Charles, however, thus returned to my longing arms, tender, faithful, and in health, was already a blessing too mighty for my conception: but Charles in distress! . . .
Charles reduc"d, and broken down to his naked personal merit, was such a circ.u.mstance, in favour of the sentiments I had for him, as exceeded my utmost desires; and accordingly I seemed so visibly charm"d, so out of time and measure pleas"d at his mention of his ruin"d fortune, that he could account for it no way, but that the joy of seeing him again had swal- low"d up every other sense, or concern.
In the mean time, my woman had taken all possible care of Charles"s travelling companion; and as supper was coming in, he was introduc"d to me, when I receiv"d him as became my regard for all of Charles"s acquaintance or friends.
We four then supp"d together, in the style of joy, con- gratulation, and pleasing disorder that you may guess. For my part, though all these agitations had left me not the least stomach but for that uncloying feast, the sight of my ador"d youth, I endeavour"d to force it, by way of example for him, who I conjectur"d must want such a recruit after riding; and, indeed, he ate like a traveller, but gaz"d at, and addressed me all the time like a lover.
After the cloth was taken away, and the hour of repose came on, Charles and I were, without further ceremony, in quality of man and wife, shewn up together to a very handsome apartment, and, all in course, the bed, they said, the best in the inn.
And here, Decency, forgive me! if once more I violate thy laws and keeping the curtains undrawn, sacrifice thee for the last time to that confidence, without reserve, with which I engaged to recount to you the most striking circ.u.mstances of my youthful disorders.
As soon, then, as we were in the room together, left to ourselves, the sight of the bed starting the remembrance of our first joys, and the thought of my being instantly to share it with the dear possessor of my virgin heart, mov"d me so strongly, that it was well I lean"d upon him, or I must have fainted again under the overpowering sweet alarm.
Charles saw into my confusion, and forgot his own, that was scarce less, to apply himself to the removal of mine.
But now the true refining pa.s.sion had regain"d thorough possession of me, with all its train of symptoms: a sweet sensibility, a tender timidity, love-sick yearnings temper"d with diffidence and modesty, all held me in a subjection of soul, incomparably dearer to me than the liberty of heart which I had been long, too long! the mistress of, in the course of those grosser gallantries, the consciousness of which now made me sigh with a virtuous confusion and regret.
No real virgin, in view of the nuptial bed, could give more bashful blushes to unblemish"d innocence than I did to a sense of guilt; and indeed I lov"d Charles too truly not to feel severely that I did not deserve him.
As I kept hesitating and disconcerted under this soft distraction, Charles, with a fond impatience, took the pains to undress me; and all I can remember amidst the flutter and discomposure of my senses was some flattering exclamations of joy and admiration, more specially at the feel of my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, now set at liberty form my stays, and which panting and ris- ing in tumultuous throbs, swell"d upon his dear touch, and gave it the welcome pleasure of finding them well form"d, and unfail"d in firmness.
I was soon laid in bed, and scarce languish"d an instant for the darling partner of it, before he was undress"d and got between the sheets, with his arms clasp"d round me, giv- ing and taking, with gust inexpressible, a kiss of welcome, that my heart rising to my lips stamp"d with its warmest impression, concurring to by bliss, with that delicate and voluptuous emotion which Charles alone had the secret to excite, and which const.i.tutes the very life, the essence of pleasure.
Meanwhile, two candles lighted on a side-table near us, and a joyous wood-fire, threw a light into the bed that took from one sense, of great importance to our joys, all pretext for complaining of its being shut out of its share of them; and indeed, the sight of my idolized youth was alone, from the ardour with which I had wished for it, without other cir- c.u.mstance, a pleasure to die of.
