More words ... "it would have been always the same. We"ve lived one moment and in all of life there"s nothing more than what we"ve had.
Lovers who grow old together live only in their yesterdays. And their yesterdays are only a moment--till the time comes when their yesterdays die. Then they become little, half-dead people, who wait in lighted rooms, empty handed, fumbling greedily with trifles...."
"I love you!" She made a refrain for him. "I don"t know the things you do. I only love you."
"Rachel ..." He had no belief in what he was saying. The things he knew?
What? Nothing but pain and torment. Yet his heart went on wagging out words: "All life is a parting--a continual and monotonous parting. And most hideous of all, a parting with dead things. A saying good-by to things that no longer exist. We part with living things, and so keep them, somehow. Your face makes life for the moment familiar. Visions bloom like sad flowers in my heart. Your body against mine brings a torment even into my words. Oh, your weeping"s the sound of my own heart dying. Rachel, you are more wonderful than life. I love you! I feel as if I must die when you go away. Crowds, streets, buildings--all empty outlines. Empty before you came, emptier when you have gone."
He paused. His thought whispered: "I"ll remember things I say. I mustn"t say too much. I"m sad. Oh, G.o.d, what a mess!"
They walked into the park. A sudden matter-of-factness came into Dorn"s mind. He had sung something from his heart. Yet he remembered with astonishment it had been a wary song. He had not asked her to stay. Had he asked her she would have remained. Curious, how he acquiesced in her going. A sense of drama seemed to demand it. When he had received her message the night in the office he had agreed at once. Why? Because he was not in love? This too, a make-believe, more colored, more persuasive than the others? Wrong. Something else. Anna. Anna was sending her away.
The figure of Anna loomed behind their ecstasies. It stood nodding its head sorrowfully at a good-by in the snow.
They were deep in the park. Trees made still gestures about them. The ivory silhouettes of trees haunted the distance. A spectral summer painted itself upon the barren lilac bushes. Beneath, the lawn slopes raised moon faces to the night. Deep in the storm the ghost of a bronze fountain emerged and remained staring at the scene.
It was cold. The wind had died and the snow hung without motion, like a cloud of ribbons in the air. The white park gleamed as if under the swinging light of blue and silver lanterns. The night, lost in a dream wandered away among strange sculptures. In the distance a curtain of porphyry and bisque drew its shadow across the moon.
Rachel pointed suddenly with her finger.
"Look!" she whispered. She remained as if in terror, pointing.
Three figures were converging toward them--black figures out of the distant snow. Figures of men, without faces, like three bundles of clothes, they came toiling across the unbroken white of the park, an air of intense destinations about them. Above the desolate field of white the three figures seemed suddenly to loom into heroic sizes. They reared to a height and zigzagged across a nowhere.
"See, see!" Rachel cried. She was still pointing. Her voice rang brokenly. "They"re coming for me, Erik. Erik, don"t you see? People wandering toward me. Horrible strangers. Oh, I know, I know!" She laughed. "My grandmother was a gypsy and she"s telling my fortune in the snow. Things that will jump out of s.p.a.ce and come at me, after you"re gone."
The three men, puffing with exertion, converged upon the walk and pa.s.sed on with a morose stare at the lovers. Dorn sighed, relieved. He had caught a strange foreboding sense out of the tableau of the white field and the three converging black figures.... If he loved her why was he letting her go? If he loved her....
He walked on suddenly wearied, saddened, uncertain. It was no more than a dream that had touched his senses, a breath of a dream that lingered for a moment upon his mirror. It would pa.s.s, as all things pa.s.s. And he would fall back into the pattern of streets and faces, watching as before the emptiness of life make geometrical figures of itself. Yes, it was better to have her go--simpler. Perhaps a desire would remain, a breath, a moonlit memory of her loveliness to mumble over now and then, like a line of poetry always unwritten. Let her go. Beautiful ...
wonderful.... These were words. Was he even sad? She was--what? Another woman.
In the shadow of a snow-covered wall he paused. The snow had ended.
"Come closer," he whispered. She remained silent as he removed her overcoat. He dropped it in the snow and threw his own beside it.
