Faithful to Buddha, Faithful to You

There is a pomegranate tree in the courtyard and every day, I would go there to brush my teeth . I brought my toothbrush along on this trip but no toothpaste, due to fear of radiation, so I have to make do with the coa.r.s.e saline water here . Having finished with his washing, Rajiva leans against the door and watches me . I smile back at him, then tilt my head up and gargle noisily .

It makes me recall a funny article I once read . A man has asked his girlfriend to marry him but she shook her head and said no . He was very surprised: “We already have such an intimate relationship, why would you say no to marriage?” She replied: “Because I don’t want to brush my teeth in front of you!”

“A woman will adorn herself for someone who delights in her” is the common saying* . Naturally, women always want to look beautiful in the eyes of their beloved . But to live like j.a.panese women who put on makeup before their husbands wake, dressed up even at home: that is not living, but making living a profession . If you are not willing to show your most embarra.s.sing, messy self to your beloved, it means that your love is not deep enough and you should not even think about living together . To truly love someone does not mean you have to love all their flaws, but to love the soul beneath all the pretty packaging .
* The author of the full quote is Sima Qian, and this quote was found in two of his works, Letter to Ren An and Records of the Grand Historian (Shiji): “士为知己者死，女为悦己者容” . Translation: “A gentleman will do his utmost for someone who appreciates him, just as a woman will adorn herself for someone who delights in her . ” (English translation is from Durrant, Stephen W . , et al .  The Letter to Ren An & Sima Qian’s Legacy . University of Washington Press, 2016 . )

What about me? Whenever I had papers due, I often forego brushing my teeth, my hair a mess, planted as I was in front of my computer . On weekends, I like to lie on my bed and sleep in until hunger hits and makes me dizzy . During winter, I grind my teeth and ignore the pile of laundry high as a mountain that I have left soaked in a basin for several days, and when I do wash them, it is done as quick as possible . I also often sit on the toilet with a book in hand until my feet are numb and I can barely stand . Am I willing to show these things to Rajiva?

What about him? Now that he has stepped down from the dais, perhaps he too also has bad habits that he does not want to reveal to others . Would he be willing to show them in front of me?

Once the love scene ends, we must face the everyday problems of living together . We have to find ways to reconcile the lifestyles of two people from different eras, differences that span centuries . Have to learn to adapt, to accept each other . This is a much more difficult task than making love .

After brushing my teeth, I look up at the clear blue sky, slightly overcome with emotions . This invisible golden cage has unwittingly placed us in a situation where we have to think about the trials of living together, something that we have never once dared to think about . Rajiva stands next to me in silence . Looking at him, I suddenly recall something and laugh .

“What is making you so happy?”

“I want to ask you something,” I reach for his arms, “earlier, it wasn’t very good, was it?”

“What was not good?”

“Because I haven’t brushed my teeth yet…”

I kissed him before I have brushed my teeth; I wonder if he has minded .

“I don’t mind…” Something seems to tickle his eyes . “That night, Rajiva was inebriated, have even vomited, it must not have been pleasant . Did you mind?”

“Yes, it was not pleasant,” I tilt my head at the memory, “but it did not cross my mind at the time . ”

I look at him, at the summer sun reflecting on his face, and feel his smile washing away every worry and anxious thought inside me . We will be happy, right? Even though our living, eating habits are different, and our upbringings are a thousand years apart, love is an unbreakable string that binds us .

It is you who I want to kiss even without brushing my teeth; who I am willing to show all of myself to and letting you gradually see my lazy self; who I will try my hardest to find a balance between our lifestyles .

And this balance begins with one of humans’ most basic needs: sleep .

We have just begun living together, so there are still some psychological barriers between us . The second night, I have tried to sleep on the bigger and more luxurious bed, leaving him to the daybed . But both of us tossed and turned that night, unable to sleep . In the end, I found myself on the daybed with him . After that, we stop our unnecessary back and forth and sleep next to each other from then on .

So, Round One: Love wins!

Having tasted the forbidden fruit, we are very much desirous of each other’s bodies . However, Rajiva has lived in Buddhist temple(s) for more than 28 years . Celibacy is one of the major precepts of Buddhism . It is a concept deep-rooted in the minds of disciples . That’s why, despite lying next to each other and despite his fervent desires, his mind is in constant battle, his heart a wrangled mess . However, in the end, reason cedes to body . The frequency in which he resists his body becomes shorter and shorter . Again and again, reason gives way to desire . After about ten days of living together, I begin to see that he has come to understand and accept his s.e.xual desire in his own way, and has even come to enjoy the pleasures it reaps .

