"Onecanloveone"soffspringandbeavillain."
"Youdon"tmeanit..."
"Yeah.AndIdon"tlikeit."
"Doyoumean...youcan"tmean...thatLewishadbeendeliberatelytryingtobringrabiesintoEngland?"
"No,notrabies,thankG.o.d.Justafeverthatmakeshorsestemporarilyill,b.u.t.takestheedgeofftheirspeedsodrasticallythattheydon"twinagain."
ItoldherthatJogger"sdeadnunhadbeenarabbit.
"Nun-rabbit-habit."Shesighed."Howdidyoufindout?"
"IaskedIsobelwhatJoggerfounddeadinthepit,andshetoldme."
"Sosimple!"
"ThenIlookedatthecomputerfilesforlastAugust,forthetimewhenIwasaway,andthereitwas.August10th.Joggerreportedadeadrabbitfellintothepitfromaboxhewa.s.servicing,anditwasonthedayafterLewisbroughtthatboxbackfromFrance."
Shefrowned,"b.u.t.thecomputerfileswerelost."
Itoldherabouttheback-upsinmysafe.
"Youdidn"ttellanyone!Youdidn"ttellme.Don"tyoutrustme?"
"Mostly,"Isaid.
Shewouldn"tmeetmyeyes.Isaid,"JoggertoldIsobeltherabbithadticksonitandsheputanoteaboutthatinthecomputer.Thecomputeralsolistseachbox"sjourneysindividually,andtwoofthoseboxesthathavehiddencontainers,Pat"sbox,thatyoudrove,andPhil"sbox,bothofthoseweredriventoFrancebyLewislastyear.Thisyearhe"sdrivingmynewestsuper-six,andittoo,asyoufound,hasacontainerunderit.Lastweekend,theWatermeadchildrenmissedoneoftheirtamerabbits,thatLewislooksafterforthem,cleaningtheirrunsandsoon,andalsolastweekendLewisdrovethesuper-sixtoFrance,andthisweekendahorsehasdiedinPixhillofatick-bornefever."
Shelistenedwideeyed,hermouthopening.Iwentoveritallagain,slowly,tellingheraboutBenjy"straininghabits,aboutLewis"sshornringlets,aboutPetermanandfinallyaboutGuggenheim.
Onceanoldhorsehadcomethroughthefeverstage,Isaid,hecouldlivewithticksonhimallsummer.Acontinualsourceofpotentialillnessforotherdesignatedrecipients.AnEhrlichiaefarm,infact.Aquickwipeoveranoldhorsewithawetbarofsoapand,withinanhour,awipeofthesamesoapontoanewhost.Tick-transfercompleted.Enoughofthetickswouldsurvive.Thetransfer,Isaidgloomily,mightevenhavebeendonebyLewiswhenhedrovetheunfortunatevictimstotheracesinmyboxes.
Whentheweathergrewcold,thetickswoulddie.Anewlothadtobebroughtinbyatemporaryhostforthenewyear,andthen,withoutmuchdelay,transferredtotheirnaturalhost,ahorse.Petermanhadn"tsurvivedit.
Whateverdoubtsshehadatthebeginning,theyhadgonebytheend.
Whenwefirstfoundthecontainers,"Isaid,"IbeggedJoggernottotalkaboutthem.Buthedid,ofcourse,downatthepubontheSat.u.r.daynight.Ireckonhe"dbeenthinkingalotaboutthem.Turningthemoverinhismind,I"dthinkherememberedtherabbit,whichmusthaveseemedtohimatthetimetoappearfromnowhere,andperhapshe"dworkedoutthat.i.tmighthavefallenoutofoneofthosecontainers,theoneunderwhatisnowPhil"sbox,becausethatcontainerhadlost.i.tsscrew-onend.Idon"tknowifanyoneunderstoodJoggerplainlyinthepub.Theymighthavedone.Anyway,inthemorningheleftmethemessage...andhetoldme,Joggertoldme...aboutrabbitsandticksandBenjyUsher"shorsethatdied."
Shewa.s.silentforawhileandthenasked,"WasitLewiswhowreckedyourcarandthehouse?"
"Idon"tknow.I"msurehewasoneofthepeoplewhodroppedmeintothewateratSouthampton.Theonewhosaid,"Ifthatdoesn"tgivehimflu,nothingwill."Hisvoicewashoa.r.s.ebecausehehadacold,andinmymemory,thatvoicereverberatedabit,asIwashalfunconscious,butyes,I"msurethatwashim.Whetherhehatesmeenoughfortherest...Idon"tknow."
"That"sawful."
"Mm."
"Sowhatnext?"
"Tomorrow,"Isaid,"Lewisisdrivingthesuper-sixtoMilan,inItaly,tofetchhomeoneofBenjyUsher"scolts,thathasad.i.c.kyleg.It"sathree-daytrip,mostlythroughFrance."
Shegrewstill.Thenshesaid,I"llgo.Haveparachute,willtravel."
