Uncle Geoffrey had never told me; Carrie had only extorted the truth from him with difficulty. My darling girl a cripple! It was Carrie who tried to comfort me as I knelt sobbing beside her.
"Oh, Esther, how you cry! Don"t, my dear, don"t. It makes me still more unhappy. Have I told you too suddenly? But you must know. That is why I could not bear to see Dot come into the room. But I mean to get over my foolishness."
But I attempted no answer. "Cruel, cruel!" were the only words that forced themselves through my teeth.
"You shall not say that," she returned, stroking my hair. "How can it be cruel if it be meant for my good? I have feared this all along, Esther; the mischief has set in in one hip. It is not the suffering, but the thought of my helplessness that frightens me." And here her sweet eyes filled with tears.
Oh, how selfish I was, when I ought to have been comforting her, if only the words would come! And then a sudden thought came to me.
"They also serve who only stand and wait," and I repeated the line softly, and a sort of inspiration came over me.
"Carrie," I said, embracing her, "this must be the work the loving Saviour has now for you to do. This is the Cross He would have you take up, and He who died to save the sinful and unthankful will give you grace sufficient to your need."
"Yes, I begin to think it is!" she returned; and a light came into her eyes, and she lay back in a satisfied manner. "I never thought of it in that way; it seemed my punishment--just taking away my work and leaving me nothing but helplessness and emptiness."
"And now you will look at it as still more difficult work. Oh, Carrie, what will mine be compared to that--to see you patient under suffering, cheerfully enduring, not murmuring or repining? What will that be but preaching to us daily?"
"That will do," she answered faintly; "I must think it out. You have done more for me this afternoon than any one has." And seeing how exhausted she was, I left her, and stole back to my place.
She slept presently, and I sat still in the glimmering firelight, listening to the sounds downstairs that told of Allan"s arrival; but I could not go down and show my tear-stained face. Deborah came up presently to lay the little tea-table, and then Carrie woke up, and I waited on her as usual, and tried to coax her failing appet.i.te; and by-and-by came the expected tap at the door.
Of course it was Allan; no one but himself would come in with that alert step and cheerful voice.
"Well, Carrie, my dear," he said, affectionately, bending over her as she looked up at him--whatever he felt at the sight of her changed face he kept to himself; he kissed me without a word and took his seat by the bedside.
"You know, Allan?" she whispered, as he took her hand.
"Yes, I know; Uncle Geoffrey has told me; but it may not be as bad as you think--you have much for which to be thankful; for weeks he never thought you would get over it. What does it matter about the lameness, Carrie, when you have come back to us from the very jaws of death?" and his voice trembled a little.
"I felt badly about it until Esther talked to me," she returned.
"Esther has been such a nurse to me, Allan."
He looked at me as she said this, and his eyes glistened. "Esther is Esther," he replied, laconically; but I knew then how I satisfied him.
"When we were alone together that night--for I waited downstairs to say good-night to him, while Deborah stayed with Carrie--he suddenly drew me toward him and looked in my face.
"Poor child," he said, tenderly, "it is time I came home to relieve you; you have grown a visionary, unsubstantial Esther, with large eyes and a thin face; but somehow I never liked the look of you so well."
That made me smile. "Oh, Allan, how nice it is to have you with me again!"
"Nice! I should think so; what walks we will have, by the bye. I mean to have Carrie downstairs before a week is over; what is the good of you both moping upstairs? I shall alter all that."
"She is too weak too move," I returned, dubiously.
"But she is not too weak to be carried. You are keeping her too quiet, and she wants rousing a little; she feeds too much on her own thoughts, and it is bad for her; she is such a little saint, you know," continued Allan, half jestingly, "she wants to be leavened a little with our wickedness.
"She is good; you would say so if you heard her."
"Not a bit more good than some other people--Miss Ruth, for example;" but I could see from his mischievous eyes that he was not thinking of Ruth. How well and handsome he was looking: he had grown broader, and there was an air of manliness about him--"my bonnie lad," as I called him.
I went to bed that night with greater contentment in my heart, because Allan had come home; and even Carrie seemed cheered by the hopeful view he had taken of her case.
"He thinks, perhaps, that after some years I may not be quite so helpless," she whispered, as I said good-night to her, and her face looked composed and quiet in the fading firelight; "anyhow, I mean to bear it as well as I can, and not give you more trouble."
