CREDIT
A beautiful girl stepped into an American store and asked for a pair of gloves. "Why," said a gallant but impudent clerk, "you may have them for a kiss." "Agreed," said the young lady, pocketing the gloves, and her eyes speaking daggers; "agreed; and as I see you give credit, you may charge it in your books, and collect it the best way you can."
UNKIND
An indifferent artist, who thought himself an excellent painter, was talking pompously about decorating the ceiling of his drawing-room. "I am white-washing it," said he, "and in a short time I shall begin painting." "I think," replied one of his audience, "you had better paint it first, and white-wash it afterwards."
NOT COMPULSORY
A haughty gentleman entering a restaurant was accosted by the waiter with the inquiry, "Soup, sir? Soup, sir?" The customer took no notice and calmly removed his overcoat, on which the waiter reiterated his question. Becoming angry, the gentleman said, "Is it compulsory?"
"No," was the reply, "It"s oxtail, sir."
"YOU"LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!"
A Fellow of Jesus College was handicapped by stammering, but when he used bad words he could talk fluently. In one of his solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road. "Tu-u-rn," was the reply, "to-to-to--" and so on for a minute or two; at last he burst out, "Confound it, man! you"ll get there before I can tell you!"
AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT
A poor man came to his minister and begged to be unmarried, for he was very unhappy. The minister a.s.sured him that was out of the question, and urged him to put away the notion of anything so absurd. The man insisted that the marriage could not hold good, for the wife was worse than the devil. The minister demurred saying that was quite impossible.
"Na," said the poor man, "the Bible tells ye that if ye resist the deil he flees frae ye, but if ye resist her she flees at ye."
A DIFFICULT TASK
A school inspector, finding that the boys whom he was examining were inattentive, endeavoured to pull them together.
"Now then," said he, "will somebody please give me a number and watch how I make the figures?"
"74," called out a youth, and the cla.s.s gazed while the inspector wrote on the board 47.
Another number was called for and a boy cried out "65" the inspector turned round and wrote 56. As the cla.s.s took no notice the inspector became annoyed, and asked the boys if they noticed nothing different in the figures. n.o.body replied, so he thought he would make another attempt and called again for a number. A long pause ensued, but at last a boy stood up and said 33, adding in a low tone, "See what you can do to twist that round."
NON-RUNNERS
An old lady wrote to the S.P.C.A. to protest against the cruel practice of scratching horses. She called special attention to a reference in the morning paper saying that three horses had been scratched on the day of the race--a most cruel and barbarous thing to do.
THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN
An Englishman being doubtful of his way inquired if he were on the right road to Dunkeld. With the national inquisitiveness about strangers the countryman asked his inquirer where he came from. Offended at the liberty as he considered it, the traveller reminded the man that where he came from was nothing to him, but all the reply he got was the quiet rejoinder. "Indeed, it"s just as little to me whar ye"r gaen."
A VIOLENT PARTNER
A gentleman well-known for the violence of his temper had occasion to escort a lady down to dinner one evening. Unfortunately the lady was extremely deaf, of which fact her partner was unaware.
After they were seated, the gentleman addressed the lady, "Madam, may I have the honour to help you to some fish?" But he got no reply; after a pause but still in the most courteous accents, "Madam, have I your permission to send you some fish?" Then a little quicker, "Are you inclined to take fish?" Very quick, and rather peremptory, "Madam, do you choose fish?" At last the storm burst, and to everybody"s consternation, with a loud thump on the table and stamp on the floor, "D---- you, will you have any fish!"
WISDOM
An Irishman, being asked the meaning of the phrase "posthumous works"
readily answered, "Why, to be sure, they are the books that a man writes after he is dead."
A DOUBTFUL POINT
A minister engaged in visiting members in his parish came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of discussion within. After waiting a little, he opened the door and walked in, saying in an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who is the head of this house."
"Well, sir," said the husband, and father, "if you will sit down for a little while, maybe we"ll be able to tell you, for that is the very point we are now trying to settle."