The Mine Owner and the Jacka.s.s
While the Owner of a Silver Mine was on his way to attend a convention of his species he was accosted by a Jacka.s.s, who said:
"By an unjust discrimination against quadrupeds I am made ineligible to a seat in your convention; so I am compelled to seek representation through you."
"It will give me great pleasure, sir," said the Owner of a Silver Mine, "to serve one so closely allied to me in--in--well, you know," he added, with a significant gesture of his two hands upward from the sides of his head. "What do you want?"
"Oh, nothing--nothing at all for myself individually," replied the Donkey; "but his country"s welfare should be a patriot"s supreme care. If Americans are to retain the sacred liberties for which their fathers strove, Congress must declare our independence of European dictation by maintaining the price of mules."
The Dog and the Physician
A Dog that had seen a Physician attending the burial of a wealthy patient, said: "When do you expect to dig it up?"
"Why should I dig it up?" the Physician asked.
"When I bury a bone," said the Dog, "it is with an intention to uncover it later and pick it."
"The bones that I bury," said the Physician, "are those that I can no longer pick."
The Party Manager and the Gentleman
A Party Manager said to a Gentleman whom he saw minding his own business:
"How much will you pay for a nomination to office?"
"Nothing," the Gentleman replied.
"But you will contribute something to the campaign fund to a.s.sist in your election, will you not?" asked the Party Manager, winking.
"Oh, no," said the Gentleman, gravely. "If the people wish me to work for them, they must hire me without solicitation. I am very comfortable without office."
"But," urged the Party Manager, "an election is a thing to be desired. It is a high honour to be a servant of the people."
"If servitude is a high honour," the Gentleman said, "it would be indecent for me to seek it; and if obtained by my own exertion it would be no honour."
"Well," persisted the Party Manager, "you will at least, I hope, indorse the party platform."
The Gentleman replied: "It is improbable that its authors have accurately expressed my views without consulting me; and if I indorsed their work without approving it I should be a liar."
"You are a detestable hypocrite and an idiot!" shouted the Party Manager.
"Even your good opinion of my fitness," replied the Gentleman, "shall not persuade me."
The Legislator and the Citizen
An ex-Legislator asked a Most Respectable Citizen for a letter to the Governor recommending him for appointment as Commissioner of Shrimps and Crabs.
"Sir," said the Most Respectable Citizen, austerely, "were you not once in the State Senate?"
"Not so bad as that, sir, I a.s.sure you," was the reply. "I was a member of the Slower House. I was expelled for selling my influence for money."
"And you dare to ask for mine!" shouted the Most Respectable Citizen.
"You have the impudence? A man who will accept bribes will probably offer them. Do you mean to--"
"I should not think of making a corrupt proposal to you, sir; but if I were Commissioner of Shrimps and Crabs, I might have some influence with the water-front population, and be able to help you make your fight for Coroner."
"In that case I do not feel justified in denying you the letter."
So he took his pen, and, some demon guiding his hand, he wrote, greatly to his astonishment:
"Who sells his influence should stop it, An honest man will only swap it."
The Rainmaker
An Officer of the Government, with a great outfit of mule-waggons loaded with balloons, kites, dynamite bombs, and electrical apparatus, halted in the midst of a desert, where there had been no rain for ten years, and set up a camp. After several months of preparation and an expenditure of a million dollars all was in readiness, and a series of tremendous explosions occurred on the earth and in the sky. This was followed by a great down-pour of rain, which washed the unfortunate Officer of the Government and the outfit off the face of creation and affected the agricultural heart with joy too deep for utterance. A Newspaper Reporter who had just arrived escaped by climbing a hill near by, and there he found the Sole Survivor of the expedition--a mule-driver--down on his knees behind a mesquite bush, praying with extreme fervour.
"Oh, you can"t stop it that way," said the Reporter.
"My fellow-traveller to the bar of G.o.d," replied the Sole Survivor, looking up over his shoulder, "your understanding is in darkness. I am not stopping this great blessing; under Providence, I am bringing it."
"That is a pretty good joke," said the Reporter, laughing as well as he could in the strangling rain--"a mule driver"s prayer answered!"
"Child of levity and scoffing," replied the other; "you err again, misled by these humble habiliments. I am the Rev. Ezekiel Thrifft, a minister of the gospel, now in the service of the great manufacturing firm of Skinn & Sheer. They make balloons, kites, dynamite bombs, and electrical apparatus."
The Citizen and the Snakes