"I want to know about your family and Up Side Burger and the idea of you running the company."
Trevor told her. Spent the next hour explaining his family history with the restaurant to her. He laid out the requirements that he or a sibling run Up Side.
"And you dont want to do it?" Poppy asked.
Trevor stood and walked toward the kitchen, where he poured two more cups of coffee. "Three days ago I didnt want to do it."
"And now?"
"And now I understand what Up Side Burger means to my family and my future."
Poppys eyebrows crinkled. "Whats changed?
Trevor set the coffee on the table. He knelt before Poppy and grasped both her hands. "You, Poppy. Youve changed it. Being here with you, I understand why my dad came back to Los Angeles, why he didnt need to play his music in the same way anymore. Im not saying that I wont write for the rest of my life or even publish, but what I am saying is Ive found something bigger than just me and my needs." He reached out and brushed her curls back over her shoulder. "I want us, and as long as this thing between us is working and intact, then Im okay. Doesnt matter if Im flipping burgers, making drinks, writing stories, or running a company. You. Us. Together. This makes everything worthwhile."
Poppys heart spun. She took a deep breath. She felt the same way, but his words, the things that Trevor said, the tone of his voice, werent laced with the fear that flooded her body.
He grasped her hands. "I want us to be together. If you tell me that you can do that here, or if you can do that in Hong Kong, wherever, whatever, then I will make that work. Do you get it? Do you understand what Im saying?"
"Youre freaking me out."
"Of course I am." Trevor ran his fingertips over her cheekbone. "I know this scares you. The idea of letting yourself love me enough to commit to forever." A smile spread over Trevors face. "But heres the thing, its too late, Poppy. For both of us. Ive given you my heart and whether you wanted to or not, youve given your heart to me."
She pressed her lips together and closed her eyes. She nodded and opened them again. "I just ... Ive seen what happens when love doesnt work out. When people cant stay, when theyre abandoned and alone, and the children, and what if our children-"
Trevors eyes widened.
She stopped.
Her eyes slid to the left, then closed. Shed said it. A deep breath pulled through her lungs. Shed spoken about a future with Trevor that contained children and a life and commitment and shed meant it. She turned her gaze back to him. "If we ever had children, Trevor, I wouldnt want them to go through what I went through."
To his credit, he kept a giant grin from slipping onto his face. "Ill do anything and everything to make certain any children we may or may not have never experience that kind of abandonment."
Trevor meant what he said. But hadnt her father thought similar things when it came to his relationship with Therese?
"I ..." Across the room her ring tone shattered the silence, her fear, and the unknown.
Trevor stood and walked toward the table beside the couch where shed left her phone. He handed it to her.
"Hi, Mimi," Poppy said. She listened to her sister and mentally said good-bye to a simple luxurious Trevor-filled day.
"Im sorry. I know youre out and ... youre trying to work through this thing and I didnt want to interrupt but-"
"No, its fine." Poppy glanced toward Trevor. She now leaned against the kitchen island while he loaded the dishwasher. "Did you want to go to the hospital? I can probably be back in like an hour."
With the silence from Mimi, Poppys heart twisted. Her gut tightened. "Mimi?"
"Pop, its worse than that ... Mom is-"
"Is she dead?" The air burst from Poppys chest. Poppy spun away from Trevor, who had now turned toward her.
"No"-Mimi sighed-"but shes taken a turn and they dont think itll be long. Theyre giving her some strong drugs. And well, Daniel gets back from Vancouver around two and h.e.l.l be with the kids. I phoned Brian and hes taking an earlier flight. Should get in late today."
Poppys fingers tingled. Her legs were numb; she couldnt even feel her feet. She slowly sat on a chair. "I ..." She closed her eyes. A noise roared in her head. What to do? Mimi had said shed need to make peace with Therese dying, that it was only a matter of time, but Poppy had thought, believed, hoped that shed have months, at the very least weeks, to come to some sort of internal terms with the idea of losing Therese, the woman who had borne her.
