He walked more slowly than was his wont to-day, but he seemed in equable spirits, and made many exclamations of delight. He said suddenly, "Do you know one of the advantages of growing old? It is that if you have an unpleasant thing ahead of you, instead of shadowing the mind, as it does when you are young, it gives a sort of relish to the intervening time. I can even imagine a man in the condemned cell, till the end gets close, being able to look ahead to the day, when he wakes in the morning--the square meals, the pipe--I believe they allow them to smoke--the talk with the chaplain. It"s always nice to feel it is your duty to talk about yourself, and to explain how it all came about, and why you couldn"t do otherwise. Now I have got to go up to town on some tiresome business at the end of this week, and I"m going to enjoy the days in between."
He stopped and spoke with all his accustomed good humour to half a dozen people whom we met. Then he said to me: "Do you know, my boy, I want to tell you that you have been one of my successes! I did not honestly think you would buckle to as you have done, and I don"t think you are quite as sympathetic as I once feared!" He gave me a smile as he said it, and went on: "You know what I mean--I thought you would reflect people too much, and be too responsive to your companions. And you have been a great comfort to me, I don"t deny it. But I thankfully discern a good hard stone in the middle of all the juiciness, with a tight little kernel inside it--I"ll quote Keats again, and say "a sweet-hearted kernel," Mind, I don"t say you will do great things. You are facile, and you see things very quickly and accurately, and you have a style. But I don"t think you have got the tragic quality or the pa.s.sionate gift. You are too placid and contented--but you spin along, and I think you see something of the reality of things. You will be led forth beside the waters of comfort--you will lack nothing--your cup will be full. But the great work is done by people with large empty cups that take some filling--the people who are given the plenteousness of tears to drink. It"s a bitter draught--you won"t have to drink it. But I think you are on right and happy lines, and you must be content with good work. Anyhow, you will always write like a gentleman, and that"s a good deal to say."
This pleased and touched me very deeply. I began to murmur something. "Oh no," said Father Payne, "you needn"t! A boy at a prize-giving isn"t required to enter into easy talk with the presiding buffer! I have just handed you your prize."
He talked after this lightly of many small things--about Barthrop in particular, and asked me many questions about him. "I am afraid I haven"t allowed him enough initiative," said Father Payne; "that"s a bad habit of mine. But if he had really had it, we should have squabbled--he"s not quite fiery enough, the beloved Barthrop! He"s awfully judicious, but he must have a lead. He"s a submissioner, I"m afraid, as a witty prelate once said!
You know the two sides of the choir, _Decani_ and _Cantoris_ as they are called. _Decani_ always begin the psalms and say the versicles, _Cantoris_ always respond. People are always one or the other, and Barthrop is a born _Cantoris_."
We did not go very far, and he soon proposed to return. But just as we were nearing home, he said, "I think the hardest thing in life to understand--the very hardest of all--is our pleasure in the sense of permanence! It"s the supreme and constant illusion. I can"t think where it comes from, or why it is there, or what it is supposed to do for us. Do you remember," he said with a smile, "how Sh.e.l.ley, the most hopelessly restless of mortals, whenever he settled anywhere, always wrote to his friends that he had established himself _for ever_? It"s the instinct which is most contrary to reason. Everything contradicts it--we are not the same people for five minutes together, nothing that we see or hear or taste continues--and yet we feel eternally and immutably fixed; and instead of living each day as if it was our last--which is a thoroughly bad piece of advice--we live each day as if it was one of an endlessly revolving chain of days, and as if we were going to live to all eternity--as indeed I believe we are! Probably the reason for it is to give us a hint that we _are_ immortal, after all, though we are tempted to think that all things come to an end. It is strange to think that nothing on which our eyes rest at this moment is the same as it was when we started our walk--the very stones of the wall are altered. It ought to make us ashamed of pretending that we are anything but ourselves; and yet we do change a little, thank G.o.d, and for the better. I"ve a fancy--though I can"t say more than that of that we aren"t meant to _know_ anything: and I think that the times when we know, or think we know, are the times when we stand still. That seems hard!"--he broke off with an unusual emotion: but he was himself again in a moment, and said, "I don"t know why--it"s the weather, perhaps: but I feel inclined to do nothing but thank people all day, like the man in _Happy Thoughts_ you know, who came down late for breakfast and could say nothing but "Thanks, thanks, awfully thanks--thanks (to the butler), thanks (to the hostess)--thanks, thanks!" but it means something--a real emotion, though grotesquely phrased!--I"ve enjoyed this bit of a walk, my boy!"