So, Round Two: Love wins!

However, after each night of pa.s.sion, he does not seem to be keen on the post-coital cuddling . I can understand this . He has never spent the time to understand women so he does not know that when having s.e.x, the thing women crave the most is not the process, but the feeling of connectedness . These things, I can slowly teach him . But he wants to sleep with a blanket each, and that annoys me . He says that he has been used to sleeping alone the past thirty years, now that I am here, he is afraid that his sleeping habits would disturb me . I then have to explain to him patiently that for a couple, sharing a pillow brings a sense of happiness . I have also been sleeping alone for over twenty years and my sleeping habits are also not pretty . But I really like the saying of living and dying in the same spot . That closeness tells me that I have truly integrated myself and become an inseparable part of his life .

So, Round Three: Ai Qing wins!

After that small argument, we always sleep together every night . But another problem arises . His sleeping posture is truly bad . He likes to sleep on his back, but being so tall, he ends up having to curl like a giant shrimp, whereas I like to stick to him and feel his warmth . The bed is small, we huddle in a corner and in the middle of the night, I would often wake up freezing and realize that he has pulled the blanket to his side . I try to drag it back, but deep asleep as he is, he would not let go . After a few times of this blanket war, he comes up with a solution . He tries to remain straight on his back so that way, I can snuggle into his shoulder, and we can avoid the blanket being pulled away . But poor Rajiva, every morning when he wakes up, he would have to shake shake his shoulders and neck to ease the stiffness . I feel bad, but he only smiles at me, saying that he will get used to it .

So, Round Four: Ai Qing wins!

There is one more thing to adjust, which is sleeping time .

Like many of my friends in the 21st century, I am used to staying up late and sleeping in . There are times when I would pull all-nighters to write essays . But ever since I travelled to this era, my working and resting habits have changed . I now sleep at ten or eleven o’clock, because I can only write down my observation notes in the evening . But my sleeping-in habit cannot seem to be fixed . Seven, eight o’clock in this era is already very late morning, but I still try to linger in bed, indulging in every extra minute that I can . Rajiva is used to a routine: Sleeping at seven, eight in the evening, and waking up at four . During our first few days living together, Rajiva would go to bed first, and I would stay up writing in my diary until past ten . But I start to realize that when I do go to bed, Rajiva would still be up . After much asking, he finally admits that he is sensitive to light and noise, so only after I have extinguish the lamp, can he sleep . To ensure that he gets a good rest, I then try to follow him and sleep as soon as the night begins . Then to my great dismay, I learn that I cannot continue to be a lazy cat any longer . Four o’clock, as soon as Rajiva rises and places a kiss on my forehead, I would immediately wake up, and sleeping in any longer would cause a headache . After that, he would start his morning mantra and be surprised to see me do exercises such as jogging in the courtyard .

I begin to pick up the habits of people in ancient times, waking up when the sun rises and going to bed when the sun sets . I tell myself: must get used to it!

So, Round Five: Rajiva wins!

In terms of daily habits, we have tried our best to adjust to each other’s presence, observe the other’s lifestyle curiously, and sacrificing some needs and personal wants for one another . A life like this makes me happy . As for Rajiva, I can also feel his joy with this arrangement, how he gets surprised at times, and how quickly he adjusts and accepts another presence in his living s.p.a.ce . We are both working hard to create a world for the two of us .

But that is not all there is to life . We still have one more problem that needs to be solved, one that is very urgent and important: What to do during our free time in this cage? If we are not under house arrest, I would have spent my day continuing with the field research . Everything about the ancient times, from eating to walking, can be a subject to study . Rajiva also has lots of things to handle at the temple: There are disciples to lead, to teach, to explain scriptures; also monks from Kabul, Tianzhu [India], other places in the Western Regions or the Central Plains to exchange debates with, to promote Mahayana Buddhism; to go deep into the ma.s.ses to learn and understand their suffering, to spread the words of the Buddha far and wide so that more people can follow his teachings .

But this golden cage has turned our lives upside down . At times, I see his eyes looking at me with some sadness . Other times, I see him standing in the middle of the flower garden, silently staring at the sky above for a long while . Such a sight makes me realize that I have to create something for him to do .

So one day, after finishing with breakfast, I surprise him by pulling him to the reading table, and then by taking out pen and paper from my backpack .

“We have eaten our fill, time to work!”

“What kind of work?”

