Faithful to Buddha, Faithful to You

I watch in silence as the scenery zooms by the train’s windows. It’s already January, and winter is at its full height. The leaves are brittle and the trees are nothing but dried husks—the entirety of which forms a picture as bleak as my soul at this moment.

A cup of steaming green tea is put down in front of my eyes. I take it with my hands and while muttering a quick thanks.

My ‘boss’* sits down next to me and lets out a long sigh.
* [T/N: If you recall, her ‘boss’ is not her employer, but the head of history department and advisor to the time-travel project.]

“Stop thinking about it. After you go back, just hit the books and study well. Your graduation is in July, better start thinking about finding a job soon.”

I make a noncommittal sound in reply and wrap my hands around the cup for warmth, my eyes never leaving the windows.

I was bedridden for three months after I returned [to this era]. The doctors said it was fortunate I managed to return in time, else I would have not been able to salvage my arm. The two giant Northface backpacks I wore on my back had eased the impact of my fall, so my arm did not have to suffer any further damage. The doctors had to perform surgery to cut off the rotten part of my arm, which helped stimulate the growth of new tissue. Even after all of that, my arm is no longer as flexible as it was before. Perhaps this is the price one pays for changing history?

I submitted a detailed report on my physical condition to the researchers, who then ordered for a full-body examination, after which they concluded that the amount of radiation poisoning in my body after four time-travel trips has reached unacceptable levels. I am no longer fit to continue on with the project. I had tried to persuade them to allow me to cross one last time. But I could not even cross the barrier that is my boss, let alone the researchers. Boss said I have to recuperate, takes my medicines regularly to excrete the radiation poisoning from my body. I am still young, and boss doesn’t want me to have to deal with health complications later on.

Guilt continues to plague my boss. I heard he had some intense arguments with the research team upon my return, after which he decided to withdraw from the project. He told me to abandon all thoughts about this time-travel nonsense from now on, because our university had already cut all ties with the project, and that as soon as my health stabilizes, he will bring me back to school. Naturally, I received a ‘bonus salary’ for all my troubles, enough to cover the bare minimums for several years even if I don’t work. Once the bank book made it to my hands, however, I felt nothing but bitterness.

Return to school? How long has it been since I was last on campus? I have missed so many cla.s.ses, will I be able to catch up? Boss tried to comfort me, saying he will help me with my studies.

Those heavy backpacks I brought back were of monumental value. My notes and the ancient books I copied [by hand] will need further study, and I am to help the experts with this. I had turned over almost everything, only keeping the Atlas silk scarf Rajiva gifted me, the handkerchiefs he put in my cabinet for me to carry when I’m out, and the lion jade pendant Pusysdeva gave me.

Is this how my time-travel ‘career’ will end? Ever since I started my post-graduate program, I had rarely attended cla.s.ses, and instead devoted most of my time to this time-travel project. At 22, I started to prepare for the experiment; at 23, I crossed successfully; and at 24, I returned full of injuries. The past two years, have I only been living a dream? If not for the Atlas silk scarf and the jade pendant hung around my neck, I would not be able to believe that I had actually breathed, lived and loved in an era 1,650 years ago… If I were to compare it to Zhuang Zi’s dream, am I Zhuang Zi who dreamed he was a b.u.t.terfly, or the b.u.t.terfly who dreamed it was Zhuang Zi? *

[T/N: refer to Ch.6 for further explanation of Zhuang Zi’s dream.]

My return to school proves to be quite the sensation. My teachers, cla.s.smates and friends, all of whom I haven’t seen for a long while, all turn wide-eyed when I show up. That evening, my friends take me out for a small celebration at a karaoke place. We party and sing to our heart’s content until I realize with a jolt that it’s already 2am. 2am? I haven’t gone to bed past 10pm in a long time.

It takes me quite some time to adjust back to reality. A great many things surprise me these days.

