Chapter 110
unedited
There was a reason why Qi Jing always avoided appearing together with Shen Yan before the woman.
—Because he never knew if he would slip up.
—Because he never knew how to explain their actual relationship.
He has never stated clearly to the woman who he was for Shen Yan—even when they first talked, he only used an ident.i.ty of being Shen Yan’s “close friend” to explain their relationship. The woman also believed so.
That’s why, when she saw those two people hugging each other from afar, a momentary loss appeared on her face. Then, the loss slowly turned into that kind of an expression, one between shock and fear, as she stood still by the door like a clay doll.
Qi Jing felt his back turning numb, a chill rushing through it, leaving him unable to budge. His hands that had just rested on Shen Yan’s let go reflexively.
But even like this, it was already too late—
“Ugh..” Under the influence of anxiousness, an instinct to improvise that he had cultivated through his work forced him to react. His knees once again swayed slightly and he groaned painfully, appearing unsteady on his feet as he clutched Shen Yan’s sleeve.
“That’s no good, I’m still dizzy… I feel so bad, sorry.” He said, letting the woman hear his words, as well as making himself seem as if he was relying entirely on Shen Yan’s support to stand, so as to dispel the impression of that hug. From the corner of his eyes, he could see the woman staring blankly, her expression turning to one of realisation—one with a hint of relief to it.
Qi Jing saw all of it, then lowered his head slowly as he leaned in Shen Yan’s arms.
“Are you alright?” The woman came over, asking with concern. Indeed, Qi Jing’s face didn’t look so good—it was pale, making his act from just now even more convincing.
Shen Yan was surprised first when he heard of him being “dizzy”, but once the woman’s voice came from behind him, he understood what was going on. He didn’t say anything, still supporting Qi Jing, playing into his act to the end without a single word of complaint—only his fingers on Qi Jing’s arms tightened slightly.
Since Qi Jing was “feeling unwell”, this lunch concluded quickly and there was hardly any conversation between the three of them. The woman rarely spoke up unprompted in the first place and Shen Yan didn’t say anything, while Qi Jing was playing his “old sickness acting up” act, sitting on the side and eating mechanically in silence. After the meal, the woman asked Qi Jing to go back home to recuperate. Qi Jing readily agreed, getting up to say goodbye.
He was about to leave on his own, when Shen Yan got up from his seat, “I will see you off.”
To decline at this time would seem very out of place, so Qi Jing smiled slightly, even though this smile was a bit hard to pull off, “Okay, thank you…”
After leaving the room, the two of them didn’t use a lift, going one after another down the fire fighting stairs, neither of them starting a conversation.
Qi Jing was walking behind Shen Yan, his eyes never leaving Shen Yan’s back.
Having already gotten used to walking by that man’s side, this angle made his chest feel stuffy and uneasy. But compared to that, it was the long spell of blank silence between them that was harder to bear. They had such moments of silence before, but it was always born out of mutual understanding—because they could enjoy this quietly flowing warmth, and not because of them having nothing to say.
Nothing to say.
Qi Jing smiled bitterly—he didn’t expect that this phrase could one day be used for them.
He felt that he had to speak.
“I’m scared.” Shen Yan paused, his steps halting on the stairs. Qi Jing slowly finished what he had to say, “I’m scared… When you’re turning your back at me, I’m scared.”
Shen Yan didn’t say anything in reply, only heaving a faint sigh. When he turned his head back, he saw only Qi Jing with his eyes lowered as he stood still in the stairway; he momentarily felt his heart hurt for him. He turned his body too and came back a few steps, walking until he grasped Qi Jing’s hand. “I’m not mad, and I’m not ignoring you.”
Hearing this, Qi Jing suddenly felt his heart stinging, filled with things he wanted to say, yet the only thing he managed to say was, “Don’t be hasty.”
Shen Yan seemed to be caught by a surprise, and after a while, he seemed to have gotten what Qi Jing meant to say, his brows furrowing as he didn’t speak.
“It’s not like I want you to continue hiding it forever, just, it’s not a good time for that now.” Qi Jing said hoa.r.s.ely, “Your mom will have a surgery tomorrow, so now it’s a crucial time for her. Any psychological burden could take a toll on her body, so if by any chance something happened to her, you would also feel bad… That’s why, don’t be hasty. Only taking one step at a time can bring us stability.” His hand slowly grasped Shen Yan’s hand, as if to comfort him. But in reality, the unease in his heart was no smaller than for Shen Yan.