LXX
OF WEAKNESS
This was, I think, the last talk I had with Father Payne before he left us, so suddenly and so quietly, for his last encounter.
It was a calm and sunny day, though the air was cold and fresh. I finished some work I was doing, a little after noonday, and I walked down the garden. I was on the gra.s.s, and turning the corner of a tiny thicket of yews and hollies, where there was a secluded seat facing the south, I saw that Father Payne was sitting there in the sun alone. I came up to him, and was just about to speak, when I saw that his eyes were closed, though his lips were moving. He sat in an att.i.tude of fatigue and la.s.situde, I thought, with one leg crossed over the other and his arm stretched out along the seat-back. I would have stolen away again un.o.bserved, when he opened his eyes and saw me; he gave me one of his big smiles, and motioned to me to come and sit down beside him. I did so, and he put his arm through mine. I said something about disturbing him, and he said, "Not a bit of it--I shall be glad of your company, old boy." Presently he said, "Do you know what it is to feel _sad_? I suppose not. I don"t mean troubled about anything in particular--there"s nothing to be troubled about--but simply sad, in a causeless, listless way?"
"Yes, I think so," I said. He smiled at that, and said, "Then you _don"t_ know what I mean, old man! You would be quite sure, if you had ever felt it. I mean a sense of feebleness and wretchedness, as if there was much to be done, and no desire to do it--as if your life had been a long mistake from beginning to end. Of course it is quite morbid and unreal, I know that! It is a temptation of the devil, sure enough, and it is an uncommonly effective one. He gets inside the weakness of our mortal nature, and tells us that we have come down to the truth at last. It"s all nonsense, of course, but it"s infernally ingenious nonsense. He brings all the failures of the world before your mind and heart, the thought of all the people who have fallen by the roadside and can"t get up, and, worse still, all the people who have lost hope and pride, and don"t want to be different. He points out how brief our time is, and how little we know what lies beyond. He shows us how the strong and unscrupulous and cruel people succeed and have a good time, and how many well-meaning, sensitive, muddled people come to hopeless grief. Oh, he has a score of instances, a quiver full of poisonous shafts." He was silent for a minute, and then he said, "Old boy, we won"t heed him, you and I. We"ll say, "Yes, my dear Apollyon, all that is undoubtedly true. You do a lot of mischief, but your time is short. You wound us and disable us--you can even kill us; but it"s a poor policy at best. You defeat yourself, because we slip away and you can"t follow us. And when we are refreshed and renewed, we will come back, and go on with the battle." That"s what well say, like old Sir Andrew Barton:
""I"ll but lie down and bleed awhile, And then I"ll rise and fight again."
You must never mind being defeated, old man. You must never say that your sins have done for you! I don"t care what a man has done, I don"t care how cruel, wicked, sensual, evil he has been, if in the bottom of his heart he can say, "I belong to G.o.d, after all!" That"s the last and worst a.s.sault of the devil, when he comes and whispers to you that you have cut yourself off from G.o.d. You can"t do that, whatever you feel. I have been thinking to-day of all the mistakes I have made, how I have drifted along, how I have enjoyed myself, when I might have been helping other people; what a lazy, greedy, ugly business it has all been, how little I have ever _made_ myself do anything. But I don"t care. I go straight to G.o.d and I say, "Father, I have sinned against Heaven and before Thee, and am no more worthy to be called Thy son." But I am His son, for all that, and I know it and He knows it; and Apollyon may straddle across the way as much as he likes, but he can"t stop me. If he does stop me, he only sends me straight home."
I saw the tears stand in Father Payne"s eyes, and I said hurriedly and eagerly, "Why, Father, you have done so much, for me, for all of us, for everyone you have ever had to do with. Don"t speak so; it isn"t true, it hasn"t been a failure. You are the only person I have met who has showed me what goodness really is."
Father Payne pressed my arm, but he did not speak for a moment.
