"But you called it. Found out who it was and talked to him. And Sue, I"ll f.u.c.kin" add."
"Yes, but Noc, once I knew who it was, I could hardly hang up."
"Maybe not but you could also have just said hey, introduced yourself and not f.u.c.kin" brought up your gig with me and the s.h.i.t you"re tryin" to insinuate yourself into."
I bore that blow too and endured.
"I can a.s.sert that you"ve made your feelings clear on this subject, my darling, however I"m uncertain I"ve done the same. There are things that are concerning me."
"I"m gettin" that, seein" as you were totally okay with bringing them up with my dad."
I shook my head and tried to steer us elsewhere.
"He explained to me about Judy, the anniversary, and I understand where both of your thoughts rest on that matter. What I don"t understand is why you didn"t feel open to share yours with me."
"No, what you don"t understand is that I didn"t f.u.c.kin" want to share that s.h.i.t with you."
"I do understand that, Noc," I said quietly. "I just don"t understand why."
"You don"t wanna know why."
"I do."
"No, Franka, you don"t."
I took another step toward him, stopped and stressed, "I want everything from you."
His words were implacable when he replied, "Trust me, you don"t."
"Please Noc."
"Let it go."
I shook my head, took another step and stopped. "I can"t."
"You can. You won"t."
"I see your pain," I whispered.
"Yeah?" he asked, his voice actually snide.
My Noctorno.
Snide.
Regardless of the shock it caused he even had that in him, I persisted.
"You helped me through mine, my love, I want to guide you from yours."
At that, but a brief moment elapsed before he burst into laughter.
Laughter that held no mirth.
My body locked at the foulness of the sound and the odious feelings it made me feel.
When he stopped, my words dripped the ache I felt inside as I remarked, "You don"t think I can do it. You did it for me, but you don"t think I have it in me to do it for you."
I knew just how far he"d drifted from me when he had no reaction to the torment in my words, replying unemotionally, "I see you want that Franka and part of me digs that from you. What I do not dig is that you won"t f.u.c.kin" listen when I tell you this is somewhere you can"t go."
"So you can force me to see my golden soul but you wish me to allow you to live in midnight?" I pushed.
At that, with a sudden violence that was so startling my entire body jumped, and I had to fight cowering when he took his gla.s.s and threw it across the kitchen where it crashed against the cupboards on the opposite wall, the gla.s.s shattering, the whiskey splattering.
And then came the thunder, the force of it making me wince.
"They took me from her dead body," Noc roared.
I stood utterly still.
"She was dead before I took my first f.u.c.kin" breath," he declared.
Oh G.o.ds.
G.o.ds.
He was talking about his mother.
"Darling," I breathed.
"I was born in midnight and it was in the middle of the f.u.c.kin" day I made it into the world," he bit out. "You think you can take that from me?"
"Noc," I whispered, edging toward him.
I stopped when he declared, "She never held me. She was dead before I was alive. Dead to give me life. I"m no doctor. I don"t know the research. I don"t know what infants can feel. All I know is, I was a baby and I knew he loved her. f.u.c.k, Franka, my dad loved her so f.u.c.kin" much, it tells me the man he was that he had the courage to give it another go, three times, because with what I felt from the minute I was born I wouldn"t think the man had that in him, that"s how much he loved her. That"s what I felt. I also felt just what he felt that he lost her. From my first breath, I felt his loss and I felt his love for me and that"s all I felt. And then that loss happened again. And then it f.u.c.king happened again. And I had to f.u.c.king watch."
"My love-"
"You think you can take that from me?" he clipped.
"I-"
"There are no heroes, Franka."
I closed my mouth.
"I know that," he declared. "I learned that. Killed my own f.u.c.kin" mother bein" born and I prayed to G.o.d every d.a.m.ned night Judy was sick, askin" him to let her win. Begging for that s.h.i.t. She fought so f.u.c.kin" hard, she deserved it. But it was more. The woman she was, there"s no reason I could get why she"d be forced to take that pain. Why a woman like her would be taken away from us. I didn"t understand what we"d done to deserve that because she sure as f.u.c.k didn"t do s.h.i.t to deserve it. But she didn"t win. And we had to watch. We had to watch her waste away. We had to see her pain. And there was not one f.u.c.kin" thing any of us could do about it."