“We are now in a cage, have to think of something to do, or else we will turn into a husk . So you should write down the scriptures, and think about how to translate them into Han . ”

“Translate into Han?”

“Buddhism began in Tianzhu, and every scripture is written in Sanskrit . If you want the Buddha’s words to flourish in the Central Plains, you have to translate them into Han so the Han people can read and understand . ”

I smile and continue to explain: “Almost all the Buddhist scriptures currently in use in the Central Plains are translated from the languages of the various kingdoms in the Western Regions . These Buddhist scriptures have already lost some of their meanings when translating from Sanskrit into the local language, which is then worsened when translated a second time into Han* . Errors in translation, in copying, also change the shape and meaning of the words, which greatly affects the dissemination of Buddhist teachings . Sanskrit and Han are both complicated languages . Monks who travel to the Central Plains from Tianzhu and Western Regions to teach must often rely on the ones in the Central Plains . They could perhaps discern meanings from listening, but the original prose and style get lost this way . Until this day, there is no person who understands both languages and is able change this predicament . Rajiva, for a religion to spread, it must first ensure that the common people can understand its teachings . The current style of transliteration must be changed, and even if you don’t know how to translate, it will be changed by you . ”
* [T/N: *coughs, looks at how my translation project is literally a 2nd translation…]

Rajiva’s eyes are shining as he looks at me, admiration clear in his gaze . He has understood that to promote Buddhism in the Central Plains, how important it is to ensure that the translation of the sutras into Han is both highly accurate and easy to understand .

“But I am afraid my proficiency in Han will not be adequate to produce such a translation . ” He grabs a hold of my shoulders, his eyes hopeful: “Ai Qing, can you help me?”

I shake my head, embarra.s.sed . I am not a Buddhist disciple . Those sutras, I already feel dizzy just looking at them . However, my knowledge is not completely useless to his translation . Furthermore, I would be able to work with him, a fact that makes me very happy . Who knows, I might have been one of the translators in Rajiva’s first sutra! These small details are often forgotten or lost in the streams of history, so who knows what the truth is!

“Well, we can start by practicing with the simplest sutras . ”

“The simplest sutras?”

He gets lost in thought . Which sutras?

“Rajiva, there is a text called 维摩诘经 [Wéi Mójí Jīng]*, do you know what its corresponding t.i.tle in Sanskrit is?”
* Vimalakīrti Nirdeśa

I ask him, because I do not know what its Sanskrit t.i.tle is . “Wei Moji Jing” is a transliteration and it was him who translated the t.i.tle, so maybe he will be able to guess based on my p.r.o.nunciation .

“Wei Moji was a wealthy layman, well-versed in Buddhist studies, such that many bodhisattvas come to him to ask questions . ”

This sutra was one of the most important ones in Ravaji’s translation career . It is also one of the cla.s.sics of Mahayana Buddhism, alongside “Da Bore Jing” [Mahāprajñāpāramitā Sūtra] . This text had a huge influence on the Han in Central Plains, where it has become more prevalent to practice Buddhism at home . Chinese culture values filial piety greatly: “There are three ways to be unfilial, the worst is to not have heirs . ”* The practice of becoming a monk thus greatly conflicts with the ethics and culture of the Central Plains . Furthermore, becoming a monk means giving up many earthly pleasures, which is a difficult decision for many . That is why, in the eyes of the Han Buddhists, a person like Wei Moji, who can enjoy the pleasures in life and still excel in Buddhist studies, is a great model to follow .
* 不孝有三，無後為大 originated from Mencius (Mengzi) in “Li Lou Shang”

“Ah, it is this sutra!” Rajiva p.r.o.nounces string of syllables in Sanskrit, which sound the same as in Han . “But the essence of this sutra is not at all simple . ”

I only smile in reply . He gently takes my hand and says warmly, “Ai Qing, Rajiva understands your intentions . You want to use the example of Vimalakirti* to comfort me, correct?”
[T/N: They will continue to use the Chinese name to refer to this text and its protagonist, but I will be opting for the actual Sanskrit name as I did with Rajiva . It will make more sense when name meanings are discussed later on in this chapter . ]

He stands up and paces around in the room . He ponders for a moment, then looks up at me, eyes shining bright with new wisdom:

“Buddha once asked Vimalakirti: ‘You are a great bodhisattva and yet have a family, how will you reach tranquility?’ Vimalakirti answered:

‘Wisdom is the bodhisattva’s mother,
expedient means his father;
of those who guide and teach all beings,
there are none born of these .

