Chapter 37
Editor: Mashiro
Warning ⚠️ : This chapter contains attempted murder, imagery of abuse and the like. Please tread carefully or click off if this makes you uncomfortable.
The dream continued, just like the grey path beneath his feet. That rental apartment began to disintegrate and fall apart, crashing and scattering all over the pavement, each piece encompa.s.sing a fragment of his memory.
Walking over the path was like walking through all those years that had pa.s.sed.
The woman before him appeared even more haggard while he had grown taller—at the age of attending primary school.
They had moved to a new place, a completely unfamiliar city and equally unfamiliar neighbourhood; it was no longer an old rental flat in a small town, but a tiny matchbox apartment in a high-rise building. Although it was also rented, the front door was a stainless-steel security gate— all shiny and new—much more durable than the iron gate they had before.
Once he was of schooling age, the woman was finally willing to let him go to school. And for the first time, she brought him out of their residence and held his hands in broad daylight.
The woman rarely said her mantra again, because he had already learned to be silent and didn’t need to be reminded over and over again.
The school was a relatively noisy place: the busy traffic at the school gates, boisterous children of his age running and jumping about, teachers who maintained order. All these different sounds came at him from all directions like a tidal wave and drowned him in it. He was like a character that had just stepped out from a silent film; his ears were ringing from all the sounds and it felt as if invisible hands were clutching at his throat, suffocating him.
All of this was strange, so strange and foreign that it frightened him, and cold sweat wouldn’t stop breaking out from his hands.
But it didn’t matter.
Just don’t speak, don’t make a sound, and all will be fine—that’s what the woman had always taught him.
“What is your name?” an amiable form teacher bent down such that she was at eye-level with him and asked with a smile.
He slowly looked up after a while, but the other party’s curious gaze was so piercing, it forced him to lower his head just as quickly and take a step back towards the woman, hiding part of his body behind her long skirt.
“He’s called Shen Yan,” the woman returned with a polite smile and replied in his stead.
“Shen Yan…” the form teacher repeated before turning to the woman and saying, “Your child seems to be very shy.”
He was not able to see the expression on the woman’s face from his angle, but he felt her grip on his hand tightened for a moment—it was so tight his blood circulation was virtually cut off and it hurt, yet he still didn’t say a word and just quietly endured it.
“He’s not my child, he’s my nephew.” The woman’s tone was hard and unfeeling; it didn’t even have the normal undulations one would have when speaking. “My brother and sister-in-law are working out of town and don’t have time to take care of the child, so they entrusted him with me.”
“Ah, is that so?” The form teacher subconsciously looked over at him.
This time, the woman also turned her head. Following the form teacher’s line of sight, she lowered her eyes to stare at him fixedly. Then, with a flick of her wrist, his entire body was yanked forward and he had no choice but to stumble back in front of the form teacher.
The woman opened her mouth and urged him expressionlessly, “Well, speak; say that it’s right.”
Speak.
That was the first time he had ever heard the woman give him that order and his eyes rounded and blinked in bewilderment.
Nephew, brother, sister-in-law, working out of town—none of these words described his situation. Ah, I see… so I can talk when I’m playing as “someone else”?
“Yes, mum and dad are both busy at work.” His voice was so low it was barely audible and though everything was uttered one word at a time, the words came out at last.
“I see.” Seeing him open his mouth to speak, the form teacher smiled and stroked his head as a gesture of comfort.
The woman seemed extremely satisfied with his answer and allowed him to retreat quietly behind her skirt once more.
And thus, he would play a stranger with the same name as him during the day, and when he returned home at night, he would go back to being the real Shen Yan, who did not speak.
After coming to the city, the woman developed a drinking problem. Sometimes, she would only come back at 2 or 3 AM in the night. When the alcohol gets to her, she would barge into his room and shake him awake, crying and screaming, tearing up the homework on his desk, and hysterically asking him questions he did not know the answers to.
For example: “Why do you look so much like your father?”
Or for example: “If I hadn’t given birth to you, would I have been able to go back in time and live like a normal person again?”
However, the hardest of all was: “Why can’t you speak to your father? Let him hear you, so that he can get a divorce and come over right away to welcome us into his family, the proper way.”