“Mhm.” After a long while, Shen Yan finally gave him some sort of response.
Seeing him agree, Qi Jing breathed a sigh of relief, then said with a bitter smile, “It took so long for your mom to slowly rebuild the relationship with you, for her to be in a better place, so at this time, I don’t want tok2026;”
He didn’t finish saying it, nor was there need for him to. Shen Yan would probably understand.
Qi Jing leaned forward slightly, resting his head against Shen Yan’s shoulder. Shen Yan moved his hands to hug him—this clearly normal, but now also feeling like long-lost warmth made him stammer as he spoke, “There are things you haven’t experienced, but I did… I don’t want you to go through that as well.”
“Mhm.” When he thought of Qi Jing’s family situation, Shen Yan’s voice turned a bit softer.
“To be honest, your mom’s reaction isn’t really important. What is important is our att.i.tude, because it’s our relationship—it’s us who will keep it up, not her.” So rather than their coming out, he was more concerned about the impact his future working situation would have on their relationship.
“Mhm.”
At that moment, Qi Jing nuzzled lightly against his neck like a kitten. A very restrained, but also genuinely kittenish coquettery. “Say, with us like this… Does it count as us having a fight?”
Hearing this, Shen Yan gave a low chuckle, “It doesn’t count.”
After a pause, he added, “I know that you have our future in mind, so there’s nothing for me to be angry about.”
—That’s why declining that internship is also for our future.
Qi Jing finally found himself a “correct reason”, so the guilt weighing on his shoulders suddenly didn’t feel as heavy; his brows unforrowed gradually and he gave Shen Yan a smile.
At that time, Shen Yan didn’t know what Qi Jing was smiling about.
Before they got together, Qi Jing was a man used to shouldering, putting up with everything by himself. He knew that from the very beginning. But these days, Qi Jing started to rely on him more and more, letting Shen Yan handle all kinds of daily life trifles in his stead, making him almost forget that trait of his. If that evening he closed the door a bit louder, maybe he would never be reminded of it again.
By the time he was back home from the clinic, the sky was already completely dark. When Shen Yan opened the door, the living room was pitch-black, with no lights on, leaving him surprised. Usually, Qi Jing would be sitting before TV and watching news at this time, so for him to not be there… Could he be asleep?
Thinking of this possibility, Shen Yan caught the door, closing it gently. If Qi Jing really was asleep, it wouldn’t be good to wake him up with the noise.
But he was wrong.
Qi Jing wasn’t sleeping, because the lights in the bedroom were on. Shen Yan took off his coat and shoes, bewildered as he went over to open the bedroom door. There was no one inside—only the indistinct sound of a person speaking could be heard from the balcony, along with the pacing back and forth that he was already familiar with, one that would only appear alongside this man’s musing. Turns out that Qi Jing was taking a call outside.
Shen Yan could hear that his steps were a bit different than usual—agitated, as if he was in the middle of a tough internal struggle. Puzzled, he instinctively lightened his steps, quietly getting closer to the wall.
“I don’t know what I should do.” The first sentence he heard clearly was actually this one. He could also hear Qi Jing’s voice clearly, much heavier than normally, and a bit hoa.r.s.e too—a typical indication of someone suppressing their emotions.
Shen Yan’s heart trembled as he held his breath to listen more.
Qi Jing was probably listening to the reply from the person at the other end of the call, he didn’t speak for quite a while, only humming downheartedly every now and then. At last, he heaved a long sigh, “I understand what you’re saying. In fact, our director also said that I’m confused, that I’m turning down such a good growth opportunity for nothing, but…”
At that point, he paused once again. A merely three seconds-long pause, yet for Shen Yan, it felt like three hours—his ears were about to turn numb as he stayed there, suspended in the void.
And the next part was like a vicious. .h.i.t in the numb body part, causing him to tremble.
“Just thinking of having to go to Beijing for three years makes me stop wanting to consider it anymore. I… really can’t leave here, leave Shen Yan.”
