Every nerve and muscle in my body was frozen, waiting. I almost didn"t want to hear this. Almost.
He rested his elbows on the table and leaned forward, his shoulders hunching up. The heel of his foot bounced a rhythm on the floor. A lick of dark hair fell down across his forehead, finally tired of staying where his fingers had raked it back. "I ... Audrey lied to me about the baby. She and Andy concocted the plan to get me to leave here. I found out she"d lied about the pregnancy after our tour wrapped up and ... I went ballistic. But then she said the pregnancy was real and that she"d lost the baby. G.o.d, I didn"t know what to believe. I"m a.s.suming she said she lost the baby to make me feel guilty for breaking up with her. But I"m not sure I"ll ever know the truth, and with her, it may never matter. She"ll get people to believe anything if it paints her in a better light. I didn"t know whether to be relieved, to grieve, or to hit something." He laughed, humorlessly. "I went with all three."
There was so much to process. My stomach continued churning. I folded my arms tightly across my midsection. "How were you so sure the baby was yours? Hadn"t she just cheated on you? And didn"t you tell me you guys had been over for a while? I ..." I swallowed thickly. So much for us keeping the conversation in the friend-zone. "That was the hardest part, Jack."
I hadn"t meant to stop him telling his story, and I still wanted to get back to it, but I couldn"t help myself now that we were on this topic. I looked down as I spoke. "I couldn"t believe you just trusted the words that came out of her mouth that day and let me walk out the door. You basically told me without words right then that you lied to me, that it wasn"t over with her. That I was the chump. I felt so stupid."
He didn"t answer right away, so I finally looked up and met his eyes. A muscle ticked away in his cheek, and I knew he was struggling with how to respond. After a few moments, his shoulders slumped and he leaned down and rested his elbows on his knees, inspecting his feet. "Our relationship was over, we hadn"t ... in forever ... but ... yes, there was a chance it was mine."
I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment and steeled myself for the torrent of boy c.r.a.p that was about to come. Jazz and I had always shaken our heads in bewilderment and snickered as we watched TV shows where the wife or girlfriend, or boyfriend for that matter, believed excuse after excuse from their no good partner. How could people not see it coming, I"d wondered? And now I knew, of course. You want to believe. That want being stronger than any fact that could be slapped in your face.
"Go on," I said. I could actually be in a TV show right now. Here I was looking at Jack Eversea, a face the world knew so well. That I knew so well. A collection of features that were so familiar, yet buzzed in and out of focus from my personal recognition and that of tabloid pictures and movie parts.
"I-" He swallowed, loudly. "I don"t think you hate me right now, but you may hate me when I get done telling you." He looked up.
His eyes were deep, mossy green pools of emotion and it walloped me straight in the chest.
I held my breath.
"I feel like I just climbed out of a river of s.h.i.t. I can"t ... I won"t risk you hating me right now."
"Just freaking tell me, Jack." My voice was hard and bitter. "Tell me the truth, tell me all of it. Do me the courtesy of not deciding which parts you think I should hear."
"That"s not-"
"Otherwise what"s the point of this? Why are you here? If I end up hating you, it would be easier for us all. Please. Please make me hate you. Why don"t you just finish the job so I can get on with my life!"
Oh my G.o.d.
My heart pounded and my breathing was choppy. Shame and humiliation poured through every fiber of my being as my words reverberated in the silence. Me admitting that I couldn"t get on with my life, that I wasn"t over him.
Way. To. Go.
Seven long months to get over him, and I threw away my pride in seven seconds. My skin flashed hot.
Jack stared.
I couldn"t look away.
And then he moved, his body lunging out of the chair, the sound sc.r.a.ping across the floor in a loud screech as he came at me. His arm was around my body lifting me against his chest, crushing the air out of me.
I gasped to get my air back, and breathed Jack in, just as his mouth crashed onto mine.
