Thus she led him through all the gradations of diffi- culty, and obstacles, necessary to enhance the balue of the prize he aim"d at; and in conclusion, he was so struck with the little beauty I was mistress of, and so eagerly bent on gaining his ends of me, that he left her even no room to boast of her management in bringing him up to her mark, he drove so plum of himself into every thing tending to make him swallow the bait. Not but, in other respects, Mr. Norbert was not clear sighted enough, or that he did not perfectly know the town, and even by experience, the very branch of imposition now in practice upon him: but we had his pa.s.sion our friend so much, he was so blinded and hurried on by it, that he would have thought any undeception a very ill office done to his pleasure. Thus concurring, even precipitately, to the point she wanted him at, Mrs. Cole brought him at last to hug himself on the cheap bargain he consider"d the pur- chase of my imaginary jewel was to him, at no more than three hundred guineas to myself, and a hundred to the brokeress: being a slender recompense for all her pains, and all the scruples of conscience she had now sacrificed to him for this the first time of her life; which sums were to be paid down on the nail, upon livery of my person, exclusive of some no inconsiderable presents that had been made in the course of the negotiation: during which I had occasionally, but spar- ingly been introduc"d inbto his company, at proper times and hours; in which it is incredible how little it seem"d neces- sary to strain my natural disposition to modesty higher, in order to pa.s.s it upon him for that of a very maid: all my looks and gestures ever breathing nothing but that innocence which the men so ardently require in us, for no other end than to feast themselves with the pleasures of destroying it, and which they are so grievously, with all their skill, sub- ject to mistakes in.
When the articles of the treaty had been fully agreed on, the stipulated payments duly secur"d, and nothing now remained but the execution of the main point, which center"d in the surrender of my person up to his free disposal and use, Mrs. Cole managed her objections, especially to his lodgings, and insinuations so nicely, that it became his own mere notion and urgent request that this copy of a wedding should be finish"d at her house: At first, indeed, she did not care, said she, to have such doings in it . . . she would not for a thousand pounds have any of the servants or "prentices know it . . . her precious good name would be gone forever--with the like excuses. However, on superior objec- tions to all other expedients, whilst she took care to start none but those which were most liable to them, it came round at last to the necessity of her obliging him in that conveni- ency, and of doing a little more where she had already done so much.
The night then was fix"d, with all possible respect to the eagerness of his impatience, and in the mean time Mrs.
Cole had omitted no instructions, nor even neglected any preparation, that might enable me to come off with honour, in regard to the appearance of my virginity, except that, favour"d as I was by nature with all the narrowness of stricture in that part requisite to conduct my designs, I had no occasion to borrow those auxiliaries of art that create a momentary one, easily discover"d by the test of a warm bath; and as to the usual sanguinary symptoms of de- floration, which, if not always, are generally attendants on it, Mrs. Cole had made me the mistress of an invention of her own which could hardly miss its effect, and of which more in its place.
Everything then being disposed and fix"d for Mr. Nor- bert"s reception, he was, at the hour of eleven at night, with all the mysteries of silence and secrecy, let in by Mrs.
Cole herself, and introduced into her bed-chamber, where, in an old-fashioned bed of her"s, I lay, fully undressed, and panting, if not with the fears of a real maid, at least with those perhaps greater of a dissembled one which gave me an air of confusion and bashfulness that maiden-modesty had all the honour of, and was indeed scarce distinguishable from it, even by less partial eyes than those of my lover: so let me call him, for I ever thought the term "cully" too cruel a reproach to the men for their abused weakness for us.
As soon as Mrs. Cole, after the old gossipery, on these occasions, us"d to young women abandoned for the first time to the will of man, had left us alone in her room, which, by- the-bye, was well lighted up, at his previous desire, that seemed to bode a stricter examination that he afterwards made, Mr. Norbert, still dressed, sprung towards the bed, where I got my head under the cloaths, and defended them a good while before he could even get at my lips, to kiss them: so true it is, that a false virtue, on this occasion, even makes a greater rout and resistance than a true one. From thence he descended to my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, the feel I disputed tooth and nail with him till, tired with my resistance, and think- ing probably to give a better account of me, when got into bed to me, the hurry"d his cloaths off in an instant, and came into bed.
Mean while, by the glimpse I stole of him, I could easily discover a person far from promising any such doughty performances as the storming of maidenheads generally re- quires, and whose flimsy consumptive texture gave him more the air of an invalid that was pressed, than of a volunteer, on such hot service.
At scarce thirty, he had already reduced his strength of appet.i.te down to a wretched dependence on forc"d provocatives, very little seconded by the natural power of a body jaded and racked off to the lees by constant repeated over-draughts of pleasure, which had done the work of sixty winters on his springs of life: leaving him at the same time all the fire and heat of youth in his imagination, which served at once to torment and spur him down the precipice.