Shen Yan staggered back a step in stupor, then stopped still. It took him a few seconds to process all the information in Qi Jing’s words, and once he understood what the other could talk about, he actually didn’t know how he should feel about it.
Qi Jing said that he didn’t want to leave him. Then… he should be happy, right?
He would normally think so, but connected with the current situation, he just had no way of feeling peacefully, selfishly happy about it.
Separated by a window, he could see an indistinct silhouette of Qi Jing standing under the clothes drying racks on the balcony, at the place he had previously said he would sit to sunbathe when he turns into an old man.
For a moment, Shen Yan was swept with mixed feelings, unable to budge for a long time.
The person on the balcony still didn’t know that he was there, continuing the call, “I can still work my way up from now on at work, I will still fight to get a better position here. Even if that’s no good, I can always apply for a transfer to a different department, just my salary won’t get any better… Hm? What… You want me to ask him what he thinks? Sigh, I don’t know how to tell him…”
Why don’t you know how to tell me this?Why don’t you talk it over with me?
Shen Yan furrowed his brows, his hand reaching instinctively towards the door to the balcony, but he couldn’t set his heart to rush out there.
And Qi Jing’s next words made it even harder for him to take that step.
“I know what he fears the most—what he’s afraid of is me leaving him. Even if he doesn’t say that, I can tell that he wants me to stay. But that guy is just too considerate, if I ask for his opinion, he will certainly say something like ‘don’t worry about me, you go’, then bear in silence the three years of being alone and apart. I don’t want to create such a situation.”
Shen Yan’s hand lost its steadiness, slipping lightly off the door before returning to its original place.
“His home is here, and he’s the type that cares a lot about home. I don’t dare and also don’t want to ask him to abandon everything, including this house, work, memories, and follow me…” As he spoke, Qi Jing’s voice was completely hoa.r.s.e—it could be heard that this internal struggle already left him incredibly fatigued. “This internship opportunity isn’t something I can’t pa.s.s on, no need to be in a hurry with career and such. For now, I only want to treasure the person by my side. I don’t want to care about anything else for the moment.”
“Silly.” Shen Yan muttered lightly—not in a reproach, only dotingly.
He didn’t make any noise, stepping back from the wall and leaving the bedroom, returning back to the living room after closing the door. He once again took out the already put away coat and shoes, putting them on simply. Then he opened the main door, once again closing them with a “bang”.
After doing all of that, he waited silently without a word. As expected, he soon heard the hurried steps from the bedrooms closing in, so he made the movement of taking his coat off. At that time, Qi Jing opened the door swiftly and came out. Seeing him standing at the entrance, he cracked a light smile, “You’re back?”
“Mhm, I just got back.” Shen Yan nodded his head, hanging his coat on the hook for the second time that night, then putting his shoes for the second time in the shoe cabinet too. He let his voice take the most usual tone, nothing out of the ordinary to be heard, “Did you eat?”
“Mhm, I just heated up the leftovers from the fridge.”
“What else were you doing, voice acting?” He asked, his tone so unperturbed that there was no way of telling he already knew the answer.
“Ah, no, I just was on a call with my Junior.” Sure enough, the person on the other end of the call was Ning Xiaoxiao. That was to be expected, the only person offline who knew their real relationship and was close enough with Qi Jing to discuss these things would be her.
Shen Yan didn’t ask about the content of their conversation at all, so Qi Jing breathed a sigh of relief. He asked a bit about the woman’s health during the preparation for the surgery, as well as what the doctor was saying, before he said thoughtfully, “You’re also tired after a long day, go take a shower first to warm yourself up. Tomorrow is a big day, so let’s rest early.”
All of this was no different from their usual interactions—or it would be, if it wasn’t for the heaviness weighing on Shen Yan’s heart.
Shen Yan lowered his eyes in silence, going to take a shower as asked.
But by the time he went out of the shower, wiping his hair as he entered the room with a hairdryer, he saw Qi Jing sitting on the floor. For some unknown reason, he took out the suitcase he brought from his apartment, looking through it under the lamp light in search of something. Looking closer, Shen Yan realised that he was looking for the medicines.
Shen Yan was staggered. Those were stomach medications, pain-killers, over the counter sleep medicine and the like—the things he thought Qi Jing wouldn’t have to use anymore.