"Poppy, I respect how you feel about Therese, but I thought you might want to come by the hospital. I can pick you up or you could meet me there. I just ... I dont know, Poppy. I just think youre really going to regret not saying good-bye when youre older, or if you ever choose to have your own children. Its different once you have them ... I swear to you, it is."
Poppy fought the unkind words that she longed to say. She wanted to lash out at Mimi, whod had the luxury of a mother until her adolescence.
"Ill meet you there," Poppy said. She glanced across the room. The clock over the sink indicated that it was already after noon now. By the time she showered and changed ... did Trevor have something she could wear? "Around three." Could he drive her to UCLA?
He wiped the counter and didnt even pretend that he wasnt hearing what she was talking about with Mimi. She respected him for that. Theyd fibbed to each other long enough. Now it was time to be truthful and see if their feelings could withstand the onslaught of a reality that wasnt Mesquale.
"See you then."
Poppy tapped the off b.u.t.ton and placed the phone on the kitchen island. She was losing Therese, most likely today. She knew shed already really lost her mother, the woman she had loved and had clung to the day Therese left their family. A woman who hadnt looked back once, even when her five-year-old daughter stood on the front steps and called for Mommy. Mimi had come after Poppy, grabbed her, and scooped her up into her arms. Always Mimi holding and taking care of Poppy. Mimi was right. Even if Poppy couldnt make peace with Therese, she did need to say good-bye to her.
"Its your mom?"
Poppy looked at Trevor and nodded. "She isnt doing well. They dont think shes going to live much longer."
Trevor scrubbed his hand through his hair. "I can take you. When should we go? You should shower and there are clothes in the guest room. Im sure you can find a shirt thatll work. If not we can stop at your sisters, or a mall."
"Okay."
Trevor had snapped into hyperaware overdrive. Suddenly making a mental list so that Poppy didnt need to.
"Ill go with you," he said. He grasped both her hands and pulled her close.
"Id rather go alone," she said.
His body stiffened for an instant.
"I ..." Poppy looked into his eyes. "I just need to do this alone. I need to say good-bye to her and I havent seen her in over two decades ... Im sorry if that hurts you, but I need to close this chapter by myself."
Trevor nodded. He tilted his head and confusion raced through his eyes, but he did a great job of pretending he understood her decision to say good-bye to Therese alone.
"Go get ready." He lifted her hand to his cheek. "Well leave whenever you want."
"Thank you." Poppy stepped forward and lifted herself onto her tippy-toes to plant a kiss on his lips. He might not like her decision, but a look of patient acceptance clung to his features.
Poppy walked toward the stairs and turned back. Trevor stood in front of the giant windows, his back to Poppy, hands on his hips. He stared toward the oncoming storm. She wondered, what thoughts flew through his mind?
Chapter 12.
Poppy hated hospitals, but really, aside from doctors and nurses, did anyone like the hospital? There were very few times in any persons life where being at the hospital indicated impending joy. The elevator doors opened and a wave of that horrible hospital smell hit her nose. What was that? Antiseptic mixed with fear? Panic? Anxiety? Every hospital anywhere in the world that shed entered had the same scent. Poppy turned and walked down the hall, scanning the numbers on the wall. The woman at the front desk on the first floor had said Therese was in room 1145.
Mimi, in a flowing shirt and a long skirt that stopped at her ankles, stood in the hallway speaking to a white-coated woman with long blonde hair. Poppy stopped at Mimis side and the doctor turned toward her.
"My sister," Mimi said. "Poppy."
"Ah, yes, Poppy. Your mother speaks of you often. Im Dr. Ziddle." The blonde woman held out her hand. She didnt exactly smile, but her demeanor wasnt somber. More like a practiced seriousness. "I was telling your sister that with the growth of the tumor, your mother will be in and out of consciousness. Were looking at palliative care. After the complications of last night, Im not certain that hospice is advisable."
