"I won"t then. But I feel very strongly. And you will let me tell you how grieved I should have been, if--if that slammed door had been the end between us."
"The end between us was long ago."
"Not in my thoughts, for I never meant to hurt you. I never stopped being your friend, in spite of all the unkind, unjust things you said to me. I"m proud now that I had your friendship once, even if I haven"t it now."
"You had everything there was in me--_except_ friendship. Now, of that everything, only ashes are left. The fires have burnt out. You"ve heard what I suppose they call my story, so you know why. If those fires weren"t dead, I shouldn"t have dared trust myself to risk this talk with you. As it is--I let your eyes call me back. Not that they called consciously. It was the past that called----"
"They _would_ have called consciously if you"d given them time!" I ventured to smile at him, with a look that asked for kindness. He did not smile back, but he did not frown. His deep-set eyes, in their hollow sockets, gazed at me as if they were memorizing each feature.
"You"re lovelier than ever, Mary," he said. "There"s something different about your face. You"ve suffered."
"My brother is blind."
"Ah! There"s more than that."
"Yes."
"You loved the son of these rich people the girl told me about? She says you didn"t love him, but she"s wrong--isn"t she?"
"She"s wrong. She knows about things I"ve done, but nothing about what I think or feel. I did love Jim Beckett, Doctor Paul. You don"t mind being called by the old name? I"ve learned how it hurts to love."
"That will do you no harm, Mary. I can speak with you about such things now, for the spirit of a dead woman stands between us. I didn"t love her when she was alive. But if I hadn"t married her and brought her to France she"d be living now. She died through me--and for me. I think of her with immense tenderness and--a kind of loyalty; a fierce loyalty. I don"t know if you understand."
"Indeed I do! I almost envy her that brave death."
"We won"t talk of her any more now," Herter said with a sigh. "I"ve a feeling she wouldn"t like us to discuss her, together. She used to be--jealous of you, poor girl! There are other things I wanted to say.
The first--but you"ve guessed it already!--is this: the minute I looked into your face, there in the hospice, I forgave you the pain you made me suffer. In the first shock of meeting your eyes, I didn"t realize that I"d forgiven. It wasn"t till I"d slammed the door that I knew."
I didn"t repeat that I had not purposely done anything which needed forgiveness. I only looked at him with all the kindness and pity in my heart, and waited until he should go on.
"The second thing I wanted to say is, that just the one look told me you weren"t happy and gay as you used to be. When I"d shut the door, I could still see you clearly, as if I had the power to look through the wood. I said to myself, that girl"s eyes have got the sadness of the whole world in them. They seem as if they were begging for help, and didn"t know where on earth it was coming from. Was that a true impression? I waited to ask you this, even more than to see you again."
"It is true," I confessed. "There"s only this difference between my feelings and your impression of them. I _know_ there"s no help on earth for me. Such help as there is, I get from another place. Do you remember how I used to talk about the dear Padre who was our guardian--my brother"s and mine--and how I told him nearly everything good and bad that I thought or did? Well, he went to the front as a chaplain and he has been killed. But I go on writing him letters, exactly as if he could give me advice and comfort, or scold me in the old way."
"What about your brother? The girl--Miss O"Farrell she called herself, I think--said he was with you on this journey. And to-day I recognized him at Soeur Julie"s, from his likeness to you. I shouldn"t have guessed he was blind. He has a beautiful face. Do you get no comfort from him?"
"Much comfort from his presence and love," I said. "But I try to keep him happy. I don"t bother him with my troubles. I won"t even let him talk of them. They"re taboo."
"I wish _I_ could help you!" Herter exclaimed.
"Your wish is a help."
"Ah, but I"d like to give more than that! I"m going away--that"s the third thing I wanted to tell you. A little while ago I was glad to be going (so far as it"s in me, nowadays, to be glad of anything) because I--I"ve been given a sort of--mission. Since we"ve had this talk, I"d put off going if I could. But I can"t. Is your brother"s case past cure?"