Qi Jing raised his head to see him staring at the bottles strewn over the floor, and was just as taken by a surprise before he smiled awkwardly, “Ah… The day after tomorrow is my last check-up, so if everything’s fine, then the time for me to go back to the company is not so far away. That’s why it’s better to find this stuff beforehands, so that I don’t forget it when the time comes.”
That’s not it, Qi Jing.
That’s not the important part—
Shen Yan clenched his hand tightly, just like his heart clenched by an invisible hand. He asked instinctively, “What happened?”
Hearing this, Qi Jing hesitated for a bit, subconsciously lowering his head to fiddle with the medicine bottles as he avoided the topic, “Nothing happened.”
Shen Yan’s gaze didn’t move a single bit from him. Suddenly, he said in a low voice, “Qi Jing, do you know that when you have a guilty conscience, you don’t dare to look me in the eye?”
With his words. .h.i.tting right on the spot, Qi Jing’s hand gripping a medicine bottle shook. He could only steel himself and raise his eyes. Shen Yan’s eyes were black through and through, his gaze straightforward, able to make his guilt surge easily—that’s why he didn’t dare to meet it.
He didn’t expect… That Shen Yan already saw through his habits, that he knew where his weakness lay.
Qi Jing had no other way but to admit defeat with a bitter smile, “Fine, you’re right… I have a guilty conscience.”
Shen Yan didn’t smile, furrowing as he asked once again, “What happened?”
They lived under the same roof, a bit of attention paid to his daily routine would betray the fact that he would continue to work as a reporter. He had no way of hiding it, Shen Yan would realise that sooner or later. That’s why Qi Jing decided to be open about this part of the truth, “My application for the TV anchor position… the higher-ups didn’t accept it.”
Shen Yan was dumbstruck. He heard about the three-years move to Beijing, but this, he only got to hear about now.
Qi Jing saw him getting dumbfounded, and tried to soothe him in turn, “Doesn’t matter, if they want me to remain a reporter then so be it, either way, I already have quite a bit of experience, so it’ll be more convenient. The only downside is that the working time and a.s.signments can be quite taxing, but I will do my best to balance work and rest.”
He said it like that, but it’s not like he was new to the reporter life—sometimes when he would get an a.s.signment, he would be busy all day long until deep into the night, there was nothing to do about it.
Qi Jing saying this didn’t sound convincing at all, even his smile was forced.
Shen Yan watched him silently, observing his face under the lamplight.
He had seen how haggard and lifeless this face was before. He had also seen that resigned gaze, almost as if already fed up with the world.
After these days of recuperation, eating healthy and nutritious food and his sleeping quality improving slowly, Qi Jing’s body and mind had gotten better many times since he had moved in—most of Shen Yan’s memories of Qi Jing were him smiling happily. For example now, under the faint lamplight, even those strands of black hair seemed more l.u.s.trous than before.
—So soft and pleasant to touch. Thinking so, he couldn’t help but reach his hand out to stroke it.
“What?” Qi Jing was caught by a surprise, but it soon turned into a smile, the corners of his eyes curling up as he enjoyed that warmth pa.s.sed from his fingers.
“I’m thinking of you.” Shen Yan said in a soft voice.
Qi Jing didn’t expect him to be so frank—his ears flushed red in an instant. “Aren’t I just before you,” He lowered his head, embarra.s.sed, yet he still leaned over, pressing it close against his chest, “What’s there to think about.”
I’m thinking of you from before—Shen Yan thought.
He thought of Qi Jing from the time when he just moved in, who would get two, three flare-ups of stomach pain. At that time, he obstinately refused to tell him about it, his face turning pale from pain as he curled up on the bed—only later Shen Yan found him like this. Distressed, he prepared something for warming up stomach for him to get better; it took a lot of time and care before those flare-ups stopped.
He thought of Qi Jing who would sleep by his side every night. His sleep got much more steady than before, but it was still rather light—all those times when he would wake up deep at night and get into his embrace… he knew all of that.
At that moment, he knew what his heart’s decision was.
A/N:
I kinda feel like Kitty’s Papa is very top in this chapter, is it only me… _(:3」∠) (Oi oi, he’s always been a top)
T/N:
Lucilla: The extent of those two caring for each other, even if the other might not even realise that… _(:3」∠)