"Bye bye, Mama. I love you." She leaned forward and pressed a long kiss to Thereses cheek. She backed away from the side of the bed and went to the window where she stood looking out, Daniel behind her. His arms wrapped around her.
Trevor still held Poppy. His arms tight around her, supporting her and giving her strength. She slid from his embrace. A need compelled her to go to the edge of Thereses bed. There in the dim light, with her mothers heartbeat ticking down like a stopwatch ticking away time, her mother lay with her eyes closed, her breathing so slow, so soft, as to be nearly unheard. Poppy stared at that face, the face that she had dreamed a million times, and at this woman who Poppy had needed to be her mother a million times more. Nothing would ever change the fact that Therese hadnt been that mother. As Poppy looked at Therese, motionless and nearing her end on this plane, a feeling burst through her. Not quite forgiveness and not quite sadness, but a sense of calm. A knowledge that she would be okay, as would Therese. A peaceful acceptance, as though in this very second before the end of Thereses life, their individual souls had released each other.
Poppy leaned forward and pressed her lips to her mothers forehead. "Good-bye," Poppy said, and with one final shuddering sigh the woman that Poppy had long ago called Mommy was gone.
Trevor took Poppy toward Malibu. The silence in the car heavy upon them. Poppys face unreadable as they drove west toward the ocean. Once there, he put her to bed. She was awake but quietly alert, not catatonic. Her face contained a stoicism, as though even she couldnt discern what she should feel. What could he do for Poppy? His own experience told him that nothing but time and rest could heal the pain of parental loss. Trevor slid into bed beside her and wrapped his arms around her body. He pulled her close. The scent of oranges and mint still in her hair.
"Trevor," Poppy whispered. Her voice contained pain. She put her hands on the arm wrapped around her chest.
"Im here." He pulled her closer and spooned his body to hers. "Im not going anywhere."
With his words, her entire body relaxed in his arms. Her breathing slowed until finally, every tense muscle in her body softened and relaxed. As she drifted to sleep, the tension in his own muscles drained from his body.
What a horrible time for Poppy and for her family. Hed hold her and feed her and simply be with her while she recovered from this loss. They would exist together and he was good with that. He had decisions to make, about his future and the future of Up Side Burger, but those decisions could wait. His birthday was a month from now. There was plenty of time to love and heal between now and the moment in which he had to decide. He would love and care for Poppy and be the best for her that he knew how to be.
Chapter 16.
Poppy walked along the beach. The waves caressed the sh.o.r.e and the water tickled her toes. There had been no funeral for Therese, only the request that her ashes be spread off the coast of Australia a year after her death. Poppy pulled the cuffs of her sweater over her hands and looked up into the gray sky. Fog lay heavy over the coastline this morning. There was no brilliant blue sky, no bright yellow sun, only a grey that seemed to match her mood. A funk had hovered around her for nearly a month. She mourned Therese, but not in the way she suspected most women mourned the pa.s.sing of their mother. The thought that perhaps she wasnt mourning correctly, the way she should mourn the woman who gave birth to her, created a layer of guilt that clung to Poppys every thought and action.
These morning walks had begun out of necessity. The first three days after Therese pa.s.sed, she hadnt moved from the bed. On the fourth day Trevor had pulled her to standing and pushed her out the back door, down the stairs to the sand, ordering her to walk to the curve on the beach where a giant rock jutted from the sand. She hadnt wanted to, and shed set off with a scowl, muttering unkind words.
Trevor had been right about sending her off to walk. With every mile she acc.u.mulated her malaise grew lighter. She spent her walks each morning ruminating over Therese, and Mimi, and her brother, and Trevor, and her life as it was and what she thought she might do for the rest of it. That was the problem she turned over in her mind today. Trevors birthday was two days away, and the party that his mother was hosting was tomorrow night. Hed be giving her his decision about running Up Side Burger. Theyd discussed it a couple times before Therese died, but he hadnt brought it up since. Trevor hadnt brought much of anything up since, other than what she wanted for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and whether she wanted to go to a movie or stay home.
She wrapped her arms around her chest. He was babying her, protecting her, and though she found it hard to admit, she liked it. That he took care of her and her needs when she was tired and weak and afraid spoke to his love for her. That she didnt have to make a more complex decision right now than whether she wanted a baked potato or quinoa with dinner.