But as action was now a necessity to desires so much on edge as ours, Charles, after a very short prelusive dalliance, lifting up my linen and his own, laid the broad treasures of his manly chest close to my bosom, both beating with the tenderest alarms: when now, the sense of his glowing body, in naked touch with mine, took all power over my thoughts out of my own disposal, and deliver"d up every faculty of the soul to the sensiblest of joys, that affecting me infinitely more with my distinction of the person than of the s.e.x, now brought my conscious heart deliciously into play: my heart, which eternally constant to Charles, had never taken any part in my occasional sacrifices to the calls of const.i.tution, complaisance, or interest. But ah! what became of me, when as the powers of solid pleasure thickened upon me, I could not help feeling the stiff stake that had been adorn"d with the trophies of my despoil"d virginity, bearing hard and inflexible against one of my thighs, which I had not yet opened, from a true principle of modesty, reviv"d by a pas- sion too sincere to suffer any aiming at the false merit of difficulty, or my putting on an impertinent mock coyness.
I have, I believe, somewhere before remark"d, that the feel of that favourite piece of manhood has, in the very na- ture of it, something inimitably pathetic. Nothing can be dearer to the touch, nor can affect it with a more delicious sensation. Think then! as a love thinks, what must be the consummate transport of that quickest of our senses, in their central seat too! when, after so long a deprival, it felt itself re-inflam"d under the pressure of that peculiar scep- ter-member which commands us all: but especially my darling, elect from the face of the whole earth. And now, at its mightiest point of stiffness, it felt to me something so subduing, so active, so solid and agreeable, that I know not what name to give its singular impression: but the sentiment of consciousness of its belonging to my supremely beloved youth, gave me so pleasing an agitation, and work"d so strongly on my soul, that it sent all its sensitive spirits to that organ of bliss in me, dedicated to its reception.
There, concentreing to a point, like rays in a burning gla.s.s, they glow"d, they burnt with the intensest heat; the springs of pleasure were, in short, wound up to such a pitch, I panted now, with so exquisitely keen an appet.i.te for the emi- nent enjoyment that I was even sick with desire, and unequal to support the combination of two distinct ideas, that de- lightfully distracted me: for all the thought I was capable of, was that I was now in touch, at once, with the instrument of pleasure, and the great-seal of love. Ideas that, ming- ling streams, pour"d such an ocean of intoxicating bliss on a weak vessel, all too narrow to contain it, that I lay over- whelm"d, absorbed, lost in an abyss of joy, and dying of nothing but immoderate delight.
Charles then rous"d me somewhat out of this extatic dis- traction with a complaint softly murmured, amidst a crowd of kisses, at the position, not so favourable to his desires, in which I receiv"d his urgent insistance for admission, where that insistance was alone so engrossing a pleasure that it made me inconsistently suffer a much dearer one to be kept out; but how sweet to correct such a mistake! My thighs, now obedient ot the intimations of love and nature, gladly dis- close, and with a ready submission, resign up the soft gate- way to the entrance of pleasure: I see, I feel the delicious velvet tip! . . . he enters me might and main, with . . . oh!
my pen drops from me here in the extasy now present to my faithful memory! Description too deserts me, and delivers over a task, above its strength of wing, to the imagination: but it must be an imagination exalted by such a flame as mine that can do justice to that sweetest, n.o.blest of all sensa- tions, that hailed and accompany"d the stiff insinuation all the way up, till it was at the end of its penetration, send- ing up, through my eyes, the sparks of the love-fire that ran all over me and blaz"d in every vein and every pore of me: a system incarnate of joy all over.
I had now totally taken in love"s true arrow from the point up to the feather, in that part, where making now new wound, the lips of the original one of nature, which had owed its first breathing to this dear instrument, clung, as if sensible of grat.i.tude, in eager suction round it, whilst all its inwards embrac"d it tenderly with a warmth of gust, a compressive energy, that gave it, in its way, the hearti- est welcome in nature; every fibre there gathering tight round it, and straining ambitiously to come in for its share of the blissful touch.
As we were giving them a few moments of pause to the delectation of the senses, in dwelling with the highest relish on this intimatest point of re-union, and chewing the cud of enjoyment, the impatience natural to the pleasure soon drove us into action. Then began the driving tumult on his side, and the responsive heaves on mine, which kept me up to him; whilst, as our joys grew too great for utterance, the organs of our voices, voluptuously intermixing, became organs of the touch . . . and oh, that touch! how delicious! . . .
how poignantly luscious! . . . And now! now I felt to the heart of me! I felt the prodigious keen edge with which love, presiding over this act, points the pleasure: love! that may be styled the Attic salt of enjoyment; and indeed, without it, the joy, great as it is, is still a vulgar one, whether in a king or a beggar; for it is, undoubtedly, love alone that refines, enn.o.bles and exalts it.
