine implored.
"He appealed to my better feelings," Sibylla smiled back to her, mocking again. "I"d give the world that we hadn"t been stopped! No, I can"t say that, because----"
"Well?"
"I think Grantley would have done what he said."
Christine was the last woman in the world to rest ignorant of what Grantley had said. Sibylla was again disappointingly ready to tell the whole thing without any pressure worth mentioning.
"And you really believe he would have?" Christine half whispered when she had heard the story.
"If I didn"t believe it with my whole heart, I shouldn"t be here. I should be--well, somewhere--with Walter Blake."
"Thank G.o.d you"re not!"
"Why do you say that? The proprieties, Christine?"
"Oh, only partly; but don"t you think lightly of them, all the same. And the rest of the reasons don"t matter." Christine got up and walked across the room and back again before she came to a stand opposite Sibylla. "I call that a man worth being in love with," she said.
"Walter?"
"Heavens, no! Grantley Imason! Oh, I know he"s your husband! But still----"
Sibylla broke into a gentle laugh.