An Inoffensive Person walking in a public place was a.s.saulted by a Stranger with a Club, and severely beaten.
When the Stranger with a Club was brought to trial, the complainant said to the Judge:
"I do not know why I was a.s.saulted; I have not an enemy in the world."
"That," said the defendant, "is why I struck him."
"Let the prisoner be discharged," said the Judge; "a man who has no enemies has no friends. The courts are not for such."
The Alderman and the Racc.o.o.n
"I see quite a number of rings on your tail," said an Alderman to a Racc.o.o.n that he met in a zoological garden.
"Yes," replied the Racc.o.o.n, "and I hear quite a number of tales on your ring."
The Alderman, being of a sensitive, retiring disposition, shrank from further comparison, and, strolling to another part of the garden, stole the camel.
The Flying-Machine
An Ingenious Man who had built a flying-machine invited a great concourse of people to see it go up. At the appointed moment, everything being ready, he boarded the car and turned on the power. The machine immediately broke through the ma.s.sive substructure upon which it was builded, and sank out of sight into the earth, the aeronaut springing out barely in time to save himself.
"Well," said he, "I have done enough to demonstrate the correctness of my details. The defects," he added, with a look at the ruined brick-work, "are merely basic and fundamental."
Upon this a.s.surance the people came forward with subscriptions to build a second machine.
The Angel"s Tear
An Unworthy Man who had laughed at the woes of a Woman whom he loved, was bewailing his indiscretion in sack-cloth-of-gold and ashes-of-roses, when the Angel of Compa.s.sion looked down upon him, saying:
"Poor mortal!--how unblest not to know the wickedness of laughing at another"s misfortune!"
So saying, he let fall a great tear, which, encountering in its descent a current of cold air, was congealed into a hail-stone. This struck the Unworthy Man on the head and set him rubbing that bruised organ vigorously with one hand while vainly attempting to expand an umbrella with the other.
Thereat the Angel of Compa.s.sion did most shamelessly and wickedly laugh.
The City of Political Distinction
Jamrach the Rich, being anxious to reach the City of Political Distinction before nightfall, arrived at a fork of the road and was undecided which branch to follow; so he consulted a Wise-Looking Person who sat by the wayside.
"Take _that_ road," said the Wise-Looking Person, pointing it out; "it is known as the Political Highway."
"Thank you," said Jamrach, and was about to proceed.
"About how much do you thank me?" was the reply. "Do you suppose I am here for my health?"
As Jamrach had not become rich by stupidity, he handed something to his guide and hastened on, and soon came to a toll-gate kept by a Benevolent Gentleman, to whom he gave something, and was suffered to pa.s.s. A little farther along he came to a bridge across an imaginary stream, where a Civil Engineer (who had built the bridge) demanded something for interest on his investment, and it was forthcoming. It was growing late when Jamrach came to the margin of what appeared to be a lake of black ink, and there the road terminated. Seeing a Ferryman in his boat he paid something for his pa.s.sage and was about to embark.
"No," said the Ferryman. "Put your neck in this noose, and I will tow you over. It is the only way," he added, seeing that the pa.s.senger was about to complain of the accommodations.
In due time he was dragged across, half strangled, and dreadfully beslubbered by the feculent waters. "There," said the Ferryman, hauling him ash.o.r.e and disengaging him, "you are now in the City of Political Distinction. It has fifty millions of inhabitants, and as the colour of the Filthy Pool does not wash off, they all look exactly alike."
"Alas!" exclaimed Jamrach, weeping and bewailing the loss of all his possessions, paid out in tips and tolls; "I will go back with you."
"I don"t think you will,", said the Ferryman, pushing off; "this city is situated on the Island of the Unreturning."
The Party Over There
A Man in a Hurry, whose watch was at his lawyer"s, asked a Grave Person the time of day.
"I heard you ask that Party Over There the same question," said the Grave Person. "What answer did he give you?"
"He said it was about three o"clock," replied the Man in a Hurry; "but he did not look at his watch, and as the sun is nearly down, I think it is later."
"The fact that the sun is nearly down," the Grave Person said, "is immaterial, but the fact that he did not consult his timepiece and make answer after due deliberation and consideration is fatal. The answer given," continued the Grave Person, consulting his own timepiece, "is of no effect, invalid, and absurd."
"What, then," said the Man in a Hurry, eagerly, "is the time of day?"
"The question is remanded to the Party Over There for a new answer,"
replied the Grave Person, returning his watch to his pocket and moving away with great dignity.
He was a Judge of an Appellate Court.
The Poetess of Reform