He made her laugh, he kept her well-fed and warm. His company made her heart feel light. So why did anxiety creep along the sides of her belly? How damaged was she that she wanted to sneak through the darkness of night and hop a plane to Tibet, or Kathmandu, maybe even p.h.u.ket? What was her mental malfunction that she couldnt mourn her dead mother the right way or commit to a man whom she loved and who so completely loved her?
A chill lingered in her heart. Everything died and ultimately everyone left. There was no permanence to life. Impermanence was the only certainty. Again, fear clutched her insides. How could she pledge her life to another, knowing that love, life, her very existence were as ephemeral as a wave on the ocean? She squinted toward the house. On the deck, Trevors familiar strong figure stood, hands on his hips, looking her way. She loved him. There was no doubt. But whether that love would cause her to stay and give up her wanderl.u.s.t she couldnt say. A slighter figure stood beside him ... who was that? Smaller, with blonde hair ... A smile broke across Poppys face.
Charla Duval stood beside Trevor, which meant that Ryan Murphy was also somewhere in L.A. Theyd sent flowers and called after Thereses death, and talked of coming in for Trevors birthday party, but nothing had been confirmed then. Now here was Charla, the woman who had been Poppys roommate during her last six months at Mesquale and who had quickly become Poppys best friend. The smile widened across Poppys face as she got closer. She waved to Charla, who returned it. Poppy climbed the small set of stairs from the sand to the deck, where Charla, with her white-blonde hair and gargantuan smile, stood. She pulled Poppy into a hug.
"Youre here!"
"Im only sorry it took us this long to get here." Charla pulled back and her gaze searched Poppys face. "How are you doing?"
The corner of Poppys mouth lifted and she shrugged. "Okay."
"Well, you look good. Well fed and rested and showered. Im impressed." Charla glanced toward Trevor. "But when I saw the spread he had laid out this morning for the four of us, I wasnt surprised. Does he just hang out and cook for you all day?"
"Pretty much. Wait."-Poppys gaze shifted to Trevor-"Did you know they were coming today?"
He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "There was talk, but weather was dicey and everything depended on getting the jet off Mesquale."
"Dont blame Trevor for not telling you. We wanted to surprise you, not be a cause for disappointment if the weather didnt cooperate." Charla wrapped an arm around Poppys waist. They first few raindrops fell and they walked through the sliders into the kitchen.
"Yo, Poppy!" Ryan called from the kitchen, where he was intently making mimosas. "Not sure why Im doing this and not that guy"-he nodded toward Trevor- "since hes one of the best bartenders Ive ever known."
"Man, you worked right beside me for months before any of us knew who you really were," Trevor joked.
Ryan walked to Poppy and pulled her into a hug. He whispered into her ear, "Im sorry for your loss." His eyes examined her face. Ryan understood loss at the deepest level. His fiance and their unborn child had perished years before in a horrible car accident when Ryan had been driving. "If theres anything you need ... even just someone to sit quietly and say nothing. I can be that friend." His smile was warm and understanding.
Poppys malaise seemed to lighten. Shed missed Charla, and by extension shed missed Ryan too. Ryan had been Trevors roommate, and dating Charla, before hed outed himself as the new owner of Mesquale, the Tahitian resort where theyd all worked. The four of them had spent good times together drinking and dining and sitting on the sand.
"Thank you." Poppy had grown better able to respond to the support that people wanted to give her. At first shed pretended that nothing was wrong, that nothing had happened, that because Therese had been absent from her life for more than twenty years, Poppy had no anguish over the loss. Shed been lying to herself and not fooling anyone around her. Shed started to unpack the pain, but shed also learned that in moments like this, social moments, she could tuck the idea of her loss away for perusal later.
Ryan handed her and Charla each a mimosa and Poppy curled up on the sofa. She tucked a chenille throw over her body.
"How long are you in Los Angeles?" she asked, hoping it would be for a while. She wanted her friend to be here with her to talk and just be together.
"Well, hes got Mesquale business and weve got this big birthday party to go to." Charla eyed Trevor. "Plus, Ive got some wedding business to attend to."