As soon as he was in bed, he threw off the bed-cloaths, which I suffered him to force from my hold, and I now lay as expos"d as he could wish, not only to his attacks, but his visitation of the sheets; where in the various agitations of the body, through my endeavours to defend myself, he could easily a.s.sure himself there was no preparation: though, to do him justice, he seem"d a less strict examinant than I had apprehended from so experienc"d a pract.i.tioner. My shift then he fairly tore open, finding I made too much use of it to barricade my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, as well as the more important avenue: yet in every thing else he proceeded with all the marks of tenderness and regard to me, whilst the art of my play was to shew none for him. I acted then all the nice- ties, apprehensions, and terrors supposable for a girl per- fectly innocent to feel at so great a novelty as a naked man in bed with her for the first time. He scarce even obtained a kiss but what he ravished; I put his hand away twenty times from my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, where he had satisfied himself of their hardness and consistence, with pa.s.sing for hitherto unhandled goods. But when grown impatient for the main point, he now threw himself upon me, and first trying to examine me with his finger, sought to make himself further way, I complained of his usage bitterly: I thought he would not have serv"d a body so . . . I was ruin"d . . . I did not know what I had done . . . I would get up, so I would . . .; and at the same time kept my thighs so fast locked, that it was not for strength like his to force them open, or do any good. Find- ing thus my advantages, and that I had both my own and his motions at command, the deceiving him came so easy that it was perfectly playing upon velvet. In the mean time his machine, which was one of those sizes that slip in and out without being minded, kept pretty stiffly bearing against that part, which the shutting my thighs barr"d access to; but finding, at length, he could do no good by mere dint of bodily strength, he resorted to entreaties and arguments: to which I only answer"d with a tone of shame and timidity, that I was afraid he would kill me . . . Lord! . . ., I would not be served so . . . I was never so used in all my born days .
. . I wondered he was not ashamed of himself, so I did . . ., with such silly infantile moods of repulse and complaint as I judged best adapted to the express the character of innocence and affright. Pretending, however, to yield at length to the vehemence of his insistence, in action and words, I sparingly disclosed my thighs, so that he could just touch the cloven inlet with the tip of his instrument: but as he fatigued and toil"d to get it in, a twist of my body, so as to receive it obliquely, not only thwarted his admission, but giving a scream, as if he had pierced me to the heart, I shook him off me with such violence that he could not with all his might to it, keep the saddle: vex"d indeed at this he seemed, but not in the style of any displeasure with me for my skittishness; on the contrary, I dare swear he held me the dearer, and hugged himself for the difficulties that even hurt his instant pleasure. Fired, however, now beyond all bearance of delay, he remounts and begg"d of me to have patience, strok- ing and soothing me to it by all the tenderest endearments and protestations of what he would moreover do for me; at which, feigning to be something softened, and abating of the anger that I had shewn at his hurting me so prodigiously, I suffered him to lay my thighs aside, and make way for a new trial; but I watched the directions and management of his point so well, that no sooner was the orifice in the least open to it, but I gave such a timely jerk as seemed to pro- ceed not from the evasion of his entry, but from the pain his efforts at it put me to: a circ.u.mstance too that I did not fail to accompany with proper gestures, sighs and cries of complaint, of which that he had hurt me . . . he kill"d me .
. . I should die . . ., were the most frequent interjections.
But now, after repeated attempts, in which he had not made the least impression towards gaining his point, at least for that time, the pleasure rose so fast upon him that he could not check or delay it, and in the vigour and fury which the approaches of the height of it inspir"d him, he made one fierce thrust, that had almost put me by my guard, and lodged it so far that I could feel the warm inspersion just within the exterior orifice, which I had the cruelty not to let him finish there, but threw him out again, not without a most piercing loud exclamation, as if the pain had put me beyond all regard of being overheard. It was easy then to observe that he was more satisfy"d, more highly pleased with the supposed motives of his baulk of consummation, than he would have been at the full attainment of it. It was on this foot that I solved to myself all the falsity I employed to procure him that blissful pleasure in it, which most certainly he would not have tasted in the truth of things.
