"Sir," replied the Naturalist, "I need a snakeskin for my collection, but if you had not explained I should not have interrupted you, for I thought you were at dinner."
The Eligible Son-in-Law
A Truly Pious Person who conducted a savings bank and lent money to his sisters and his cousins and his aunts of both s.e.xes, was approached by a Tatterdemalion, who applied for a loan of one hundred thousand dollars.
"What security have you to offer?" asked the Truly Pious Person.
"The best in the world," the applicant replied, confidentially; "I am about to become your son-in-law."
"That would indeed be gilt-edged," said the banker, gravely; "but what claim have you to the hand of my daughter?"
"One that cannot be lightly denied," said the Tatterdemalion. "I am about to become worth one hundred thousand dollars."
Unable to detect a weak point in this scheme of mutual advantage, the financier gave the promoter in disguise an order for the money, and wrote a note to his wife directing her to count out the girl.
The Statesman and the Horse
A Statesman who had saved his country was returning from Washington on foot, when he met a Race Horse going at full speed, and stopped it.
"Turn about and travel the other way," said the Statesman, "and I will keep you company as far as my home. The advantages of travelling together are obvious."
"I cannot do that," said the Race Horse; "I am following my master to Washington. I did not go fast enough to suit him, and he has gone on ahead."
"Who is your master?" inquired the Statesman.
"He is the Statesman who saved his country," answered the Race Horse.
"There appears to be some mistake," the other said. "Why did he wish to travel so fast?"
"So as to be there in time to get the country that he saved."
"I guess he got it," said the other, and limped along, sighing.
An AErophobe
A Celebrated Divine having affirmed the fallibility of the Bible, was asked why, then, he preached the religion founded upon it.
"If it is fallible," he replied, "there is the greater reason that I explain it, lest it mislead."
"Then am I to infer," said his Questioner, "that _you_ are not fallible?"
"You are to infer that I am not pneumophagous."
The Thrift of Strength
A Weak Man going down-hill met a Strong Man going up, and said:
"I take this direction because it requires less exertion, not from choice. I pray you, sir, a.s.sist me to regain the summit."
"Gladly," said the Strong Man, his face illuminated with the glory of his thought. "I have always considered my strength a sacred gift in trust for my fellow-men. I will take you along with me. Just get behind me and push."
The Good Government
"What a happy land you are!" said a Republican Form of Government to a Sovereign State. "Be good enough to lie still while I walk upon you, singing the praises of universal suffrage and descanting upon the blessings of civil and religious liberty. In the meantime you can relieve your feelings by cursing the one-man power and the effete monarchies of Europe."
"My public servants have been fools and rogues from the date of your accession to power," replied the State; "my legislative bodies, both State and munic.i.p.al, are bands of thieves; my taxes are insupportable; my courts are corrupt; my cities are a disgrace to civilisation; my corporations have their hands at the throats of every private interest--all my affairs are in disorder and criminal confusion."
"That is all very true," said the Republican Form of Government, putting on its hobnail shoes; "but consider how I thrill you every Fourth of July."
The Life Saver
An Ancient Maiden, standing on the edge of a wharf near a Modern Swain, was overheard rehearsing the words:
"n.o.ble preserver! The life that you have saved is yours!"
Having repeated them several times with various intonations, she sprang into the water, where she was suffered to drown.
"I am a n.o.ble preserver," said the Modern Swain, thoughtfully moving away; "the life that I have saved is indeed mine."
The Man and the Bird