He gave me that, shredding me with it.
And then he blasted me with, "You know what makes a hero, babe?"
Slowly, I shook my head.
"What makes a hero is the one that"s left standing when the others are dead. Or the one that gave his life so the others could live. That"s a f.u.c.kin" hero."
Cautiously, I said, "There are other definitions, Noc."
"Those are the ones that matter."
I couldn"t argue that.
"My mother was a hero," he declared.
G.o.ds, he was killing me.
"My love," I whispered.
"The way she fought to stay with us, Judy was a hero too."
Standing in front of him whole, I still felt like I was bleeding.
"That being a hero, Franka, who would want to be a f.u.c.kin" hero?" he demanded.
"You were a wee babe when you were born, darling. You couldn"t have saved your mother."
His head twitched in disgust. "You think that makes it easier?"
I persevered. "And you were still but a boy even if that boy was growing to a man, and certain illnesses can bring low the greatest of warriors, as evidenced through your Judy."
"And you think that makes that easier?"
"What I think is you hold guilt for things that were beyond your control."
"No s.h.i.t?" he asked sarcastically. "Became a cop because I wanted to save the world seein" as I couldn"t save my mom. I couldn"t save Judy. f.u.c.k, I actually helped save a G.o.dd.a.m.ned world. It didn"t help. I could lift a gun and shoot that f.u.c.kin" b.i.t.c.h of a witch and help save countless lives. But I was totally helpless, in Judy"s case forced to sit back and actually watch, completely unable to do f.u.c.k all to save either one of them."
I stared right into his eyes, right into the heart of his anguish, and finally understood.
And what I understood gave me rapture.
"So you hold on to your midnight soul and refuse to let it go."
"It"s got hold of me, Franka, and there"s no way to escape it."
"Good," I whispered.
His chin jerked into his neck and he did one of his slow blinks.
"Midnight is beautiful," I told him. "And it"s at its most beautiful in you."
I watched his body lock.
"Oh but the G.o.ds do so love me," I shared softly. "To give me a man who would allow his soul to be taken over by the darkness of night, for he"s a man who loves so deeply, he lost those who had his love, was cast into the shadows, and he refuses to crawl to the light."
I stopped speaking and Noc said nothing. He just stared at me, and I saw the cords of his throat convulse with his swallow.
Then he dropped his head.
I moved forward quickly.
Getting close, fitting my front to his, I lifted both my hands to his cheeks and peered up at him, bearing the agony in his face, now understanding what he was hiding behind his closed eyes.
And relishing the honor it was to have both.
He stood, not touching me, not speaking.
I stood, holding his beauty in my hands, and I did this silently.
This lasted an eternity.
Then he whispered, "I f.u.c.kin" hate this G.o.dd.a.m.ned anniversary."
Finally.
I had not seen his pain weeks ago simply because I"d had reason to look more closely.
I"d seen his pain because now was the time when it forced itself to the surface.
"You miss her," I whispered back.
He opened his eyes.
I saw the wet gleam and I was honored to have that too.
"Yeah, sweetheart, every f.u.c.kin" day."
I slid my thumb along his cheekbone. "I love you for that."
He closed his eyes, drew breath in through his nose, and when he opened them again, contrition shifted into his gaze.
He lifted one hand to my jaw and returned my gesture. "Been a f.u.c.kin" d.i.c.k."
I shook my head but said, "It"s my joy to take every part of you."
He shook his head in return, his lips twitching. "My Frannie. Should"ve known. She takes the good but she"s always been better at takin" the bad."
"Indeed."
All of a sudden, my arms were forced to circle his shoulders when his hand disappeared from my jaw. He caught me up in a tight embrace and buried his face in my neck.