"It"s not absolutely hopeless. Doctor Paul, this is a confidence! It"s to try and cure him that I"m with the Becketts. He doesn"t know--and I can"t explain more to you. But a specialist in Paris ordered Brian a life in the open air, and as much pleasure and interest as possible. You see, it"s the optic nerve that was paralyzed in a strange way by sh.e.l.l shock. Some day Brian"s sight may--just _possibly_ may--come back all of a sudden."
"Ah, that"s interesting. I"m not an oculist, but I know one or two of the best men, who have made great reputations since this war. Who was your specialist in Paris?"
I told him.
"A good man," he p.r.o.nounced, "but I have a friend who is better. I"ll write you a letter to him. You can send it if you choose. That"s one service I can do for you, Mary. It may prove a big one. But I wish there were something else--something for _you_, yourself. Maybe there will be one day. Who can tell? If that day comes, I shan"t be found wanting or forgetful."
"It"s worth a lot to have met you and had this talk," I said. "It"s been like a warm fire to cold hands. I do hope, dear Doctor Paul, that you"re not going on a dangerous mission?"
He laughed--the quaint laugh I remembered, like a crackling of dry brushwood. "No more danger for me in it than there is for a bit of toasted cheese in a rat-trap."
"What a queer comparison!" I said. "It sounds as if you were going to be a bait to deceive a rat."
"Multiply the singular into the plural, and your quick wit has deciphered my parable."
"I"m afraid my wit doesn"t deserve the compliment. I can"t imagine what your mission really is. Unless----"
"Unless--what? No! Don"t let us go any further. Because I mustn"t tell you more, even if you should happen to guess. I"ve told you almost too much already. But confidence for confidence. You gave me one. Consider that I"ve confided something to you in return. There"s just a millionth chance that my mission--whatever it is--may make me of use to you. Give me an address that will find you always, and then--I must be going. I have to return to the hospice and see some patients. No need to write the directions. Better not, in fact. I shall have no difficulty in remembering anything that concerns you, even the most complicated address."
"It"s not complicated," I laughed; and gave him the name of the Paris bankers in whose care the Becketts allow Brian and me to have letters sent--Morgan Harjes.
He repeated the address after me, and then stopped, holding out his hand. "That"s all," he said abruptly. "I shall be glad, whatever happens, that I waited, and had this talk with you. Good-bye."
"Good-bye--and good luck in the mission," I echoed.
He pressed my hand so hard that it hurt, and with one last look turned away. He did not go far, however, but stopped on his way back to ask Dierdre O"Farrell about her arm. She and Brian (Puck had joined the Becketts) were only a few paces behind me, and pausing involuntarily I heard what was said. It was easy to see that Dierdre wished me to hear her part.
"My arm is going on very well," she informed her benefactor. "I thank you again for your kindness in attending to it. But I don"t think it was kind to order me to keep a secret, and then give it away yourself. You made me seem an--ungracious pig and a fool. I shouldn"t mind that, if it did you good, in return for the good you"ve done me. But since it was for nothing----"
"I apologize," Herter broke in. "I meant what I said then. But a power outside myself was too strong for me. Maybe it will be the same for you some day. Meanwhile, don"t make the mistake I made: don"t do other people an injustice."
Leaving Dierdre at bay between anger and amazement, he stared with professional eagerness into Brian"s sightless eyes, and stalked off toward the hospice.
CHAPTER XVI
Since I wrote you last, Padre, I have been in the trenches--real, live trenches, not the faded, half-filled-up ghosts of trenches where men fought long ago. I had to give my word not to tell or write any one just where these trenches are, so I won"t put details in black and white, even in pages which are only for you and me. I keep this book that you gave me in my hand-bag, and no eyes but mine see it--unless, dear Padre, you come and look over my shoulder while I scribble, as I often feel you do! Still--something might happen: an automobile accident; or the bag might be lost or stolen, though it"s not a gorgeously attractive one, like that in which Mother Beckett carries Jim"s letters.