"Idon"twantyoutodoanything,"Iexplained."Idon"twantyoutoalarmhim.Iwanthimtohaveeveryopportunitytopickupanotherrabbitfulofticks,becauseifalloflastweekend"scargowereonPetermanandhavediedwithhim,andifnootherhorsesareill,thenperhapsthisisachanceforthemtogetsomereplacements.Thoseticksarehighlyperishable,andalsohardtofind.I"dthinkthey"dneedsomemore.AllIwantyoutodoistonotewhereyougo.TherouteLewiswilltaketoItalyisdowntotheRhoneValley,whichiswherehewentlastweekendalso.HeshouldbegoingthroughtheMontBlanctunnelfromFrancetoItalybutifhetakesanotherroute,don"tremarkonit.Ifhewantstostopanywhereatall,lethimstop.Don"taskquestions.Agreetowhateverhesuggests.Noticenothing.Don"t.w.a.tchhim.Yawn,sleep,actdumb."
"Hewon"twantmewithhim,youknow."
"Iknowhethinksyoutireeasily.Sotire.Thistime,hemaybegladofit."
"Anddon"t,Isuppose,lookunderthebox?"
"No,don"t.Iftheplaceislitteredwithlettuceleavesandrabbitdroppings,ignoreit."
Shesmiled.
"Becareful,"Ibegged.I"dgomyself,exceptthatifIdid,nothingwouldhappen.AllIwanttoknowiswhereLewisgoes."
"Allright."
"Youdon"thaveto."
"Nordidmymother."
"Lewismightbejustasdangerous."
"Ipromise,"shesaidemphatically,"thatI"llbeasblindasabat."Shepaused."There"sonlyonething."
"What?"
"IwanttotellPatrickVenableswhereI"mgoing."
"Wouldhestopyou?"
"Probablytheopposite."
"Don"tlethimdoanything,"Isaidanxiously."Don"tlethimfrightenthemoff."MyinstinctwasagainsttheJockeyClubknowingtoomuch,toosoon,butperhapsalsoforthispossiblyriskymissionImightneedtheinsuranceofVenables"foreknowledge.
"Idon"twanttobeprosecuted,"shesaid,halfplayfully,"fortryington.o.bblehalfPixhill"sbestcolts."
"Youwon"tbe.I-"Istoppeddead,arevelationpresentingitselftomewithbreath-thievingforce."b.l.o.o.d.yh.e.l.l?
"Whatisit?"
"Um.Nothing.WhenyougetbackonWednesdayyou"llbemet.Don"tworryaboutanythingexceptnotfrighteningLewis."
Weatedinnerinthedining-room,discussingthetriptobeginwithbutpa.s.singprettysoontoourlivesingeneral.Ienjoyedbeingwithher.IwasgrowingunfaithfultoMaudie,Ithoughtironically.IaskedNinahowoldhereldestchildwas.
"Twenty-four."Shesmileddownatherpasta."Muchyoungerthanyou."
"AmIthattransparent."
"You"renotoy-boy,"shesaid.
"Yourchildrenmightthinkso."
"Yoursisterisolderthanherprofessor,isn"tshe?"
"Yes,sheis,"Isaid,mildlysurprised."Whotoldyou?"
"Aziztoldme."
"Yoursistertoldhim.Hetoldme.Wedrivershangtogether,youknow."
"Wipethatdemuresmileoffyourface."
Thesmile,however,deepened.Ithoughtofalltheemptybedroomsupstairsinthehotel.Ithoughtoftheyear-longcelibacyandfeltastrongdesiretoendit.Shemusthaveknownwhatwasinmymind.Shesimplywaited.
Isighed."It"snotwhatI"dprefer,"Isaid,"butI"mgoinghome."
Shesaidpa.s.sively,"Allright."
Irubbedmyeyes."Whenthisisover..."
"Yes.We"llsee."
Wewentouttogether,asbefore,toourseparatecars.ShehadcomeinherMercedes.
Ikissedhermouth,nothercheek.Shedrewherheadaway,hereyesgleaminginthecarparklights.IsawthatIdidn"tdispleaseher.Icouldsoeasily...soeasily...
"Freddie..."Hervoicewa.s.soft,non-committal,leavingittome.
"Ihaveto...Ireallydohavetogo,"Isaidalmostdesperately."I"mnotsendingyouofftoFrancewithoutsensiblepreparations.Bringyourovernightthingsinthemorningandpickupatravelkitfromtheoffice.Itwillholdmoneyandphonenumbersandaprecautionortwoagainstthieves.Lewisalwaystakesasimilarkit."Istopped.TravelkitswerenotwhatIwantedtotalkabout.Ikissedheragainandfeltresolutiondrainingaway.
"Dothekitinthemorning,"shesuggested.
"Oh,G.o.d."
"Freddie...
"I"lltellyoutomorrowwhyIhavetogo."
Ikissedherhard,thenturnedawayandwentovertotheFourtrak,feelingclumsyandannoyedwithmyselfforgoingsofarandinexplicablyretreating.Shedidn"tseemtomind.Therewerenohurtrejectedfeelingsinthesmileshegavemea.s.sheshutherselfintotheredcar.