"You are very good to me, old man," he said in a moment. "I was not trying to get a testimonial out of you, you know; and of course you can"t judge how far I have fallen short of all I might have done. But your affection and your kindness are very precious to me. You give me a message from G.o.d!
It matters little how near the truth you are or how far away. G.o.d doesn"t think of that. He isn"t a hard reckoner; He"s only glad when we return to Him, and put down our tired head upon His shoulder for a little. But even so, that isn"t the end. As soon as we are strong again, we must begin again. There"s plenty left to do. The battle isn"t over because you or I are tired. He is tired Himself, I dare say. But it all goes on, and there is victory ahead. Don"t forget that, dear boy. It"s no good being heart-broken or worn out. Rise and fight again as soon as you can. I"m quite ready--I haven"t had enough. I have had an easy post, I don"t deny that. I have suffered very little, as suffering goes; and I"m grateful for that; but we mustn"t fall in love with rest. If we sleep, it is only that we may rise refreshed, and go off again singing. We mustn"t be afraid of weakness and suffering, and we mustn"t be afraid of joy and strength either. That"s treachery, you know."
Presently he said, "Now you must leave me here a little! You came in the nick of time, and you brought me a message. It always comes, if you ask for it! And I shall say a prayer for the Little Master himself, as Sintram called him, before I go. He has his points, you know. He is uncommonly shrewd and tenacious and brave. He"s fighting for his life, and I pity him whenever he suspects--and it must be pretty often--that things are not going his way. I don"t despair of the old fellow himself, if I may say so.
I suspect him of a sense of humour. I can"t help thinking he will capitulate and cut his losses some day, and then we shall get things right in a trice. He will be conquered, and perhaps convinced; but he won"t be used vindictively, whatever happens. My knowledge of that, and of the fact that he has got defeat ahead of him, and knows it, is the best defence against him, even when it is his hour, and the power of darkness, as it has been to-day."
I got up and left him; he smiled at me and waved his hand.
LXXI
THE BANK OF THE RIVER
The week pa.s.sed without anything further occurring to arouse our anxieties, and Father Payne went up to town on the Monday: he went off in apparently good spirits: but we got a wire in the course of the day to say that he was detained in town by business and would write. On the following morning, Barthrop came into my room in silence, shortly after breakfast, and handed me a letter without a word. It was very short: it ran as follows:
"DEAR LEONARD,--_I want you to come up to town to-morrow to see me, and if Duncan cares to come, I shall be delighted to see him too, though I know he has an artistic objection to seeing people who are ill, and I understand that I am ill. I saw a doctor yesterday, and he advised me to see a specialist, who advised me to have an operation. It seems better to get it over at once; so I went without delay into a nursing home, where I feel like a child in the nursery again. I want to talk over matters, and it will be better to say nothing which will cause a fuss. So just run up to-morrow, there"s a good man, and you can get back in the evening. Ever yours,_
"C.P."
It happened that there were only two of us at Aveley at the time, Kaye, and a younger man, Raven, who had just joined. We determined to say nothing about it till the following morning: the day pa.s.sed heavily enough. I found I could do nothing with the dread of what it might all mean overhanging me.
I admired Barthrop"s common-sense: he spent the day, he told me, in doing accounts--he acted as a sort of bursar--and he kept up a quiet conversation at dinner in which I confess I played a very poor part. Kaye never noticed anything, and had no curiosity, and Raven had no suspicion of anything unusual. I slept ill that night, and found myself in a very much depressed mood on the following morning. I realised at every moment how entirely everything at Aveley was centred upon Father Payne, and how he was both in the foreground as well as in the background of all that we did or thought.
Our journey pa.s.sed almost in silence, and we drove straight to the nursing home in Mayfair. We were admitted to a little waiting-room in a bright, fresh-looking house, and were presently greeted by a genial and motherly old lady, dressed in a sort of nursing uniform, who told us that Mr. Payne was expecting us. We asked anxiously how he was. "Oh, he is very cheerful,"
she said; "his nurse, Sister Jane, thinks he is the most amusing man she ever saw. You must not worry about him. The operation is to be on Friday--he seems very well and strong in himself, and we will soon have him all right again--you will see! He is just the sort of man to make a good recovery." Then she added, "Mr. Payne said he thought you would like to see the doctor, so he is going to look in here in half an hour from now--he will see Mr. Payne first, and then you can have a good talk to him. You are going back this afternoon, I think?"