A careening sensation, as though the entire building had tilted to the side and she clung from one of the window ledges, rocketed through Poppys body. She nodded and did all the normal things that people do when discussing life and death and illness, but her insides were hollow and a thrumming roared in her ears. The words Dr. Ziddle and Mimi spoke ... she wasnt exactly hearing or understanding. She nodded as though everything the doctor said made complete sense, but she understood nothing.
"Ill check back later today. I have a few other patients to see. It should be around six, if youre both still here." Dr. Ziddle turned and nodded to Poppy.
The soft touch of Mimis fingertips grazed Poppys arm. "Are you okay?"
"Of course Im okay." Poppy shrugged. She was trying hard to remind herself that the only reason shed come to the hospital was to satisfy Mimis desire that she find closure. "Im here for you, not me." Poppy hitched her purse strap up higher on her shoulder and crossed her arms over her chest.
A cold fury replaced her original shock over the doctors words. Mimi had no idea what it meant to be a motherless child. Therese had wanted a relationship with Mimi, and even sought out her eldest daughter once Mimi had her own children. Therese never tried to contact Poppy. Shed never called or emailed or texted or asked to meet with her youngest daughter.
"Shes sleeping. I was in her room before Dr. Ziddle got here. "
"When does Brian get in?"
"This evening. Hes planning on coming straight to the hospital."
"Great. And Daniel is back from Vancouver?"
Mimi nodded and walked into the room. Poppys feet wouldnt move. Numb from the waist down with a sick feeling churning in her belly, Poppy felt like her feet were stuck to the floor. From where she stood, just inside the doorway, Poppy couldnt see Therese. The foot of Thereses hospital bed was visible, but not the top.
"Shes still asleep," Mimi whispered from the far side of the room.
Poppy willed her feet to move and her legs to go forward and walk into the room. Once inside, she stopped, took a long breath, and turned. Her gaze roamed up over the white hospital blanket to the tiny person in the bed.
This wasnt the woman Poppy remembered. The beautiful laughing woman with lush black hair and big brown eyes, with a giant forever smile that decorated her few early childhood memories.
No, the tiny creature in the bed could not be described as vibrant or larger than life. Instead she was a misshapen elf, shriveled and old, worn from life and this disease. Her long waterfall of hair was gone. Instead wisps of grey decorated her scalp. A giant scar sliced along her head, where theyd operated once to cut the tumor from Thereses brain. A success, Mimi had said, until the horrible beast had come back, angrier and more powerful and hidden in recesses of Thereses brain that were impossible to reach.
Her coloring was no longer the luxurious black that spoke to a mixed island heritage and radiated the warmth of sun and sand and water. Her skin could only be described as grey, much like the clouds that had hung over the Pacific this morning.
"She ..." Poppy touched her fingertips to her lips. Fluids in big bags dripped down plastic tubing to the needle that was taped to her parchment-thin skin. A tube ran into her mouth, a machine pushing air in and out of her lungs. "She doesnt look the same." Poppy swallowed back the lump that threatened to choke her.
"No." Mimi walked to the top of the bed and ran her hand across Thereses forehead. "She doesnt look the same at all. Not like I remember her." Mimis gaze left Therese and she looked at Poppy. "Do you remember her? I mean, before she left? Before ..."
Her words drifted to an end. There was much about that time Poppy didnt remember, but she did have some memories that she cradled in her recollection as though holding an easily broken crystal in the palm of her hand. A few pictures in her mind that she wasnt sure were real, or were a collection of photos she had imagined herself into, put together in a quilt-like childhood fantasy.
"I remember her laugh," Poppy said. Therese had had a brilliant laugh that made Poppy twirl with delight. "I remember her nearly always having a vodka tonic in the evening. I remember her and Daddy sitting on the back porch and watching us in the yard."
Mimi nodded. "It was good until it wasnt." She removed her hand from Thereses forehead and walked to the sink. She took a washcloth, wetted it, and wrung out the extra water. She pressed the cloth to Thereses forehead and gently stroked it across her skin.