His lips were hard and demanding, and then they parted, his tongue licking into my mouth.
I felt wounded, open, and ... consumed. The feel of his mouth on mine was a shock of sensation. I"d been reliving his kiss every day since the moment I"d first felt it. I craved it. I craved him.
His taste was exotic, extravagant, like something I shouldn"t have. The silky slide of his tongue. I parried against it, even though I could barely move with the way his hand held my head just so and the hard press of his chest that rumbled with a suppressed groan. I was madly clutching his soft hair, fisting long tufts of it, trying to hold him, to taste him. Inhaling him. When did my hands get up there?
The tornado of long denied emotions and latent s.e.xual frustration spun and tumbled and then touched down throughout my body. I was dizzy, like we were simply sensation and emotion and had lost our bodies.
Jack"s arm tightened, his chest heaving, his desperation intoxicating me. Then his hands were holding my face, his lips gentling and molding to mine. As his tongue slowed and stroked, the pace became agonizingly sweet and infinitely more dangerous.
I suddenly let out a half-sob that slapped me in the face.
No! Oh my G.o.d, no! I couldn"t do this.
With everything I had, I pulled away, pulled my lips from his, struggling not to sink back into him.
His arms gave a little as he felt my resistance.
I tilted my face up as I shook my head and saw his eyes flicker open to meet mine. His breath sawed in and out, fanning across my skin.
Confusion morphed into something indiscernible as his fathomless green eyes focused on me. And then he was cupping my face.
I tried to turn my face away.
Jack closed his eyes tight once more, his brow creasing up, his mouth grim, like he was in pain.
I dropped my arms.
"No," he said harshly, through gritted teeth. Pulling me in, his hands wrapping around my body, gathering me close, and holding me tight against him. "Don"t let go."
But I didn"t hold him back. My arms fell limply to my sides, and I willed the beat of desire to slowly ebb from my body. It wasn"t difficult now that the shame was winning out. Inhaling deeply, taking a last hit of Jack"s scent as my cheek pressed against his soft t-shirt, I steeled myself to push him away. I didn"t want to be held like some baby who needed comfort. I couldn"t stand his pity a moment longer.
And then everything shifted. His shoulders sagged, and his back curved out as his head slid down to my shoulder. He turned his face into my neck and ... clung to me.
Jack clung to me like he"d never let me go. He inhaled the scent from my neck and held me tighter, his fingers curling in to my back like a drowning man.
Unsure of what to do, I hesitated, then gave in to my instinct and brought my arms up and tentatively slid them around him, trying to ignore the terrain of his well-muscled back.
He tensed for a moment then relaxed into our embrace, breathing in deeply.
We stayed like that for several long minutes. They were too long and not long enough.
"I don"t know how to go back," he whispered, shifting slightly, his hand running up to my hair and his mouth moving to my ear.
My skin chilled at the feeling, a rush of a tingle across my nerve endings as his breath fanned out with his words.
"I don"t know how to go back to where we were, to what we had," he breathed softly, "to what we were supposed to be." He paused again. "What we are meant to be."
"Jack-"
"Shhh. Please," he whispered, hoa.r.s.ely. "Please, just listen."
I closed my eyes and focused on his voice as it danced over my skin and my fears as if they were nothing. Melodious, but rough. Whispered but heavy with emotion.
"I know I"m probably too late, and I know you are probably better off with him, and I know you probably don"t want me to fight for you. I have no right to. But I want to. I want to. I have been fighting for you. It"s taken me seven months to get back to you, to try and do it the only way I knew how, to protect you."
I stiffened, my stomach rolling. What did that mean? I shook my head. "No, Jack, don"t-"
"Listen," he said harshly, keeping my head still so I couldn"t look at him. "Listen. Not by looking at me, not by remembering who I am and why you don"t believe me. Don"t look at me and see the guy in the media. The guy you think I am after what I did. Listen to me."