He didn’t know how to speak such that the father, whom he had never met, would be able to hear him and do as the woman said. After all, he was the real “Shen Yan”, and the real him was someone that no one would ever want to listen to.
The woman did not want to listen to him either. And not only did she not want to listen, one time, she even got so drunk that she went crazy and firmly held a blanket over his head.
It was in the dead of the night where not even a glimmer of light could be seen.
When he opened his eyes, all he could see was darkness. That woman had buried his entire head under the blanket, and he found it incredibly difficult to breathe—his windpipe felt like it was being scratched by the harsh, violent intakes of air. He struggled instinctively, reaching out to push that weight off him, but all he could feel was an endless, invisible, unbudging wall.
He was gradually reaching his limit and losing his strength.
The darkness was like a ma.s.s of unscented cotton that was stuffed into his eyes, nose, ears, and throat, not letting go of any crevice it could enter. In this moment of extreme fear, contrary to what one might expect, his vocal cords were not able to produce a single sound, let alone shout a single word. When he opened his mouth, all he could hear was him stuttering out sounds that resembled “Ugh”.
“Ugh… ugh…” was how he pleaded before losing consciousness from the lack of oxygen.
“Shh, Shen Yan, don’t talk; don’t make a sound.” Only then did the woman bring out her old mantra: “No one will hear you; no one will come.”
No.
There is.
There is someone who said that he wants to hear me speak, hear my voice; he wants… my voice to be heard by many others. And he has already come to me. He’s right here, right within reach—
—Then he woke up with a start.
He saw that he had one hand reaching towards the ceiling, that was just as blank as ever, as if desperate to grasp something. The colour of the ceiling had transitioned from dark grey to light grey—morning had come.
Shen Yan curled up his fingers in the air as though he was grabbing something before gently putting it down. Then, he let out a low gasp as he closed his eyes and lied back down, crushing the tiny beads of cold perspiration that had emerged on his back, soaking the clothes behind him.
He had only lain down for a few seconds when he suddenly shuddered, hurriedly jumping out of bed as if he thought of something. He opened the door to the study and ran to the entrance of the bedroom. He was just about to knock on the door, but luckily his rationality returned in time and he managed to contain his impulse, stopping his hand the moment before it landed on the door, so the person in the bedroom was not disturbed.
Thankfully, the bedroom door was still closed. Qi Jing was still here. Not like in his dream, but actually, physically here, sleeping peacefully in a room bathed in the warm morning light, just behind the door.
Shen Yan silently withdrew his hand and evened his breaths.
He stood in front of the door for a long time, and after a while, he stretched out his hand again, touching the door panel very carefully, without exerting any force at all. As he slowly grazed the door, he felt a slight pain coming from where his fingers touched.
Shen Yan was very grateful for this pain.
The fact that it would hurt meant that this was not a part of his dream, but reality.
He kept his hand on the door and maintained this position for about five minutes, but he was still a little worried, so he left the bedroom door and went to the shoe cabinet near the entrance of the apartment. He opened the cabinet and Qi Jing’s shoes were still there. Then, he went to the vanity outside the bathroom and saw that the toothbrush, towel, razor, and other personal items were all there as well.
Seeing all these items, he was finally certain that that person never left and heaved a sigh of relief. He went back to the bedroom door and sat down on the floor next to it with his back against the wall. Then, he quietly let himself s.p.a.ce out for a bit.
He glanced at the old wall clock and saw that it was just past 6 AM in the morning.
Although he didn’t know what time he fell asleep last night, he was certain that it was after midnight; which was to say that he barely got six hours of sleep. Right now, his head was starting to ache a little and anyone could easily see the fatigue on his face, but his breathing had become much more stable.
Then Shen Yan recalled that he still had to prepare breakfast.
And so, he got up, went to the refrigerator to take out all the ingredients he planned on using one by one, and placed them all on the table. Since he didn’t know what Qi Jing liked to eat, he took out a little of everything. When Qi Jing walked out of the room at 8 AM, the first thing that greeted him was a table full of ingredients and a Shen Yan that sat next to the table, rigid like a statue—the sight gave him a shock.