"That depends!" said Barthrop.
"Oh, Mr. Payne is expecting you to go back, I know--we will just run up and see him now."
We went up two flights of stairs: the matron knocked at a door in the pa.s.sage, and we went in. Father Payne was sitting up in bed, in a sort of blue wrapper which gave him, I thought, a curiously monastic air--he was reading quietly. The room was large and airy, and looked out on the backs of tall houses: it was quiet enough: there was just a far-off murmur of the town in the air.
He greeted us with much animation, and smiled at me. "It"s good of you to come, I"m sure," he said, "with your feeling about ill people. I don"t object to that," he added in the familiar manner. "I think it"s a sign of health, you know!" We sat down beside him. "Now," said Father Payne, "don"t let"s have any grave looks or hushed voices--you remember what Baines told us, when he joined the Church of Rome, that when he got back after his reception, his friends all spoke to him as if he had had a serious illness.
The matter is simple enough--and I"m going to speak plainly. I have got some internal mischief, something that obstructs the pa.s.sages, and it has got to be removed. There"s a risk, of course--they never can tell exactly what they will find, but they don"t think it has gone too far to be remedied. I don"t pretend to like it--in fact it"s decidedly inconvenient.
I like my own little plans as well as anyone! and this time I don"t seem able to look ahead--there"s a sort of wall ahead of me. I feel as if I had come, like the boy in the _Water Babies_, to the place which was called _Stop_!" He paused a moment and smiled on us, his big good-natured smile.
"But if I put my head out of the other end of the tunnel, I shall go on as usual. If I _don"t_, then I had better tell you what I have done. You know I have no near relations. The n.o.ble family of Payne is practically summed up in me. The Vicar"s a sort of cousin, but a very diluted one. I have arranged by my will that if you two fellows think you can keep the place going on its present lines, you can have a try. But I don"t think it will do, I think it will be artificial and possibly ridiculous. I don"t think it has got life! And if you decide not to try, then it will all go to my old College, which is quite alive. I would rather they would not sell it--but bless me, what does it matter? It is a mistake to try and grip anything with a dead hand. But if I get through, and I believe I have a good chance of doing so, you must just keep things going till I get back--which won"t be long. There"s the case in a nutsh.e.l.l! You quite understand? I don"t want you to do what you think I should wish, because I _don"t_ wish. And now we won"t say another word about it, unless there are any questions you would like to ask. By the way, I have arranged the programme for the day. The doctor is coming to see me presently, and while he is here you can have some lunch--they will see to that--and then you can have a talk to him, while I have my lunch--I can tell you they do feed me up here!--and then we will have a talk, and you can catch the 4.30. You know how I like planning out a day."
"But we thought we would like to stay in town, and see it all through,"
said Barthrop. "We have brought up some things."
"Stuff and nonsense!" said Father Payne in his old manner. "Back you go by the 4.30, things and all! I have got the best nurse in the world, Sister Jane. By George, it"s a treat exploring that woman"s mind. She"s full of kindness and common sense and courage, without a grain of reason. There"s nothing in the world that woman wouldn"t do, and nothing she wouldn"t believe--she"s entirely mediaeval. Then I have some books: and I"m going to read and talk and play patience--I"m quite good at that already--and eat and drink and sleep. I"m not to be disturbed, I tell you! To-morrow is a complete holiday: and on Friday the great event comes off. I won"t have any useless emotion, or any bedside thoughts!" He glanced at us smiling and said, "Oh, of course, my dear boys, I"m only joking. I know you would like to stay, and I would like to have you here well enough: but see here--if all goes well, what"s the use of this drama?--people can"t behave quite naturally, however much they would like to, and I don"t want any melting looks: and if it goes the other way--well, I don"t like good-byes. I agree with dear old Mrs. Barbauld:
""Say not Good-night, but in some brighter clime Bid me Good-morning.""
He was silent for a moment--and just at that moment the doctor arrived.
We went off to lunch with the old matron, who talked cheerfully about things in general: and it was strange to feel that what was to us so deep a tragedy was to her just a familiar experience, a thing that happened day by day.
Then the doctor came in, a tall, thin, pale, unembarra.s.sed man, very frank and simple.