"We"ll be warm for a minute against each other."
She was a flower in his arms. She seemed to vanish and become mist.
Slowly he became aware of her touch, of her arms holding him and her lips. She was saying:
"I am yours--always--everywhere. I will be a shrine to you. And whenever you want me I will come crawling on my knees to you."
Dying, dying! She was dying. Another moment and the mist of her would be gone. "Rachel.... Rachel. I love you. I send you away. Oh, G.o.d, why do I send you away?"
She was out of his arms. Undressed, naked, emptied, he stood unknown to himself. No words. Her kiss alone lived on his lips. She was looking at him with burning wild eyes. Expression seemed to have left her. There was something else in her face.
"I must look at you. To remember, to remember!" she gasped. "Oh, to remember you! I have never looked at you. I have never seen you. It"s a dream. Who is Erik Dorn? Who am I? Oh, let me look at you...."
The eyes of Rachel grew marvelously bright. Burned ... burned.
Dorn stared into an empty park. Gone! Her coat still in the snow. His own beside it. He stood smiling, confused. His lips made an apology. He walked off. Oh, yes, their coats together in the snow. A symbol. He stumbled and a sudden terror engulfed him. "Her face," he mumbled, "like a mirror of stars." He felt himself sicken. What had her eyes said? Eyes that burned and devoured him and vanished. "Rachel," he wept, "forever!"
He wondered why he spoke.
The park, white, gleaming, desolate, gave him back her face. Out of the empty night, her face. In the trees it drifted, haunting him. The print of a face was upon the world. He went stumbling toward it in the snow.
He covered his eyes with his hands as he walked.
"Her face," he mumbled, "her face was beautiful...."
CHAPTER V
In a dining-room of the city known as the Blue Inn, Anna Dorn sat waiting for her husband. Opposite her a laughing-eyed man was talking.
She listened without intelligence. He was part of old memories--crowded rooms in which lights had been turned off. They had danced together in their youth. She had worn his fraternity pin and walked with him one night under a moon and kissed him, saying: "I will always love you. The other boys are different. You are so nice and kind, Eddie." And Eddie had gone away east to continue a complacent quest for erudition in a university. Almost forgotten days and places when there had been no Erik Dorn, and when one debated which pumps to wear to the dance. Erik had blotted them out. A whimsical, moody young Mr. Dorn, laughing and carousing about the city and singling her out one night at a party....
"We must get out of here or we"ll choke to death. Come, we"ll go down to the lake and laugh at the stars. They"re the only laughable things in the world."
She looked sadly at the man whose kindly voice sought to rally her out of a gloom. Before the laughing stars there had been another day--other stars, another Anna. All part of another world. Eddie Meredith and another world sat dimly apparent across the white linen of the table.
Anecdotes of old friends they had shared, forgotten names and incidents reached through the shadows of her thought and stirred an alien memory.
He hadn"t changed. Ten years--and he was still Eddie Meredith, with eyes that looked for simple pleasures and seemed to find them. He had always found something to laugh about. Not the way Erik laughed. Erik"s laugh was something that had never ceased to hurt. Strange that Eddie"s voice had never grown tired of laughing during the ten years.
The ache in her heart lightened and she listened with almost a smile--the ghost of another Anna smiling. It was the other Anna who had walked through youth with a joyous indifference to life, to everything but youth. Buried now deep under years, Eddie warmed it back. Eddie sat talking to the ghost that had been Anna Winthrop and that could not answer him.
He was a poor talker. She was too used to Erik. Simple, threadbare phrases, yet she had once thought him brilliant. Perhaps he was--a different kind of brilliance. She noted how his words seemed stimulated with an enthusiasm beyond their sense. Trifles a.s.sumed an importance.
For moments she felt herself looking at the joyousness of an old friend and forgetting. Then as always through the day and night.... "Erik, Erik," murmured itself in her mind ... "he doesn"t love me. Erik, dear Erik!" Over and over, weaving itself into all she said and saw.
Sometimes it started a panic in her. She would feel herself grow dark, wild. Often it seemed to bring death. Things would become vague and she would move through the hours unaware of them.