"Does she even know were here?"
"Dr. Ziddle thinks she knows. Those drugs"-Mimi nodded to the bag of fluids that dripped into Therese-"would put a Clydesdale to sleep. We were talking about cutting them back when Brian got here. Taking her off the ventilator. Thinking maybe shed want a little bit of lucidity to say good-bye. But shed be in pain." Mimi took the washcloth and held it close. Her eyes searched Poppys. "Shes in a lot of pain and that isnt going to change. They thought she was going to die last night, but for whatever reason she pulled through."
Poppy crossed her arms. So much anger, even with the sadness that whispered around the lump of rage in her belly.
"She didnt call you because she knew you didnt want to hear from her."
Poppys gaze whipped away from the shriveled woman in the bed and focused on Mimi. "Thats a cowards excuse."
Mimi took a long deep breath. "Right." She shook her head and rolled her eyes toward the ceiling.
"What? You seriously think that I should just forgive her? Just ignore the twenty-plus years that she wasnt a part of my life? Thats what you think I should do?"
"No, Poppy, but I do think you should consider that maybe she did want a relationship with you. Yes, of course her leaving when you were five was abandonment, but did you ever wonder why she left?"
"Because she was selfish and didnt want to be a mother."
Mimi opened her mouth to respond, but then her phone rang. She pulled it from her bag and looked at the screen. "Sorry, its Daniel. I have to take it." She walked around Poppy and out into the hall.
Alone with Therese. Poppys life could have been so different. What kind of relationship could they have had? What was it like to have a mother who loved you? Those questions had always roamed through Poppys mind when her friends discussed the fun things they did with their mothers. Even when her friends complained about their mothers, Poppy had known their complaints were a luxury that she would never have.
What was closure? What exactly did Mimi think Poppy would gain by being here and seeing this misshapen person? Mimi had had at least a few years with Therese to work through her own issues, but Poppy? She hadnt had had the luxury of a wealth of childhood memories nor time as an adult to repair her relationship with Therese.
"Brian did get an earlier flight." Mimi now stood beside Poppy. She dropped her arm onto Poppys shoulders and tilted her head.
"How long do we need to stay?" Poppy asked.
Mimis eyes saddened.
"Look, Mimi, I dont know what you expect, but Therese gave birth to me, hung around for five years, and then disappeared. I never heard from her again. I know your experience with her was a whole lot different. You got her for twelve years and then you got her again when you had Laura. Shes been your mother and a grandmother to the girls ... but to me?" Poppy put her hand to her chest. She fought the tears that formed in her eyes. "She was a five-year caretaker. Thats it. No cards, no Christmases, no birthdays ... nothing. So whatever feelings you think I need to work through? Im telling you, they dont exist."
Poppys heart raced as she continued. "Maybe you need to work through something. Maybe Therese isnt the woman that you think she is, and youre having a hard time understanding how the woman who mothered you and the woman who abandoned me could be the same person. Maybe you want me here because if I forgive Therese then its easier for you." Poppy pulled her purse tighter against her side and turned toward the door. The room was too small. She felt hemmed in by everything crammed inside it. The incessant beeping of the machine, Therese dying, Mimi with judgment in her eyes. Poppy walked out through the doorway and stopped.
Trevor stood in the hallway.
"I asked you not to come here." This entire day was too much. She didnt want to see Therese and she didnt want to look into Mimis judge-y eyes and right this moment she definitely didnt want to see Trevor standing in the hospital hallway feeling sorry for her.
"Right ... I know, but-"
"Really? First she thinks that I need closure and now you think I need emotional handholding? Ive got news for both of you. I dont need anyone." Poppy stormed down the hall.
"Poppy, wait-"
Trevor started after her, but Poppy turned and held up her hand palm outward to stop his pursuit. "Dont. Okay. Just dont." She backed away from Trevor. "And how about this time, you actually listen."
He stopped. The look of hopeful helpfulness slid from his gorgeous features.