"I do not think it a trouble," was my answer as her arms released me; and as I lay awake watching the gleaming shadows in the room, I thought how sweet such ministry is to those we love, their very helplessness endearing them to us. After all, this illness had drawn us closer together, we were more now as sisters should be, united in sympathy and growing deeper into each other"s hearts. "How pleasant it is to live in unity!" said the Psalmist; and the echo of the words seemed to linger in my mind until I fell asleep.
CHAPTER XXI.
SANTA CLAUS.
After all Allan"s sanguine prognostication was not fulfilled. The new year had opened well upon us before Carrie joined the family circle downstairs.
But the sickroom was a different place now, when we had Allan"s cheery visits to enliven our long evenings. A brighter element seemed introduced into the house. I wondered if Carrie felt as I did! if her heart leaped up with pleasure at the sound of his merry whistle, or the light springing footsteps that seemed everywhere!
His vigorous will seemed to dominate over the whole household; he would drag me out peremptorily for what he called wholesome exercise, which meant long, scrambling walks, which sent me home with tingling pulses and exuberant spirits, until the atmosphere of the sick room moderated and subdued them again.
He continued to relieve me in many ways; sometimes he would come in upon us in his quick, alert way, and bundle me and my work-basket downstairs, ordering me to talk to mother, while he gave Carrie a dose of his company. Perhaps the change was good for her, for I always fancied she looked less depressed when I saw her again.
Our choice of reading displeased him not a little; the religious biographies and sentimental sacred poetry that Carrie specially affected were returned to the bookshelves by our young physician with an unsparing hand; he actually scolded me in no measured terms for what he called my want of sense.
"What a goose you are, Esther," he said, in a disgusted voice; "but, there, you women are all alike," continued the youthful autocrat. "You pet one another"s morbid fancies, and do no end of harm. Because Carrie wants cheering, you keep her low with all these books, which feed her gloomy ideas. What do you say? she likes it; well, many people like what is not good for them. I tell you she is not in a fit state for this sort of reading, and unless you will abide by my choice of books I will get Uncle Geoffrey to forbid them altogether."
Carrie looked ready to cry at this fierce tirade, but I am afraid I only laughed in Allan"s face; still, we had to mind him. He set me to work, I remember, on some interesting book of travels, that carried both of us far from Milnthorpe, and set us down in wonderful tropical regions, where we lost ourselves and our troubles in gorgeous descriptions.
One evening I came up and found Allan reading the "Merchant of Venice," to her, and actually Carrie was enjoying it.
"He reads so well," she said, rather apologetically, as she caught sight of my amused face; she did not like to own even to me that she found it more interesting than listening to Henry Martyn"s life.
It charmed us both to hear the sound of her soft laugh; and Allan went downstairs well satisfied with the result of his prescription.
On Christmas Eve I had a great treat. Ruth wanted me to spend the evening with her; and as she took Carrie into her confidence, she got her way without difficulty. Carrie arranged every thing; mother was to sit with her, and then Allan and Deborah would help her to bed. I was to enjoy myself and have a real holiday, and not come home until Allan fetched me.
I had quite a holiday feeling as I put on my new cashmere dress.
Ruth had often fetched me for a drive, but I had not been inside the Cedars for months, and the prospect of a long evening there was delicious.
Flurry ran out into the hall to meet me, and even Giles" grave face relaxed into a smile as he hoped "Miss Cameron was better;" but Flurry would hardly let me answer, she was so eager to show me the wreaths auntie and she had made, and to whisper that she had hung out a stocking for Santa Claus to fill, and that Santa Claus was going to fill one for Dot too.
"Come in, you naughty little chatterbox, and do not keep Esther in the hall," exclaimed Ruth, from the curtained doorway; and the next minute I had my arms round her. Oh, the dear room! how cozy it looked after my months of absence; no other room, not even mother"s pretty drawing-room at Combe Manor, was so entirely to my taste.
There was the little square tea-table, as usual, and the dark blue china cups and saucers, and the wax candles in their silver sconces, and white china lamp, and the soft glow of the ruddy firelight playing into the dim corner.
Ruth drew up the low rocking chair, and took off my hat and jacket, and smoothed my hair.
"How nice you look Esther, and what a pretty dress! Is that Allan"s present? But you are still very thin, my dear.