It’s as if I am Chang’e1 returning to earth for the first time, only to find out that everything she knew has changed. The economy is being gripped by inflation. The price of a steamed bun in our school’s cafeteria has increased tenfold as a result. The stock market that used to be the playground for the elites only has now turned into a prison for all. Gas prices have gone up, which explain why the teachers have begun to use buses to get to work, with some even going so far as to use their BMW Motorrad’s. The most popular thing amongst students nowadays is the film “l.u.s.t, Caution”2, while the hottest trending topic is how the government might abolish May 1st [holiday]3 next year.
1 Change’e, originally known as Heng’e, is the Chinese G.o.ddess of the Moon and a subject of several Chinese legends, one of which is the origin behind Mid-Autumn Festival (8th full moon of the Lunar Calendar).
2 A 2007 erotic espionage film directed by Ang Lee, based on a novella of the same name published in 1979 by Eileen Chang. 
3 International Workers’ Day, aka Labour Day or Workers’ Day, is a public holiday in many countries. In China prior to 2008, it was a three-day holiday, but is now only one day.
[T/N: Remember, FBFY was published in 2007, so it makes sense that Xiao Chun used events relevant to China during that time period.]

Pretty much everyone I know in the girls’ dormitories has a boyfriend now. The moment the sun sets, they would all put on makeup and rush outside together. I’m usually the only left in the dorms during the weekend. The rest of them only return the morning after with a big smile on their faces.

They all feel sorry for me, saying that had I not disappeared for so long, I would have had a boyfriend by now, and how unfortunate it is that the boys in our cla.s.s who once expressed interest in me couldn’t wait [for my return]. I reply back in a teasing tone, telling them that if I didn’t leave, how else would they be able to snag these boys otherwise?

When I go shopping with the girls, they all say that I’m too old-fashioned and don’t know how to follow the trends. It’s not that I’m old-fashioned. The world is just changing too fast. There are times where I miss that world dearly—a world without pollution, without city noises, where life is simple, evenly-paced, where the sky is a vivid blue, the grapes and melons are refreshing and sweet. I miss that world. Miss most the people there, their bright smiles and pure hearts.

Sometimes when I walk the streets, I would suddenly pause, feeling as though I’ve just caught a glimpse of a tall thin lonely silhouette amongst the crowds of people. I would chase after that person, only to realize it’s someone I don’t know. Sometimes, a low sweet voice would travel past my ears, and I would look around frantically to no avail every time, lips full of apologies to people for bothering them. Other times, I wander aimlessly, my eyes scanning everywhere and nowhere, before I collapse onto the sidewalk and burst into tears, ignoring the surprised looks other people give me. The modern human has evolved to the point where their spine is st.u.r.dy and strong no matter the situation. Once I’ve cried enough, I would just wipe my eyes and continue on. No one has ever stopped to ask me what’s wrong at the sight of my tears.

Turns out loneliness is not innate, but something born the moment you fall in love with someone.

A leaf is a wing that can never fly
And a wing is a leaf that fell from heaven
Heaven should not be a fantasy
But I have long forgotten
How I managed to fly in the first place

How I managed to fly in the first place

Loneliness is a carnival of one
And a carnival is a gathering of the lonely
To love is to keep someone company
Except I’ve started to forget
How it feels like to be in your company

I eat, travel, and walk around all my own
I also read, write letters, and carry conversations by myself
But my heart seems to have wandered off
To somewhere far beyond my eyesight
It looks like  you’re not the only thing that I lost

*Lyrics to “Leaf” (Ye Zi) 葉子 sung by Ah Sang 阿桑 (OST of The Rose, a Taiwanese drama). Click here to listen [highly recommended].

I’ve listened to this song “Leaf” so many times in the lonely nights. “But my heart seems to have wandered off to somewhere far beyond my eyesight. It looks like you’re not the only thing that I lost,” every time I hear this part of the song, I cannot help but cry. I can still feel the warmth of his lips on mine, but we have lost each other. What have I lost? Is it just love? No, I’ve lost my entire heart…

I go home for [Lunar] New Year’s during my winter break. Seeing the scar on my arm, my mom tuts in worry, but I quickly a.s.sure her by saying that it was due to a fall. After the New Year’s festivities are over, like usual, my parents celebrate my 25th birthday on the 10th day [Lunar], where I blow out candles and eat cake. The creamy taste of frosting makes me suddenly recall Rajiva’s sketches. Right now, is he drawing me, I wonder? …No, no, there is no ‘right now’. Everything about him belongs to the past.