Eas"d however, and relieved by one discharge, he now apply"d himself to sooth, encourage and to put me into humour and patience to bear his next attempt, which he began to prepare and gather force for, from all the incentives of the touch and sight which he could think of, by examining every indi- vidual part of my whole body, which he declared his satis- faction with in raptures of applauses, kisses universally imprinted, and sparing no part of me, in all the eagerest wantonness of feeling, seeing, and toying. His vigour how- ever did not return so soon, and I felt him more than once pushing at the door, but so little in a condition to break in, that I question whether he had the power to enter, had I held it ever so open; but this he then thought me too little acquainted with the nature of things to have any regret or confusion about, and he kept fatiguing himself and me for a long time, before he was in any state to resume his attacks with any prospect of success; and then I breath"d him so warmly, and kept him so at bay, that before he had made any sensible progress in point of penetration, he was deliciously sweated, and weary"d out indeed: so that it was deep in the morning before he achieved his second let-go, about half way of entrance, I all the while crying and complaining of his prodigious vigour, and the immensity of what I appear"d to suffer splitting up with. Tired, however, at length, with such athletic drudgery, my champion began now to give out, and to gladly embrace the refreshment of some rest. Kissing me then with much affection, and recommending me to my repose, he presently fell fast asleep: which, as soon as I had well satisfy"d myself of, I with much composure of body, so as not to wake him by any motion, with much ease and safety too, played of Mrs. Cole"s advice for perfecting the signs of my virginity.
In each of the head bed-posts, just above where the bed- steads are inserted into them, there was a small drawer, so artfully adapted to the mouldings of the timber-work, that it might have escap"d even the most curious search: which drawers were easily open"d or shut by the touch of a spring, and were fitted each with a shallow gla.s.s tumbler, full of a prepared fluid blood, in which lay soak"d, for ready use, a sponge that required no more than gently reaching the hand to it, taking it out and properly squeezing between the thighs, when it yielded a great deal more of the red liquid than would save a girl"s honour; after which, replacing it, and touching the spring, all possibility of discovery, or even of suspicion, was taken away; and all this was not the work of the fourth part of a minute, and on which ever side one lay, the thing was equally easy and practicable, by the double care taken to have each bed-post provided alike. True it is, that had he waked and caught me in the act, it would at least have covered me with shame and confusion; but then, that he did not, was, with the precautions I took, a risk of a thou- sand to one in my favour.
At ease now, and out of all fear of any doubt or sus- picion on his side, I address"d myself in good earnest to my repose, but could obtain none; and in about half an hour"s time my gentleman waked again, and turning towards me, I feigned a sound sleep, which he did not long respect; but girding himself again to renew the onset, he began to kiss and caress me, when now making as if I just wak"d, I com- plained of the disturbance, and of the cruel pain that this little rest had stole my senses from. Eager, however, for the pleasure, as well of consummating an entire triumph over my virginity, he said everything that could overcome my resistance, and bribe my patience to the end, which not I was ready to listen to, from being secure of the b.l.o.o.d.y proofs I had prepared of his victorious violence, though I still thought it good policy not to let him in yet a while. I answered then only to his importunities in sighs and moans that I was so hurt, I could not bear it . . . I was sure he had done me a mischief; that he had . . . he was such a sad man! At this, turning down the cloaths and viewing the field of battle by the glimmer of a dying taper, he saw plainly my thighs, shift, and sheets, all stained with what he readily took for a virgin effusion, proceeding from his last half- penetration: convinc"d, and transported at which, nothing could equal his joy and exultation. The illusion was com- plete, no other conception entered his head but that of his having been at work upon an unopen"d mine; which idea, upon so strong an evidence, redoubled at once his tenderness for me, and his ardour for breaking it wholly up. Kissing me then with the utmost rapture, he comforted me, and begg"d my pardon for the pain he had put me to: observing withal, that it was only a thing in course: but the worst was certainly past, and that with a little courage and constancy, I should get it once well over, and never after experience any thing but the greatest pleasure. By little and little I suffer"d myself to be prevailed on, and giving, as it were, up the point to him, I made my thighs, insensibly spreading them, yield him liberty of access, which improving, he got a little within me, when by a well managed reception I work"d the female screw so nicely, that I kept him from the easy mid-channel direction, and by dextrous wreathing and contor- tions, creating an artificial difficulty of entrance, made him win it inch by inch, with the most laborious struggles, I all the while sorely complaining: till at length, with might and main, winding his way in, he got it completely home, and giving my virginity, as he thought, the coup de grace, furnished me with the cue of setting up a terrible outcry, whilst he, triumphant and like a c.o.c.k clapping his wings over his down-trod mistress, pursu"d his pleasure: which presently rose, in virtue of this idea of a complete victory, to a pitch that made me soon sensible of his melt- ing period; whilst I now lay acting the deep wounded,breath- less, frighten"d, undone, no longer maid.
You would ask me, perhaps, whether all this time I enjoy"d any perception of pleasure? I a.s.sure you, little or none, till just towards the latter end, a faintish sense of it came on mechanically, from so long a struggle and frequent fret in that ever sensible part; but, in the first place, I had no taste for the person I was suffering the embraces of, on a pure mercenary account; and then, I was not entirely delighted with myself for the jade"s part I was playing, whatever excuses I might have to plead for my being brought into it; but then this insensibility kept me so much the mistress of my mind and motions, that I could the better manage so close a counterfeit, through the whole scene of deception.
