Chapter 396 - Sometimes I Think I Want To Kill You
Yuhi doesn"t bother glancing over her way, knowing what sort of expression she"s pulling right now.
His gaze remained fixed on the ocean as the snow continued to fall heavily, "Just like a little kid, how childish my behavior is. A brief declaration on a plain piece of paper. Relying on such things to keep our relations.h.i.+p together renders everything worthless and empty."
To propose for such a reason, he knows now that he"s told her the reason she will feel nothing but guilt now. He doesn"t want to see that expression on her face anymore; he doesn"t want to be the reason why she"s suffering.
"You know I fell in love with your voice; the first time I heard it, I was completely mesmerized. Whenever you sang, it felt like everything was coming to life. All the bleak and mundane things suddenly held a meaning. I fell in love with your voice and wanted you to keep on singing no matter what happens. Yet, at the same time, I wanted to stop you from singing. That way, you would remain by my side all the time and only think about me. That"s all I wanted."
Yuhi continued. "If you don"t sing, then you won"t be able to express your feelings for other men. Like that, you would stay by my side and be with me always. You wouldn"t be able to convey your feelings." He trails off, catching a glimpse of her remove her scarf. "Lately, I"ve thought that I want to kill you. I feel that if I do that, then I"ll be able to make her mine forever. It"s dangerous like this."
He is a beast disguised in human skin.
Even if he pretends to be an average person, Yuhi knew that side of himself is something he cannot erase. "These ugly feelings will only hurt you."
Sumire wrapped the scarf around his neck, and he immediately pulled her into a deep embrace.
"I might fall into h.e.l.l someday; what would you do?"
"I"d be going with you. It"s already too late to change everything now. No matter what I say or do, it doesn"t change our situation."
"It was never your fault. Sorry, I love it whenever you sing your heart out, and yet these dark feelings won"t go away."
No matter what he does, such dark and ugly feelings sprout inside of him every single time.
"I know. I"ll sing Yuhi. For you, so listen carefully, okay?"
..
A few hours later.
So he doubts that the press would bother tailing them out here. He doesn"t know whether the English media thinks they are big enough of a group to spy on. But Yuhi knew since the festival they"ve been paying more and more attention to Sumires personal life. "How can she sing like that?" Indeed it would be better to dig into her personal life to find that answer.
Even then, this place is too far away for anybody to care. This is one of the reasons why he bought this palace. In the years since he became popular, n.o.body has followed him here. But Yuhi recalled that media guy who harmed Sumire; it was an incident that happened some time ago, but it left a scar whenever he thought of it.
Yuhi didn"t know what he was doing. But since he exposed such an ugly side of him earlier, the lock on his desires leaked out. It started with him kissing her when they closed the door, but he carried her to his room before long.
Quite some time has pa.s.sed since he last came here, so the place was rather dusty. But he asked Hino to send somebody to at least clean the room.
"Y--"
"Are you nervous again?"
"Yes."
Why is she nervous? Even though it is cute. "I can"t wait," He mumbled against her ear. "do you understand?
"Yuhi wait, the bed will get wet--"
"Sumire," Yuhi repeated. He didn"t say anything, but he knew the girl would understand.
"Uh, I can"t stop you, but Yuhi-san, I don"t want you to catch a cold.
So foolish. Yuhi leaned forward and placed kisses on her neck, and slowly undid the b.u.t.tons on her s.h.i.+rt.
"Uh--!"
"Your nervous, I get it, but you have to calm down."
"Yuhi, please…"
Yuhi gently kissed her lips. "You don"t want to?"
"If she doesn"t, he will have to use other means to get rid of this feeling."
His thoughts broke off when she hesitantly extended her hand out and caressed his cheek. "I understand you are hurt right now. But weren"t you the one who told me not to use such means to cope?"
His gaze darkened at those words. Does she think this is the reason why he is doing this? But those thoughts broke off when he noticed how pale she was.
"Your cold, like ice." He mumbles.
"Aha, what"s with that? But it"s true, spending even a day here makes your body icy cold. Your warm Ren."
That sentence he"s heard before, that"s right, even in moments like this. The one she will think about the most is the guy she loves. Perhaps a part of him had already known that and had refused to acknowledge it.
He refused to acknowledge that because it would mean admitting defeat. Even now, he isn"t acknowledging it. But these past few days he spent even closer by his side have made him realize it even more.
"In a few days, Atus.h.i.+ will come here with your son and pick you up."
"Why?"
"I realized, no, I know I"ve been selfish recently. I shouldn"t stop you from spending time with your family. It isn"t right..I don"t regret touching you. But I have to start thinking properly about your happiness now. What do you really want me to do?"
"It is hard for me to be happy, Yuhi. I always thought I did not deserve happiness, but I changed my mind after I experienced it with Ru. I became selfish and wanted it. I don"t hate you, Yuhi, surely you know that. I believe you"re important to me. But I cannot get rid of the feelings I have for Ru, the feelings I never told him."
At first, he thought the only reason why she still cared for Mamoru was because she never said her feelings on time. But now he sensed something different, even though she is saying this, surely she knew there was something else.
"I don"t want you to take this as my answer."
She"s blunt about it. "I understand. These moments where we can be close like this, is enough isn"t it?"
"Yes."