In the end, we slept, I curled up on the floor, Christie huddled in her bed, back toward me, curled in on herself, head down in the vague shadows between her body and the wall. I lay awake for a while, trying to think about the whole d.a.m.ned business, trying to convince myself, G.o.d d.a.m.n it, that it mattered.
When I awoke, however many hours later, Christie was on the floor beside me, asleep, not touching me, head on one corner of the folded-up blanket I was using for a pillow.
Lisa never did that. Lisa always had to touch me while we slept together, sometimes huddling against my back, other times insisting that I curl myself around her like a protective sh.e.l.l. I remember when we were very young and new to each other, how I used to wake up sometimes to find her breathing right in my face.
Breathing in each other"s breath, I used to call it. As intimate a thing as I could possibly imagine.
So, awakening, breakfasted, we got in the halftrack and went back down to Waxsea beach, where the fairy tales of science were waiting after all.
I don"t know what made me stop the halftrack up on the terminal scarp. Maybe just some... sense of impending something. Maybe just a longing for the view. Christie stared at me for a second or two when I told her to get out, Stirlings vibrating the frame below us, idling down in the track trucks. Then she nodded, folded her helmet over her face, pressurized the suit, wrinkly off-white skin suddenly growing stiff and shiny, obliterating her shape.
When the depress valve had woofed, when I could see her out the c.o.c.kpit window, I had a sudden memory of an old TV commercial from the retrofad going on when I was in grammar school. Pillsbury Doughboy.
Doughboy. Funny. Wonder if those long-dead copywriters imagined him with a tin-plate helmet and bayoneted Enfield, marching upright and stalwart into the machinegun fire of No Man"s Land.
I think she was relieved when I joined her on the surface, no way to tell through the suit visor, just those same eyes, with their same expression, a pasted-on affect of surprise, fear, resentment. But she followed me to the edge of the cliff, where we stopped, and I let her get behind me, image of the ice axe fresh enough, hardly mattering.
And, of course, there was the cliff. One hard shove and I"d float on down to... I don"t know. Gravity here"s low enough I might survive the fall, given that two bar atmosphere, but... would my suit?
I imagined myself exploding like a bomb.
Overhead, the sky stretched away toward the absent horizon like a buckled red blanket, crumpled clouds of coa.r.s.e wool, dented here, there, everywhere with purple-shadowed hollows, little holes into nothingness.
Down on the silvery beach, the instrument platform was ringed by motionless blobs, each ring a single color, blue, green, red, violet, working their way outward from the hardware.
Christie grunted, "Never saw that before." Radio made it seem like she was inside my suit, pressed up against my back, chin on my shoulder, speaking into my ear.
If you looked closely, you could see the blobs were connected by thin strands, monochrome along the rings, blended between. Slowly, one of the blobs extended a pseudopod toward the platform. That"s right. In a minute, it"ll blacken and curl, shriveling in on itself until the parent blob goes belly up and sinks out of sight. Will the ring close up then, each soldier in that row taking one easy step, forward into an empty s.p.a.ce, like Greeks in a phalanx?
Christie said, "I wonder why they do it?"
Inviting certain death in the pursuit of knowledge?
Good question.
The pseudopod slowed as it came close, flattening, widening, forming a sort of two-dimensional cup on its end, a cup that drifted slowly back and forth, arcing along the surface, a few centimeters out. After a moment, beads of yellow began forming at the cup"s focus, detaching, speeding back up the pseudopod to the parent blob. From there, they replicated, spreading around the ring, then outward.
I said, "Think they know we"re here?"
The first blob withdrew its pseudopod, while the next one in line extended an identical... instrument? Is that the right word? Examining the next section of the platform"s heat shield.
Christie said, "I don"t know. Their radio sensitivity"s not that great. I always have to turn the carrier wave full blast to get their attention."
I turned away, stepping back the way we"d come. "I guess we should just go on down and..."
Not sure what I was going to suggest. Christie gasped and put out a hand, gripping my forearm hard enough that my suit was compressed, forcing the liner up against my skin, feeling like cold, damp plastic, making me shiver slightly.