It was the day after Luneville and Gerbeviller. We started out once again from Nancy, no matter in which direction, but along a wonderful road. Not that the scenery was beautiful. We didn"t so much as think of scenery. The thrill was in the pa.s.sing show, and later in the "camouflage." We were going to be given a glimpse of the Front which the communiques (when they mention it at all nowadays) speak of as calm. Its alleged "calmness" gave us non-combatants our chance to pay it a visit; but many wires had been pulled to get us there, and we had dwindled to a trio, consisting of Father Beckett, Brian, and me. Mother Beckett is not made for trenches, even the calmest, and there was no permission for the occupants of the Red Cross taxi, who are not officially of our party. They have their own police pa.s.s for the war-zone, but all special plums are for the Becketts, shared by the O"Malleys; and this visit to the trenches was an extra-special superplum.
All along the way, coming and going, tearing to meet us, or leaving us behind, splashed with gray mud after a night of rain, motor-lorries sped. They carried munitions or food to the front, or brought back tired soldiers bound for a place of rest, and their roofs were marvellously "camouflaged" in a blend of blue and green paint splotched with red. For aeroplanes they must have looked, in their processions, like drifting mist over meadowland. Shooting in and out among them, like slim gray swordfish in a school of porpoise, were military cars crowded with smart officers who saluted the lieutenant escorting us, and stared in surprise at sight of a woman. A sprinkling of these officers were Americans, and they would have astonished us more than we astonished them had we not known that we should see Americans. They were to be, indeed, the "feature" of the great show; and though Mr. Beckett was calm in manner to match the Front, I knew from his face that he was deeply moved by the thought of seeing "boys from home" fighting for France as his dead son had fought.
At each small village we saw soldiers who had been sent to the "back of the Front" for a few days" change from the trenches. They lounged on long wooden benches before humble houses where they had _logement_; they sat at tables borrowed from kitchens, earnestly engaged at dominoes or _manille_, or they played _boules_ in narrow gra.s.s alleys beside the muddy road. For them we had packed all vacant s.p.a.ce in the auto with a cargo of cigarettes; and white teeth flashed and blue arms waved in grat.i.tude as we went by. I think Father Beckett was happier than he had been since we left Paris.
At last we came to a part of the road that was "camouflaged" with a screen of branches fixed into wire. There was no great need of it in these days, our lieutenant explained, but Heaven knew when it might be urgently wanted again: perhaps to-morrow! And this was where we said "_au revoir_" to our car. She was wheeled out of the way on to a strip of damp gra.s.s, under a convenient group of trees where no prowling enemy plane might "spot" her; and we set out to walk for a short distance to what had once been a farmhouse. Now, what was left of it had another use. A board walk (well above the mud), which led to the new, unpainted door, was guarded by sentinels, and explanations were given and papers shown before a rather elderly French captain appeared to greet us.
Arrangements had been made for our reception, but we had to be identified; and when all was done we were given a good welcome. Also we were given helmets, and I was vain enough to fancy I had never worn a more becoming hat.
Besides our own escort--the lieutenant who had brought us from Nancy--we had a captain and a lieutenant to guide us into the "calmness" of the trenches (the captain and a lieutenant for Mr. Beckett and Brian, the other lieutenant for me) and one would have thought that they had never before seen a woman in or out of a helmet! Down in a deep cellar-like hole, which they called "_l"anti-chambre_," all three officers coached Father Beckett and me in trench manners. As for Brian, it was clear to them that he was no stranger to trench life, and their treatment of him was perfect. They made no fuss, as tactless folk do over blind men; but, while feigning to regard him as one of themselves, they slily watched and protected his movements as a proud mother might the first steps of a child.
On we went from the _antichambre_ into a long mouldy pa.s.sage dug deep into the earth. It was the link between trenches; and now and then a sentinel popped out from behind a queer barrier built up as a protection against "_les eclats d"obus_." "This is the way the wounded come back,"