I stilled and after a few moments nodded. I"d told myself I wanted to get through all of this tonight, so I would listen even if it killed me. I may not believe it, but I"d listen. He could tell me any excuse or reason under the sun, and it wouldn"t change the fact that I had neither the temperament nor the inclination to be the casual girlfriend of a Hollywood superstar like Jack Eversea. I wasn"t going to pick this up where we left off like nothing ever happened.
He breathed out in my ear.
I shivered. This was torture. Pure and simple.
"I can tell you everything that happened whenever you want or need to hear it, but none of it matters. I can"t change it. I can"t go back and do anything differently. But there are some things you don"t know that you need to know." Jack"s hand on my hair burrowed in, loosening the bun that was already coming unbound, and ma.s.saged my scalp. His other roamed up and down my spine.
I took a calming breath, trying to keep my head while I rode this out. I could so do this.
Jack moved his lips closer to my ear lobe, and my pulse hiked up another level. He swallowed, audibly. "Let"s start with something I never told you before. I, Jack Eversea, am ... utterly in ... love ... with you, Keri Ann Butler."
I froze, my breath ceasing to function normally. No. He was not doing this, throwing around the "L" word like I was young enough and dumb enough for it to be a cure-all. A magic bullet to diffuse a situation. I ground my teeth. Oh my G.o.d, if I survived this encounter, it would be a miracle.
Hysteria swirled in me, making me nauseous and lightheaded. I could laugh in his face. That would throw him. I wrenched my head away from his, grabbing his upper arms and held him at bay, needing to see his face as disjointed feelings and reactions boiled inside me.
His piercing green eyes held nothing but sincerity in them.
"You knew me for ten d.a.m.n days," I spewed. "And you haven"t seen me for months. When did you decide that, Jack? Was it when you were thinking with your d.i.c.k before you f.u.c.ked me? Or did you just suddenly decide it, since you"ve seen me again? How romantic."
He flinched at my words. Shocked?
d.a.m.n, I was shocked. Shocked at my words and angry as h.e.l.l. Angry that he thought he could use me again.
"It was never a decision, Keri Ann," Jack said harshly and shook his head.
Moments ticked by and his expression cycled through confusion and emotions I couldn"t read. Didn"t want to read.
His mouth became a grim line. "You don"t ... decide ... to stand in front of someone one day and have them splinter you apart by just looking at you."
My throat felt thick.
He swallowed. "And I didn"t f.u.c.k you. Believe me, I"ve done enough f.u.c.king ..."
I flinched.
"... to know the difference."
I licked my lips, trying to find moisture.
His eyes dropped down.
My back was against the counter, I had nowhere to step back to. My mind failed to remember what I wanted to say to him. "You"ll forgive me if I have trouble believing you. Did you manage to remember that you "loved" me," I made air quotes, "while you were cavorting around England with every girl who crossed your path? Did you think I wouldn"t see that, or didn"t you care if I did?"
"That"s not what it-"
"I mean who are you right now, Jack?" I didn"t want to hear his excuses. "Are you the actor who"s playing the part of the good guy? Are you trying to do the right thing now? Because I don"t need it. I don"t need you." I took a deep breath and tilted my chin up, staring him in the eyes, ignoring how upset he looked, with his jaw tight, his shoulders rigid, and his bottom lip white as he worked it repeatedly with his teeth. "I may want you," I said, emphasizing the word and pausing. It was a word he"d used with me, a word that had ultimately led me to kiss him. But a word that should simply mean an attraction and nothing else, that shouldn"t have led to anything else. "I may want you and be attracted to you, but I don"t need you-"
"Let"s work with that. You "want" me. That"s a good start. We can"t go back, so let"s start again. Just give us a place to start. Give me a place to start."
I held onto his upper arms, feeling their heat, their strength, rock hard under my fingers, and I drew on that strength to do what needed to be done. "It"s not a start, Jack. It"s what got this all so messed up in the first place. I"m attracted to you, sure. So is probably everyone you"ve ever met. It"s how you"re made. But that"s neither here nor there."
