TheJaguarsalesmantoldmeabouttheJaguarXJ220.MadeinBloxham,nearBanbury,hesaid.Only350ofthembuilt,costing480,000each.
"Each?"Irepeated."Fourhundredandeightythousandpoundseach?"
DidIwanttoorderone?
"No,"Isaid.
"Justaswell.They"reallsold."
IwonderedifitwereIwhowa.s.surrealandwhethermyconcussionwasworsethanIsuspected.
"Actually,"thesalesmansaid,IcametoseeifyourXJScouldbesalvaged."
"Andcanit?"
Shakinghishead,helookedwithregretatthewhole-lookingwhiterearendofmyprideandjoy."Imightfindyouanotheronelikeit.Thatsameyear.Advertiseforone,secondhand.Andthey"restillinproduction.Icouldgetyouanewone."
Ishookmyhead.I"llletyouknow."
Iwouldn"tseekatwin,Ithought.Lifehadchanged.Iwaschanging.Iwouldbuyadifferentcar.
Theflockofnotebooksreturnedtotheirvehiclesanddroveaway,leavingonlytheworkmanlikevanofthesafecrackerbesidethewreckonthetarmac.Iwentintocheckonhisprogressandroundmysafedooropenbutminusitslockmechanism,whichlaybentonthefloor.
Wediscussedthepossibilityofmendingthesafebutheadvisedmetotaketheinsurancemoneyandbuyanewerandbettermodelwhichhewouldbehappytosellme.Itwouldnot,hea.s.suredme,havealockthatcouldbea.s.saultedbyanaxe.
Hewentouttothevanforapamphletwithill.u.s.trationsandanorderform,andIsignedmynameagain.Heshookmyhand.Heaskedmetocheckthatthecontentsoftheoldsafewereuntouchedand,whenI"ddonethat,tosignhisworksheet.Isigned.
Whenhe"dgone,Iretrievedthepacketofmoneyandthebackupfloppydisksandwentintothekitchentophonethecomputerwizard.Sure,heagreed,bringthedisksinforachecka.s.soonasIliked;hewouldbeinhisworkshopallafternoonandwouldwashMichelangelooutofmyhairwithhislittlevirusscrubbers.Didallcomputerwizardstalklikethat,Iwondered?
"Great,"Isaid.
Imadecoffeeanddrankitandthoughtabit,andafterawhiletelephonedthelocalCustomsandExciseoffice.
IexplainedwhoIwas.Theyknewofme,theysaid.IexplainedthatasmyhorseboxeswentfairlyregularlyacrosstheChannel,Iwantedanup-to-datelistofwhatcouldandcouldnotbecarriedinthem,inviewoftheever-changingEuropeanregulations.Mydriverswereconfused,Isaid.
Ah,theysaidunderstandingly.Theydidn"tthemselvesdealwithimportandexport,butmostlywithtax.IfIwantedtheup-to-the-minutegenoninternationalmovementofgoodsIwouldneedtoseetheirSingleMarketLiaisonOfficerintheregionaloffice.
"Whichregionaloffice?"Iasked.
"Southampton,"theysaid.
Ialmostlaughed.Theyenlarged.TheSouthamptonregionalofficewasactuallyinPortsmouth.TheSingleMarketLiaisonOfficertherewouldanswerallmyquestionsandgivemethelatestcopyoftheSingleMarketreport.IfIwantedtogothereinperson,theysuggestedIshouldarrivewellbeforefouro"clock.ItwasFriday,theyexplained.
Ithankedthemandlookedatmywatch.Plentyoftime.IdrovetoNewbury,shoppedforaweek"sfoodandranthewizardtoearthinhisworkshop,whichprovedtobeasmallishroomhalflinedwithlargebrowncardboardboxesbearingwordslike"Fragile"or"ThiswayupALWAYS".Abusydeskborepilesofpapers-letters,invoices,pamphlets-helddownbypublichouseashtraysusedaspaperweights.Ceiling-highbookshelvessupportedinstructionmanualsandcataloguesbythescore.Plastic-coveredleadssnakedeverywhere.Atablealongonewallboreakeyboard,twoorthreecomputers,alaserprinterandalivecolourmonitorshowingabrightrowofminiatureplayingcardsapparentlyhalfwaythroughagameofpatience.
