"February 16, 1893. California occupied by the Christians."
The Compa.s.sionate Physician
A Kind-Hearted Physician sitting at the bedside of a patient afflicted with an incurable and painful disease, heard a noise behind him, and turning saw a cat laughing at the feeble efforts of a wounded mouse to drag itself out of the room.
"You cruel beast!" cried he. "Why don"t you kill it at once, like a lady?"
Rising, he kicked the cat out of the door, and picking up the mouse compa.s.sionately put it out of its misery by pulling off its head.
Recalled to the bedside by the moans of his patient, the Kind-hearted Physician administered a stimulant, a tonic, and a nutrient, and went away.
Two of the d.a.m.ned
Two Blighted Beings, haggard, lachrymose, and detested, met on a blasted heath in the light of a struggling moon.
"I wish you a merry Christmas," said the First Blighted Being, in a voice like that of a singing tomb.
"And I you a happy New Year," responded the Second Blighted Being, with the accent of a penitent accordeon.
They then fell upon each other"s neck and wept scalding rills down each other"s spine in token of their banishment to the Realm of Ineffable Bosh. For one of these accursed creatures was the First of January, and the other the Twenty-fifth of December.
The Austere Governor
A Governor visiting a State prison was implored by a Convict to pardon him.
"What are you in for?" asked the Governor.
"I held a high office," the Convict humbly replied, "and sold subordinate appointments."
"Then I decline to interfere," said the Governor, with asperity; "a man who abuses his office by making it serve a private end and purvey a personal advantage is unfit to be free. By the way, Mr. Warden," he added to that official, as the Convict slunk away, "in appointing you to this position, I was given to understand that your friends could make the Shikane county delegation to the next State convention solid for--for the present Administration. Was I rightly informed?"
"You were, sir."
"Very well, then, I will bid you good-day. Please be so good as to appoint my nephew Night Chaplain and Reminder of Mothers and Sisters."
Religions of Error
Hearing a sound of strife, a Christian in the Orient asked his Dragoman the cause of it.
"The Buddhists are cutting Mohammedan throats," the Dragoman replied, with oriental composure.
"I did not know," remarked the Christian, with scientific interest, "that that would make so much noise."
"The Mohammedans are cutting Buddhist throats, too," added the Dragoman.
"It is astonishing," mused the Christian, "how violent and how general are religious animosities. Everywhere in the world the devotees of each local faith abhor the devotees of every other, and abstain from murder only so long as they dare not commit it. And the strangest thing about it is that all religions are erroneous and mischievous excepting mine.
Mine, thank G.o.d, is true and benign."
So saying he visibly smugged and went off to telegraph for a brigade of cutthroats to protect Christian interests.
The Penitent Elector
A Person belonging to the Society for Pa.s.sing Resolutions of Respect for the Memory of Deceased Members having died received the customary attention.
"Good Heavens!" exclaimed a Sovereign Elector, on hearing the resolutions read, "what a loss to the nation! And to think that I once voted against that angel for Inspector of Gate-latches in Public Squares!"
In remorse the Sovereign Elector deprived himself of political influence by learning to read.
The Tail of the Sphinx
A Dog of a taciturn disposition said to his Tail:
"Whenever I am angry, you rise and bristle; when I am pleased, you wag; when I am alarmed, you tuck yourself in out of danger. You are too mercurial--you disclose all my emotions. My notion is that tails are given to conceal thought. It is my dearest ambition to be as impa.s.sive as the Sphinx."
"My friend, you must recognise the laws and limitations of your being,"
replied the Tail, with flexions appropriate to the sentiments uttered, "and try to be great some other way. The Sphinx has one hundred and fifty qualifications for impa.s.siveness which you lack."
"What are they?" the Dog asked.
"One hundred and forty-nine tons of sand on her tail."
"And--?"
"A stone tail."