"Yes," he said, "there"s a risk--I don"t deny that! One never knows exactly what the mischief is or how far it extends. I told Mr. Payne exactly what I thought. He is the sort of man to whom one can do that. But he is strong, he has lived a healthy life, he has a great vitality--everything is in his favour. How long has he seemed to be ill, by the way?"
"Some three or four months, I think," said Barthrop. "But it is difficult when you see anyone every day to realise a change--and then he is always cheerful."
"He is," said the doctor. "I never saw a better patient. He told me his symptoms like a doctor describing someone else"s case, I never heard anything so impersonal! We managed to catch Dr. Angus--that"s the specialist, you know, who will operate. Mr. Payne wasn"t in the least flurried. He showed no sign of being surprised: we sent him in here at once, and he seems to have made friends with everyone. That"s all to the good, of course. He"s not a nervous subject. No," he added reflectively, "he has an excellent chance of recovery. But I should deceive you if I pretended there was no risk. There _is_ a risk, and we must hope for the best. By the way, gentlemen," he added, taking up his hat, "I hope you won"t think of staying in town. Mr. Payne seems most anxious that you should go back, and I think his wish should be paramount. You can do nothing here, and I think your remaining would fret him. I won"t attempt to dictate, but I feel that you would do well to go!"
"Oh, yes, we will go," said Barthrop. "You will let us know how all goes?"
"Of course!" said the doctor. "You shall hear at once!"
We went back, and spent an hour with Father Payne. I shall never forget that hour: he talked on quietly, seeing that we were unable to do our part.
He spoke about the men and their work, and gave pleasant, half-humorous summaries of their characters. He gave us some little reminiscences of his life in London; he talked about the villagers at Aveley, and the servants.
I realised afterwards that he had spoken a few words about every single person in the circle, small or great. The time sped past, and presently they told us that our cab was at the door, "Now don"t make me think you are going to miss the train, old boys!" said Father Payne, raising himself up to shake hands. "I have enjoyed the sight of you. Give them all my love: be good and wise! G.o.d bless you both!" He shook hands with Barthrop and with me, and I felt the soft touch of his firm hand, as I had done at our first meeting. Barthrop did not speak, and went hurriedly from the room, without looking round. I could not help it, but I bent down and kissed his hand.
"Well, well!" he said indulgently, and gave me a most tender and beautiful look out of his big eyes, and then he mentioned to me to go. I went in silence.
We felt, both of us, a premonition of the worst disaster. I knew in my heart that it was the end. It seemed to me characteristic of Father Payne to make his farewells simply, and without any dramatic emphasis. The way in which he had spoken of all his friends, in that last hour we spent with him, had been a series of adieux, and even as I recalled his words, they seemed to me to shape themselves into unspoken messages. His own calmness had been unmistakable, and was marvellous to me; but it was all the more impressive because he did not, as one has read in some of the well-known scenes recorded in history of the deaths of famous men, seem to be attempting to say anything memorable or magnanimous. "What can I say that will be worthy of myself?"--that question appears to me to be sometimes lurking in the minds of men who have played a great part in the world, and who are determined to play it to the end. It is, of course a n.o.ble sort of courage which enables a man, at the very threshold of death, to force himself to behave with dignity and grandeur: but it seemed to me now to be an even more supreme courage to be, as Father Payne was, simply himself.
Sir Walter Raleigh, Sir Thomas More, Charles II, Archbishop Laud all died with a real greatness of undismayed bravery, but with just a sense of enacting a part rehea.r.s.ed. The death scene of Socrates, which is, I suppose, a romantically constructed tale, does indeed give a picture of perfect naturalness: and I thought that Father Payne"s demeanour, like that of Socrates, showed clearly enough that the idea of death was not an overshadowing dread dispelled by an effort of the will, but that it was not present as a fear in his mind at all, and rather regarded with a reverent curiosity: and I was reminded of a saying of Father Payne"s which I have elsewhere recorded, that the virtues to which we give our most unhesitating admiration are the instinctive virtues rather than the reasoned virtues. If Father Payne had appeared to be keeping a firm hold on himself, and to be obliging himself to speak things timely and fitting, I should have admired him deeply: but I admired him all the more because of his unaffected tranquillity and unuttered affection. He had just enveloped us in his own calmness, and gone straight forward.