An Object was walking along the King"s highway wrapped in meditation and with little else on, when he suddenly found himself at the gates of a strange city. On applying for admittance, he was arrested as a necessitator of ordinances, and taken before the King.
"Who are you," said the King, "and what is your business in life?"
"Snouter the Sneak," replied the Object, with ready invention; "pick-pocket."
The King was about to command him to be released when the Prime Minister suggested that the prisoner"s fingers be examined. They were found greatly flattened and calloused at the ends.
"Ha!" cried the King; "I told you so!--he is addicted to counting syllables. This is a poet. Turn him over to the Lord High Dissuader from the Head Habit."
"My liege," said the Inventor-in-Ordinary of Ingenious Penalties, "I venture to suggest a keener affliction.
"Name it," the King said.
"Let him retain that head!"
It was so ordered.
The Noser and the Note
The Head Rifler of an insolvent bank, learning that it was about to be visited by the official Noser into Things, placed his own personal note for a large amount among its resources, and, gaily touching his guitar, awaited the inspection. When the Noser came to the note he asked, "What"s this?"
"That," said the a.s.sistant Pocketer of Deposits, "is one of our liabilities."
"A liability?" exclaimed the Noser. "Nay, nay, an a.s.set. That is what you mean, doubtless."
"Therein you err," the Pocketer explained; "that note was written in the bank with our own pen, ink, and paper, and we have not paid a stationery bill for six months."
"Ah, I see," the Noser said, thoughtfully; "it is a liability. May I ask how you expect to meet it?"
"With fort.i.tude, please G.o.d," answered the a.s.sistant Pocketer, his eyes to Heaven raising--"with fort.i.tude and a firm reliance on the laxity of the law."
"Enough, enough," exclaimed the faithful servant of the State, choking with emotion; "here is a certificate of solvency."
"And here is a bottle of ink," the grateful financier said, slipping it into the other"s pocket; "it is all that we have."
The Cat and the King
A Cat was looking at a King, as permitted by the proverb.
"Well," said the monarch, observing her inspection of the royal person, "how do you like me?"
"I can imagine a King," said the Cat, "whom I should like better."
"For example?"
"The King of the Mice."
The sovereign was so pleased with the wit of the reply that he gave her permission to scratch his Prime Minister"s eyes out.
The Literary Astronomer
The Director of an Observatory, who, with a thirty-six-inch refractor, had discovered the moon, hastened to an Editor, with a four-column account of the event.
"How much?" said the Editor, sententiously, without looking up from his essay on the circularity of the political horizon.
"One hundred and sixty dollars," replied the man who had discovered the moon.
"Not half enough," was the Editor"s comment.
"Generous man!" cried the Astronomer, glowing with warm and elevated sentiments, "pay me, then, what you will."
"Great and good friend," said the Editor, blandly, looking up from his work, "we are far asunder, it seems. The paying is to be done by you."
The Director of the Observatory gathered up the ma.n.u.script and went away, explaining that it needed correction; he had neglected to dot an m.
The Lion and the Rattlesnake
A Man having found a Lion in his path undertook to subdue him by the power of the human eye; and near by was a Rattlesnake engaged in fascinating a small bird.
"How are you getting on, brother?" the Man called out to the other reptile, without removing his eyes from those of the Lion.
"Admirably," replied the serpent. "My success is a.s.sured; my victim draws nearer and nearer in spite of her efforts."
"And mine," said the Man, "draws nearer and nearer in spite of mine. Are you sure it is all right?"
"If you don"t think so," the reptile replied as well as he then could, with his mouth full of bird, "you better give it up."
A half-hour later, the Lion, thoughtfully picking his teeth with his claws, told the Rattlesnake that he had never in all his varied experience in being subdued, seen a subduer try so earnestly to give it up. "But," he added, with a wide, significant smile, "I looked him into countenance."
The Man with No Enemies