Recover"d at length to a more shew of life, by his ten- der condolences, kisses and embraces, I upbraided him, and reproach"d him with my ruin, in such natural terms as added to his satisfaction with himself for having accomplish"d it; and guessing, by certain observations of mine, that it would be rather favourable to him, to spare him, when he some time after, feebly enough, came on again to the a.s.sault, I reso- lutely withstood any further endeavours, on a pretext that flattered his prowess, of my being so violently hurt and sore that I could not possibly endure a fresh trial. He then gra- ciously granted me a respite, and the next morning soon after advancing, I got rid of further importunity, till Mrs. Cole, being rang for by him, came in and was made acquainted, in terms of the utmost joy and rapture, with his triumphant cer- tainty of my virtue, and the finishing stroke he had given it in the course of the night: of which, he added, she would see proof enough in b.l.o.o.d.y characters on the sheets.
You may guess how a woman of her turn of address and experience humour"d the jest, and played him off with mixed exclamations of shame, anger, compa.s.sion for me, and of her being pleased that all was so well over: in which last, I believe, she was certainly sincere. And now, as the objec- tion which she had represented as an invincible one, to my lying the first night at his lodgings (which were studiously calculated for freedom of intrigues), on the account of my maiden fears and terrors at the thoughts of going to a gentleman"s chambers, and being alone with him in bed, was surmounted, she pretended to persuade me, in favour to him, that I should go there to him whenever he pleas"d, and still keep up all the necessary appearances of working with her, that I might not lose, with my character, the prospect of getting a good husband, and at the same time her house would be kept the safer from scandal. All this seem"d so reason- able, so considerate to Mr. Norbert, that he never once per- ceived that she did not want him to resort to her house, lest he might in time discover certain inconsistencies with the character she had set out with to him: besides that, this plan greatly flattered his own ease, and views of liberty.
Leaving me then to my much wanted rest, he got up, and Mrs. Cole, after settling with him all points relating to me, got him undiscovered out of the house. After which, as I was awake, she came in and gave me due praises for my success.
Behaving too with her usual moderation and disinterestedness, she refus"d any share of the sum I had thus earned, and put me into such a secure and easy way of disposing of my af- fairs, which now amounted to a kind of little fortune, that a child of ten years old might have kept the account and property of them safe in its hands.
I was now restor"d again to my former state of a kept mistress, and used punctually to wait on Mr. Norbert at his chambers whenever he sent a messenger for me, which I con- stantly took care to be in the way of, and manag"d with so much caution that he never once penetrated the nature of my connections with Mrs. Cole; but indolently given up to ease and the town dissipations, the perpetual hurry of them hin- der"d him from looking into his own affairs, much less to mine.
In the mean time, if I may judge from my own experience, none are better paid, or better treated, during their reign, than the mistresses of those who, enervate by nature, debauc- heries, or age, have the least employment for the s.e.x: sen- sible that a woman must be satisfy"d some way, they ply her with a thousand little tender attentions, presents, caresses, confidences, and exhaust their inventions in means and de- vices to make up for the capital deficiency; and even towards lessening that, what arts, what modes, what refinements of pleasure have they not recourse to, to raise their languid powers, and press nature into the service of their sensu- ality? But here is their misfortune, that when by a course of teasing, worrying, handling, wanton postures, lascivious motions, they have at length accomplish"d a flashy enervate enjoyment, they at the same time lighted up a flame in the object of their pa.s.sion, that, not having the means them- selves to quench, drives her for relief into the next per- son"s arms, who can finish their work; and thus they become bawds to some favourite, tried and approv"d of, for a more vigourous and satisfactory execution; for with women, of our turn especially, however well our hearts may be dispos"d, there is a controlling part, or queen seat in us, that governs itself by its own maxims of state, amongst which not one is stronger, in practice with it, than, in the matter of its dues, never to accept the will for the deed.
Mr. Norbert, who was much in this ungracious case, though he profess"d to like me extremely, could but seldom consummate the main-joy itself with me, without such a length and variety of preparations, as were at once wearisome and inflammatory.
Sometimes he would strip me stark naked on a carpet, by a good fire, when he would contemplate me almost by the hour, disposing me in all the figures and att.i.tudes of body that it was susceptible of being viewed in; kissing me in every part, the most secret and critical one so far from excepted that it received most of that branch of homage. Then his touches were so exquisitely wanton, so luxuriously diffus"d and pene- trative at times, that he had made me perfectly rage with t.i.tillating fires, when, after all, and with much ado, he had gained a short-lived erection, he would perhaps melt it away in a washy sweat, or a premature abortive effusion that pro- vokingly mock"d my eager desires: or, if carried home, how falter"d and unnervous the execution! how insufficient the sprinkle of a few heat-drops to extinguish all the flames he had kindled!