"Blackjackonredqueen,"Isaid,looking.
"Yeah."Hegrinned,ranhishandthroughhishair,andwithamousemovedthecardsaroundonthescreen."It"snotcomingout,"heobserved,andswitcheditalloff."Didyoubringyourdisks?"
Ihandedthemtohiminanenvelope."Therearefour,"Isaid."AnewoneforeachcalendaryearsinceItookoverthebusiness."
Henodded."I"llstartwiththelatest."Hefeditintoadriveslotinoneofthecomputersonthetableandcalledupontothemonitorthedirectoryofthefilesstoredforthecurrentyear.
Mutteringunderhisbreathhepressedaseriesofkeysonthekeyboardandinawhilethescreenwasflickeringrapidlywithlettersandnumbersashescannedmydiskfordeadlystrangers.
Lonerangers,Ithought.Alienseverywhere.
"Thereweare,"hesaid,whentheflickeringsteadiedtoasinglemessage."Scancomplete.Novirusfound."Hegrinnedatme."NoMichelangelo.You"resafe."
"That"s...er...rathermorethanextremelyinteresting,"Isaid.
"How?"
"Iusedthedisklasttoback-uptheworkenteredonthemainofficecomputeraweekagoyesterday,"Isaid.ThatwasMarch3rd."
Hiseyessavouredtheknowledge.
"OnMarch3rd,then,"hesaid,"I"dsaytherewasnoMichelangeloinyouroffice.Right?"
"Right."
"Soyoucaught.i.tontheFridayorSat.u.r.day..."Hepondered.Askyoursecretariesiftheyfedanyoneelse"sdisksintoyourmachine.Say,forinstance,someonelentthemagamedisk,likethepatiencegame,whichnooneshoulddo,really,it"saninfringementofcopyright,butsaytheydid,well,Michelangelocouldhavebeenlurkinginthegamediskanditwouldleapacrosstoyourmachineinstantly."
"Themonitorintheofficeisblack-and-white,"Isaid.
"Kidswouldplaypatienceinblack-and-white,"hereplied."LikeNintendo.Noproblem.Didyouhaveanykidsintheoffice?"
"Isobel"sbrother,Paul,"Isaid,rememberinghisnameonthelist."He"sfifteen.Alwayscadgingmoneyfromhissister."
"Askhim,then.I"llbetthat"swhereyourtroublelies."
"Thankyouverymuch."
"Imayaswellscanyourotherdisks,justtobesafe."Hefedthethreeothersthroughthescanningprocess,allwithnilresults."Thereyouare,then.Atpresentthey"reclean.But,likeIsaid,youhavetopatrolyourdefencesallthetime."
Ithankedhimandpaidhim,tookmycleandisksouttothecarandsetoffonthedrivesouthtoPortsmouth,givingSouthamptonDocksawideberth.
CustomsandExcisewerefortunatelyhelpful,extendingtheimpressionthattalkingtothegeneralpublicmadeachangefromregularbureaucracy.Thenear-topmanIwasfinallysteeredto,whointroducedhimselfbrieflyas"Collins",offeredmeaseat,acupofteaandawillingexpression.Anofficearoundus:desk,greenplant,second-generationScandinaviandecor.
"Whatmayyourdriverscarryandwhatmaytheynot?"Collinsrepeated.
"Yes,"Isaid.
"Yes.Asyouknow,it"salldifferentfromtheoldcut-and-drieddays."
"Mm."
"We"repositivelyforbiddentomakespotchecksonanythingcominginfromtheEC."Hepaused."EuropeanCommunity,"hesaid.
