Between a rock and a hard place-hadn"t he said that to her, along, long time ago?
And then he thought, but. it was along time ago, dammit. They"d come along way since then. Things had changed between them, hadn"t they? After everything that had just happened, how could she not have trusted him to believe her? She had to know he loved her, didn"t she? And she"d all but told him she felt the same about him. How , then, could she still not trust him?
The weight in his chest grew heavier. He knew that what he was feeling most was betrayal. But not by his ex-partner.
Not then.
d.a.m.n you, Joy. You should have trusted me.
He held her eyes for one brief, agonizing moment, while all those things danced like lightning through his brain.
Then he turned back to Shannon. Somehow he wasn"t surprised to see the gun in his hand.
He even laughed. "I feel like I ought to say, " Et tu, Brccte? " Jeez, Jim, what the h.e.l.l do I say?" Helifted his hand to rub the back of his neck, but froze when the gun jerked and zeroed in on his belt buckle. " " Keep your hands where I can see them, " Shannon said in the calm, expressionless voice of the top-notch street cop he"d once been. He nodded toward the belt on the back of the couch. " That yours? "
Doug nodded. "It"s empty."
"Where"s your weapon?" "
" In there. Beside the bed. "
"Good place for it." For the first time Shannon seemed to relax a little, smiling ruefully and with even a ghost of his customary charm. "I hope you know, buddy-I never meant to involve you in... my little problem. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. I tried my d.a.m.nedest to get you out of the way. "
He jerked his head toward Joy without looking at her, an almost negligent motion that chilled Doug to the bone, because he knew that in Jim Shannon"s mind she"d ceased to exist as a person at all, if she ever had. She was just. his " " little problem. "
Shannon"s smile suddenly twisted and became ugly. "It was supposed to have been taken care of down in San Diego-dammit, it should have been. I hired the best available I still don"t know how they missed. Then yesterday you were supposed to be out on a case, man. I was monitoring the calls, I heard you and Burnside get the Mulholland Drive homicide. What in the h.e.l.l happened? You weren"t supposed to be there! " His face was a study in anguish For a moment Doug almost felt sorry for him.
He shrugged and said dryly, "The body got dumped on the wrong side of Mulholland. I left Burnside looking after things and came home early. Sorry."
Shannon puffed out air and shook his head, making an obvious effort to get himself under control. "Not half as sorry as I am, my friend. This real?y makes things hard. But I don"t have any choice, you can see that, can"t you?"
Very softly, Doug said, "Why, Jim?"
" " Why ? " The question seemed to enrage him. " " How can you even ask me that? You said it yourself-I have too much at stake, too much to lose. You expect me-"
"No, I mean, why did you do it? Why"d you kill her?"
"Belle?" Shannon ran a hand over his thick, silvering hair, his eyes shifting away from Doug for the first time since he"d brought out the gun. He seemed almost . bewildered, as if he couldn"t quite understand it, either. "Why did I kill her?"
