She faced the punishment with her usual courage and her unfailing humour. There was open irony in the minuteness with which she catalogued her day"s doings; she did not sit down, but stood on the other side of his writing-table, upright, and with her hands actually behind her--because she liked the schoolgirl parallel which Caylesham had drawn. John saw the humour and felt the irony, but he was helpless. She did what she was told; he could not control the manner in which she did it.
"And then I walked home--yes, walked. Didn"t take a bus, or a tram, or a steam-engine. I just walked on my two legs, going about three miles an hour, and oh, yes, taking one wrong turn, which makes me five minutes later than I ought to be. Quite a respectable turn--just out of the way, that"s all. May I go and get myself some tea?"
He did so want to tell her about the successes in the City. And in fact he admired the courage and liked the irony. They were her own, and of her. Doing justice was very hard, with that provoking dainty face at once resenting and mocking at it. But justice must be done; his grievance should not be belittled.
"I"m not stopping you getting yourself tea. Is it a crime to ask where my wife"s been?"
"It"s mere prudence, I"m sure. Only what makes you think I should tell you the truth?"
She had her tea now--a second tea--and was sipping it leisurely.
"At any rate I know your account, and if I heard anything different----"
"That"s the method? I see." Her tone softened. "Don"t let"s quarrel.
What"s the good? Had a good day in the City?"
"Just like other days," grunted John.
"Nothing particular?"
"No."
"There never is now, is there?"
He made no answer. Opening the evening paper, he began to read it.
Christine knew what that meant. Saving what was unavoidable, he would talk no more to her that evening.
The wound to her vanity, her thwarted affection, her sense of the absurdity of such a way of living together, all combined to urge her to take Caylesham"s view of the position, and to act upon it--to make the one reply, the one defence, which was open to her. The very words which she would use came into her mind as she sat opposite to John at dinner.
Living on Caylesham"s generosity--it would be scarcely an exaggeration to say that. And from what motive came the bounty? It would not be hard to find words--stinging words--to define that. John could have no answer to them; they must shame him to the soul. At every sullen short word, at every obstinate punitive silence, the temptation grew upon her. Knowing that she knew all, how could he have the effrontery to behave in this fashion? She steeled herself to the fight, she was ready for it by the time dinner was done and they were left alone, John sitting in glum muteness as he drank his port, Christine in her smart evening frock, displaying a prettiness which won no approving glances now. It was insufferable--she would do it!
Ah, but poor old John! He had been through so many worries, he had so narrowly escaped dire calamity. He had been forced into a position so terrible. And they had been through so many things together; they had been comrades in fair and foul weather. What would be the look in his eyes when he heard that taunt from her? He would say little, since there would be little to say--but he would give her a look of such hopeless fierce misery. No; in the end she was responsible for the thing, and she must bear the burden of it. Caylesham"s view might be the man"s view, perhaps the right view for a man to take. It could not be the woman"s; the wife was not justified in looking at it like that. No, she couldn"t do it.
But neither could she go on living like this. Her eyes rested thoughtfully on him. He was looking tired and old. Poor old John! He wanted livening up, some merriment, a little playful petting to which he might respond in his roughly jocose, affectionately homely fashion--with his "old girl" and "old lady" and so on. He never called her "old girl"
now. Would she hate it as much now? She longed for it extraordinarily, since it would mark happiness and forgetfulness in him. But it seemed as if she would never hear it again. Suddenly she broke out with a pa.s.sionate question:
"Are we to live like this always?"
He did not seem startled; he answered slowly and ponderously; "What have you to complain of? Do I say anything? Do I reproach you? Have I made a row? Look at what I might have done! Some people would think you were very lucky."
"It makes you miserable as well as me."
"You should have thought of all that before."
He took out a cigar and lit it, then turned his chair half-way round from the table, and began to read his paper again. Christine could not bear it; she began to sob softly. He took no visible notice of her; his eyes were fixed on a paragraph and he was reading it over and over again, not following in the least what it meant. She rose and walked towards the door; he remained motionless. She came back towards him in a hesitating way.
"I want to speak to you," she said, choking down her sobs and regaining composure.