The joyousness of Eddie drifted away. She remained smiling blankly at him. His words slipped past her ear. Inside, she was wandering--disheveled thoughts were wandering through a darkness. At night she lay beside him as he slept, with her eyes wide open and her lips praying, "Dear Jesus, sweet brother Jesus, give Erik back to me!"
... Or she would crawl out of bed and walk into a deserted room to weep.
Here she could mumble his name till the anguish of her tears choked her.
As the cold streets grew gray she would hurry to bathe her face, even rouging her cheeks, and return to their bed to wait for Erik to awake, that she might caress him, warm something back in him with her kisses, and perhaps hear him whisper her name as he used to do. But he drew himself away, his eyes sometimes filling with tears. "It"s nothing, Anna, nothing. Please don"t ask. I don"t know what it is. My head or something. I feel black inside...." And he would hurry to work, not waiting for her to join him at breakfast.
Then there had been nights when he held her in his arms thinking she was asleep, and she felt his tears dropping over her face--tears of silence. She would lie trembling with a wild joy, yet not daring to open her eyes or speak, knowing he would move away. These moments, feigning sleep and listening to Erik weeping softly against her cheek, had been her only happiness in the four black months since the change had come to him. He still loved her. Yes.... Oh, G.o.d, it was something else. Perhaps madness. She would drift to sleep as his weeping ceased, long after it ceased, and half dreams would come to her of nursing him through terrible darknesses, of warming him with her life, of magically driving away the things that were tormenting him out of his mind--great black things. Through the day she hungered for his return from work, that she might look at him again, even though the sight of him, dark and aloof, tore at her heart till she grew faint.
She had never thought of questioning him calmly. There had been no suspicion of "someone else." That was a thing beyond even the wildest disorder of her imaginings. It was only that Erik was restless, perhaps tired of his home, of her too much loving and longing to go somewhere--away. Her awe of his brain, of his strange, always impenetrable character, adjusted itself to the change in him. There were mysterious things in Erik--things she couldn"t hope to understand. Now these unknown things had grown too big in him. He was different from other men, not to be questioned as one might question other men. So she must wander about blindly, carefully, and drive things away.
She came out of her sorrow reveries and smiled. Eddie was still talking.
The music of a violin, harp, and piano was playing with a rollicking wistfulness through the clatter and laughter of the cafe. Eddie was saying, "There, that"s better. That makes you look like Anna. You were looking like somebody else."
His jolly eyes had a keenness. She must dissemble better. Erik would come in a moment and Eddie must never think....
"I"ve heard about your husband, the lucky dog!" Eddie beamed at her impudently. "Think," he exploded, "of meeting you accidentally after ten years. Wow! Ten years! They say themselves quickly, don"t they? By the way, there"s a curious fellow coming to meet me here. I"ll drag him in.
If your Erik don"t like it I"ll sit on him till he does. His name"s Tesla--Emil Tesla. Bomb-thrower or something. I don"t know exactly. He"s helped me with my collection. Oh, I forgot. You don"t know about that. I keep thinking that you know me. You see nothing has changed in me. I"m still the same Eddie--richer, balder, foolisher, perhaps. It seems you ought to know all about the ten years without being told. But I"ll tell you. I"m an art collector on the sly. Pictures--horrible things that don"t look like anything. I don"t know why I collect them, honestly.
Pictures mean nothing to me. Never did. Particularly the kind I pick up. But it"s a habit that keeps me cheerful. Better than collecting stamps. Cubist, futurist, expressionist. Ever see the d.a.m.n things? I gobble them up. I guess because they"re cheap. Here he is--the young fellow with the soft face."
Meredith rose and jubilantly waved a napkin. A stocky man in loose clothes nodded at him and approached.
"Not Mrs. Erik Dorn," he repeated. Anna nodded. The sound of her husband"s name on others" lips always elated her, even now. She lost for a moment the aversion she felt at the touch of Tesla"s hand. It seemed boneless.... They would all eat together. Anna was an old school friend.
Years ago, ah! many years.