"Yeah-was she blackmailing you? Was that it? G.o.d, Jim-I"d have sworn you were the cleanest cop that ever carried a badge. I"d have staked my life on it. What could she have had on you that you had to kill her? " " " Had on me? You think. : His face crumpled, and he began, horribly and painfully, to laugh. "No, no-you don"t understand. I loved her I mean, I really loved her, you know? Oh, man, I"d never thought I could feel like that, the way she made me feel. It was... all the poetry and popular songs ever written. I felt like a d.a.m.n kid... : " "Then, why"
He swiped his free hand furiously across his face and again seemed to pull himself together. "Because she was going to tell Carol, that"s why. She wanted me to leave Carol and marry her: "
"But if you loved her so much.. "
Shannon looked at him as if he"d lost his mind. "I couldn"t do that-are you kidding? Belle was.. incredible, but she was hardly the ideal wife and mother type, if you know what I mean. Carol was the perfect wife for me, for my career-I knew that. Plus, she was-is-a terrific mother. You know what I think of her and the kids. I couldn"t throw all that away, risk my whole future. I tried to explain that to Belle, but she wouldn"t listen to reason. She insisted that if I didn"t tell Carol about us, she would." He sniffed like a small child. "I couldn"t let that happen. I couldn"t: "
There was a tense pause. Doug could see that Shannon was struggling for composure. He was conscious of Joy there behind him like a pale, silent wraith, and of the hard press of gunmetal, a rea.s.suring weight against his backbone But something told him it wasn"t the right time-not yet. Not yet. "It should have been so easy, so clean," Shannon said, sounding almost wistful. "I"d been careful, there wasn"t anything to connect me with Belle. Nothing. Her body wasn"t ever supposed to be found-I"d made arrangements for that. She was just going to... disappear. There"d have been a few postcards. She"d gone off with a lover, of course. No one would ever have known. But then, she came back: Again, chillingly, he didn"t even look at Joy. " She saw me. Obviously I had to go after her, try to stop her. So I couldn"t get rid of the body, couldn"t even clean up the scene. After that, it was all I could do just to try to keep one jump ahead of the investigation. And all the time, I knew there was an eyewitness out there somewhere, just waiting for the chance to see me. " He ran his hand distractedly over his hair. " " G.o.d , it"s been h.e.l.l-just h.e.l.l. " " " b.u.mmer," said Joy.
She wasn"t sure why she took such a foolish risk. She almost couldn"t believe what she was hearing. She"d been standing there like a block of wood listening to this guy, this man she"d been so terrified of for so long, and she"d just realized something. She wasn"t afraid of him any longer.
Maybe, she thought, that was what happened when your worst nightmares came true. There just wasn"t anything left to fear. Or to lose.
In any case, the word just slipped out, in a voice that wasn"t familiar to her. It sounded dry and derisive, and, judging from the expressions on the two men"s faces, as shocking as if it had been the couch that had spoken.
She shook her head and made a soft, sarcastic clicking g " , soundqwith her tongue. Yeah must have been rough, all right.
"Joy..."
She ignored MacDougal"s hiss of warning, didn"t even glance his way. She couldn"t bear to look at his face, see that stark betrayal in his eyes. She"d expected it, of course, but nothing in the world could have prepared her for the pain.
She moved her cold lips into the shape of a smile. "I guess that"s why Belle"s dead, huh? And you"re about to be Chief of Police."
"That"s right. And I will be," said Shannon. He"d taken a step to one side in order to see past MacDougal, and to tram the gun on her, now, and she could see that his eyes were hard and as cold as she felt inside. " " That"s why I have to do this. Doug, I"m sorry, I really am. : "
Joy"s heart stopped. MacDougal moved slightly, positioning himself once more between her and Shannon"s gun. He spoke quietly, calmly. "Jim, it"s too late. It"s over."
"What the h.e.l.l do you mean, it"s too late? It"s not too late, man, I"veworked everything-"
"Lieutenant Mabry knows, Jim: "
"Knows.. : The gun in Shannon"s hand jerked; Joy saw it appear, then disappear again behind MacDougal"s baby blue UClA sweatshirt. Then he laughed. "You"re lying. You didn"t have a clue, you know you didn"t. So how could you tell Mabry?"
"She knows it"s a cop, one of the investigation team. The two of us turo up dead, you think she won"t put two and two together? Think about it, man-don"t make things worse than they already are. It"s over "
"No-no," Shannon was shaking his head, still smiling and sure of himself. "No, see, you don"t underqtand. I"ve got this all set up. I have an airtight alibi. Right now I"m in Palm Springs. And when they find you two, both shot with your weapon"
"Won"t work," said MacDougal. "Why would I kill the witness if I"m gonna kill myself, anyway? Come on, you can do better than that."