He looked up now. There was fear in his eyes, a hunted look which went to her heart. At the least invitation she would have thrown herself on her knees by him and sought every means to comfort him. She was thinking only of him now, and had forgotten Caylesham"s gay attractiveness. And in face of that look in his eyes she could not say a word about Caylesham"s money.
"I"m going away for a little while, John. I"m going to ask Sibylla to let me come down to Milldean for a bit."
"What do you want to go away for?"
"A change of air," she answered, smiling derisively. "I can"t bear this, you know. It"s intolerable--and it"s absurd."
"Am I to blame for it?"
"I"m not talking about who"s to blame. But I must go away."
"How long do you want to stay away?"
"Till you want me back--till you ask me to come back." He looked at her questioningly. "It must be one thing or the other," she went on.
"It"s for me to decide what it shall be."
"Yes; which of the two possible things. It"s for you to decide that. But this state of things isn"t possible. If you don"t want me back, well, we must make arrangements. If you ask me to come back, you"ll mean that you want to forget all this wretchedness and be really friends." Her feeling broke out. "Yes, friends again," she repeated, holding her arms out towards him.
"You seem to think things are very easily forgotten," he growled.
"G.o.d knows I don"t think so," she said. "Do you really think that"s what I"ve learnt from life, John?"
"At any rate I"ve got to forget them pretty easily!"
She would not trust herself to argue lest in the heat of contention that one forbidden weapon should leap into her hand.
"We can neither of us forget. But there"s another thing," she said.
He would not give up his idea, his theory of what she deserved and of what morality demanded.
"You may go for a visit. I shall expect you back in two or three weeks."
"Not back to this," she insisted.
He shrugged his shoulders and held the paper up between them.
"If you don"t want me back, well, I shall understand that. But I shan"t come back to this." She walked to the door, and looked back; she could not see his face for the paper. She made a little despairing movement with her hands, but turned away again without saying more, and stole quietly out of the room.
John Fanshaw dashed his paper to the ground and sprang to his feet. He gave a long sigh. He had been in mortal terror--he thought she was going to talk about the money. That peril was past. He flung his hardly lighted cigar into the grate and walked up and down the room in a frenzy of unhappiness. Yes, that peril was past--she had said nothing. But he knew it was in her heart; and he knew how it must appear to her.
Heavens, did it not appear like that to him? But she should never know that he felt like that about it. That would be to give up his grievance, to abandon his superiority, to admit that there was little or nothing to choose between them,--between her, the sinner, and him, who profited by the sin, whose salvation the sin had been, who knew it had been his salvation and had accepted salvation from it. No, no; he must never acknowledge that. He must stick to his position. It was monstrous to think he would own that his guilt was comparable to hers.
He sank back into his chair again and looked round the empty room. He thought of Christine upstairs, alone too. What a state of things! "Why did she? My G.o.d, why did she?" he muttered, and then fell to lashing himself once more into a useless fury, p.r.i.c.king his anger lest it should sleep, setting imagination to work on recollection, torturing himself, living again through the time of her treachery, elaborating all his grievance--lest by chance she should seem less of a sinner than before, lest by chance his own act should loom too large, lest by chance he might be weak and open his heart and find forgiveness for his wife and comrade.
"By G.o.d, she had no excuse!" he muttered, striking the table with his fist. "And I--why, the thing was settled before I knew. It was settled, I say!" Then he thought that if things went on doing well he would be able to pay Caylesham sooner than the letter of his bond demanded. Then, when he had paid Caylesham off--ah, then the superiority would be in no danger, there would be no taunt to fear. Why, yes, he would pay Caylesham off quite soon. Because things were going so well. Now to-day, in the City, what a stroke he had made! If he were to tell Christine that----! For a moment he smiled, thinking how she would pat his cheek and say, "Clever old John!" in her pretty half-derisive way; how she would----
He broke off with a groan. No; by heaven, he"d tell her nothing. His life was nothing to her--thanks to what she"d done--to what she had done. Oh, he did well to be angry!--Even to think of what she had done----!
So he struggled, lest perchance forgiveness and comradeship should win the day.