A man who was fond of visiting his friends and outstaying his welcome had been cordially received by a Quaker who treated him with attention and politeness for some days. At last his host said, "My friend, I am afraid thee wilt never visit me again." "Oh, yes, I shall," he replied.
"I have enjoyed my visit very much; I will certainly come again."
"Nay," said the Quaker, "I think thee wilt not visit me again." "What makes you think I shall not come again?" asked the visitor. "If thee does never leave," said the Quaker, "how canst thee come again?"
A LOST BALANCE
A celebrated wit coming from a bank which had been obliged to close its doors, slipped down the steps into the arms of a friend.
"Why, what"s the matter?" said the latter.
"Oh," was the quick reply, "I"ve only lost my balance."
A BAD CROP
After a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain: and a country gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful rain; I hope it will bring up everything out of the ground." "By Jove, sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have buried three wives."
NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES
Mr. Pitt was discoursing at a Cabinet dinner on the energy and beauty of the Latin language. In support of the superiority which he affirmed it to have over the English, he a.s.serted that two negatives made a thing more positive than one affirmative possibly could. "Then," said Thurlow, "your father and mother must have been two complete negatives to make such a positive fellow as you are!"
JAW-ACHE
"Why, you have never opened your mouth this session," said Sir Thomas Lethbridge to Mr. Gye; replied Mr. Gye, "Your speeches have made me open it very frequently. My jaws have ached with yawning."
HER PROGRAMME
Jane had asked for an evening off to go to her first dance. Returning at a very early hour, she was asked by her master whether she had enjoyed herself. "No, indeed, sir," she replied, "I was most insulted."
"How was that, Jane?" "I "adn"t been there very long, sir, when a young man comes up and hactually hasks whether my programme was full. And I"d only "ad two sandwiches."
THE PROUD FATHER
"Shure an" it"s married Oi am!" said Pat to an old friend he had not seen for a long time. "You don"t mane it?" "Faith, an" it"s true. An"
Oi"ve got a fine healthy bhoy, an" the neighbours say he"s the very picture of me." "Och, niver moind what they say," said Mick. "What"s the harm so long as the child is healthy."
A MIRACLE
An Irish parson of the old school, in whom a perception of the ridiculous was developed with a Rabelaisian breadth of appreciation, was asked by a clodhopper to explain the meaning of a miracle. "Walk on a few paces before me," said his reverence, which having done the peasant was surprised to feel in the rear a kick, administered with decided energy. "What did you do that for?" demanded the young man angrily.
"Simply to ill.u.s.trate my meaning," replied the cleric blandly; "if you had not felt it, it would have been a miracle."
KEEPING TIME
A gentleman at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, how he should stir the fire without interrupting the music. "Between the bars,"
replied the friend.
QUESTION AND ANSWER
A Quaker was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by his theeing and thouing, one of them with a stern countenance asked him--"Pray, sir, do you know what we sit here for?"--"Yea," replied Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen hundred and fifty pounds a year."
MOTHER"S JAM POTS
"w.i.l.l.y, why were you not at school yesterday?" asked the teacher.
"Please, mum," answered the absentee, "Muvver made marmalade yesterday and she sent me to the cemetery."
"What on earth for?"
"To collect some jam pots, mum."