One evening, I cannot help remembering that returning home from him, with a spirit he had raised in a circle his wand had prov"d too weak to lay, as I turn"d the corner of a street, I was overtaken by a young sailor. I was then in that spruce, neat, plain dress which I ever affected, and perhaps might have, in my trip, a certain air of restless- ness unknown to the composure of cooler thoughts. However, he seiz"d me as a prize, and without farther ceremony threw his arms round my neck and kiss"d me boisterously and sweetly. I looked at him with a beginning of anger and indignation at his rudeness, that softened away into other sentiments as I viewed him: for he was tall, manly carri- aged, handsome of body and face, so that I ended my stare with asking him, in a tone turn"d to tenderness, what he meant; at which, with the same frankness and vivacity as he had begun with me, he proposed treating me with a gla.s.s of wine. Now, certain it is, that had I been in a calmer state of blood than I was, had I not been under the dominion of unappeas"d irritations and desires, I should have refused him without hesitation; but I do not know how it was, my pressing calls, his figure, the occasion, and if you will, the powerful combination of all these, with a start of curiosity to see the end of an adventure, so novel too as being treated like a common street-plyer, made me give a silent consent; in short, it was not my head that I now obeyed, I suffered myself to be towed along as it were by this man-of-war, who took me under his arm as familiarly as if he had known me all his life-time, and led me into the next convenient tavern, where we were shewn into a little room on one side of the pa.s.sage. Here, scarce allowing him- self patience till the waiter brought in the wine call"d for, he fell directly on board me: when, untucking my handker- chief, and giving me a s.n.a.t.c.hing buss, he laid my b.r.e.a.s.t.s bare at once, which he handled with that keenness of l.u.s.t that abridges a ceremonial ever more tiresome than pleasing on such pressing occasions; and now, hurrying towards the main point, we found no conveniency to our purpose, two or three disabled chairs and a rickety table composing the whole furniture of the room. Without more ado, he plants me with my back standing against the wall, and my petticoats up; and coming out with a splitter indeed, made it shine, as he brandished it in my eyes; and going to work with an impetu- osity and eagerness, bred very likely by a long fast at sea, went ot give me a taste of it. I straddled, I humoured my posture, and did my best in short to buckle to it; I took part of it in too, but still things did not go to his thor- ough liking: changing then in a trice his system of battery, he leads me to the table and with a master-hand lays my head down on the edge of it, and, with the other canting up my petticoats and shift, bares my naked posteriours to his blind and furious guide; it forces its way between them, and I feeling pretty sensibly that it was not going by the right door, and knocking desperately at the wrong one, I told him of it: -"Pooh!" says he, "my dear, any port in a storm."
Altering, however, directly his course, and lowering his point, he fixed it right, and driving it up with a delicious stiffness, made all foam again, and gave me the tout with such fire and spirit, that in the fine disposition I was in when I submitted to him, and stirr"d up so fiercely as I was, I got the start of him, and went away into the melting swoon, and squeezing him, whilst in the convulsive grasp of it, drew from him such a plenteous bedewal as, join"d to my own effusion, perfectly floated those parts, and drown"d in a deluge all my raging conflagration of desire.
When this was over, how to make my retreat was my con- cern; for, though I had been so extremely pleas"d with the difference between this warm broadside, pour"d so briskly into me, and the tiresome pawing and toying to which I had owed the unappeas"d flames that had driven me into this step, now I was grown cooler, I began to apprehend the danger of contracting an acquaintance with this, however agreeable, stranger; who, on his side, spoke of pa.s.sing the evening with me and continuing our intimacy, with an air of determination that made me afraid of its being not so easy to get away from him as I could wish. In the mean time I carefully conceal"d my uneasiness, and readily pretended to consent to stay with him, telling him I should only step to my lodgings to leave a necessary direction, and then instantly return. This he very glibly swallowed, on the notion of my being one of those unhappy street-errants who devote themselves to the pleasure of the first ruffian that will stoop to pick them up, and of course, that I would scarce bilk myself of my hire, by my not returning to make the most of the job. Thus he parted with me, not before, however, he had order"d in my hearing a supper, which I had the barbarity to disappoint him of my company to.
But when I got home and told Mrs. Cole my adventure, she represented so strongly to me the nature and dangerous conse- quences of my folly, particularly the risks to my health, in being so open-legg"d and free, that I not only took resolu- tions never to venture so rashly again, which I inviolably preserv"d, but pa.s.s"d a good many days in continual uneasi- ness lest I should have met with other reasons, besides the pleasure of that encounter, to remember it; but these fears wronged my pretty sailor, for which I gladly make him this reparation.