Shannon shrugged. "love makes people do some pretty terrible things-ask me, I know. Hey-it"s common knowleqge you"ve been obsessed with the Donnelly woman since day one. I can certainly testify to that: "
He was looking thoughtfully around the room. "You know, you"re right, though. I think I can do better."
Come on, now ! Joy direeted the thought like a laser beam at the back of MacDougal"s head. What was the matter with him? Why wasn"t he going for it while he had a ghost of a chance?
Then the truth hit her. He was afraid to risk it because of her She felt clammy and sick with unspent adrenaline.
"You!" The gun was waggling again, pointed at Joy. "Over here, Donnelly. Doug, don"t do anything stupid. I will shoot you if I have to, you know I will: "
Joy edged into the room, slipping past MacDougal, close enough to feel the power and tension radiating from his body in almost visible waves, like heat. She was careful not to look at him. She didn"t dare look at him, especially not his face. his dear, open face and dark, intelligent eyes, composed now of gramte and steel. "All right," Shannon barked at Joy, still looking at Doug, "now, pick up the can: He grinned. " Good for you, partner, you remembered to bring alcohol for the backup heater. You really came prepared, didn"t you? "
"That"s me," said Doug. "A regular Boy Scout." If he hadn"t been watching Joy so intently he might not have seen the tiny movement she made-just the smallest flinch, the slightest change in the angle of her head. She"d heard him, he was sure of it. Heard his message-Be Prepared. Be prepared for his signal. G.o.d, he thought-prayed-I hope I"m not wrong.
Look at me, Joy. Please. Look at me.
But she didn"t. In an agony of suspense he watched her unscrew the cap to the can of alcohol and begin sprinkling g , it over the couch, the rug, the floor, followin Shannon s instructions like an automaton. Had he been wrong, after all? Maybe she hadn"t understood. And he was running out of time!
He watched her move closer and closer to the propane heater, the clear alcohol pumping out of the can with soft gulping noises, some of it splashing over her bare feet. Then all at once she looked up, turned her head and looked straight at him. And he knew what she meant to do.
His whole body, his brain, his very soul turned cold. For the first time in his life he knew what absolute fear was. How could she know, she couldn"t possibly know, how dangerous it was-what she was going to do-the terrible risk she"d be taking. And he couldn"t warn her. Couldn"t so much as shake his head or move his eyes, anything that might alert Shannon to her intentions. Because Shannon"s eyes-and the gun-were riveted on Doug. Any signal from him and he and Joy would both be dead. All he could do was look at her and send the message with every fiber of his being, with all the force of his love for her behind it.
Don"t do it! For G.o.d"s sake, Joy-leave it to me. Please. no! His heartbeat was a drum that resounded through his brain, deafening him. He couldn"t think, couldn"t breathe!
And then it happened. With a danger"s grace, Joy whirled and threw the last splash of alcohol onto the propane heater "s gently flickering flame. There was only a soft poof of sound. The can dropped from Joy"s hands with a clatter, and then she began to scream.
Doug struck out blindly, instinctively aiming for Shannon "s gun hand even as he was pulling his own weapon from its hiding place. There was a bellow of surprise, outrage and pain. As Shannon"s gun hit the floor, Doug kicked it as hard as he could toward the far end of the room, where the alcohol burned with its insidious and invisible blue fire. He thrust his gun straight into Shannon"s face and yelled at him to get out, out of the cabin. Then all he thought about was Joy.
He lunged for her, caught her around the waist with one arm and lifted her clear off the floor. Shannon was already at the cabin door. Doug all but tackled him, bulldozed him through it and out onto the deck, hauling Joy with him.
"Out!" he screamed at Shannon. "Down the steps move !"
He couldn"t see the flames, couldn"t even tell what part of her was burning! He half slid, half fell, with her down the steps, pushed Shannon out of the way and dropped her into the deep, wet snow, tumbling her over and over in it until she struggled and flailed at him with her arms, yelling at him that she was all right, except that he was smothering her to death.