"That"s not all you think of me. I know it isn"t."
"It doesn"t matter if I have real feelings or not-"
"It does. It means everything."
"No. It. Doesn"t." I cast my eyes away from his and his arms tensed under my hands. I couldn"t look at him while I said this. "Since it turns out I didn"t really know you at all, I"m going to a.s.sume I was just like every other girl who"s ever fallen into your bed. Maybe it was the idea of you. The part you played with me. The Jack I knew then wouldn"t have deliberately hurt me ... maybe I never felt real things for you. How could I when I"m not sure who you are?"
I looked back up at him and faltered a moment at his expression. Even the flush on his cheekbones had leeched away. Complete and utter devastation. I"d thought for a second that he wouldn"t believe me. I barely believed me. That was a seriously low blow and not like me.
Oh G.o.d.
"You do know me," Jack said, his voice rough. "You know me better than anyone on this planet. And I pegged you for more honesty than that. I know you felt something real, not based on the illusion of Jack Eversea. I can see it. I can feel it. It is real. The only real f.u.c.king thing I"ve felt in forever."
"Stop it, Jack." I winced, resisting his words as best I could. "It doesn"t matter. How I feel about you isn"t even up for discussion. It"s irrelevant because I already know where this ends. I"ve been there."
I knew I couldn"t have Jack in moderation. I wasn"t capable of it. I"d opened my whole heart to him already, and it had ended in a nightmare. All I could do now was put the deadbolt on, close the shades, and pray for daylight.
"I understand why you"re saying this, but you"re wrong," he implored. "s.h.i.t. I did this all wrong. I"m pushing you. I went too fast. I"m sorry. I just needed to see you again, tell you what happened, not freak you out."
"Jack. I"m not an idiot. Whether you push me or not still leads to the same place. Fast or slow, I"m not going there. And I thought it would matter to me to know what happened, but I don"t think it will make any difference."
"I should have told you before how I felt."
"G.o.d, Jack. What you should have done if you really felt the way you say you do, was not leave the way you did and not contact me for over half a year. What? Did you expect me to wait around pining after you? Well, I did. Does that make you happy? Make you feel more appreciated? Do you not get enough love from your adoring fans? I was devastated. But I"m moving on now. Or trying to. And I will as soon as you leave."
I breathed through the crushing pressure that suddenly sprang up in my chest and gripped his arms tighter to stop the shaking in my hands. I needed to finish this, give him no way out. I couldn"t go back now. I"d only be here again the next time. "If there"s any truth to what you are saying about being in love with me-"
"No," Jack said desperately, his green eyes flaring. "Don"t say it, Keri Ann. I know what you"re going to ask of me. Please ... don"t do it."
"If you truly love me, then you"ll respect my request ... and walk away from this. Leave. Me. Alone."
When I was nine, Alex O"Rourke hit a six in cricket that nailed me right in the chest. It was a h.e.l.l of a shot, and he made the Second Eleven"s team for it, even though he was only on the Under-Nine"s up until then. I was out for the count and flat on my back. There was no air, no oxygen, and no capacity to get some. I lay on the field presumably turning blue before the umpire made it over to me.
The evidence of the hit was a smear on my Aran v-neck from the red leather cricket ball right above my solar plexus.
The bright blue and cloudless British sky above me darkened around the edges and narrowed to a pinp.r.i.c.k as my starved lungs communicated frantically, and in vain, with my brain. That tiny spot of light was the last thing I remembered until I woke up in hospital while they were x-raying my chest.
Standing in front of Keri Ann, as she closes the door on our relationship feels like that day. I know I need to keep breathing in and out. And I know I should say something, anything, to stop her, but my brain doesn"t know how.
I"ve said too much, anyway. And I haven"t told her enough.
I"ve f.u.c.ked up.