I had now liv"d with Mr. Norbert near a quarter of a year, in which s.p.a.ce I circulated my time very pleasantly between my amus.e.m.e.nts at Mrs. Cole"s, and a proper attendance on that gentleman, who paid me profusely for the unlimited complaisance with which I pa.s.sively humoured every caprice of pleasure, and which had won upon him so greatly, that find- ing, as he said, all that variety in me alone which he had sought for in a number of women, I had made him lose his taste for inconstancy, and new faces. But what was yet at least agreeable, as well as more flattering, the love I had inspir"d him with bred a deference to me that was of great service to his health: for having by degrees, and with most pathetic representations, brought him to some husbandry of it, and to insure the duration of his pleasures by moderat- ing their use, and correcting those excesses in them he was so addicted to, and which had shatter"d his const.i.tution and destroyed his powers of life in the very point for which he seemed chiefly desirous, to live, he was grown more delicate, more temperate, and in course more healthy; his grat.i.tude for which was taking a turn very favourable for my fortune, when once more the caprice of it dash"d the cup from my lips.
His sister, Lady L . . ., for whom he had a great affec- tion, desiring him to accompany her down to Bath for her health, he could not refuse her such a favour; and accord- ingly, though he counted on staying away from me no more than a week at farthest, he took his leave of me with an ominous heaviness of heart, and left me a sum far above the state of his fortune, and very inconsistent with the intended short- ness of his journey; but it ended in the longest that can be, and is never but once taken: for, arriv"d at Bath, he was not there two days before he fell into a debauch of drinking with some gentlemen, that threw him into a high fever and carry"d him off in four days time, never once out of a delirium. Had he been in his senses to make a will, perhaps he might have made favourable mention of me in it. Thus, however, I lost him; and as no condition of life is more subject to revolu- tions than that of a woman of pleasure, I soon recover"d my cheerfulness, and now beheld myself once more struck off the list of kept-mistresses, and returned into the bosom of the community from which I had been in some manner taken.
Mrs. Cole still continuing her friendship, offered me her a.s.sistance and advice towards another choice; but I was now in ease and affluence enough to look about me at lei- sure; and as to any const.i.tutional calls of pleasure, their pressure, or sensibility, was greatly lessen"d by a consci- ousness of the ease with which they were to be satisfy"d at Mrs. Cole"s house, where Louisa and Emily still continu"d in the old way; and by great favourite Harriet used often to come and see me, and entertain me, with her head and heart full of the happiness she enjoy"d with her dear baronet, whom she loved with tenderness, and constancy, even though he was her keeper, and what is yet more, had made her inde- pendent, by a handsome provision for her and hers. I was then in this vacancy from any regular employ of my person, in my way of business, when one day, Mrs. Cole, in the course of the constant confidence we lived in, acquainted me that there was one Mr. Barville, who used her house, just come to town, whom she was not a little perplex"d about providing a suit- able companion for; which was indeed a point of difficulty, as he was under the tyranny of a cruel taste: that of an ardent desire, not only of being unmercifully whipp"d him- self, but of whipping others, in such sort, that tho" he paid extravagantly those who had the courage and complaisance to submit to his humour, there were few, delicate as he was in the choice of his subjects, who would exchange turns with him so terrible at the expense of their skin. But, what yet in- creased the oddity of this strange fancy was the gentleman being young; whereas it generally attacks, it seems, such as are, through age, obliged to have recourse to this experi- ment, for quickening the circulation of their sluggish juices, and determining a conflux of the spirits of pleasure towards those flagging, shrivelly parts, that rise to life only by virtue of those t.i.tillating ardours created by the discipline of their opposites, with which they have so sur- prising a consent.
This Mrs. Cole could not well acquaint me with, in any expectation of my offering my service: for, sufficiently easy as I was in my circ.u.mstances, it must have been the tempta- tion of an immense interest indeed that could have induced me to embrace such a job; neither had I ever express"d, nor in- deed felt, the least impulse or curiosity to know more of a taste that promis"d so much more pain than pleasure to those that stood in no need of such violent goads: what then should move me to subscribe myself voluntarily to a party of pain, foreknowing it such? Why, to tell the plain truth, it was a sudden caprice, a gust of fancy for trying a new experiment, mix"d with the vanity of proving my personal courage to Mrs.
Cole, that determined me, at all risks, to propose myself to her, and relieve her from any farther lookout. Accordingly, I at once pleas"d and surpris"d her with a frank and unre- served tender of my person to her, and her friend"s absolute disposal on this occasion.
My good temporal mother was, however, so kind as to use all the arguments she could imagine to dissuade me: but, as I found they only turn"d on a motive of tnederness to me, I persisted in my resolution, and thereby acquitted my offer of any suspicion of its not having been sincerely made, or out of compliment only. Acquiescing then thankfully in it, Mrs.