He rolled off her then, and turned his attention-and his gun-back to Shannon. Propping himself on one elbow in the snow, he managed to croak, "Don"t... move."
His former partner was leaning against the side of the Mercedes, staring at the cabin and swaying like a punch drunk fighter. Doug jerked his head around to see what was happening. Breathing hard and covered with snow, he watched the flames flicker and dance behind the windowpanes , a gleeful orange now that they"d found an abundance of varnished wood and cloth fiber for fuel. Black smoke was already beginning to billow from the open doorway.
Sharmon looked over at Doug and shrugged. "Sorry, man: His smile was crooked. " We had some good times here, didn"t we? "
He pushed himself away from the car and began to walk slowly toward the cabin, limping badly.
Doug shouted at him from his p.r.o.ne position, "Hey, where do you think you"re going? Get back here-come on."
Shannon looked at him, almost in surprise. "What, you don"t think I"m going back with you, do you? Face all that ... face Carol ... the kids? Uh-uh-no way, man. Can"t do it." He started walking again, almost dragging his bad leg, slipping a little in the trampled snow.
"Jim-for G.o.d"s sake, what are you doing? Are you crazy ?" Doug was struggling to sit up. In spite of the gun in his hand he felt helpless. His throat felt raw.
Again his ex-partner paused to look back, this time smiling that lopsided, rueful smile. "I guess I have been, haven"t I? But I"m not now. In fact, this is probably the sanest thing I"ve done in along time." He turned once more toward the burning cabin.
Doug lurched to his feet, feeling as if his whole body had turned to lead. "Get back here, Shannon!" he yelled. "I"m not going to let you do it. You know I can"t!"
By that time Shannon had almost reached the steps. He was shaking his head and laughing like his old, charming, handsome self. "What are you going to do, partner? Shoot me?"
"I will if I have to ! "
He heard Shannon chuckle softly. "You couldn"t shoot me, my friend. You haven"t got it in you "
"I don"t have to kill you to stop you," Doug grated between clenched teeth. He started forward, head down, like a bull charging.
Shannon backed away from him, moving up the steps, holding out his hand like a traffic cop. "Stop right there! I mean it-you can"t stop me, Doug, don"t even try! "
Doug stopped. He didn"t say a word, just c.o.c.ked his weapon, steadied it with both hands and took aim. Dimly, he heard Joy gasp.
Then Shannon spoke again in a soft, cracking voice. Pleading. "Hey, Doug-I took a bullet for you. For G.o.d"s sake, you owe me your life. Please-do this for me. It"s the best thing for everybody." His face contorted. He ended in a whisper, "Don"t let Carol know... "
Doug"s voice failed him. His body felt numb, boneless. He shook his head and managed an agonized groan. "I can"t do it, Jim-please don"t ask me! Please-"
He starterl toward him once more, slipped and went down on one knee in the melting snow. He scrambled desperately to his feet, his heart almost bursting his chest, just in time to see Shannon plunge through the cabin door, straight into the inferno.
"Jim!" The cry tore through his throat.
He lunged forward, but something grabbed his leg and held on, dragging him back. He yanked and pulled, but it wouldn"t let go. Half blind with fury, he looked down and saw Joy clinging to his leg with both her arms as if her very life depended on it, breathing in frantic sobs.
He struck out at her, struggling to break free, yelling hoa.r.s.ely, " " Let go-I have to get Jim! L. et me go, dammit! "
"No!" she screamed. "You can"t-it"s too late. Let him go! He"s gone, can"t you see that? Let him go! "
For a few moments more he fought her while she pulled at him with all her strength and will. But he could see that she was right, that it was too late. The cabin was fully engulfed ; the heat from it scorched his face and turned the snow around him to slush that gleamed in the h.e.l.lish light of the fire like molten gold.