When I looked back, down on the beach, the rings had broken up, blobs perfectly spherical now, appearing and disappearing in the cracked ice, like colored ping-pong b.a.l.l.s bobbing in a tub of water. Bobbing in unison.
One, two, three...
They exploded like so many silver raindrops, reaching out for one another, merging, spreading like a cartoon tide, until the beach below was a solid silver mirror filling the s.p.a.ce between the cliff, the sea, the instrument package, reflecting a slightly hazy image of the red sky above, complete with streamers of golden light coming through little rents and tears, picking out the drifting s...o...b..nks like dustmotes on a lazy summer afternoon.
Somewhere overhead, I saw, there was a tiny fragment of rainbow floating in the sky.
The image in the mirror grew dark, dimming slowly, as though night were falling, though the real sky hung above us unchanged, streamers of light tarnishing, red becoming orange then brown, bruise blue, then indigo, almost black.
Almost, for freckles of silver remained.
Freckles of silver in a peculiarly familiar pattern, bits of light cl.u.s.tered here and there, gathering to a diagonal band across the middle and...
Christie"s gasp made me imagine warmth in my ear as she recognized it a fraction of a second before I did. Well, of course. She"d seen the real thing a lot more recently than I had.
The stars dimmed, Milky Way becoming just a dusty, dusky suggestion of itself.
Christie"s voice: "How? How could they see..."
A bright silver light popped up in the center of the starfield, circled by dimmer lights, some brighter than others, most white, some colored, this one blue, that one red.
Tiny bright beads began flying from the blue light, swinging by orange Jupiter, heading for yellow Saturn, some stopping there, others flying on, disappearing from the scene.
In a row across the bottom of the image, bottom being the side facing us, flat, near-schematic representations of s.p.a.cecraft appeared, matching each tiny bead as it flew. Little Pioneer. The Voyagers. Ca.s.sini and Huygens...
Voice no more than a hushed whisper, Christie said, "I wonder how long they knew? Why they waited so long and... why me?"
If they knew about Pioneer, then they knew about us when my father was a little boy, my grandfather a young man, reveling in the deeds of s.p.a.ce, imagining himself in the future, still young, strong, alive, and happy.
Down on the beach, the solar system faded, leaving the hint of starfields behind; then, like a light winking on, blue Earth appeared, oceans covered by rifted clouds, continents picked out in shades of ocher, hard to recognize, circled by a little gray Moon.
I could feel Christie"s hand tighten on my shoulder, knowing what was coming.
There. The asteroid. The brilliant violet light of the hydrogen bombs. The spreading of the fragments. The impacts. The red glow of magma. The spreading brown clouds.
I wondered briefly if they"d had something to do with the rock coming our way. No. That"s just an old story thing, pale imagination left in my head when I was a child.
One of those d.a.m.ned things we teach our children because we don"t know what"s real. Don"t know and don"t care.
Somewhere in my head, a badly fueled story generator supplied images of what would come next. Down on the beach, the image of a tentacled alien would form. Something not human, but within the reach of terrestrial evolution, would stretch out a suckered paw, inviting.
Take me to your leader.
What was I remembering?
"The Gentle Vultures"?
Maybe so.
Down on the beach, the end of the world faded, replaced by a white disk, wrinkled in concentric rings. It tipped around, as if in 3D motion, showing us complex mechanisms, considerable mechanical detail, obvious control systems.
I said, "Fresnel lenses."
Christie said, "They could see though the clouds with that, if they could build it for real. See the sun, the larger planets, the brighter stars, as patches of heat in their sky. But..."
The infrared telescope was replaced by an image of t.i.tan, recognizable by the topography of Terra Noursae, t.i.tan stripped of its clouds. The image rotated, showing the Waxsea hemisphere, Waxsea bearing interconnected concentric rings, some gigantic version of the array we"d first come upon here.
Christie said, "Long baseline interferometer. With enough computation..."
If they could build it.
Nucleosynthesis?
I said, "How do you distinguish between a life process and a technology?"
Christie said, "Oh," sounding surprised.
Imagination builds nothing. Not even the knowledge of how to build. Not unless you can somehow project it into the real world.
