HUSBAND OR COW
The wife of a small farmer in Perthshire went to a chemist with two prescriptions--one for her husband, and the other for her cow. Finding she had not money to pay for both, the chemist asked her which she would take. "Gie me that for the coo," said the wife; "if my man were to dee, I could sune get another; but I am not sae sure if I would sune get another coo."
A NEW METHOD
It was baking day and mother was very busy with other duties also.
"May," she cried, "see if the cake is done. Put a knife in it and if it comes out clean you"ll know that it is finished." "Yes," added father, "and if it comes out clean stick the others in too."
GRAt.i.tUDE NOT APPRECIATED
"You have saved my life," said the old man whom the young hero had just pulled out of the river. "As a reward you may marry my daughter there."
The hero glanced at the daughter, then grasped the old man. "What are you doing?" asked the perplexed father. "Going to drop you in again,"
he replied.
ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD
A merchant dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors" ears, "Farewell," said one, "there is so much of mine gone with him." "And he carried so much of mine," said another. One hearing them make their several complaints said, "Well, I see now, that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men"s."
COLD FEET
"Do you suffer from cold feet?" the doctor asked the young wife.
"Yes," she replied.
He promised to send her some medicine to take.
"Oh," she said nervously. "They"re--not--not mine."
BUSYBODIES
A master of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will, sir." "What are you doing?" "Nothing, sir." "Is Tom there?" "Yes,"
said Tom. "What are you doing?" "Helping Will, sir."
ALDERMANIC TASTES
_Freddy_: "Papa, may I study elocution?"
_Proud Father_: "Indeed you may, my boy, if you wish. You desire to become a great orator, do you?"
"Yes, that"s it."
"And some day perhaps have your voice ringing in the vaulted chamber of the first legislative a.s.sembly in the world?"
"I shouldn"t care for that. I want to be an after-dinner speaker."
"Ah, you are ambitious for social distinction, then?"
"No--I want the dinners."
"WARRANTED TO KILL"
An itinerant "old-clo" woman on reaching a village in an irritated condition proceeded to the general shop with a request for a certain useful powder. The shopkeeper expressed his ability to supply her need either in packet form or loose. "Don"t you worry about no packet, young man," she said. "Jest pour it down here," indicating her open collar.
PROFESSIONAL
An editor being asked at dinner if he would take some pudding, replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we are unable to find room for it."
THE NEW VERSION
A cla.s.s of boys were undergoing an examination in Scripture. The subject was the Good Samaritan. "And why do you consider the Pharisee, after looking at him, pa.s.sed by on the other side?" "Because he saw he had been robbed already," was the answer given.