Once winter break is over, I return to school, but there are no cla.s.ses. Everyone is busy with job-hunting. It is not easy for those in my major to find jobs after graduation. Staying at the university to become a professor, joining archaeological inst.i.tutes or museums…these jobs don’t make a lot of money. Many of my friends become too impatient so they end up becoming secretaries or salespersons at some company. The topic of our ‘future’ is the most widely discussed topic at social gatherings, a subject I have no interest in joining.

The articles I wrote on the Kizil Caves have become quite the sensation in the academic world, a topic of controversy for some even. My ‘boss’ tries to persuade me to remain at the university and pursue a PhD while teaching. I do not give him an answer right away as I still want to experience a life where “I eat, travel, and walk around all my own”, where “I also read, write letters, and carry conversations by myself”.

Time pa.s.ses by slowly. Sometimes when I’m bored, I would go on online and read novels about time-travel, except I would only read ones that are funny. Ones like ‘x and x time-jumps in reverse’, ‘When x meets ancient people’, ‘I am x’s great-grandmother’, etc. I am always a laughing mess after reading these novels. I sincerely wish all the best to these time-travelling heroines; they are much luckier than I am! I have learned the art of forgetting just like that.

Time pa.s.ses by slowly. Sometimes when I’m bored, I would go on online and read novels about time-travel, except I would only read ones that are funny. Ones like ‘x and x time-jumps in reverse’, ‘When x meets ancient people’, ‘I am x’s great-grandmother’, etc. I am always a laughing mess after reading these novels. I sincerely wish all the best to these time-travelling heroines; they are much luckier than I am! I have learned the art of forgetting just like that.

Once April comes, I immediately set off on a backpacking trip. I do not dare to go to Xinjiang because I know I would not able to resist visiting Kucha while I’m there. My state of mind upon seeing those ruins 1,650 years later will not be the same calm detached feeling I had when I went there for research. Still the same s.p.a.ce, but separated by 1,650 years in time. Loving each other but unable to stay together…I will go insane drowning in these thoughts. In the end, I choose to go to Tibet, a place where I can purify my soul.

I enter Tibet by following the southern route of the Sichuan-Tibet Highway1 [see above], which starts at Chengdu, pa.s.sing by Ya’an, Kangding, and when we reach Litang, I cannot help but recall the 6thDalai Lama of Tibet – Tsangyang Gyatso. It is thanks to these lines of his, “White crane, lend me your wings. / I’ll not fly far away. / Once round Litang,/ and I’ll be back.”2, that make the scenery of Litang all the more poetic and mesmerizing. Just by looking at the beautiful Niege Peak and the endless Maoya Gra.s.slands situated some 4,000m above the sea, the vastness of it all will make all your worries disappear.
1 known as one of the world’s most dangerous, highest and most punishing roads due to frequent landslides, rock avalanches, high winds, etc (source: BBC Travel). The northern route is 2320km [1442mi] long and the southern route is 2140km [1330mi]. Both routes start at Chendung, which is 500m in alt.i.tude, pa.s.sing through Kangding at 2,560m, to Xinduqiao Bridge at 3,460m above sea level (source: Tibet Vista). It can take up two weeks to complete this road. Despite the dangers, many still take this Highway due to the breathtaking scenery it provides along the way.
2 English translation by Simon Wickham-Smith from University of Washington

When pa.s.sing by Markam, Bomi, Bayi, you can literally just press the shutter b.u.t.ton on your camera at any time and be able to capture a beautiful photo. The scenery is so bountiful and vast it takes your breath away. As soon as glimpses of the Potala Palace come into view, I know I have arrived at the scared land – Lhasa, the capital of Tibet.

On the way, I have met and befriended many young people. We travel together along many sections [of the highway] and follow the system of splitting by headcount extremely well. If at any point people break up to go separate ways, the remaining will just simply join a new group to make up for the lost numbers. We may be youngsters, but due to our pa.s.sion for travelling, everyone is rather knowledgeable about many things, so there’s much to talk about along the way. It is also not unusual for people to pair up in these kinds of trips. There is one night where the girl who shares a room with me does not return until the morning. However, this kind of romance on the road comes quickly and also leaves quickly; rarely do people keep contact afterwards.