Thus happy, then, by the heart, happy by the senses, it was beyond all power, even of thought, to form the conception of a greater delight than what I was now consummating the fruition of.
Charles, whose whole frame was convulsed with the agita- tion of his rapture, whilst the tenderest fires trembled in his eyes, all a.s.sured me of a prefect concord of joy, pene- trated me so profoundly, touch"d me so vitally, took me so much out of my own possession, whilst he seem"d himself so much in mine, that in a delicious enthusiasm, I imagin"d such a transfusion of heart and spirit, as that coalescing, and making one body and soul with him, I was he, and he, me.
But all this pleasure tending, like life from its first instants, towards its own dissolution, liv"d too fast not to bring on upon the spur its delicious moment of mortality; for presently the approach of the tender agony discover"d itself by its usual signals, that were quickly follow"d by my dear love"s emanation of himself that spun our, and shot, feel- ingly indeed! up the ravish"d in-draught: where the sweetly soothing balmy t.i.tillation opened all the juices of joy on my side, which extatically in flow, help"d to allay the prurient glow, and drown"d our pleasure for a while. Soon, however, to be on float again! For Charles, true to nature"s laws, in one breath expiring and ejaculating, languish"d not long in the dissolving trance, but recovering spirit again, soon gave me to feel that the true-mettle springs of his instrument of pleasure were, by love, and perhaps by a long vacation, wound up too high to be let down by a single explosion: his stiff- ness still stood my friend. Resuming then the action afresh, without dislodging, or giving me the trouble of parting from my sweet tenant, we play"d over again the same opera, with the same delightful harmony and concert: our ardours, like our love, knew no remission; and, all as the tide serv"d my lover, lavish of his stores, and pleasure milked, over-flowed me once more from the fulness of his oval reservoirs of the genial emulsion: whilst, on my side, a convulsive grasp, in the instant of my giving down the liquid contribution, ren- der"d me sweetly subservient at once to the increase of his joy, and of its effusions: moving me so, as to make me exert all those springs of the compressive exsuction with which the sensitive mechanism of that part thirstily draws and drains the nipple of Love; with much such an instinctive eagerness and attachment as, to compare great with less, kind nature engages infants at the breast by the pleasure they find in the motion of their little mouths and cheeks, to extract the milky stream prepar"d for their nourishment.
But still there was no end of his vigour: this double discharge had so far from extinguish"d his desires, for that time, that it had not even calm"d them; and at his age, de- sires are power. He was proceeding then amazingly to push it to a third triumph, still without uncasing, if a tenderness, natural to true love, had not inspir"d me with self-denial enough to spare, and not overstrain him: and accordingly, entreating him to give himself and me quarter, I obtain"d, at length, a short suspension of arms, but not before he had exultingly satisfy"d me that he gave out standing.
The remainder of the night, with what we borrow"d upon the day, we employ"d with unweary"d fervour in celebrating thus the festival of our re-meeting; and got up pretty late in the morning, gay, brisk and alert, though rest had been a stranger to us: but the pleasures of love had been to us, what the joy of victory is to an army; repose, refreshment, everything.
The journey into the country being now entirely out of the question, and orders having been given over-night for turning the horses" heads towards London, we left the inn as soon as we had breakfasted, not without a liberal distribu- tion of the tokens of my grateful sense of the happiness I had met with in it.
Charles and I were in my coach; the captain and my com- panion in a chaise hir"d purposely for them, to leave us the conveniency of a tete-a-tete.
Here, on the road, as the tumult of my senses was toler- ably compos"d, I had command enough to head to break properly to him the course of life that the consequence of my separa- tion from him had driven me into: which, at the same time that he tenderly deplor"d with me, he was the less shocked at; as, on reflecting how he had left me circ.u.mstanc"d, he could not be entirely unprepar"d for it.