He felt his knees buckle. The next thing he knew he was on the cold, soggy ground, and Joy"s arms were wrapped around him, holding him so tightly he could barely breathe, and she was sobbing and whispering, "7t"s over It"s over. Let him go... let him go. "
It had been a picture postcard day in Los Angeles. After washing the basin clean of smog the storm front had moved east, leaving the mountains unshrouded, for once, the better to show off their gorgeous, new snowy-white caps. All over the southland photographers were out in droves, taking advantage of the brilliant skies and unpolluted vistas, while at the higher elevations ski resort operators were busy counting their blessings and cash receipts.
Joy had spent most of the day in a hospital in Redlands, mostly for observation, after being treated for hypothermia , shock and second-degree burns to her hands and feet.
Doug, after being a.s.sured that Joy was in good hands and resting comfortably, spent the day in conferences with various law enforcement agencies and news media. Ironically, the press conference called to report the death of a.s.sistant Chief of Police Jim Shannon in a tragic fire that destroyed his vacation cabin near Big Bear came only hours after the one announcing his selection as the new head of the Los Angeles Police Department.
There hadn"t been any reference at all to the infamous "Rhinestone Collar" murder case. Eventually, Doug knew, he and Lieutenant Mabry were going to have to decide just exactly how they were going to handle the reappearance of the key witness in the case. It was clear that the murder itself couldn"t remain forever officially "unsolved."
Now it was evening, and Doug and Joy were in the white Mercedes heading home, straight into the setting sun. They hadn t done much talking on the way into L. A. Doug had the radio on, tuned to the Dodgers" pregame show, which was leading up to the postponed second game of the National League Championship Series. But when the headline news came on, he svqntched it off.
In the droning silence that fell then, he heard Joy clear her throat, swallow and say gruffly, "It"s okay to grieve, you know. He was your friend."
Grieve? He wasn"t sure he even knew how to grieve for Jim Shannon. He didn"t know what to feel. He knew that the pain inside him was still sharp and bitter.
After a moment he nodded, frowning fiercely into the sun. More than a friend. He saved my life, you know. " He laughed painfully. " And my a.s.s more than once. He was more like a brother. "
Joy nodded and looked away, out the side window. G.o.d only knew what she must be feeling.
She gave a liquid little laugh and said, "I guess I sure was wrong about that one, wasn"t I?"
"Wrong?" He took a deep breath and made an effort to pull his thoughts together. There was so much he wanted needed -to say to her. "Wrong about what?"
"What I said about lovers ... friends. I guess both can let you down, huh?" " " Oh. Yeah. He thought about it, then said softly, Well, people do, you know-they just aren"t always perfect , or even the way we"d like them to be. "
He felt her flinch at the irony in his voice and knew she"d misunderstood. He was sorry he wasn"t saying it very well.
tie wasn"t very good at this sort of thing, and he wasn"t even sure he had it all sorted out in his own mind yet. Too much had happened in a very short time. He felt shaky, as if he were the one who had just been released from a hospital.
Joy whispered to the window gla.s.s, "Yeah, .. guess you can"t really count on anybody."
She wondered why he didn"t turn the baseball game back on. He didn"t seem to be in the mood to talk, and anything, she thought, would be better than the silence.
But then he began to speak in a slow, cautious way, as if he had something to say that was going to be very difficult for him. Something painful. Oh, G.o.d, she thought, here it comes. Her stomach knotted and grew cold with dread.
He said, "I"ve been thinking, , you know, about what you said? About there being two different kinds of love friendship and pa.s.sionate? And it"s true, I guess, they"ll both let you down. But what I"ve decided, is, there"s other kinds of love you didn"t mention. The kind I"m talking about, I don"t think... I"m not sure I can explain it-at least, not very well-but what it is, is... something that happens when you have both of those, plus this.. " He squggled with it, bringing his hand up to his chest, clenched tightly in a fist. "Part of it, I guess, is something that just happens, like with wild geese and wolves, you know? But the other part is more like... it"s a choice. You make a decision"
"A commitment," said Joy, watching him now with breath suspended.