One night, I go with the group of friends I just befriended at a youth hostel in Lhasa to a bar on Beijing E Rd. After a few rounds of drinking, we decide to play the game ‘Truth or Dare’. I was quite enthusiastic in the beginning, but after seeing that all the ‘Truth’ questions have to do with s.e.x and the ‘Dares’ are mostly ones involving kissing, I begin to lose interest [in the game].

When it is my turn to answer a ‘truth’ question, a young Beijing man asks me: “When was your ‘first time’, where did it happen and how did it feel?”

I sigh before answering haltingly: “I haven’t.”

There’s a round of laughter. Quite a few men are looking me like they want to undress me with their eyes. One even jokes that he can ‘help’ me.

I almost bolts out of the bar right then. I don’t understand what the young people are thinking these days. Apparently people my age who are still virgins are considered some alien species. Nowadays, the trend is to treat love and s.e.x like fast-food: eat quickly, wipe your mouth, and move on to the next meal even if you haven’t finished chewing. The me who seeks a ‘pure’ love wonders if men who hesitate a long while before asking ‘can I?’ when he wants to kiss me still exist. Or perhaps in this 21st century, this kind of love has become an endangered species?

I decide to stop joining these social gatherings at bars. That level of noise and debauchery, is it not simply a carnival of the lonely? If that’s the case, then I will choose to be alone and to find joy in my own company.

I almost bolts out of the bar right then. I don’t understand what the young people are thinking these days. Apparently people my age who are still virgins are considered some alien species. Nowadays, the trend is to treat love and s.e.x like fast-food: eat quickly, wipe your mouth, and move on to the next meal even if you haven’t finished chewing. The me who seeks a ‘pure’ love wonders if men who hesitate a long while before asking ‘can I?’ when he wants to kiss me still exist. Or perhaps in this 21st century, this kind of love has become an endangered species?

I decide to stop joining these social gatherings at bars. That level of noise and debauchery, is it not simply a carnival of the lonely? If that’s the case, then I will choose to be alone and to find joy in my own company.

Wandering aimlessly along the streets of Lhasa during the night, and you can see how clear the night sky is, where stars twinkle so brightly overhead they feel almost within reach. There are very few cities left where you can observe the stars this clearly. I cannot help but recall the mesmerizing night sky I once saw in that ancient kingdom, situated next to an oasis in the desert.

I observe the Tibetan Buddhists and pray along with them before the statues in the Jokhang Temple, in the Potala Palace, and in the Drepung Monastery. Every time the conch is sounded, I would get surprised and my body would tremble. In that moment, I feel as though my soul has been transported to another place in another sky. After observing about a hundred temple ceremonies, after much kowtowing, I finally realize that no matter how far I run, I can never escape the lovesickness that has taken roots in the very depths of my heart.

[Order of photos: Top left – Drepung Monastery, Top right – Jokhang Temple, Bottom – Potala Palace]

When I return to school, I get approached by someone who’s also in my program but is a year above me. He is currently working at an archaeological inst.i.tute. It takes him a long moment before he is able to confess his feelings for me…to which I immediately accept. His flushing face reminds me of a certain someone…

I do not want to make up any excuses, like saying I cannot bear this feeling of loneliness any longer, or that I miss that person too much. The reason why I accept that uppercla.s.sman’s confession is simple: He is a man from my reality and I, in the end, must live in this reality…

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Ramblings: Ugh, so much angst and melancholy. Makes translator me rather down-heartened at times, as if I don’t already have enough sadness in my head to deal with.

I rather love the imagery of the lyrics to Leaf, “Loneliness is a carnival of one. / And a carnival is a gathering of the lonely“, even if it was a struggle to translate. Songs, literary references and poems are the worst to translate. After that is names of places.[Also note to self: add Tibet to places I must visit before I die. That said, not sure I want to use this Sichuan-Tibet Highway route. Don’t know if beauty is worth the danger of possibly dying while en route.]

Anddd we’re done with Part II, phew. Part III is next, which is probably the part I dread the most, because it’s gonna be so painful to translate. My heart already hurts at the very thought. That said, erm ratings will also go up [spoilers?], so be prepared.

I do hope to see y’all again soon, but it’s going to be busy for me in the next couple months as I am about to move to a new apartment, so… Hopefully I’d be able to churn out a chapter or two before my house becomes an official living mess :p