Cole a.s.sur"d me that bating the pain I should be put to, she had no scruple to engage me to this party, which she a.s.sur"d me I should be liberally paid for, and which, the secrecy of the transaction preserved safe from the ridicule that other- wise vulgarly attended it; that for her part, she considered pleasure, of one sort or other, as the universal port of destination, and every wind that blew thither a good one, provided it blew n.o.body any harm; that she rather compas- sionated, than blam"d, those unhappy persons who are under a subjection they cannot shake off, to those arbitrary tastes that rule their appet.i.tes of pleasures with an unaccountable control: tastes, too, as infinitely deversify"d, as superior to, and independent of, all reasoning as the different re- lishes or palates of mankind in their viands, some delicate stomachs nauseating plain meats, and finding no savour but in high-seasoned, luxurious dishes, whilst others again pique themselves upon detesting them.
I stood now in no need of this preamble of encourage- ment, of justification: my word was given, and I was deter- min"d to fulfil my engagements. Accordingly the night was set, and I had all the necessary previous instructions how to act and conduct myself. The dining-room was duly prepared and lighted up, and the young gentleman posted there in wait- ing, for my introduction to him.
I was then, by Mrs. Cole, brought in, and presented to him, in a loose dishabille fitted, by her direction, to the exercise I was to go through, all in the finest linen and a thorough white uniform: gown, petticoat, stockings, and satin slippers, like a victim led to sacrifice; whilst my dark auburn hair, falling in drop-curls over my neck, created a pleasing distinction of colour from the rest of my dress.
As soon as Mr. Barville saw me, he got up, with a visi- ble air of pleasure and surprize, and saluting me, asked Mrs.
Cole if it was possible that so fine and delicate a creature would voluntarily submit to such sufferings and rigours as were the subject of his a.s.signation. She answer"d him pro- perly, and now, reading in his eyes that she could not too soon leave us together, she went out, after recommending to him to use moderation with so tender a novice.
But whilst she was employing his attention, mine had been taken up with examining the figure and person of this unhappy young gentleman, who was thus unaccountably condemn"d to have his pleasure lashed into him, as boys have their learning.
He was exceedingly fair, and smooth complexion"d, and appeared to me no more than twenty at most, tho" he was three years older than what my conjectures gave him; but then he ow"d this favourable mistake to a habit of fatness, which spread through a short, squab stature, and a round, plump, fresh-coloured face gave him greatly the look of a Bacchus, had not an air of austerity, not to say sternness, very un- suitable even to his shape of face, dash"d that character of joy, necessary to complete the resemblance. His dress was extremely neat, but plain, and far inferior to the ample for- tune he was in full possession of; this too was a taste in him, and not avarice.
As soon as Mrs. Cole was gone, he seated me near him, when now his face changed upon me into an expression of the most pleasing sweetness and good humour, the more remarkable for its sudden shift from the other extreme, which, I found afterwards, when I knew more of his character, was owing to a habitual state of conflict with, and dislike of himself, for being enslaved to so peculiar a gust, by the fatality of a const.i.tutional ascendant, that render"d him incapable of receiving any pleasure till he submitted to these extraordi- nary means of procuring it at the hands of pain, whilst the constancy of this repining consciousness stamp"d at length that cast of sourness and severity on his features: which was, in fact, very foreign to the natural sweetness of his temper.
After a competent preparation by apologies, and en- couragement to go through my part with spirit and constancy, he stood up near the fire, whilst I went to fetch the in- struments of discipline out of a closet hard by: these were several rods, made each of two or three strong twigs of birch tied together, which he took, handled, and view"d with as much pleasure, as I did with a kind of shuddering presage.
Next we took from the side of the room a long broad bench, made easy to lie at length on by a soft cushion in a callico-cover; and every thing being now ready, he took his coat and waistcoat off; and at his motion and desire, I un- b.u.t.ton"d his breeches, and rolling up his shirt rather above his waist, tuck"d it in securely there: when directing natur- ally my eyes to that humoursome master-movement, in whose favour all these dispositions were making, it seemed almost shrunk into his body, scarce shewing its tip above the sprout of hairy curls that cloathed those parts, as you may have seen a wren peep its head out of the gra.s.s.
Stooping then to untie his garters, he gave them me for the use of tying him down to the legs of the bench: a cir- c.u.mstance no farther necessary than, as I suppose, it made part of the humour of the thing, since he prescribed it to himself, amongst the rest of the ceremonial.
I led him then to the bench, and according to my cue, play"d at forcing him to lie down: which, after some little shew of reluctance, for form-sake, he submitted to; he was straightway extended flat upon his belly, on the bench, with a pillow under his face; and as he thus tamely lay, I tied him slightly hand and foot, to the legs of it; which done, his shirt remaining truss"d up over the small of his back, I drew his breeches quite down to his knees; and now he lay, in all the fairest, broadest display of that part of the back-view; in which a pair of chubby, smooth-cheek"d and pa.s.sing white posteriours rose cushioning upwards from two stout, fleshful thighs, and ending their cleft, or separa- tion by an union at the small of the back, presented a bold mark, that swell"d, as it were, to meet the scourge.