Dharma joy is his wife,
pity and compa.s.sion of mind are his daughters,
the good mind and sincerity his sons,
final emptiness and tranquility his dwelling .

For disciples he has many dusts and pa.s.sions;
they follow the dictates of his wills .
The thirty-seven elements of the Way are his good friends;
through them he gains correct enlightenment .

The paramitas are his Dharama companions,
the four methods of winning others, his singing girls .
For songs they carol the words of the Dharma;
such is the music made for him . ’*

* [T/N: These four stanzas are from Chapter 8 of the sutra, translated from k.u.marajiva’s Chinese version into English by In the novel, Rajiva actually summarized these stanzas into fewer lines as he has yet to undertake to translate the sutra, but I thought it would be nice to have the full original wording, so here it is . Note that Vimalakirti’s answer continues on for longer . ]

I smile and nod . As expected, I only need to mention this sutra and Rajiva will understand my meaning .

“Rajiva, Vimalakirti had a wife and lived an earthly life, but he still became ‘taintless fame’ and achieved liberation . ”

His eyes still shine bright, but now there is also a hint of fascination: “Ai Qing, how did you know that Vimalakirti means ‘taintless fame’?”

Ahh, I have once again caught the disease of ‘naming things before they are born’! Xuanzang also translated this sutra but he named it “說無垢稱經[Shuō wú gòu chēng jīng]”1 . But I know the meaning of Vimalakirti’s name in Sanskrit is because of w.a.n.g Wei2 . His given name was Wei but chose his courtesy name to be Moji, in reference to Vimalakirti . His poetry collection was t.i.tled “w.a.n.g Moji’s Collection” . But w.a.n.g Wei did not understand Sanskrit . He did not know that that 维 [Wéi] in Sanskrit means ‘to not have’, 摩 [Mó] means ‘dirty’, and 诘 [Jí] means ‘proportionate’ . So w.a.n.g Wei means w.a.n.g Does Not Have, and courtesy Moji means Proportionately Dirty, Totally Dirty . So when I read this name explanation in Qian Xuangzhong’s “Xuanzang’s Journey to the West”, I had laughed until my stomach hurt . That is why I remember this “taintless fame” moniker .
1 無垢 [wú gòu] means “without disgrace” or “taintless”
2 w.a.n.g Wei (699–759 CE) was a Chinese poet, musician, painter, and politician during the Tang dynasty . 29 of his poems was included in the famous anthology “Three Hundred Tang Poems” .

However, w.a.n.g Wei has yet to be born at this time [currently 4th century], so how can I tell Rajiva about this funny anecdote?

“Ai Qing, you do not know Sanskrit, yet you understand numerous words in Buddhist sutras . You have never been to places like Kabul, Khotan, but you know what is there . You seem to know the future, but cannot tell the details . Your appearance has not changed the past twenty years, Rajiva naturally believes you must be a celestial being . But why does a celestial being only have half-knowledge . Shouldn’t you be all-knowing, all-seeing? Or…”

He embraces my shoulder and smiles meaningfully: “Because you are lazy, neglects your studies, so your abilities are lacking?”

What? I did not expect Rajiva’s imagination to be so colourful . To think that he has conjured up this image of a lazy celestial being based on my personality…

“Rajiva, I’m not a celestial being-”

He interrupts me with a shake of his head: “Ai Qing, this question has been swirling in my head the past twenty years . But to disclose the heaven’s secrets is a sin . So Rajiva will never force you to tell me the truth . ”

“Rajiva, you are the closest person I have, I do not want to hide my ident.i.ty from you . But can you please give me more time?” I look into his deep eyes and say with utmost sincerity: “I need to think about it, how to tell you . ”

“No, there is no need . ”

He pulls me into his arms .

“I know that it is Buddha’s mercy that has sent you to save me from this difficult time . ”

In his arms, I can feel the vivacity of his powerful heartbeats . I am sure that he has already started to question my strange ident.i.ty when he was thirteen . But no matter how high his IQ is, he is still constrained by the limits of his era, of history . He has interpreted my existence in his own way and has come to the natural conclusion that I must be a celestial being . But I love him, I want to live the rest of my life with him, so I should not hide anything from him . Perhaps it is time I should tell him about my origins . But, how to tell him? And will he be able to accept such a bizarre origin?

“Rajiva…”

I play with the prayer beads on his wrist, which have become faded and damaged from the years of use, but still exude a strong sandalwood scent .

“Let’s get to work!”

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