"Oh my G.o.d, thats right! Show me, show me! Ive only seen pictures of the ring." Charla sat beside Poppy and held out her hand. A gargantuan rock of a diamond sparkled and on either side were two more diamonds.
"Oh, Charla, its beautiful! Im so happy for you." Poppy pulled her friend close. "Nice work, Mr. Murphy," she said. "Im impressed you were able to recover so well from that fiasco of yours."
"You say fiasco, I say best thing that ever happened to me and Mesquale."
"Hows the planning going?" Poppy asked. Charla and Ryan werent waiting. Their wedding was planned for three months from now.
"Well its kind of easy to plan when your soon-to-be-husband owns one of the most luxurious five-star resorts in the world." Charla smiled. "But the tough thing has been finding a dress. I thought we could look while Im here."
"Seriously?"
Charla nodded. "I still need to find your dress and my dress-"
"Hold up ... I dont think I actually agreed to be in this wedding."
"Oh, you agreed," Charla said. "By virtue of being the person who talked me into giving this guy a second chance."
A small flush heated Poppys cheeks. "That was me?" Everything seemed so long ago. Those moments on the island of Mesquale, when Charla had come back and shed seen Ryan and the two of them had finally acknowledged their love. While not so long ago, it felt like a lifetime. Since that time shed left Trevor, left Mesquale, helped her sister, Trevor had found her, Therese had pa.s.sed and now ... She looked at Trevor standing beside Ryan, the two of them talking and laughing. And now what? Now Charla was here to pick out a wedding dress and go to Trevors birthday party and ...
Poppys chest tightened. Her breathing grew short. She was here. With Trevor. Living with Trevor and had been for ... a while. What? How had this happened? She wasnt in Hong Kong, she wasnt living her life. Her eyes glanced down at Charlas ring as Charla continued to talk about the four wedding boutiques she wanted to visit in the next two days. Poppy closed her eyes. Her head ... pressure like a vise around her scalp. She pressed her fingers to her forehead. No. Too much. Too, too much.
"Im sorry, Charla, Ill be right back." She stood and dashed toward the stairs that lead to the master suite. She didnt look back at her friends. She didnt want to see them exchange of looks of concern over her abrupt exit. She could already hear the heavy silence, could imagine the whispers about what had just happened and which one of them should come check on her.
No one should come check on her. She needed to be alone. She wanted to be alone. Shed become entangled in a life that she hadnt wanted. Shed allowed herself to get swept up with people, loads and loads of people and their emotions, and the responsibilities that came with these people and their expectations. Poppy paced in front of the wall of windows that overlooked the Pacific. Rain streaked the windows and on the other side of the gla.s.s, the ocean grew white-waved and angry.
"Babe?" Trevor stood just inside the room. "You okay? Can I get you anything?"
"You can get me my suitcase." Poppy ran her fingertips through her hair. "Where did you put it? Are you hiding it so I cant leave? And my pa.s.sport, why dont I have my pa.s.sport-"
"Babe." Trevor walked closer to her. "Your suitcase is right inside the garage and your pa.s.sport is in your purse. You want to tell me whats going on?"
Poppy turned on Trevor. Her jaw tightened. Anger built a furious fire in her chest. "I cant do this Trevor, okay? I cant do any of this. This ... this Suzy Homemaker thing isnt me. Weddings and mimosas and brunch with long-time friends? Thats not me." She pressed her hand to her chest. Her heart beat like a hummingbirds.
"Its Ryan and Charla. No one expects you to be anyone youre not. We dont want you to be-"
"Thats just the thing. I dont want a we who wants anything from me, okay? I want me. I want to be alone and live alone and go where I want, when I want, and not have to worry about picking out dresses or being at birthday parties on time or seeing your mother on Sundays or who is having what and where and when. Okay? I dont want that life, I never wanted that life, and I told you that, Trevor. I told you I couldnt have that life, that I needed my freedom. And then I came here to help and you came here and found me and then Therese died and oh my G.o.d." Poppy sank to the floor and covered her face with her hands. "I have to leave."
"You dont have to leave." Trevors voice was hard with a hint of ice in it. "You can leave any time you want to, Poppy, but you dont have to, lets be really clear on that. Leaving is a choice just like staying is a choice. One that we make for each other every day."