Down on the beach, another image formed, a fantastically detailed portrait of the cosmodrome, showing the two landers upright on their pads. On the ridge above, tiny blue t.i.tanians waited at a safe distance, ominous, like Indians looming above the ambush, foolish cavalry waiting in the defile.
A blue sphere rolled down, making for the little ships. I waited for them to be spun down, like tenpins before the ball.
It rolled to a stop, not far from the ships. Tiny, s.p.a.cesuited humans connected a blue thread to the ball, to the ships. The ball shrank away to nothing. The ships took off, unrolling red flame as they climbed through an orange overcast and were gone.
Behind them, the base and cosmodrome disappeared, one component at a time, leaving an empty landscape behind.
Christie sighed in my headphones.
Just one more all-too-familiar fairy tale, that"s all.
Below, the silver screen cleared again, reforming as faint stars against velvet dark, surmounted by a slow-moving orrery of the solar system. Beads of light moved from Saturn to blue Earth-brown, I thought. They should"ve made it brown.
The sky stood empty. Christie said, "I guess..."
I whispered, "Sending us home to die then?"
Another bead appeared, crossing from Earth to Saturn, then going home again. Then again. Then again. More beads, this time from Saturn to Neptune. After a while, the voyages began a three-way trip, Saturn, Neptune, Earth.
What"s at Neptune?
Triton, of course.
I remembered how much I"d always wanted to go there, almost willing to abandon Lisa just so I could see diaphanous geysers rising against a deep blue world, out on the edge of the infinite.
Christie seemed somehow hollow, as if she were speaking from the depths of a dream. "They send us home to the Moon. Help us to survive with trade and... I..." She stopped.
What are you thinking about, Christie? That you might see the atmospheres of the gas giants after all? Is that it?
She said, "We could never mine tritium from the atmosphere of Jupiter, where it"s free for the taking. Not in that radiation environment. Not anytime soon."
Tritium. Out of the depths of the past, I suddenly remember the Daedalus designs, so long forgotten.
She said, "Even out here at Saturn, there"s a deep gravity well to contend with. And the collision danger from equatorial ringplane debris spiraling in. Neptune..."
Low-density gas giant with all the tritium we might want. And a big icemoon for the t.i.tanians to...
A myriad of bright sparks suddenly emerged from the Earth, moving not toward another planet, but receding into the background sky, sky whose stars grew bright again, while the fleet of sparks grew smaller and smaller, until it merged with an unremarkable pattern of stars.
Christie muttered, "Something in Pavo, I think. I was never very good with the lesser constellations."
Delta Pavonis?
Is there a planet there? A planet just like the one we lost?
I said, "You think their technology"s that good?"
She looked up at me, still nothing more than big eyes looking out through scratched, foggy plastic. "Maybe not. Not out here in the ice and cold. But put together with ours..."
Maybe so.
I said, "I guess the decision wasn"t ours to make after all."
I awoke in the middle of the night, opening my eyes on darkness defiled by blue light from the instrument panels, perched on the edge of the bunk, curled inward, shadow of my head, shadow of tousled hair cast on the habitat wall. Christie was bunched into the s.p.a.ce between my body and the wall, curled in on herself, the two of us damp and soft against one another, sharing some soft old blanket.
Somewhere outside, a new day is dawning.
Some time during that day we"ll have to make our decision, get in the halftrack, go on back to base and...
What will happen?
Oh, nonsense. The fantasy we"ve just been through was no better than one more iteration of White Man"s Burden.
The decision"s been made. Not by us.
All we have to do is carry out our part, speak our lines according to the script.
Lights. Camera. Action.
Fade to black.
If I held still, paid attention, I could feel Christie"s back against my chest, moving slowly in and out as she breathed, pausing briefly before reversing direction. Asleep, I guess. I tried hard to remember what Lisa"d felt like sleeping against me.
Faded and gone, like just about everything else.
I listened for the soft sound of breath coming and going through what I imagined would be an open mouth, hollow breathing like the ghost of a snore, but the sounds of t.i.tan coming through the habitat wall blotted it out. Sighing wind close by. A large wind farther away, moaning in the hills. Tidal creak of the deep crustal ice coming to us through the floor.