"Oh, that"s nothing," was the reply, "I saw a friend coming out of a fly this morning."
WHOLLY GOOD
At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, "I think if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired effect--she immediately sat down. A young minister standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother! how could you say what was not the fact."
"Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on."
"CAREFUL, NOW!"
"How is it, Mary, that whenever I enter the kitchen I always find a man there?" enquired a mistress.
"I don"t know, ma"am, indeed, unless it be them there soft shoes ye wears, that don"t make no noise," replied Mary.
SAFETY
An English gentleman, travelling through the county of Kilkenny, came to a ford, and hired a boat to take him across. The water being rather more agitated than was agreeable to him, he asked the boatman if any person was ever lost in the pa.s.sage! "Never," replied Terence; "never.
My brother was drowned here last week; but we found him again the next day."
O"BRIEN THE LUCID
"You are not opaque, are you?" sarcastically asked one man of another who was standing in front of him at the theatre. "Faith, an" Oi"m not,"
replied the other. "It"s...o...b..ien that Oi am."
MERCY
An old woman walking down the church aisle during service in a large red cloak, heard the minister say, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" then the clerk repeated, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" and then the whole congregation echoed, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" "Bless my heart!"
cried she, stopping short, "did ye never see an old woman in a red cloak before."
A BULL
"Pat, can you tell me what is an Irish "bull"?" asked an inquiring tourist. "Well, if your honour has seen four cows lying down in a field, an" one of them standing up, that "ud be a bull!" retorted Pat triumphantly.
A GOOD REASON
"That"s a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes, and he never cries," replied the old lady. "That"s because he"s never washed,"
rejoined the youngster.
THE ARREST
"Now, Pat," said a magistrate sympathetically to an "old offender,"
"what brought you here again?" "Two policemen, sor," was the laconic reply. "Drunk, I suppose?" queried the magistrate. "Yes, sor," said Pat, without relaxing a muscle, "both av them."
CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM
"As you are well up in biblical points, will you tell us the difference between the cherubim and seraphim?" Father Healy was once asked.
"Well, I believe there was a difference between them a long time ago, but they have since made it up."
SOLITUDE
An amusing anecdote is told by Schopenhauer in support of his theory of the ridiculous. One man said to another, "I am very fond of taking long walks by myself." "So am I," said the other; "our tastes are congenial, so let us take long walks together."
A QUESTION OF NUMBERS
A nursery-maid was leading a little child up and down a garden. "Is"t a laddie or a la.s.sie?" asked the gardener. "A laddie," said the maid.
"Weel," said he, "I"m glad o" that, for there"s ower mony women in the world." "Heck, mon," said Jess, "did ye no ken there"s ay maist sown o"