Poppy lifted her head and her gaze locked with Trevors. Dogged determination lined his mouth. He was right. They were both making a choice, each day they woke up, to stay. No one forced her to remain and no one forced him either. "Youre right," Poppy said, her voice softer. "I just ... I start to feel so overwhelmed and pinned down ... so I dont know ... I just-"
Trevor knelt beside her and put his hand on her shoulder. "I understand that feeling. Where everything is already decided for you and youve got no choices and you feel like youre locked into something you dont want and n.o.body even asked you." His gaze was warm and swept over her face. "Ive felt all that since I was a kid. But being with you, I dont feel trapped anymore. I want to be here. I want to be with you. I want to build something together. Of course we can change it or leave it and build other things, but right now, today, the choice Im making is for you and me to be together."
Poppys body tingled. She loved him. She wanted him. He kissed her, and the heat that terrified her and yet caused her to cling to him burned through her body. With his lips pressed to hers, she lay back into the lushness of the plush, soft rug. She yanked at his shirt and pulled it over his head. She needed him with a fast and furious intensity. A want so deep there was a hard ache between her legs. She wanted Trevor to fill her, to make her feel the closeness and the rightness of them together. His mouth slid down her neck and his hand trailed over her body.
Then a thought occurred to her, and she pulled away. "What about-"
"They went to a wedding boutique in Malibu."
And with his words any concern for their friends on the first floor slipped from Poppys mind. "Please. I want you. I want you so badly."
Trevor had their clothes off in an instant. Their skin pressed together. His lips again trailed over her belly, to the slick spot between her legs that throbbed with ache and want and desire.
He parted her legs with his hands. "Baby, youre so beautiful." His tongue slid down her center and then his lips closed around her nub and he sucked her into his mouth. His tongue circled her c.l.i.t, licking the engorged flesh. Her hips bucked upward, but Trevors hand held her still.
"Oh Trevor, oh my G.o.d, please," she panted out. Her body edging along the sharp cliff of desire. His tongue stroked in a slow long circle, while his mouth sucked. His hand caressed the tight bud of her nipple. Her body tightened. Each muscle hardening in aroused pleasure.
He pulled his mouth from her s.e.x and her hips rolled upward, unbidden and yet needing, seeking the release that his mouth would provide. His lips trailed up over her body until they were face to face. She hitched her leg around him and rolled him to his back. His hard s.e.x was between them. She needed this, she needed him inside her, she wanted this glorious feeling of being alive. She hovered above him and the head of his hard c.o.c.k edged into the tight muscles of her s.e.x. He clasped her breast with one hand. She wanted this. She had to take him, have him deep inside her.
"Youre beautiful." Trevors fingertip stroked her c.l.i.t, still engorged and sensitive from his mouth. "I love you."
"I love you too." His touch nearly sent her over the edge. Her s.e.x clenched and she slid the head of Trevors c.o.c.k into her hot center.
"Poppy. G.o.d, Poppy." l.u.s.t shadowed his face and his muscles tensed as he fought the urge to ram up into her. She slowly lowered her body down his shaft.
Trevors breathing shortened and the muscles in his jaw flinched. His hands clutched her hips. Her body tightened around his thick shaft.
"f.u.c.k," Trevor breathed out. She raised up and then slid back down. His hands grasped her b.r.e.a.s.t.s and he lifted up to pull her nipple deep into the needy heat of his mouth. Sucking with such intensity her s.e.x quivered. His teeth sc.r.a.ped against the aroused flesh of her nipple. Poppys hips moved forward and back.
In this moment she felt no fear, no uncertainty, no walls closing in, no expectations she couldnt meet. In this moment only she and Trevor and the heat between them existed. All-consuming pleasure and a deep love.
Her control was nearly gone. His fingers again found her c.l.i.t and circled the sensitive flesh. She rode him harder and faster. Her head dropped backward. She grasped his thigh with one hand and rose up and down, her body now moving to a fast rhythm, their flesh slapping together. Their skin. Their flesh. She tilted her head forward to watch the spot where his hard c.o.c.k met her soft flesh. Her entire body tightened at the sight.