“Wow, you’re up so early.”
Qi Jing’s eyes widened in surprise and any sleepiness or grogginess from having just woken up disappeared in an instant. Generally speaking, wasn’t Sunday mornings meant for sleeping in? What’s more, last night, they didn’t turn off the lights and go to bed until it was nearly 12 AM.
Of course, if he found out that Shen Yan had already been sitting out here for two hours, what he would feel would probably be more than just a surprise.
“And you’ve prepared so much too…” Qi Jing paused for a bit before exclaiming in a murmur, and by the end of his statement, a smile couldn’t help but creep up his lips. All of this was obviously prepared for him and once he realised that, there was no hiding the smile on his face.
Ever since Qi Jing walked out of the bedroom, Shen Yan had been staring blankly, his eyes glued onto the former. As that person stood by the doorway, his figure enveloped in a layer of light and his outline washed out by the faint white colour. He looked like an illusion, like a shadow puppet cut-out hiding behind a screen. Perhaps, he might collapse with just one touch.
Without warning, Shen Yan suddenly called out, “Qi Jing.”
It was a tentative call.
Caution, apprehension, and more than anything, the confusion of not being sure if the person in front of him was real.
“Hmm?” Qi Jing responded instinctively.
After receiving the other party’s response, some colour returned to Shen Yan’s complexion and his empty eyes, which looked as if they were in a trance, seemed to regain some light to them. It was as if he was greatly comforted by that and in that instant, he sighed, but it also appeared like a chuckle, or perhaps, it was a mix of both.
He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them again, he had returned to his usual gentle and peaceful expression. “It’s nothing… I just wanted to ask, what kind of breakfast do you like?”
“I’m—” fine with anything; I like it as long as it’s made by you.
Just as he was about to answer like so, Qi Jing suddenly noticed that Shen Yan’s eyes were bloodshot, and he could even see slight discolouration in the corners. That was definitely not the shine of the morning light playing tricks on his eyes, but a result of lack of sleep.
“What’s wrong? You look like you didn’t sleep well, did you have trouble sleeping in the smaller bed last night?” Qi Jing asked anxiously with a frown on his face.
“It’s not the bed; it’s my own issue,” Shen Yan smiled faintly as he replied, his right hand tightened around his left wrist which was resting on his knees. That was his unique way of calming himself down. Then, he took a deep breath before promising Qi Jing in a low voice, “But I will overcome it slowly… for sure.”
There’s nothing that couldn’t be overcome.
He just needed the right time, the right environment, and the right person.
Although there was a table full of food before him, Qi Jing only picked a few simple dishes; just go with the flow, only when he can take it freely and easily does it give the feeling of home.
Shen Yan cooked up a pot of oatmeal and beat a few eggs to make an omelette, which was fried in a pan without oil, everything was as light on the stomach as it could be. At first, just this much was already sufficient for Qi Jing, but Shen Yan shook his head and went on to make a simple salad with bok choy, cuc.u.mbers, along with some chopped celery and asparagus, so that the fractured patient could replenish some essential vitamins. On top of that, he also prepared some warmed milk, fresh juice, and water.
“This is so much—how can we finish all of this?” Qi Jing smiled helplessly as he stared at the plates upon plates of food spread out in front of him.
“Take your time.” Shen Yan sat down next to Qi Jing like he did yesterday and not in front of him. In this way, it was easier for them to pa.s.s things around the table and to refill Qi Jing’s gla.s.s at any time.
Qi Jing responded gently and despite the various flavours the breakfast served to his palate, there was only one in his heart—sweetness.
During the course of their meal, Shen Yan suddenly spoke up and apologised to him, “Regarding last night… I’m sorry…”
At these words, Qi Jing’s hand that was holding a spoon inadvertently froze.
Originally, if Shen Yan didn’t bring it up, he would just pretend that it never happened at all. However, since the other party took the initiative to bring up this conversation, he had no choice but to try to laugh it off to conceal the trace of awkwardness he felt.
“Don’t worry about it, I was just a little… surprised at that time. Actually, in retrospect, I’m the one who said something strange, so it’s not your fault.”