But when I opened the state of my fortune to him, and with that sincerity which, from me to him, was so much a nature in me, I begg"d of him his acceptance of it, on his own terms. I should appear to you perhaps too partial to my pa.s.sion, were I to attempt the doing his delicacy justice.
I shall content myself then with a.s.suring you, that after his flatly refusing the unreserv"d, unconditional donation that I long persecuted him in vain to accept, it was at length, in obedience to his serious commands (for I stood out unaffectedly, till he exerted the sovereign authority which love had given him over me), that I yielded my consent to waive the remonstrance I did not fail of making strongly to him, against his degrading himself, and incurring the reflection, however unjust, of having, for respects of for- tune, barter"d his honour for infamy and prost.i.tution, in making one his wife, who thought herself too much honour"d in being but his mistress.
The plea of love then over-ruling all objections, Charles, entirely won with the merit of my sentiments for him, which he could not but read the sincerity of in a heart ever open to him, oblig"d me to receive his hand, by which means I was in pa.s.s, among other innumerable blessings, to bestow a legal parentage on those fine children you have seen by this happiest of matches.
Thus at length, I got snug into port, where, in the bosom of virtue, I gather"d the only uncorrupt sweets: where, looking back on the course of vice I had run, and comparing its infamous blandishments with the infinitely superior joys of innocence, I could not help pitying, even in point of taste, those who, immers"d in gross sensuality, are insen- sible to the so delicate charms of VIRTUE, than which even PLEASURE has not a greater friend, nor than VICE a greater enemy. Thus temperance makes men lords over those pleasures that intemperance enslaves them to: the one, parent of health, vigour, fertility, cheerfulness, and every other desirable good of life; the other, of diseases, debility, barrenness, self-loathing, with only every evil incident to human nature.
You laugh, perhaps, at this tail-piece of morality, ex- tracted from me by the force of truth, resulting from com- par"d experiences: you think it, no doubt, out of place, out of character; possibly too you may look on it as the paltry finesse of one who seeks to mask a devotee to Vice under a rag of a veil, impudently smuggled from the shrine of Virtue: just as if one was to fancy one"s self compleatly disguised at a masquerade, with no other change of dress than turning one"s shoes into slippers; or, as if a writer should think to shield a treasonable libel, by concluding it with a formal prayer for the King. But, independent of my flattering my- self that you have a juster opinion of my sense and sincerity, give me leave to represent to you, that such a supposition is even more injurious to Virtue than to me: since, consistently with candour and good-nature, it can have no foundation but in the falsest of fears, that its pleasures cannot stand in comparison with those of Vice; but let truth dare to hold it up in its most alluring light: then mark, how spurious, how low of taste, how comparatively inferior its joys are to those which Virtue gives sanction to, and whose sentiments are not above making even a sauce for the senses, but a sauce of the highest relish; whilst Vices are the harpies that infect and foul the feast. The paths of Vice are sometimes strew"d with roses, but then they are for ever infamous for many a thorn, for many a canker-worm: those of Virtue are strew"d with roses purely, and those eternally unfading ones.
If you do me then justice, you will esteem me perfectly consistent in the incense I burn to Virtue. If I have painted Vice in all its gayest colours, if I have deck"d it with flow- ers, it has been solely in order to make the worthier, the solemner sacrifice of it, to Virtue.
You know Mr. C*** O***, you know his estate, his worth, and good sense: can you, will you p.r.o.nounce it ill meant, at least of him, when anxious for his son"s morals, with a view to form him to virtue, and inspire him with a fix"d, a rational contempt for vice, he condescended to be his master of the ceremonies, and led him by the hand thro" the most noted bawdy-houses in town, where he took care he should be familiarized with all those scenes of debauchery, so fit to nauseate a good taste? The experiment, you will cry, is dangerous. True, on a fool: but are fools worth so much attention?
I shall see you soon, and in the mean time think candidly of me, and believe me ever, MADAM,.
Yours, etc., etc., etc.,
THE END.