"Mm."
"Evendrugs."Hespreadhishandsinwhatlookedlikealongstandingfrustration."Wecanact-search-onlyonspecificinformation.Thestufffloodsin,I"venodoubt,butwecan"tdoanythingabout.i.t.CustomschecksongoodsarenowallowedonlyatthepointofentryintotheCommunity.Onceinside,movementisfree."
"Iexpect.i.tsavesalotofpaperwork,"Isaid.
"Tonsofit.Hundredsoftons.Sixtymillionfewerforms."Theplussidelightenedhisscowl."Savestimetoo,savesdaysandmonths."Hesearchedbrieflyforabooklet,founditandslidittowardsmeacrosshisdesk."Mostofthepresentregulationsarelistedinthere.There"sverylittlerestrictiononalcohol,tobaccoandpersonalgoods.Onedaythere"llbenone.Butofcoursethere"llstillbedutyandrestrictionsofgoodsenteringfromoutsidetheEC."
Ipickedupthebookletandthankedhim.
"WespendagooddealofourtimejugglingwithVAT,"hesaid."Differentrates,yousee,indifferentECcountries."
"Iwaswondering,"Imurmured,"whatonemaystillnotbringintothiscountryfromEurope,and...er...whatonemaynottakeout."
Hiseyebrowsrose."Nottakeout?
"Anythingthatdoesn"thavefreemovement."
Hepursedhislips."Somethingsneedlicences?hesaid."Areyourdriversbreakingthelaw?"
"Icametofindout."
Hisinterestsharpenedasifhe"dsuddenlyrealisedIwastherefrommorethannormalcuriosity.
"YourhorseboxescomeandgothroughPortsmouth,don"tthey?"
"Sometimes."
"Andthey"reneversearched."
"No."
"Andyouhavethenecessarypermissions,ofcourse,tomoveliveanimalsacrosstheChannel."
"Allthat"sdoneforusbyaspecialistfirm."
Henodded.Hethought."Isupposeifyourboxescarriedotheranimalsthanhorses,we"dneverknow.Yourdrivershaven"tbeenbringingincatsordogs,havethey?"Hisvoicewascensoriousandalarmed."Wemaintainthequarantinelaws,ofcourse.Thethreatofrabiesisalwayswithus."
Isaidcalmingly,"I"veneverheardofthembringingincatsordogs,andiftheyhaditwouldbecommonknowledgeinmyvillage,wherenewstravelsfasterthanlightning."
Herelaxedslightly;afortyishmanwithrecedinghairandwhitecarefulhands.
Asamatteroffact,"hesaid,"thankstovaccines,noonehasdiedofrabiescontractedinEuropeforthepastthirtyyears,butwestilldon"twantthediseasehere."
"Um,"Isaid,"whatdoyouneedalicencefor?"
"Dozensofthings.Fromyourpointofview,Isupposeveterinarymedicineswouldbeinteresting.You"dneedtogetaseparatelicenceforeachmovement,aTherapeuticSubstancelicencefromtheMinistryof.a.gricultureandFisheriesVeterinaryMedicinesDirectorate.b.u.t.therewouldbenocheckonthesubstancehereonentrythroughPortsmouth.EnforcementoflicensingwouldbeamatterforMAFFitself."
MAFF?Oh,Ministryof.a.griculture,FisheriesandFood.ShadesofJogger.
"Well,"Isaid,"whatelseisn"tonesupposedtobringinandout?"
"Guns,"hesaid."Therearestillexitchecks,ofcourse,forfirearmsinbaggageatairports.Noimportcheckshere.Youcouldbringinahorseboxfulofguns,andwe"dneverknow.SmugglingintheoldsensehasvanishedwithintheEC."
"Soitseems."
"Thereareintellectualpropertyrights,"hesaid."That"sabouttheinfringementofexistingpatentsbetweenmemberstates."
"Idon"tthinkmydriversareintointellectualpropertyrights."
