"Oh, sir," replied the footman, "if that"s all, no doubt I shall please you."
His master, being ill one morning, ordered him to fetch a nurse with all speed. He did not return until late at night, and on being reproached explained the delay by telling that he went and found the nurse who was below; the sequences of a nurse, he thought, were a chemist, a doctor, a surgeon, and an undertaker; and he had asked them all to attend--in fact they were now waiting below.
TWO POINTS OF VIEW
A lawyer travelling by the Great Western to his circuit, wished to be alone in order to study a brief, and having for his single companion a mild clergyman, he got rid of him by affecting insanity. This he did so naturally that all the clergyman"s efforts, after the first quarter of an hour, were directed to soothe and conciliate his fellow-pa.s.senger.
As they pa.s.sed the great Middles.e.x Asylum, he observed, like a nurse with a fractious child, "How pretty Hanwell looks from the railway."
"Ah," answered the lawyer, with a slight bark, "you should see how the railway looks from Hanwell." At the next station the divine got out precipitately, and left the lawyer to himself.
A CANNIBAL
Willie had reached the tender and somewhat difficult age of six when his uncle Edward came on a visit. His first conversation proved rather trying.
"Uncle, you must be a sort o" cannibal.
"A what, sir? What d"yer mean, sir?" returned the uncle.
""Cause mamma said you was always livin" on somebody!"
TO LET--UNFURNISHED
When it was suggested that the squire"s son should enter Parliament he was asked which side he would take. The young man replied that he would vote with those who had the most to offer him, and that he should wear on his forehead a label "To Let." "Do, Tom," commented his father, "and write underneath those words "unfurnished.""
A FRIEND OF SATAN
A clergyman who was an enthusiastic geologist always carried his specimens about in a handkerchief such as navvies use to carry their dinners in. One day, as he was returning home with the handkerchief full of specimens, he saw a navvy seated at the top of a well swearing vigorously because he could not make the windla.s.s work.
"My friend," said the clergyman gravely, "do you know Satan?"
"Satan," said the man; "who"s he? Wait a moment, sir," he added, "I"ll ask my mate. Bill," he called, "do you know Satan?"
The answer came from down the well: "No. Why?"
"Well," said the one at the top, eyeing the handkerchief, "there"s a bloke up here wot"s got his dinner!"
THE TEDDY BEAR
A little girl received a present of a Teddy Bear. Unfortunately one of its eyes was injured in the post. Asked what name she had given it, the child said, "I call it Gladly, because I read in a book the other day, "Gladly my cross I"d bear.""
BROTHERLY LOVE
"Ah!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been preaching to a congregation of a.s.ses." "Was that the reason why you always called them beloved brethren?" a lady inquired.
CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES
On his removal to Bath after his retirement, Quin, the actor, found himself extravagantly charged for everything, and at the end of the week complained of this to Beau Nash, saying that he had invited him to Bath as being the cheapest place in England for a man of taste and a bon vivant. Nash, himself no mean utterer of wit, replied saying that his townsmen had acted upon truly Christian principles. "How so?" demanded Quin. "Why!" concluded the Beau, "you were a stranger and they took you in."
MULTIPLICATION
The little boy was discovered in front of the rabbit-hutch with a perplexed frown on his forehead. "What"s twice two?" he shouted. No response. "What"s twice two?" he repeated. "There, I knew teacher was wrong when he said rabbits multiply quickly."
A BIBLICAL STORY
A clergyman during his first curacy found the ladies of the parish too helpful. He soon left the place. Some while later he met his successor. "How are you getting on with the ladies?" asked the escaped curate. "Oh, very well," was the answer, "there"s safety in numbers."
"I found it in Exodus," was the reply.
THE THOUGHTFUL MAID
"Bridget," said the mistress in a reproving tone of voice, "breakfast is very late this morning. I noticed last night that you had company in the kitchen, and it was nearly twelve o"clock when you went to bed."