"Oh my G.o.d Poppy, Poppy." Trevors voice was thick with want. With a quick movement he flipped her onto her back so he was above her. "Youre mine, Poppy. Youre mine." He rammed into her s.e.x deep and hard. She pulled her legs tightly around him. Pleasure washed over them both. His eyes locked to hers, their coupling flying high into the sky, into the unlimited pleasure of this moment and what felt like forever.
Trevor padded across the living room floor bare-a.s.sed naked. He lit the fire and turned toward the wall of windows. This house, this s.p.a.ce, afforded them privacy and luxury and time alone, and yet ... Poppy had been nearly overwhelmed by just the talk of having to attend a birthday party and a wedding. Of course her feelings were raw from Thereses death, and she was processing deep emotions. But he couldnt have provided her any more stability and safety than he had over the last month, and yet shed still wanted to run. The fire roared to life.
Trevor padded back toward the kitchen. He and Poppy wouldnt see Ryan and Charla again today because Ryan had a business dinner tonight, and then the two of them were holing up in their hotel for a romantic evening. Of course their friends understood what had happened with Poppy today. Trevor pulled cheese and fruit and wine from the refrigerator. He was being d.a.m.ned supportive, and that was why her wanting to leave earlier had thrown him. He got that she was grieving, but shed been accusatory, as though he were forcing her to stay. No one could ever force Poppy to do anything.
At the sound of footfalls on the stairs, he glanced over. His heart contracted. She was naked too, but a million times more beautiful. Her lips were still swollen and red from their lovemaking, her body a wonderland of pleasure for him. To lose her would end him. End the possibility of love in his life. He turned toward the knife block and plucked out a serrated breadknife. He grabbed a baguette and set it on the cutting board.
"You scared the h.e.l.l out of me today." Trevor sliced through the fresh bread. He glanced up at her. Poppy wore an embarra.s.sed, repentant look on her face.
She pulled a strand of hair behind her ear. "Im sorry." She plucked a grape from the tray where hed set the brie and blue cheese. "I got overwhelmed."
"By what? The fact that people love you?" He pressed his lips tight together. He shouldnt have said it ... he knew ...
Her face hardened, the repentance gone, replaced with a defensive look. Cloudy eyes. Tight lips. "Maybe this isnt the life I ever asked for, maybe because I feel like Im being steered toward something that Im not sure I want."
Trevor stopped cutting and set the knife on the counter. He looked up at the woman he loved. He was mad for her. Hed do anything to ensure her happiness, even if he had to let her go. "I love you. You need to believe me when I say I will do whatever it takes for you to be happy. And that includes getting the suitcase from the garage and packing it for you, if youre convinced thats what you need."
Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s heaved up and down with his words. Any anger shed felt slid from her face.
He softened his tone and returned his focus to the baguette. "I think thats your fear talking." He placed the sliced bread on the tray beside the cheeses. "I think you actually like being a part of something that includes people you love and who love you, but"-he walked around the corner of the kitchen island and grasped both of Poppys shoulders-"I think youre scared something will happen and theyll leave you. So you think about leaving them first, because then you feel like youre in control of the pain you know youll feel." He tilted her head up and she met his gaze. "Once we love, weve relinquished all control over our hearts, over our lives, even over our future."
Her tongue trailed across her lip, and at the base of her throat her heartbeat pulsed at a furious rate.
"That terrifies me," Poppy whispered.
"I know," Trevor said. "Lucky for us, we can take everything one moment at a time. And in this moment, were going to eat cheese. And watch the sunset. The sky has finally cleared just in time for the best show of the day."
"I love you." Her bottom lip quivered. "Im sorry."
"Dont be sorry," Trevor said. "Just stay with me to watch the sun sink into the ocean and then well see what comes next."
Chapter 17.
Charla pushed another wedding dress along the rack. The clerk was about to stroke out. Charla was marrying one of the richest men in the world and she was actually shopping the sale rack.
"Look at that." Charla pointed to a tag that displayed a price ending in four zeroes. "My first car cost less than that! How can I spend that much money on a dress? A dress!" Charla turned and walked toward the artful display of fruit and champagne on the center table of the boutique.
"Miss Duvall, your room is ready when you are."
"Thank you." Charla sat on the chaise beside Poppy.
"There are expectations with this wedding," Poppy said.