Hesmiledbriefly,aquickmovementoflips."I"mafraidIhaven"tbeenofmuchhelp."
"Indeedyou"vebeenmostkind,"Ia.s.suredhim,risingtogo."Negativeresultsareoftenashelpfulaspositive."
Ithought,however,asIdrovebacktoPixhillwiththeSingleMarketbookletontheseatbesideme,thatIwasasfaraseverfromunderstandingwhyanyoneshouldneedorwanttofixhiding-placesundermylorries.Ifsmugglingwasout,whatweretheyfor?
AthomeIsatinmypoorgreenleatherchairwiththestuffingcomingoutoftheaxe-holesandonebyonefedmycleandisksandtheirinformationintomynewcomputer.Then,feelingrustyandallthumbsandimpatienttobeginmylessonswiththewizard,Ilookedupmyoriginalcomputermanualsandworkedouthowtoorganiseallthedatanowinsidethemachineintovariouscategories,bothchronologicalandgeographic.
Istudiedinturneachdriver"sworkoverthepastthreeyears,lookingforIknewnotwhat.Apattern?Somethingworthdestroyingmyrecordsfor,ifthatshouldhappennottobetheworkofIsobel"sbrother.Itendedtodoubt.i.twasPaul"sdoingas,first,hewasmoreidlethanbrightand,second,Isobelwouldneverlethimplaygamesintheoffice.
ThepatternsIwaslookingforweredefinitelythere,b.u.t.toldmenothingIdidn"tknow.Eachdriverwentmostoftentotheracecoursesfavouredbythetrainerstheymostlydrovefor.Lewis,forinstance,drovemostregularlyeachsummertoNewbury,Sandown,Goodwood,Epsom,SalisburyandNewmarket,MichaelWatermead"spreferredprestigiousdestinations.AtothertimeshewentwhereBenjyUshersenthisjumpers,Lingfield,Fontwell,Chepstow,Cheltenham,WarwickandWorcester.MostofhisoverseasjourneyshadbeenforMichael,alltoItaly,IrelandorFrance.
AlthoughtherewashorseracingalloverEurope,Britishtrainersrarelysenthorsesanywherebut.i.taly,IrelandandFrance.OftenBritishrunnerstravelledbyair(andhadtobetakentotheairports),butMichaelmuchpreferredtogoallthewaybyroad;allthebetterforme.
Nigelhadmadethemostoverseasjourneys,b.u.t.thatwasmydoing,owingtohislong-distancestamina.Harvehadmadefew,bothmychoiceandhis.Davehadmadedozensasreliefdriverandhorse-handler,oftenwithbroodmaresratherthanracers.
Allinall,thecategorieswereinformativeb.u.t.toldmenothingsurprising,andafteraboutanhourIswitchedoff,aspuzzledasever.
IphonedNina,reckoningshewouldbeinherhorseboxonthewaybackfromLingfield,andsheansweredimmediately.
"PhonemewhenyougettoPixhill,"Isaidbriefly.
"Willdo."
Endofconversation.
IphonedIsobelatherhome.Nothingunusualhadhappenedduringtheday"swork,shea.s.suredme.She"dtoldLewisthatNinawasfollowinghim,andalltheUsherhorseshadrunintherightracesatLingfield.AzizandDavehadarrivedinIrelandwiththeirmares.HarveandPhilhadeachtakenawinnertoWolverhampton,greatrejoicing.Noneoftheotherdrivershadhitsnags.
"Great,"Isaid."Um...yourbrotherPaul..."Ivetoldhimnottobothermeatwork."Shesoundedguiltilyapologetic.
"Yes,but,um,howishewithcomputers?"
"Computers?"
Iexplainedthewizard"sgame-virustheory.
"Oh,no,"shesaidpositively,"I"dneverlethimnearyourcomputerand,tobehonest,hewouldn"tknowhowtoloaddatainourmachine."
"You"resure?"