His answer sounded rather forced.
Shen Yan lowered his head and slowly stopped the movement of his wooden chopsticks.
“Yeah, it’s because you teased me, so I wanted to scare you a bit.” Shen Yan suddenly smiled as he went with what Qi Jing said. “But I ended up really scaring you, so that’s on me.”
“So, you did it on purpose?” Hearing his words, Qi Jing actually breathed a sigh of relief and he looked at Shen Yan with a raised brow.
“Mhm, but… I won’t do that again, I promise.” Shen Yan’s tone was extremely sincere, and it undoubtedly gave Qi Jing a peace of mind.
Before they knew it, the temperature in the room that had gone down from the somewhat tense atmosphere rose back up again, going back to the most natural and stable of their interaction with one another—that’s right, it’s good like this.
Stealing a peek at the person next to him from the corner of his eye, Shen Yan silently buried that internal sigh to the bottom of his heart.
After breakfast, Qi Jing was about to help clear away the dishes when Shen Yan raised his hand slightly to gesture for him to return to his seat, looking as if he had something important to announce.
Though confused, Qi Jing sat back down and as soon as he did that, Shen Yan said something he hadn’t expected, “Has the registration for the voice acting compet.i.tion that your friend mentioned yesterday closed?”
Qi Jing was taken aback.
But that was later replaced by the thunderous pounding of his heart; he seemed to have finally processed the meaning behind Shen Yan’s words.
“It hasn’t closed, you can still sign up in the next two days.” He couldn’t help but straighten his back and his eyes lit up as he stared at Shen Yan. “You’ve… changed your mind?”
Perhaps it was because the excitement Qi Jing exuded was too strong, it caught Shen Yan off guard and he lowered his head hesitantly instead of answering Qi Jing.
Qi Jing leaned over and grabbed one of Shen Yan’s hands, as if to firmly grasp the only ray of light in the darkness, unwilling to let it fade away before his eyes. “Shen Yan, you’ve changed your mind.”
When the question turned into a statement, it meant that one could no longer back out.
Shen Yan let out a soft sigh and just as Qi Jing had expected, he really did not backtrack on his words. “Mhm, I figured it’s time for me to stop lingering on the same spot.”
“That’s great…” When he heard the person in question confirm it with his own mouth, Qi Jing couldn’t help feeling all the emotions well up at once—at that moment, his usually inexhaustible vocabulary was suddenly gone with the wind, and those two words were all he could muster, repeating them over and over again.
Treating selective mutism was a long and arduous process; however, the possibility of recovery was not zero.
Shen Yan did not regret using dubbing as a form of therapy, because if it weren’t for voice acting, he wouldn’t have met Qi Jing and subsequently get acquainted with, get closer with.
Shen Yan silently watched the heartfelt joy ooze out from Qi Jing’s eyes, and the more he watched, the more he felt that the nightmare was something incredibly far away from him. There would come a day where these old wounds would heal completely.
“You will listen, won’t you?” he asked.
“Of course, I will.” Qi Jing smiled and sighed. Not only will I listen to it, but I also can’t wait to record it all down and slowly appreciate it.
“I am willing to speak, as long as you are willing to listen,” Shen Yan whispered. Then, he turned his palm over and interlocked his fingers with Qi Jing’s.
Qi Jing raised his head and was greeted with the sight of a very soft smile on the other party’s face, so soft that it was like two or three rays of morning sunlight shining through from behind the curtains. It was a far cry from being hot, but warm, nonetheless.
A/N: This is no doubt a story about two characters healing each other, Shen Yan has a past and so does Qi Jing; the weight they have in each other’s hearts may far exceed their expectations. Only a part of the story regarding Shen Yan’s childhood has been revealed so far and slowly, more will be unveiled in the future.
Lilies: I thought I’d gift y’all with some additional chaps since it’s cny and my birthday week but I found some gla.s.s shards in the goodies :”) also wow that last line by Shen Yan
Mashiro: That’s a cruel thing that a mother could do to her child! Now that Shen Yan has Qi Jing, I hope that all of his wounds would heal!