"Seeyou,"shesaidthroughtheopeningwindow,startingtheengine.
"Goodnight."
Withawaveshedroveaway,a.s.self-possessedasever.Iwatchedhertaillightsintothedistanceandstrovetoquietenmypulse.Thebasicdrivesofnatureweresob.l.o.o.d.ypowerfulafterall.AndI"dthoughtIhadtheturmoillicked,whichonlyshowedthatdormantvolcanoesweresimplythat;firestemporarilyasleep.
Eightandahalfyears.Didtheymatter?Ididn"tknow,andIunderstoodthatshedidn"tknoweither.Shewasattractedtome;Ihadtobelieveit.Shewasalso,Ithought,inanoddwayshy,notwantingmetothinkshehadrushedme.ShewasmakingmedecidewhetherwhatIfeltwasapa.s.singarousaloralongercommitment.
IbeltedtheFourtrakbacktomyhouse,pushingdecisionsawayforthenight,andchangedintosoftblackshoesandthedarkestofclothesIcouldfind.Then,withmyeyesadjustingtonightvision,Iwalkedintheshadowsalongtothefarmyardandunlockedthepadlockonthegatestoletmyselfin,lockingitagainbehindme.
Itwasaftermidnight.Theskywasclearandcold,starsblazing.Allthosedistantsuns,Ithought;asmysteriousandinaccessibleasEhrlichiaristicii.
Allthehorseboxeswerehomeintheroost,subduedlyshininginthelightofthenightbulboverthecanteendoor.AquietSundayevening,peaceafterbustle.Ihadnot,thistime,walkedintoamortalsituation.
Harve,Iimagined,haddonehislastrounds,andwaswatchingvideofootball.Iunlockedtheofficesand,withoutswitchingontheinteriorlights,wentalongtomyownroom,enoughglowcreepinginthroughthewindowsformetolocatethetorchIkeptinthedeskthereandtocheckthat.i.tsbatterieswerefunctioning.Then,relockingtheofficedooronmywayout,IpaddedacrossthefarmyardtoJogger"soldvanfromwhosefrontseatsIcouldseeallmymonsterspartially,andoneortwoofthemclearly.
Thesuper-sixLewiswoulddrivetoMilanwasoneofthose.IsettledintothedarkinteriorofJogger"svanandtriedresolutelytostayawake.
Imanageditforanhour.
Dozed.
Wokewithajerk.Twoo"clock.Sentriescouldbecourt-martialledforsleepingonduty.Noonecouldhelpgoingtosleep.Whenthebrainwantedtoswitchoff,itdid.
Itriedrecitingoldverses.Nurseryrhymes.Onetwo,bucklemyshoe.
Wenttosleep.
Threeo"clock.Four.Halfthenightpa.s.sedacrossmyshuteyes.Absolutelynogood.Wasteoftime,sittingthere.
Whenhecame,thepadlockclickedandrattledonitschain,andIwasfullyalertinstantly.
Iheldmybreath,notmoving.
Lewis"sunmistakableshorthaircutpa.s.sedinsilhouettebetweenmeandtheoutsidelight.Lewis,carryingashapelessbag,movedunhesitatinglytowardshisownlorry,wherehelaydownonthegroundanddisappearedfrommysight.
Heremainedoutofsightforwhatseemedalongtime,untilIbegantothinkhemusthaveleftwithoutmynoticing.b.u.t.then,therehewas,standingup,movingaway,returningwithhisbagtothemaingateandfasteningthepadlockwitha.n.a.lmostinaudibleclick.
Gone.
Isatforanotherhalfhour,notentirelyfromwantingtobesurehewouldn"tcomebackbutfromreluctancetofacethenextbit.
Phobiaswereirrationalandstupid.Phobiaswereparalysing,petrifyingandalltooreal.Islowlyemergedfromthevan,tookthetorch,triedtothinkofrace-riding...anything...andlaydownonmybackbesideLewis"sboxinthelocationofthefueltanks.
Thecoldstarsuptheredidn"tcarethatmyskinsweatedandmycourageshranktothesizeofanut.
Thehorseboxwouldnotcollapseonme.Itobviouslywouldnot.
Forf.u.c.k"ssake,doit,Itoldmyself.Don"tbesof.u.c.kingstupid.
IshiftedmyshouldersandhipsoverthegroundandwriggledsidewaysuntilIwastotallyunderthetonsofsteel,andofcoursetheydidnotcollapseonme,theyhungovermeimmobileandimpa.s.sive,athreatunfulfilled.IstoppedunderthefueltanksandfeltthestupidsweatwetonmyfaceandcameneartocompletepanicwhenItriedtoraisemyhandtowipethesweatawayandhitmetalinstead.
f.u.c.k,Ithought.Nowordwasbadenough.Ididn"thabituallythinkinthatcasualexpletiveuniversalontheracecourse,b.u.t.thereweretimeswhennootherwordwoulddo.
I"dchosentoliewhereIwas.s...o...b..l.o.o.d.ytrembling,Itoldmyself,andgetonwiththematterinhand.