Seizing now one of the rods, I stood over him, and according to his direction, gave him in one breath, ten lashes with much good-will, and the utmost nerve and vigour of arm that I could put to them, so as to make those fleshy orbs quiver again under them; whilst he himself seem"d no more concern"d, or to mind them, than a lobster would a flea- bite. In the mean time, I viewed intently the effects of them, which to me at least appear"d surprisingly cruel: every lash had skimmed the surface of those white cliffs, which they deeply reddened, and lapping round the side of the fur- thermost from me, cut specially, into the dimple of it such livid weals, as the blood either spun out from, or stood in large drops on; and, from some of the cuts, I picked out even the splinters of the rod that had stuck in the skin. Nor was this raw work to be wonder"d at, considering the greenness of the twigs and the severity of the infliction, whilst the whole surface of his skin was so smooth-stretched over the hard and firm pulp of flesh that fill"d it, as to yield no play, or elusive swagging under the stroke: which thereby took place the more plum, and cut into the quick.
I was however already so mov"d at the piteous sight, that I from my heart repented the undertaking, and would willingly have given over, thinking he had full enough; but, he encouraging and beseeching me earnestly to proceed, I gave him ten more lashes; and then resting, survey"d the increase of b.l.o.o.d.y appearances. And at length, steel"d to the sight by his stoutness in suffering, I continued the discipline, by intervals, till I observ"d him wreathing and twisting his body, in a way that I could plainly perceive was not the effect of pain, but of some new and powerful sensation: curi- ous to dive into the meaning of which, in one of my pauses of intermission, I approached, as he still kept working, and grinding his belly against the cushion under him; and, first stroking the untouched and unhurt side of the flesh-mount next me, then softly insinuating my hand under his thigh, felt the posture things were in forwards, which was indeed surprizing: for that machine of his, which I had, by its ap- pearance, taken for an impalpable, or at best a very diminu- tive subject, was now, in virtue of all that smart and havoc of his skin behind, grown not only to a prodigious stiffness of erection, but to a size that frighted even me: a non- pareil thickness indeed! the head of it alone fill"d the ut- most capacity of my grasp. And when, as he heav"d and wrig- gled to and fro, in the agitation of his strange pleasure, it came into view, it had something of the air of a round fillet of the whitest veal, and like its owner, squab, and short in proportion to its breadth; but when he felt my hand there, he begg"d I would go on briskly with my jerking, or he should never arrive at the last stage of pleasure.
Resuming then the rod and the exercise of it, I had fairly worn out three bundles, when, after an increase of struggles and motion, and a deep sigh or two, I saw him lie still and motionless; and now he desir"d me to desist, which I instantly did; and proceeding to untie him, I could not but be amazed at his pa.s.sive fort.i.tude, on viewing the skin of his butcher"d, mangled posteriours, late so white, smooth and polish"d, now all one side of them a confused cut-work of weals, livid flesh, gashes and gore, insomuch that when he stood up, he could scarce walk; in short, he was in sweet- briars.
Then I plainly perceived, on the cushion, the marks of a plenteous effusion, and already had his sluggard member run up to its old nestling-place, and enforced itself again, as if ashamed to shew its head; which nothing, it seems, could raise but stripes inflicted on its opposite neighbours, who were thus constantly obliged to suffer for his caprice.
Part 9
My gentleman had now put on his clothes and recomposed himself, when giving me a kiss, and placing me by him, he sat himself down as gingerly as possible, with one side off the cushion, which was too sore for him to bear resting any part of his weight on.
Here he thank"d me for the extreme pleasure I had pro- cured him, and seeing, perhaps, some marks in my countenance of terror and apprehension of retaliation on my own skin, for what I had been the instrument of his suffering in his, he a.s.sured me, that he was ready to give up to me any engagement I might deem myself under to stand him, as he had done me, but if that proceeded in my consent to it, he would consider the difference of my s.e.x, its greater delicacy and incapacity to undergo pain. Rehearten"d at which, and piqu"d in honour, as I thought, not to flinch so near the trial, especially as I well knew Mrs. Cole was an eye-witness, from her stand of espial, to the whole of our transactions, I was now less afraid of my skin than of his not furnishing me with an oppor- tunity of signalizing my resolution.
Consonant to this disposition was my answer, but my courage was still more in my head, than in my heart; and as cowards rush into the danger they fear, in order to be the sooner rid of the pain of that sensation, I was entirely pleas"d with his hastening matters into execution.