The Sagacious Rat
A Rat that was about to emerge from his hole caught a glimpse of a Cat waiting for him, and descending to the colony at the bottom of the hole invited a Friend to join him in a visit to a neighbouring corn-bin. "I would have gone alone," he said, "but could not deny myself the pleasure of such distinguished company."
"Very well," said the Friend, "I will go with you. Lead on."
"Lead?" exclaimed the other. "What! _I_ precede so great and ill.u.s.trious a rat as you? No, indeed--after you, sir, after you."
Pleased with this great show of deference, the Friend went ahead, and, leaving the hole first, was caught by the Cat, who immediately trotted away with him. The other then went out unmolested.
The Member and the Soap
A Member of the Kansas Legislature meeting a Cake of Soap was pa.s.sing it by without recognition, but the Cake of Soap insisted on stopping and shaking hands. Thinking it might possibly be in the enjoyment of the elective franchise, he gave it a cordial and earnest grasp. On letting it go he observed that a portion of it adhered to his fingers, and running to a brook in great alarm he proceeded to wash it off. In doing so he necessarily got some on the other hand, and when he had finished washing, both were so white that he went to bed and sent for a physician.
Alarm and Pride
"Good-Morning, my friend," said Alarm to Pride; "how are you this morning?"
"Very tired," replied Pride, seating himself on a stone by the wayside and mopping his steaming brow. "The politicians are wearing me out by pointing to their dirty records with _me_, when they could as well use a stick."
Alarm sighed sympathetically, and said:
"It is pretty much the same way here. Instead of using an opera-gla.s.s they view the acts of their opponents with _me_!"
As these patient drudges were mingling their tears, they were notified that they must go on duty again, for one of the political parties had nominated a thief and was about to hold a gratification meeting.
A Causeway
A Rich Woman having returned from abroad disembarked at the foot of Knee- deep Street, and was about to walk to her hotel through the mud.
"Madam," said a Policeman, "I cannot permit you to do that; you would soil your shoes and stockings."
"Oh, that is of no importance, really," replied the Rich Woman, with a cheerful smile.
"But, madam, it is needless; from the wharf to the hotel, as you observe, extends an unbroken line of prostrate newspaper men who crave the honour of having you walk upon them."
"In that case," she said, seating herself in a doorway and unlocking her satchel, "I shall have to put on my rubber boots."
Two in Trouble
Meeting a fat and patriotic Statesman on his way to Washington to beseech the President for an office, an idle Tramp accosted him and begged twenty- five cents with which to buy a suit of clothes.
"Melancholy wreck," said the Statesman, "what brought you to this state of degradation? Liquor, I suppose."
"I am temperate to the verge of absurdity," replied the Tramp. "My foible was patriotism; I was ruined by the baneful habit of trying to serve my country. What ruined you?"
"Indolence."
The Witch"s Steed
A Broomstick which had long served a witch as a steed complained of the nature of its employment, which it thought degrading.
"Very well," said the Witch, "I will give you work in which you will be a.s.sociated with intellect--you will come in contact with brains. I shall present you to a housewife."
"What!" said the Broomstick, "do you consider the hands of a housewife intellectual?"
"I referred," said the Witch, "to the head of her good man."
The All Dog
A Lion seeing a Poodle fell into laughter at the ridiculous spectacle.
"Who ever saw so small a beast?" he said.
"It is very true," said the Poodle, with austere dignity, "that I am small; but, sir, I beg to observe that I am all dog."
The Farmer"s Friend
A Great Philanthropist who had thought of himself in connection with the Presidency and had introduced a bill into Congress requiring the Government to loan every voter all the money that he needed, on his personal security, was explaining to a Sunday-school at a railway station how much he had done for the country, when an angel looked down from Heaven and wept.
"For example," said the Great Philanthropist, watching the teardrops pattering in the dust, "these early rains are of incalculable advantage to the farmer."